tons of updates

I'm not sure where to start. I mean well, wanting to come post here, but then it seems so overwhelming at times. Part of it is just the procrastinator in me, but the bigger part is that it is so draining. It's hard enough to LIVE these experiences, but then to actually record them...it's hard sometimes.

1) We signed the separation papers on Monday. Dissolution of Marriage. Such a sad, SAD term. It was fairly unemotional for me, until I watched D sign the papers. Funnily enough, MY signing them didn't phase me. Each page I initialed, each place I dated was just another baby step away from the man who cannot care for me or our children the way I need him to. But, to watch him sign, so easily, so non-chalantly, was a little dagger in my heart. How can he just throw "us" away?

The lawyer mentioned that the entire packet was 78 pages. D said "dead trees." I was thinking "dead marriage."

We had to record an official date of separation. When the lawyer asked for it Dan looked puzzled, like "hmmm what should we say." I assume he was maybe thinking the day he moved back into the condo. I immediately said February 13. It just came out. I realized after the fact that it was the night he was so drunk that he left, and I wouldn't let him back in the next day. That was the night that I finally realized things were over, at least from my perspective.

Now, we both have to take an online course for self-representation. I took mine. Once he takes his, I'll go to the courthourse to file. From there, they have to wait 30 days. During that time, we both have to take a parenting course, and then at the end of the 30 days we should get a letter from the Court with a date/time of our hearing.

2) This Wednesday he was supposed to come over after I got home from work. He sent me an IM on FB that he wasn't coming, and "tell Sophie I'll see her tomorrow." I have never picked up my phone so fast in my life. "Why aren't you coming?" "I've been drinking." "I don't care that you've been drinking. I care that you told S you'd see her tonight and now you won't." "I'm a drunk. A shitty dad."  blah, blah, blah. I let him have it. I told him I will NOT allow him to make promises to her that he can't keep, that she deserves more respec than he gives her. I finally hung up on him.

Thank GOD she wasn't phased by not seeing him that night. But, I was livid. LIVID. It's not acceptable. I "separated" us on Facebook:) Funny how I can't do things like this when he does something to ME, but it's the way he treats my children that makes me take my rings off, etc.

3) Again, last night he didn't come over. This was probably partially because S wasn't there (is staying with my parents this weekend). But hello, he has other children too! The weird part is that he made a special trip while I was at work to put something in my mailbox, but couldn't be bothered to help with his children later on that night.

OK, i have more updates than this, but really need to get back to work...