drying out

UGH. He spent the night last night. The ONLY reason I allowed it was because he TOLD S he was staying before he ASKED me. She was so excited, I couldn't send him away. He slept on the couch of course. I was dumbounded when I heard his response to S's "daddy are you going to stay tonight?" He said "I think I AM going to stay!" A room away, my mouth dropped open. He didn't ask. Just assumed. Told me he needed to "dry out." I was floored at his audacity. In all honestly, he was quiet as a mouse, but still. He was THERE, and I couldn't sleep. It was seriously like PTSD. I barely slept. I would hear a sound and think "what's that? Was that the door? Is he drinking? Is that a glass? Is that another bottle opening." It was HORRIBLE. At the same time though, I had perspective, and realized without a doubt, how much better my life is without him.

He was awake when I woke up, having barely slept I'm sure. S went to say good morning to him, and then went to get dressed. During that time, I heard him dry heaving. A sound I hoped I would NEVER hear from him again. Horrible. I quickly turned up the TV S was watching, shut the bedroom door and went to find him. He was dry heaving over a trashcan in our family room. Shivering, tremors, sweat, the whole bit. "What's wrong?" "I'm sick. I don't ever want to feel like this again." "You need to leave. S cannot be witness to this." I walked away and a few minutes later I heard him leave.

What a self centered ASS to think he can just walk in MY house, uproot MY routine, on his whim. I've PAID for him to "dry out" and it hasn't worked yet. What's worse, I know this is only for a day or two. This was not for good. He just realized that he's been drinking too much and wants to get it under control for the short term, only to return to the old ways as soon as he forgets how miserable he felt this morning. How DARE he do that.

I have to think this may be in preparation for my parents stay this weekend. He wants to be on his best behavior, I'm sure. But, it's at MY expense, and he still doesn't see that.

Gonna wash that man right out of my hair...

A few things.
1) I don't think I ever confirmed here that I am indeed taking a TRIP. Girlfriend L and I are headed to NOLA on Thursday morning, and won't be back until Monday afternoon. D handled it better than expected. He's gotten more "ok" with it the closer it is to trip time. I felt like he was pissy about the money I'd be spending, so I told him that I am a) flying for free and b) staying in a fantastic hotel at an extremely cheap price. I didn't need to tell him that, but I always feel like he has an underlying issue with the money I spend, b/c he views it as his mom's money (even though I have a well-paying full time job). OR, maybe it's MY issues with the money I spend, and feeling slightly guilty. I don't know. At any rate, I am going, and I am ecstatic.

2) My parents will be "moving" into my house while I'm gone. We all thought it would be better to keep the babies in their routine, and I love that they're willing to stay at my house. That said, I have been cleaning like a mo-fo. I mean, they're at my house weekly anyway, and HELLO I lived with them for 18+ years, so they know I'm not the cleanest person. BUT, there's something different about knowing they'll be there 24/7 for 4-5 days. I have been hands and knees scrubbing the floors. Very reminiscent of my nesting phase with the twins. Literally 30+ weeks pregnant, on dr ordered bedrest, and giving in to the intense need to clean, scrub, shine, whatever I could.

I started with the dining room floor last week. While doing it, I realized that it was SO much more than  preparing for my parents to stay. I was trying to wash D out of my house. It's continued since. Yesterday alone, I scrubbed our laundry room, my bathroom and my bedroom. Pine-Sol everywhere, lol!  And, this was in addition to a 3 hour play date we'd had to start the morning. I wasn't tired at ALL, more exhuberant than anything.  Even now, sitting at work, I feel the intense need to go home and clean more. Part of it is also that I want to come home to a clean house, but I think more than that, I want to come home from this trip D-free, for lack of a better term.

More progress, Sunday night I took down one of our wedding pictures. The one of just the two of us. I replaced it with a wonderful picture of the twins that I took a few weeks ago. I made a special trip to find a fantastic frame, knowing where it would go. This morning, I took down our memory board from our wedding. The picture in it was of the night we were engaged, and it was matted and signed by our wedding guests. One of my bridesmaids gave that to us for our wedding present. I just took it down. No thought. It's now downstairs in the deep dark recesses of our basement. There's only one last picture to come down, and that's of the group of groomsmen and bridesmaids. Our friends. The only reason it's still on the wall is because it's hiding a giant hole, and I have yet to find a picture to replace it's spot.

His most empty side of the closet is gradually being taken over by my clothes. He still has many things at our house. Clothing is taking up several drawers. I condensed them all, lol, and took over a few of the drawers. I need the space!

I'm feeling good. Really good. I had lunch with my aunt today, and told her about the separation. She's only 15 years older than me, and growing up was always more like a big sister. I thought she would cry. She asked "the" questions: what happened, how are you. I seem to throw people for a loop when I say I'm ok, it was my decision, I didn't tell anyone until I was absolutely sure. I'm so sure this seems odd to people who don't know the story. My aunt is less judgemental than my parents, and I did tell her that his mental health was a big part of it. I didn't expand. I still can't do that yet.

too much time...

Too much time has passed since my last post, and I don't know where to start with the updates.

In all, things are going ok. D's ok. According to him, he's drinking less, thanks to one of the new meds he's been on for about a month. Who knows if that's really the case.

He's spending alot of time at our house during the weekends. Mostly, I don't mind. It's good for him; I'm happy for our babies. But I wish to hell that he was responsible enough to just GO somewhere with them. I want to be home. Alone. In a quiet house. Without having to pay someone to watch my kids. The financial factor takes a bit of relaxation from the possibility of being alone.

We went to the zoo last weekend. We ran into my sister and her husband and my nephew. After we left them, D made a comment about M's (sisters husband) lack of work ethic. I stewed on that the ENTIRE time we were there. I let him have it on the way home. Telling him that I didn't want to hear any criticism of ANYONE's work ethic until he looked in the mirror and took a long and honest look at himself. And that shut him up. I was pissed, knowing that my BIL is going to school, and working full time to support his family.

Also, I may have mentioned this before, but he sure is a hell of a lot more frugal with money now that he doesn't have access to my income. Our dog (who stays with him) stinks. He told me he can't afford to get her groomed. he complains about the cost of gas. About how he only has enough savings for 3-4 more months. If he stops and gets food one night (Chinese, for example) to bring to our MY house, he expects me to pay him for part of it. Fine, no problem, but it really rubs me the wrong way. These were not concerns of his prior to his moving out.

I've been going along fairly ok, feeling good about things. Then, I started having a convo with our friend in Hawaii, lawyer S. He's been checking on me periodically since my calls to him a few months ago, to prep me for the mediation appointments, wanting to make sure I'm ok. He's going to be "home" for a few weeks this summer, and of course I want to see him. I don't know how to say this exactly, but I feel like there's something just under the surface of our conversations that's leaning to a more than friendly visit, if you know what I mean. Make sense? It's not making me uncomfortable. Confused, maybe.

I finally asked him today if he was letting D know that he would be in town. His response was "No." Then went on to say "You do know I've been friends with you guys because of you not him, right?" Punch to the freaking gut. To me, that may as well have said "you've told me so much bad shit about him, that I have no interest in being his friend anymore." I REALIZE that's not what he said, but that's what I interpreted. I started crying. feeling that, once again, I've single-handedly alienated D from yet another friend/family member just by opening my big mouth and being honest. I told him that and he reminded me that D has only reached out to him one time since he moved to Hawaii.

Anyhoo...back to the meeting up thing. Maybe I'm reading into things, but I feel like, at least if I WANTED something to happen with S, then something WOULD happen with S. The problem is I don't know, lol. He's one of the only true male friends I've ever had. He was our (D's) attorney. He knows most all of our shit. It's nothing I've ever had to really hide from him. And he likes me anyway:)  He tells me the truth. He reminded me today, that he once told me that I had married one of my clients. That's honest. We've had so many heart to hearts over the years. He has his own demons, mostly from childhood. He's done alot of work to rid himself of those.

I don't know. Lots to think about.  I don't know why suddenly I'm missing a mans attention. Hell, I haven't had it for years (not good attention, anyway). Probably has something to do with the fact that I'm ovulating right now:)

the rings are off

1) S (3) was diagnosed with pneumonia after an ER trip on Thursday night.  D went with me to the ER, because I worded it in such a way that he didn't have a choice. We'd been there several hours when they made the decision to administer saline via IV. He left after the IV was in. There was really no point in him staying, he certainly wasn't HELPING anything. I swear, men as such wimps. I thought he was going to jump out of his skin the entire time the nurses were putting in her IV.  I was there with her, both holding her and holding her DOWN, and I looked over at him and he was just a mess, legs shaking, sweating, etc.  The two of us got home about 12:30 Friday morning. The twins stayed with their sitter C, now titled St. C. How obnoxious is it that he can't even care for his own children over night?

2) I took my wedding/engagement rings off on Friday night...D came over about 5, and stayed until 6:30. He asked his usual "what time do you want me here tomorrow" which is his code for "I'm getting ready to leave." He said "there's only 2 hours until bedtime. I said "exactly, there are only TWO hours, and you can't stay? I am exhausted." I was really fighting to keep my eyes open, after the ER ordeal the night before, and then working all freaking day. Clearly, I guilted him in to staying. Just about that time, all 3 babies started to melt down, while he just sat there and WATCHED me deal with them. I finally got A calmed down and went off to find C and S. I got away from them for a second to see what was going on with A. I watched her try to engage him, try to PLAY with him, and he looked right through her. She kept trying to put a toy on his lap. It kept falling off. She kept picking it up and trying again. She ADORES him. He was like a zombie, giving her NOTHING at all, no reaction whatsoever. I finally told him to leave.

Once he was gone, I went into the S's room where all 3 were playing together. I realized then and there that THEY are my family, and we're on our own. Not that I can't handle it, but D is no longer emotionally present. He did not want to be in our house, had not wanted to be in the ER.

I took my rings off. There, in my 3 year olds room, surrounded by my little and most important people, I took them off. It's weird without them. My fingers are still searching for them. But it's ok. It's actually very freeing. Baby steps.

3) Mothers Day was good, for the most part. D came over about 11, and made a great french toast casserole. I had a feeling he'd been drinking, and noticed it very shortly after he got there. Just something in his eyes, something in his speech...I opted not to ask anything. If he had, he was by no means drunk, and I had no plans to leave the babies with him. I let it go. About 2, I went to rest. S came looking for me, asking me to read a book to her. I asked her to please ask daddy. She came back and said "he isn't in the family room"( the only place he WOULD have been). I bounced out of bed, and found him just coming in from our patio. I asked if he'd been out there drinking. He said "maybe" which is obviously code for "yes." Jesus CHRIST. Just one afternoon, just ONE can he just let it GO, and think about someone else?!

anxious

I just sent D an e-mail letting him know that I am going on a short trip in a few weeks.

YES, I AM ACTUALLY GETTING ON A PLANE, SANS CHILDREN AND GOING SOMEWHERE!

One of my oldest friends has been asking me to do it for awhile. She's ready to get away. God KNOWS I NEED to get away. So, we're going to New Orleans:)

I've been dreading telling D. We're supposed to finalize plans/book tonight, and I knew that I'd feel better telling him before it was final, than after. I left no room for argument. "I'm going. My parents are staying at our house. You're welcome there anytime. We'll talk about details later."

I fear this is going to send him into a tailspin. But if it does, it's NOT my fault. I am trying to take care of me, and am REALLY excited about this trip. My only hesitation in booking is HIS reaction, and that's not fair to me.

My parents, bless their hearts, didn't bat an eye when I asked "how much do you love me?" Followed up quickly by "L wants to take a trip and is begging me to come." My mom's response was "Go. Tell us what you need us to do, and we'll do it." Thank GOD for support!

total exhaustion

Enough said. I am TRULY a single mom to 3 little people. Responsible for each of them 110%. It really hit me yesterday, and it's an exhausting thought.

I think I mentioned that D flaked on coming over on Tues, and then on Wed. His excuse for Thurs and Fri (today) was that he had appts. He told me what those appointments were, and they totaled maybe 4 hours of his time for both days. Definately enough other hours left in the day for him to see his children. But, he opted not too.

On Tues, I had sitter issues, and had to spend a chunk of time getting "coverage" at my house. Did that. On Wed, a similar issue arose, and I couldn't get the time covered so I had to leave work and go home for over an hour. Thurs, C had his monthly ENT appt and was also supposed to get a hearing test. To spare the details, things got complicated and I left without him getting to see his dr or get the hearing test. I HAD to go back to work. My desk is a mess. Papers everywhere, most of them really darn important. As I was rescheduling C's appt, I just kept getting more mad at D. Even on a good day, he wouldn't have been at the dr. Those appts usually fall on my plate anyway. But just the thought that I can't ASK him to help. It was just too much. I cried in the parking garage. I yelled some choice words. Thankfully C doesn't repeat anything yet;)

It's just too much for one person to handle. People hear I'm getting a divorce (I don't sugarcoat it by saying legally separated), and they are sympathetic, but they don't understand that D is NOT in the picture. At least not in any consistant way. This is really, really hard. I know I've dealt with really really hard before, but this seems so much worse. Maybe because I'm living it right now.

I am not a super woman, I am most certainly NOT a super mom, but I feel like most days I do a pretty darn good job. I don't feel that way right now. I definately need a battery recharge.

that bad feeling is back...

UGHHHH!!! Hate this so much.
D had his psych appointment on Monday. She is not your typical psychiatrist. She usually spend at least 10-15 minutes in conversations with us, checking on how things are going. She's definately not just a prescription dr. D hadn't seen her since Nov, so he was updating her on the (failed) out-patient treatment he had, as well as the in-patient. They talked quite a bit about his new meds as well.  This part of the convo easily took 15 minutes. Then, she started asking him the usual questions about how he's been feeling. His response, FIFTEEN minutes into the convo, was "pretty good, under the circumstances, since we're getting a legal separation." Said in the same tone as "I'm just going to run up to the store for some milk." No.big.deal. She said "You're getting a legal SEPARATION??" Like, "hold the freaking phone dude, you are just now telling me this?!"

He did the same thing right after his mom died. At his first appt after her death, it wasn't until they were wrapping up their convo when I said "um, are you going to tell her what ELSE is going on?" "Huh, what?" "Um, you know. Your mom DIED. And you had to identify her body."

Anyhoo, once that was out, she looked at him and asked what he was going to do. Prior to him spilling these beans, I was sitting next to him, an anxious bundle of nerves as she's throwing out suggestions like "what about another outpatient" "what about a 90 day inpatient." I just wanted to jump up and down and yell IT'S NOT GOING TO WORK BECAUSE HE DOESN'T WANT IT TO WORK!!!!!!!!!

Once it was all out of the table, she really went after him in a pretty aggressive way. "What are you going to do now? You've already lost the jobs you loved. Now, you're getting ready to lose your marriage. What is going to make it stop?" D: "I don't know."

Thats when I just couldn't hold my tongue anymore. I looked at him and said "remember when the attorney asked you what was more important, being a father to your children or a bottle of wine. YOU COULDN'T ANSWER." I was almost in tears by that time, but the anger I had for him right then and there stopped them. After I said that she just looked at him. She had no words. Then, I told her that he's allowed to see them only at my discretion, and that I have a breathylzer that I can administer at any time.

Then, she moved to the "what do you DO all day? How much are you drinking? (He admitted to either a 1/5 of vodka, or 3 bottles of wine.) It can't feel good to sit there all by yourself." I could FEEL him internalizing this. I was internalizing it FOR him. He held it together fairly well.

He didn't start crying until I brought up the panic attack that he'd had.

I asked point blank if he was suicidal and he said no.

After we left and were getting on the elevator he said "let's talk about how fucked up D is." I could sense a binge coming on.

He called me the next morning at 9:30 and told me he'd been throwing up and thought he had the Norovirus. Whatever. I told him he could be right, but that I suspected it was more psychosomatic than anything. He didn't disagree. I called him last night to ask how he was and see if he would be coming over today (Wed). I was trying to make plans. He was drunk, and from the slurring, had been drinking heavily for quite awhile. He said he wouldn't be coming over today. PISSED me off, b/c this is the one day a week that S is home and he can see her. I asked when we could expect to see him and he said "um, this weekend I guess. Why do you need something?" Whatever, dude.

I just have a bad feeling. I hate this feeling.