I'm not sure where to start. I mean well, wanting to come post here, but then it seems so overwhelming at times. Part of it is just the procrastinator in me, but the bigger part is that it is so draining. It's hard enough to LIVE these experiences, but then to actually record them...it's hard sometimes.
1) We signed the separation papers on Monday. Dissolution of Marriage. Such a sad, SAD term. It was fairly unemotional for me, until I watched D sign the papers. Funnily enough, MY signing them didn't phase me. Each page I initialed, each place I dated was just another baby step away from the man who cannot care for me or our children the way I need him to. But, to watch him sign, so easily, so non-chalantly, was a little dagger in my heart. How can he just throw "us" away?
The lawyer mentioned that the entire packet was 78 pages. D said "dead trees." I was thinking "dead marriage."
We had to record an official date of separation. When the lawyer asked for it Dan looked puzzled, like "hmmm what should we say." I assume he was maybe thinking the day he moved back into the condo. I immediately said February 13. It just came out. I realized after the fact that it was the night he was so drunk that he left, and I wouldn't let him back in the next day. That was the night that I finally realized things were over, at least from my perspective.
Now, we both have to take an online course for self-representation. I took mine. Once he takes his, I'll go to the courthourse to file. From there, they have to wait 30 days. During that time, we both have to take a parenting course, and then at the end of the 30 days we should get a letter from the Court with a date/time of our hearing.
2) This Wednesday he was supposed to come over after I got home from work. He sent me an IM on FB that he wasn't coming, and "tell Sophie I'll see her tomorrow." I have never picked up my phone so fast in my life. "Why aren't you coming?" "I've been drinking." "I don't care that you've been drinking. I care that you told S you'd see her tonight and now you won't." "I'm a drunk. A shitty dad." blah, blah, blah. I let him have it. I told him I will NOT allow him to make promises to her that he can't keep, that she deserves more respec than he gives her. I finally hung up on him.
Thank GOD she wasn't phased by not seeing him that night. But, I was livid. LIVID. It's not acceptable. I "separated" us on Facebook:) Funny how I can't do things like this when he does something to ME, but it's the way he treats my children that makes me take my rings off, etc.
3) Again, last night he didn't come over. This was probably partially because S wasn't there (is staying with my parents this weekend). But hello, he has other children too! The weird part is that he made a special trip while I was at work to put something in my mailbox, but couldn't be bothered to help with his children later on that night.
OK, i have more updates than this, but really need to get back to work...
Friday, June 28, 2013
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
hate
I felt SO bad after I realized what I'd said on Friday about hating D. I don't hate him. I don't hate anyone. It's too strong a word for me to use. In fact, I will correct S on the rare occasions she uses the word, even if it's in relation to food or something insignificant.
And then, Sat morning happened. He came over on time, but had been drinking. I tend to think he'd been drinking that morning as opposed to it being "left over" from the night before. He was on edge, ready to pick a fight. I could FEEL it. He usual leans towards an ambivilant drunk than a mean, angry drunk. Not that he was angry on Saturday, but something was off. If I were a dog, the hair would have been standing up on my neck. It didn't help that I was feeling pissy, and had been for several days. Not in relation to him, just some things going on at work. And then he had not come over on Friday night so that really set me off.
He made some all knowing comments about C, and I just about lost it, thinking how do you KNOW how sick he's been when you weren't even here. Something to that point came out of my mouth. He told me I was making him feel guilty. That I was bothering him, blah, blah. He told me he didn't have to deal with my crap and said he was leaving. This all happened in front of S:-/ She started crying. I started crying, out of anger. I was SO angry at him. He headed towards the door and she is just sobbing. I BEGGED him not to leave her. I told him that I didn't need him and care if he was there or not, but that SHE needed him. It didn't stop him. Out the door he went. In that instance, I DID hate him. Hate, hate, hate. His discomfort should come second to hers. She chased him out of the house. I let her. I didn't want to put her in that position, but it was his situation to deal with. I knew that I would pick up the pieces.
A few minutes later he came back in carrying her, and stayed the rest of the day. Truthfully, most of the time these days I feel absolutely nothing for/about him. He just "is". I don't feel tied to him, and don't really feel sad for him anymore. He's made his bed.
And then, Sat morning happened. He came over on time, but had been drinking. I tend to think he'd been drinking that morning as opposed to it being "left over" from the night before. He was on edge, ready to pick a fight. I could FEEL it. He usual leans towards an ambivilant drunk than a mean, angry drunk. Not that he was angry on Saturday, but something was off. If I were a dog, the hair would have been standing up on my neck. It didn't help that I was feeling pissy, and had been for several days. Not in relation to him, just some things going on at work. And then he had not come over on Friday night so that really set me off.
He made some all knowing comments about C, and I just about lost it, thinking how do you KNOW how sick he's been when you weren't even here. Something to that point came out of my mouth. He told me I was making him feel guilty. That I was bothering him, blah, blah. He told me he didn't have to deal with my crap and said he was leaving. This all happened in front of S:-/ She started crying. I started crying, out of anger. I was SO angry at him. He headed towards the door and she is just sobbing. I BEGGED him not to leave her. I told him that I didn't need him and care if he was there or not, but that SHE needed him. It didn't stop him. Out the door he went. In that instance, I DID hate him. Hate, hate, hate. His discomfort should come second to hers. She chased him out of the house. I let her. I didn't want to put her in that position, but it was his situation to deal with. I knew that I would pick up the pieces.
A few minutes later he came back in carrying her, and stayed the rest of the day. Truthfully, most of the time these days I feel absolutely nothing for/about him. He just "is". I don't feel tied to him, and don't really feel sad for him anymore. He's made his bed.
Friday, June 14, 2013
Grrrrr....
I just got this IM from D. "I have to cancel for tonight, vomiting chills, etc. I'm still on for Sat a.m. and Sunday a.m."
I want to say, "from drinking too much, or not drinking enough." But, I know he would ignore it, so what's the point really. 80% of me is fine when he isn't there. I have to admit though that it's nice to have extra hands, even if they're at 50% capacity. Oh well.
Thank GOD I am careful not to make promises to S of when daddy will and won't be there. I feel though, that we need to work on a more consistent schedule, for her sake. She wants him there every day, she's said as much. I would like to be able to tell her that daddy will come see us on x, x, x, and x days. The reality is though, that he won't always keep those dates.
I curse him often, and sometimes almost hate him. As far as our relationship is concerned, I have very few emotions left. I don't get a twinge of "what if" when I see him. Honestly, it's relief when he leaves my house.
He's still in some sort of denial. I asked last weekend when he was going to change our relationship status of FB. He told me he hadn't even thought about it, and then said "we *are* still married." Then, one night this week he informed me he'd been playing phone tag with a therapist recommended by his psychiatrist. "She's an LCSW, and some sort of specialist in marriage and family stuff. I thought that was good." Um. Really? For your next marriage? I just rolled my eyes.
In good news, I found out today that our mediator has completed all paperwork. Next step is to set up a meeting to review and get the papers from him. After that, I suppose I file.
And in REALLY great news, I found out that I can re-fi our home mortgage all on my own. I have enough income, and little debt, so even the fact that my name is still on our condo mortgage won't stop me from re-fi'ing. GO ME!
I want to say, "from drinking too much, or not drinking enough." But, I know he would ignore it, so what's the point really. 80% of me is fine when he isn't there. I have to admit though that it's nice to have extra hands, even if they're at 50% capacity. Oh well.
Thank GOD I am careful not to make promises to S of when daddy will and won't be there. I feel though, that we need to work on a more consistent schedule, for her sake. She wants him there every day, she's said as much. I would like to be able to tell her that daddy will come see us on x, x, x, and x days. The reality is though, that he won't always keep those dates.
I curse him often, and sometimes almost hate him. As far as our relationship is concerned, I have very few emotions left. I don't get a twinge of "what if" when I see him. Honestly, it's relief when he leaves my house.
He's still in some sort of denial. I asked last weekend when he was going to change our relationship status of FB. He told me he hadn't even thought about it, and then said "we *are* still married." Then, one night this week he informed me he'd been playing phone tag with a therapist recommended by his psychiatrist. "She's an LCSW, and some sort of specialist in marriage and family stuff. I thought that was good." Um. Really? For your next marriage? I just rolled my eyes.
In good news, I found out today that our mediator has completed all paperwork. Next step is to set up a meeting to review and get the papers from him. After that, I suppose I file.
And in REALLY great news, I found out that I can re-fi our home mortgage all on my own. I have enough income, and little debt, so even the fact that my name is still on our condo mortgage won't stop me from re-fi'ing. GO ME!
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
checking in...
Things are going ok (knock on wood). D's being as good as I can expect. He spent most of the day Sat and Sun at our house. I still wish he would engage more with our kids, but that could just be asking TOO much of him. I want him on the floor rolling around, PLAYING. When he does play, it seems so forced. At least he is trying, I guess?
I'm going through a good streak of keeping my shit together. Sure, there's chaos every day, but I'm trying hard to pick the battles I can (bathing my children), and not worrying about the others (toys all over the floor before bed). I'm very clearly trying to remain in control though. My house smells like a bottle of Pine-Sol, I do laundry and a load of dishes every night, most nights our trashcans are emptied before bed. These are the things I can control. I'm trying really hard to let go of the things I can't.
Re: S, I have not so great news about the agency I contacted. What I didn't mention in the last post is that I work with this agency on one of my projects. I found out a bit ago that because of this relationship, they won't provide services to us until that relationship is over. That will be September, at the earliest. She can't wait that long. I don't WANT her to wait that long. They will e-mail me with names of our resources in the area, and there is always my EAP that offers 5 free sessions each year.
Yes, of course I thought about sexual abuse. What kind of mother would I be if I didn't. And no, I'm not in denial, but I don't think that's it. This is S. I hate to label her as "shy" because I don't think that's true. She looks nothing like me, but I think she's definately inherited some of my social anxiety. In her entire little life, there have been VERY few people that she is genuinely comfortable being around. Like me, she's a wanna be joiner, but never/rarely feels confident enough to make that step. Up until now, she's been leary of men AND women. Recently though (since D moved out), she's really taken to my female friends. As you might imagine, I've had a steady stream of friends/sitters in and out of my house. From the beginning, she wanted nothing to do (at least immediately) with either gender. Now though, she is becoming emotionally clingy to females and either avoiding/showing discomfort with the males. There were actually times this weekend she would have nothing to do with D. Just flat out refused to look at him, talk to him, etc. I did have a talk with him about what I think is going on, and that I felt she needed some help to work through it. He just looked at me. Not like he didn't believe me, but more of an "ok, whatever you think."
Over the weekend, I questioned her more about B. He's really the only male she's around, and that is r.a.r.e. On those occasions, C (his wife) is always there. On separate occasions I had conversations with her about appropriate touching. This is NOT a taboo subject in my house, we talk about penises and 'ginas all.the.time. I'm probably TOO open about subjects like that. Regardless, I honest to GOD don't think this is any sort of abuse issue. That said, for her own mental health, I will try to minimize her discomfort as much as possible. The only day she may (if at all) be in contact with B are Fridays. This Friday, we have an appt, so she will only spend a portion of the day there. Next Friday, b/c of crazy schedules, she won't be there at all.
I just want her to feel better. To feel comfortable. I know the crazy anxiety I get (even medicated) and I hate the thought of her feeling like that:(
I'm going through a good streak of keeping my shit together. Sure, there's chaos every day, but I'm trying hard to pick the battles I can (bathing my children), and not worrying about the others (toys all over the floor before bed). I'm very clearly trying to remain in control though. My house smells like a bottle of Pine-Sol, I do laundry and a load of dishes every night, most nights our trashcans are emptied before bed. These are the things I can control. I'm trying really hard to let go of the things I can't.
Re: S, I have not so great news about the agency I contacted. What I didn't mention in the last post is that I work with this agency on one of my projects. I found out a bit ago that because of this relationship, they won't provide services to us until that relationship is over. That will be September, at the earliest. She can't wait that long. I don't WANT her to wait that long. They will e-mail me with names of our resources in the area, and there is always my EAP that offers 5 free sessions each year.
Yes, of course I thought about sexual abuse. What kind of mother would I be if I didn't. And no, I'm not in denial, but I don't think that's it. This is S. I hate to label her as "shy" because I don't think that's true. She looks nothing like me, but I think she's definately inherited some of my social anxiety. In her entire little life, there have been VERY few people that she is genuinely comfortable being around. Like me, she's a wanna be joiner, but never/rarely feels confident enough to make that step. Up until now, she's been leary of men AND women. Recently though (since D moved out), she's really taken to my female friends. As you might imagine, I've had a steady stream of friends/sitters in and out of my house. From the beginning, she wanted nothing to do (at least immediately) with either gender. Now though, she is becoming emotionally clingy to females and either avoiding/showing discomfort with the males. There were actually times this weekend she would have nothing to do with D. Just flat out refused to look at him, talk to him, etc. I did have a talk with him about what I think is going on, and that I felt she needed some help to work through it. He just looked at me. Not like he didn't believe me, but more of an "ok, whatever you think."
Over the weekend, I questioned her more about B. He's really the only male she's around, and that is r.a.r.e. On those occasions, C (his wife) is always there. On separate occasions I had conversations with her about appropriate touching. This is NOT a taboo subject in my house, we talk about penises and 'ginas all.the.time. I'm probably TOO open about subjects like that. Regardless, I honest to GOD don't think this is any sort of abuse issue. That said, for her own mental health, I will try to minimize her discomfort as much as possible. The only day she may (if at all) be in contact with B are Fridays. This Friday, we have an appt, so she will only spend a portion of the day there. Next Friday, b/c of crazy schedules, she won't be there at all.
I just want her to feel better. To feel comfortable. I know the crazy anxiety I get (even medicated) and I hate the thought of her feeling like that:(
Friday, June 7, 2013
I'm baaaackkkkk!
New Orleans was great. Very relaxing, but not very restful. Lots to see, eat and drink, but I enjoyed it all:) I can honestly say I left home for the airport that morning without a tear in my eye;) I.needed.it.
My friend, L, that went with me is a talker. I've known her since 7th grade. Although she has her own set of issues, she is extremely insightful. Her dad was an abusive alcoholic. Her mom finally divorced him when L was 4, after he held a gun to her 8 year old brothers head. She was completely floored that I had held in so much. I guess I really didn't realize I had. It's just part of the illness/enabling. We did a lot of therapy while there. It was good. Really good. I came to several new conclusions, and some of the things she said really stuck with me.
We were sitting in a bar at 2 in the afternoon, listening to dueling pianos, singing along to all my fave songs (think old school Elton John, Billy Joel) and I said "D would have HATED this place. We would NOT be sitting here." I explained that he hates loud places, that he views as obnoxious, hates listening to the same songs over and over that he's "been listening to since he was five." Both of the nights before we had been out at other sing along places. I sang so loud I woke up hoarse both days. L looked at me and said "this is YOU. This is HAPPY you. The old 'S.' And he doesn't like it." It made me sad, so sad. I didn't change FOR him. It wasn't blatant. But, in an attempt to fit in to his idea of fun/normal, I DID change. I needed to hear it.
What's weighing on my mind more than anything else though, is that S is clearly suffering. While I was gone, my brother in law was over at our house for a bit. My mom called to tell me that S was acting funny, wanting NOTHING to do with him. She LOVES him, talks about him a fair amount, despite not seeing him that often. It got so bad that she went in the other room until he left. When my parents found her, she was flushed and had a slightly elevated temp. Prior to this happening, I've noticed her obsessing about our sitter C's husband, B. B is GREAT. He's my co-worker. She talks about him ALOT, and has over the past few months. "Where's B? Is he at home? Did you see him at work? etc.' BUT, when she is around him she wants nothing to do with him and becomes clingy to me. Now, I'm not deluded enough to think that just because he's "nice" something might not have happened. I've questioned her about it several times, when it seemed natural to do so. She's never given me an answers that we reason for alarm, and in general she seems to like him.
This morning, I dropped the 3 off at C's house. B was home, and S saw him as soon as she walked in. Cue the clingyness. I walked into the playroom with her, and the babies, along with C and her 3 kids. I looked down and S was crying. Clearly distraught. I KNEW why, and tried to explain to C as best I could, while still being slightly cryptic.
My theory is that S is mad/upset, whatever adjective you want to use, with D. She doesn't feel like she can voice/show that to him. In fact, when she sees him she JUMPS in his arms. Talks about him alot (more than I wish she would). She's projecting those angry/sad feelings on to other men that she views as "like" him, b/c she sees them as close in age. She, mimimally, seems fearful around them, but usually it's more avoidant than anything. She simply wants nothing to do with them. She does NOT do this with my dad or grandfather. In fact, it's quite the opposite.
I don't know. Maybe I'm completely off base. I did mention this to cousin H this morning. She actually said that she's wondered, although it's a HUGE stretch, if some of S's physical issues (lots of colds, respiratory issues, infections, etc) are not a result of the stress/tension that she's felt in our house.
So. There is one agency in my city that specializes in treating children of divorce. They work with kids as young as 3.5, which is how old she is, as of a few days ago. I have a call in to them to talk about what's going on. I just want to slap the crap out of him for doing this to her. I do NOT want her to have "man" issues the rest of her life.:(
My friend, L, that went with me is a talker. I've known her since 7th grade. Although she has her own set of issues, she is extremely insightful. Her dad was an abusive alcoholic. Her mom finally divorced him when L was 4, after he held a gun to her 8 year old brothers head. She was completely floored that I had held in so much. I guess I really didn't realize I had. It's just part of the illness/enabling. We did a lot of therapy while there. It was good. Really good. I came to several new conclusions, and some of the things she said really stuck with me.
We were sitting in a bar at 2 in the afternoon, listening to dueling pianos, singing along to all my fave songs (think old school Elton John, Billy Joel) and I said "D would have HATED this place. We would NOT be sitting here." I explained that he hates loud places, that he views as obnoxious, hates listening to the same songs over and over that he's "been listening to since he was five." Both of the nights before we had been out at other sing along places. I sang so loud I woke up hoarse both days. L looked at me and said "this is YOU. This is HAPPY you. The old 'S.' And he doesn't like it." It made me sad, so sad. I didn't change FOR him. It wasn't blatant. But, in an attempt to fit in to his idea of fun/normal, I DID change. I needed to hear it.
What's weighing on my mind more than anything else though, is that S is clearly suffering. While I was gone, my brother in law was over at our house for a bit. My mom called to tell me that S was acting funny, wanting NOTHING to do with him. She LOVES him, talks about him a fair amount, despite not seeing him that often. It got so bad that she went in the other room until he left. When my parents found her, she was flushed and had a slightly elevated temp. Prior to this happening, I've noticed her obsessing about our sitter C's husband, B. B is GREAT. He's my co-worker. She talks about him ALOT, and has over the past few months. "Where's B? Is he at home? Did you see him at work? etc.' BUT, when she is around him she wants nothing to do with him and becomes clingy to me. Now, I'm not deluded enough to think that just because he's "nice" something might not have happened. I've questioned her about it several times, when it seemed natural to do so. She's never given me an answers that we reason for alarm, and in general she seems to like him.
This morning, I dropped the 3 off at C's house. B was home, and S saw him as soon as she walked in. Cue the clingyness. I walked into the playroom with her, and the babies, along with C and her 3 kids. I looked down and S was crying. Clearly distraught. I KNEW why, and tried to explain to C as best I could, while still being slightly cryptic.
My theory is that S is mad/upset, whatever adjective you want to use, with D. She doesn't feel like she can voice/show that to him. In fact, when she sees him she JUMPS in his arms. Talks about him alot (more than I wish she would). She's projecting those angry/sad feelings on to other men that she views as "like" him, b/c she sees them as close in age. She, mimimally, seems fearful around them, but usually it's more avoidant than anything. She simply wants nothing to do with them. She does NOT do this with my dad or grandfather. In fact, it's quite the opposite.
I don't know. Maybe I'm completely off base. I did mention this to cousin H this morning. She actually said that she's wondered, although it's a HUGE stretch, if some of S's physical issues (lots of colds, respiratory issues, infections, etc) are not a result of the stress/tension that she's felt in our house.
So. There is one agency in my city that specializes in treating children of divorce. They work with kids as young as 3.5, which is how old she is, as of a few days ago. I have a call in to them to talk about what's going on. I just want to slap the crap out of him for doing this to her. I do NOT want her to have "man" issues the rest of her life.:(
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