D has big ones today. He freaking wished me happy 10th wedding anniversary on FB. OMG. I seriously almost fell off my chair, my mouth was just GAPING open.
Denial, much? I mean, yes we'd talked about having dinner tonight. That plan quickly flew out the window along with his .07 on Tuesday afternoon. But to make it so PUBLIC. I would have been much less shocked for him to send a text "thinking about you" or "happy anniversary." But Face.book. OMG
I sat here and stewed about it. Was getting more and more anxious about it as friends started "liking" it, several of which (including my sister) know about the divorce. WHO DOES THAT? I wanted to respond, something witty, something sarcastic, something with a bit of sting, but I didn't like any of the consequences of anything that I came up with it.
So, IM'd him. That's what we do these days right? I certainly don't want to TALK to him. I asked who he'd told. He mentioned 3 people, and that they know everything. I asked him "does 'everything' include the fact that you're an alcoholic?" He said "yes, and thanks for the reminder." I responded with "no problem, didn't want you to forget that little issue. You know, the one that tore our marriage apart. And, I don't see anything 'happy' about the fact that I haven't seen you since Tuesday at which time I kicked you out b/c you'd been drinking while caring for our kids." He got off FB sometime in the middle of my ranting. He won't respond. He might delete his post. That would be the passive aggressive D that I know.
Ass. This day was going along just fine, until he posted that. I was ok, and now I'm just pissed, and anxious and want to crawl into bed.
Friday, March 29, 2013
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Feeling really blessed
I really do like to look for the best in people/things/events. Perhaps this is part of the reason I've kept D around for so long.
I feel SO blessed with the support I have received, once I "outed" myself (and D). As someone who loves an alcoholic, I feel ashamed, embarrassed, guilty, secretive, fearful, etc. Feelings not much different than what D feels, WHEN he feels. It took alot for me to admit to my friends what was going on, and to be HONEST about what is going in. To be honest with others forces you to be honest with yourself, and it's hard. Really hard. Sometimes impossible. But, I honestly feel like a weight has been lifted since I started sharing.
Very often now, I feel wrapped in love. I have friends e-mail, text, give me hugs, call just to make sure things are ok. My boss brought me dinner on Sunday night. My mom is doing my laundry. People are praying for me. It feels good.
I have come a long way, but I still have a long way to go. It's hard to be completely honest here, for fear of what others may think about my situation. To someone who has never experienced a relationship like this, I understand how hard it is to NOT think "what the fuck is she thinking by staying/why did she stay so long, etc." I made a comment several weeks ago that I'm as sick as D. It's true. I believe it. He may be addicted to alcohol, but I'm addicted to him, to the drama that surrounds him. The reasons he drinks are deep-seeded; the reasons I love him are also. There's a reason I picked HIM. That's next in therapy, lol:) Yes, it may SEEM like an obvious choice to cut all ties, but it's not that easy. It's hard to go cold turkey, even though I know it's best for me and my family.
I realize it seems asinine to continue to give him chances. I KNOW this. But it goes beyond that. It's about whats irrational and illogical; that's what an addiction is. I'm a social worker. If I had a client sitting across from me I would give her MUCH different advice than what I'm actually practicing.
I'm not continuing to give him chances for HIS sake. I'm continuing to give him chances because I love my children and want them to know their (sober) father. S came crying to me last night because she didn't get to see D yesterday. "Why isn't he coming tonight? What is he doing? I want him to stay with us and sleep in our house like he used to do." The image of A's 19 month old face, with a smile so big it literally takes over her entire face when he walks in the door, is what wants me to continue to give him chances.
He won't get many more. I promise that. But I'm not quite done being hopeful for my children. I've given up on remaining married, but have not yet made that final decision that he will not be involved with his children.
I feel SO blessed with the support I have received, once I "outed" myself (and D). As someone who loves an alcoholic, I feel ashamed, embarrassed, guilty, secretive, fearful, etc. Feelings not much different than what D feels, WHEN he feels. It took alot for me to admit to my friends what was going on, and to be HONEST about what is going in. To be honest with others forces you to be honest with yourself, and it's hard. Really hard. Sometimes impossible. But, I honestly feel like a weight has been lifted since I started sharing.
Very often now, I feel wrapped in love. I have friends e-mail, text, give me hugs, call just to make sure things are ok. My boss brought me dinner on Sunday night. My mom is doing my laundry. People are praying for me. It feels good.
I have come a long way, but I still have a long way to go. It's hard to be completely honest here, for fear of what others may think about my situation. To someone who has never experienced a relationship like this, I understand how hard it is to NOT think "what the fuck is she thinking by staying/why did she stay so long, etc." I made a comment several weeks ago that I'm as sick as D. It's true. I believe it. He may be addicted to alcohol, but I'm addicted to him, to the drama that surrounds him. The reasons he drinks are deep-seeded; the reasons I love him are also. There's a reason I picked HIM. That's next in therapy, lol:) Yes, it may SEEM like an obvious choice to cut all ties, but it's not that easy. It's hard to go cold turkey, even though I know it's best for me and my family.
I realize it seems asinine to continue to give him chances. I KNOW this. But it goes beyond that. It's about whats irrational and illogical; that's what an addiction is. I'm a social worker. If I had a client sitting across from me I would give her MUCH different advice than what I'm actually practicing.
I'm not continuing to give him chances for HIS sake. I'm continuing to give him chances because I love my children and want them to know their (sober) father. S came crying to me last night because she didn't get to see D yesterday. "Why isn't he coming tonight? What is he doing? I want him to stay with us and sleep in our house like he used to do." The image of A's 19 month old face, with a smile so big it literally takes over her entire face when he walks in the door, is what wants me to continue to give him chances.
He won't get many more. I promise that. But I'm not quite done being hopeful for my children. I've given up on remaining married, but have not yet made that final decision that he will not be involved with his children.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
.04 to .07
Yup. He sucks. And is a liar. He arrived yesterday at 7:40 am, with McD's breakfast for me. My gut told me something was up, but I ignored it. I had him do the breathalyzer and it was .04. He insisted it was from the night before. Even then, I'm not sure I believed him, but he's been doing so well that I gave him the benefit of the doubt.
When I got home last night, he was READY to leave. Shoes were on, he was out the door. I asked him to blow again. He walked into the other room and did it. I could hear him, and he came back and said he got an error message. I told him to do it again. He walked away again and came back and said .00 and handed it to me. I told him the reading had already disappeared and asked him to do it again.
.07
SO, you were .04 this AM and didn't drink anything today and now there is MORE alcohol in your system. How is that possible? I don't know. Jerk. Fucking JERK. I told him to leave, and that I didn't need his help today.
I DO NOT UNDERSTAND. I mean, I get that it's an illness, but I JUST DON'T CARE ANYMORE. SUCK IT UP AND TAKE CARE OF YOUR CHILDREN. OR NOT. JUST GET THE HELL OUT OF MY LIFE, OUT OF THEIR LIFE.
I swear, it would be easier for me if he just left town. Seriously. Then, I wouldn't have to worry. And feel guilty about not letting our kids see him.
And yes, I searched for the bottle(s), but never did fit it/them.
When I got home last night, he was READY to leave. Shoes were on, he was out the door. I asked him to blow again. He walked into the other room and did it. I could hear him, and he came back and said he got an error message. I told him to do it again. He walked away again and came back and said .00 and handed it to me. I told him the reading had already disappeared and asked him to do it again.
.07
SO, you were .04 this AM and didn't drink anything today and now there is MORE alcohol in your system. How is that possible? I don't know. Jerk. Fucking JERK. I told him to leave, and that I didn't need his help today.
I DO NOT UNDERSTAND. I mean, I get that it's an illness, but I JUST DON'T CARE ANYMORE. SUCK IT UP AND TAKE CARE OF YOUR CHILDREN. OR NOT. JUST GET THE HELL OUT OF MY LIFE, OUT OF THEIR LIFE.
I swear, it would be easier for me if he just left town. Seriously. Then, I wouldn't have to worry. And feel guilty about not letting our kids see him.
And yes, I searched for the bottle(s), but never did fit it/them.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Mediation take 2
Well, this is moving right along. Saturday was our 2nd session. We got all $$$/property figured out. Poor attorney, I'm not sure he knew what to do with a couple that WASN'T fighting. He was going into detail about the equity in our house, condo and 2 cars and doing his best to make it fair and even. D and I just looked at each other and then him and told him we didn't really care about the equity. I'll get my car and the house, D will get his car and condo. D is foregoing taking any of my 403B (to which he's entitled) and instead will take my Roth IRA, which is minimal. Otherwise, we'll split our trust 50/50.
He said several times that he doesn't care about the money and his main concern is that I have enough to take care of the kids.
He's on a roll and doing really well. Not staying sober necessarily, but being really productive. He spent several hours at our house on Saturday after the appt, and then all day on Sunday and spent the night Sunday night. I asked him to do so, in the event our sitter couldn't make it Monday morning, due to 14" of snow. Plus, he was with S all day on Friday b/c she was sick. He's not been drinking while he's with us.
He probably WILL move into our condo asap, instead of staying in his apartment. It will cost money upfront (to get out of lease and out of our contract with leasing company), but in the long run I will REALLY appreciate not having to play landlord. And at least this way, D isn't throwing money away into an apartment, it will go towards his equity. I hate that he'll be farther away from our house, although not much, but I do think it will be a relief for me. And once he re-fi's (we have a year to do so), it won't be my property anyway and he can do anything to it that he pleases.
So, the question of the day is what in the world will we do for our TENTH anniversary, which is this Friday. At mediation, he asked "when is the 29th?" I knew what he was getting at and told him it is next Friday, and asked sort of tongue in cheek, how we should celebrate. He thinks we should take the kids to an early dinner. I'm not opposed to that. I think neither of us will want to be alone and as he said "technically, we're still married." I'm fine with it, looking forward to it actually. He's my friend, the father of my beautiful babies, and I LIKE him (most of the time!).
Also, the lawyer brought up legal separation vs divorce. Apparently there is really no difference, except that with legal separation the couple is technically still married, so the spouse without insurance (D, in this case), would still be eligible for insurance. I'm ALL about the legal separation, so long as it helps to keep him insured. My HR rep is trying to figure out the specifics and see if this is even a possibility with my employer. I can revise to "divorced" at any time, if I want to remarry (gasp!), if he gets disability (and then qualifies for Med.icaid), etc.
He said several times that he doesn't care about the money and his main concern is that I have enough to take care of the kids.
He's on a roll and doing really well. Not staying sober necessarily, but being really productive. He spent several hours at our house on Saturday after the appt, and then all day on Sunday and spent the night Sunday night. I asked him to do so, in the event our sitter couldn't make it Monday morning, due to 14" of snow. Plus, he was with S all day on Friday b/c she was sick. He's not been drinking while he's with us.
He probably WILL move into our condo asap, instead of staying in his apartment. It will cost money upfront (to get out of lease and out of our contract with leasing company), but in the long run I will REALLY appreciate not having to play landlord. And at least this way, D isn't throwing money away into an apartment, it will go towards his equity. I hate that he'll be farther away from our house, although not much, but I do think it will be a relief for me. And once he re-fi's (we have a year to do so), it won't be my property anyway and he can do anything to it that he pleases.
So, the question of the day is what in the world will we do for our TENTH anniversary, which is this Friday. At mediation, he asked "when is the 29th?" I knew what he was getting at and told him it is next Friday, and asked sort of tongue in cheek, how we should celebrate. He thinks we should take the kids to an early dinner. I'm not opposed to that. I think neither of us will want to be alone and as he said "technically, we're still married." I'm fine with it, looking forward to it actually. He's my friend, the father of my beautiful babies, and I LIKE him (most of the time!).
Also, the lawyer brought up legal separation vs divorce. Apparently there is really no difference, except that with legal separation the couple is technically still married, so the spouse without insurance (D, in this case), would still be eligible for insurance. I'm ALL about the legal separation, so long as it helps to keep him insured. My HR rep is trying to figure out the specifics and see if this is even a possibility with my employer. I can revise to "divorced" at any time, if I want to remarry (gasp!), if he gets disability (and then qualifies for Med.icaid), etc.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
guilt
Another good day for D, at least as of about 12:30 this afternoon. He called me to say he's been productive, but had some questions for me. He needs the the account and routing number for his checking account, since his social security disabilty application requires it. He also informed me that he needs proof that he's been insured (car) for the last x years. I asked why. He said he's going with a new (online) company b/c they provide liability only coverage for $35. Well now THAT'S all he needs. He could hear the concern in my voice and immediately told me that of course he'll get more than just liability. Yeah right. This is where my new umbrella policy might come in handy.:-/
He's also trying to schedule an appt with a local mental health agency, but they require him to get authorization from our insurance. He really just has no idea how to do things like this. I told him to call the number on the back of the insurance card and they'd guide him in the right direction.
He told me he'd gone to AA again last night. I believe him. He's doing all of this in prep for our mediation meeting on Saturday. Procrastinate much?
He happened to call me as I was pulling into the mall parking lot. After our call, I went shopping. I was in the middle of the store, arms full of clothes to try on, and I thought of him. Immediate guilt. He's holed up in his little apartment, scrimping on car insurance, and here I am going on a spending spree. Now, I didn't think about putting anything down, but it did make me think twice before moving on. But really, this is MY money damnit, and I haven't been shopping since Thanksgiving. And REALLY, it's my money now, since D's paycheck goes into his own account. But, the irony wasn't lost and me, and neither was the guilt:(
Then, I was sitting in the mall eating a pretzel, because I cannot REMEMBER the last time I actually sat down without having a child attached to me, and I started thinking. And thought, maybe I'm just being overdramatic. Maybe I'm just blowing this all out of proportion and it's not really as bad as I think it as, or as I portray it to be, to others. Maybe I can live with this. And THEN I think back to the post I made about the top 10 things he did when he was drunk, that actually turned into 12 things. Those things actually HAPPENED. To ME! I played those over in my mind and thought, nope. Even if I AM over-reacting or blowing it out of proportion, I am not happy with continuing to have to live like I have been living, to deal with what I've had no choice but to deal with (because until now, I hadn't had the strength to leave). I absolutely hate that I could double think myself into staying. I know I have in the past. I won't this time, but my mind is just not logical sometimes.
Then, I talk with my mom who tells me about a fairly recent occasion (last few months prior to him moving out) when my parents were in their car ready to leave our house for the day and they could HEAR D yelling at S, through closed windows, into our driveway. I was LIVID. At the time, my dad told my mom that he needed to tell me. My mom told him that it wasn't their business. My dad said that he knew I would not approve of what was going on. So, I hear about this months later...the good news is I that I felt a hell of a lot less guilty about the shopping spree I'd just gone on.
Finally, as I'm driving out of the parking lot I had the oddest memory pop up, of when we first met. It was within the first 3 months of meeting him, b/c we hadn't yet moved in together. We went to dinner and a movie, and of course dinner consisted of several drinks, for both of us. He fell asleep in the movie. I remember at the time we joked about it, I thought it was funny, and chalked it up to a horrible movie. Um, hello red flag that I refused to see!
He's also trying to schedule an appt with a local mental health agency, but they require him to get authorization from our insurance. He really just has no idea how to do things like this. I told him to call the number on the back of the insurance card and they'd guide him in the right direction.
He told me he'd gone to AA again last night. I believe him. He's doing all of this in prep for our mediation meeting on Saturday. Procrastinate much?
He happened to call me as I was pulling into the mall parking lot. After our call, I went shopping. I was in the middle of the store, arms full of clothes to try on, and I thought of him. Immediate guilt. He's holed up in his little apartment, scrimping on car insurance, and here I am going on a spending spree. Now, I didn't think about putting anything down, but it did make me think twice before moving on. But really, this is MY money damnit, and I haven't been shopping since Thanksgiving. And REALLY, it's my money now, since D's paycheck goes into his own account. But, the irony wasn't lost and me, and neither was the guilt:(
Then, I was sitting in the mall eating a pretzel, because I cannot REMEMBER the last time I actually sat down without having a child attached to me, and I started thinking. And thought, maybe I'm just being overdramatic. Maybe I'm just blowing this all out of proportion and it's not really as bad as I think it as, or as I portray it to be, to others. Maybe I can live with this. And THEN I think back to the post I made about the top 10 things he did when he was drunk, that actually turned into 12 things. Those things actually HAPPENED. To ME! I played those over in my mind and thought, nope. Even if I AM over-reacting or blowing it out of proportion, I am not happy with continuing to have to live like I have been living, to deal with what I've had no choice but to deal with (because until now, I hadn't had the strength to leave). I absolutely hate that I could double think myself into staying. I know I have in the past. I won't this time, but my mind is just not logical sometimes.
Then, I talk with my mom who tells me about a fairly recent occasion (last few months prior to him moving out) when my parents were in their car ready to leave our house for the day and they could HEAR D yelling at S, through closed windows, into our driveway. I was LIVID. At the time, my dad told my mom that he needed to tell me. My mom told him that it wasn't their business. My dad said that he knew I would not approve of what was going on. So, I hear about this months later...the good news is I that I felt a hell of a lot less guilty about the shopping spree I'd just gone on.
Finally, as I'm driving out of the parking lot I had the oddest memory pop up, of when we first met. It was within the first 3 months of meeting him, b/c we hadn't yet moved in together. We went to dinner and a movie, and of course dinner consisted of several drinks, for both of us. He fell asleep in the movie. I remember at the time we joked about it, I thought it was funny, and chalked it up to a horrible movie. Um, hello red flag that I refused to see!
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Waiting for the other shoe...
I think it's safe to say that if you love someone with ANY addiction, and they are in a good place, you are ALWAYS waiting for the other shoe to drop. Because it will. At least for D. That's me right now. Part of me is very relaxed, because there is no chaos. But the other part of me is completely anxious, knowing that this "lull" is just that.
Yes, he's still drinking. BUT, this is day #3 that he's in a good place. He's even feeling so good that he visited with my parents today while they were at our house watching babies. This was the first meeting since I told my parents that he moved out. Both D and my mom said it was awkward, but OK. According to her he said something like "I still love her, I love my children, but this isn't a good situation anymore." That was her version of what he said. I sort of know what he was trying to say at least.
It's relaxing times like this that I fall into SO easily, and then am unfotrunately yanked out of much too quickly. NOW is the time to expect a call from the hospital, or jail, etc, because of course it's at the most unexpected time.
ALWAYS waiting for the other shoe to drop. And that's no way to live.
I hate that my feelings are still SO tied up with his. I got home last night, and he was "on." Cooking, cleaning, playing with babies. Things were good. He went to an AA meeting last night (yes, I'm fairly certain). He stayed home until 6:30 and the meeting started at 7. He told me he was afraid if he left home early he'd head to the store and never make it to the meeting. Progress! Anyhoo...I was buzzing around our house picking up, putting away, general cleaning, GREAT mood. All b/c he is doing well. If I'd gotten home and he'd been drinking, I would have kicked him out and sulked around the rest of the night, counting the minutes until my babies were in bed so that I could hide under my own covers. I hate that it's like that. I feel like I'm making progress, but last night it was so obvious that I was riding on HIS high.
Yes, he's still drinking. BUT, this is day #3 that he's in a good place. He's even feeling so good that he visited with my parents today while they were at our house watching babies. This was the first meeting since I told my parents that he moved out. Both D and my mom said it was awkward, but OK. According to her he said something like "I still love her, I love my children, but this isn't a good situation anymore." That was her version of what he said. I sort of know what he was trying to say at least.
It's relaxing times like this that I fall into SO easily, and then am unfotrunately yanked out of much too quickly. NOW is the time to expect a call from the hospital, or jail, etc, because of course it's at the most unexpected time.
ALWAYS waiting for the other shoe to drop. And that's no way to live.
I hate that my feelings are still SO tied up with his. I got home last night, and he was "on." Cooking, cleaning, playing with babies. Things were good. He went to an AA meeting last night (yes, I'm fairly certain). He stayed home until 6:30 and the meeting started at 7. He told me he was afraid if he left home early he'd head to the store and never make it to the meeting. Progress! Anyhoo...I was buzzing around our house picking up, putting away, general cleaning, GREAT mood. All b/c he is doing well. If I'd gotten home and he'd been drinking, I would have kicked him out and sulked around the rest of the night, counting the minutes until my babies were in bed so that I could hide under my own covers. I hate that it's like that. I feel like I'm making progress, but last night it was so obvious that I was riding on HIS high.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Denial. Yes or No?
Just now, I heard both insight and denial within the same 5 minutes. I called D to see if I needed anything before I came home. We talked a minute, and then he says that J IM'd him on FB. J (and my bff S) are also getting a divorce. J had no idea about ours. The insight? D told him that the divorce is happening because of his drinking. Good, good. That's progress!
The denial? A few minutes later I asked him if he'd called any of the agencies I'd sent him to get an appt. He said "noooo, I'm not really sure what to say about why I'm calling. I mean, what do I need?"
Um, hahahahahaha?! Funny, right? Thankfully, I didn't laugh. I did say that he needs to call and let them know he's going through a divorce, and that him being able to see his kids is contingent on him receiving on-going therapy.
That bit of denial aside, he DOES seem to be in a better place the last two days. Before he left last night, I asked if he'd been to AA. He said no, but that he was going when he left. Obviously he didn't. Otherwise, he's been productive with work, patient with babies, etc, both yesterday and today. He mentioned his car lasting at least 10 more years. He rarely talks about the future, so it always makes me feel good when I hear things like that. THESE are the days when I get a teeny bit hopeful. This is the D that I want, that is rational/logical/HAPPY. I also know, based on past experience, that this could just be because we're seeing the lawyer on Saturday. He has a history of doing this prior to dr appts also. Like, he's trying so hard to make himself better so he has something good to report. Then, of course, Saturday night and into Sunday will probably be a fiasco.
Oh, and another funny...during the same convo as above he asked about our car insurance. I'd already told him that I got a new policy in just my name, and explained that he can keep the policy we have, just to take my name off and change his address. He said "so I paid $240 last week. That was for me and you, for what, 3 months?" "Um no, that was for us, for ONE month." He was shocked, and I said "well, that's what happens..." "That's what happens when what?" "When you have a driving record as shitty as yours!" That shut him up.
He just CANNOT connect the dots. I really wonder if some of it isn't just plain old neurological problems from drinking. If not, he's certainly the poster child for I HAVE NO INSIGHT INTO MY ILLNESS.
Remember our condo debacle? How he decided to show up unannounced and have a 1 person party? To do damage control, I had to let the tenants have the ability to break their lease as early as March 1. So, of course 24 hours AFTER D signs his apartment lease, the tenants put in their notice. It's always freaking something. Anyhoo, I say all that to say that a few weeks after they put in their notice, D and I were talking about the condo. He said "the last time I was in there, the place was a mess. The kitchen was dirty..." I just cut him off and not so politely reminded him that the LAST time he was in there is the REASON we're in this freaking predicament in the first place and he just needed to keep his mouth shut about it. I mean, really, who in their right mind would even bring that up?!?
The denial? A few minutes later I asked him if he'd called any of the agencies I'd sent him to get an appt. He said "noooo, I'm not really sure what to say about why I'm calling. I mean, what do I need?"
Um, hahahahahaha?! Funny, right? Thankfully, I didn't laugh. I did say that he needs to call and let them know he's going through a divorce, and that him being able to see his kids is contingent on him receiving on-going therapy.
That bit of denial aside, he DOES seem to be in a better place the last two days. Before he left last night, I asked if he'd been to AA. He said no, but that he was going when he left. Obviously he didn't. Otherwise, he's been productive with work, patient with babies, etc, both yesterday and today. He mentioned his car lasting at least 10 more years. He rarely talks about the future, so it always makes me feel good when I hear things like that. THESE are the days when I get a teeny bit hopeful. This is the D that I want, that is rational/logical/HAPPY. I also know, based on past experience, that this could just be because we're seeing the lawyer on Saturday. He has a history of doing this prior to dr appts also. Like, he's trying so hard to make himself better so he has something good to report. Then, of course, Saturday night and into Sunday will probably be a fiasco.
Oh, and another funny...during the same convo as above he asked about our car insurance. I'd already told him that I got a new policy in just my name, and explained that he can keep the policy we have, just to take my name off and change his address. He said "so I paid $240 last week. That was for me and you, for what, 3 months?" "Um no, that was for us, for ONE month." He was shocked, and I said "well, that's what happens..." "That's what happens when what?" "When you have a driving record as shitty as yours!" That shut him up.
He just CANNOT connect the dots. I really wonder if some of it isn't just plain old neurological problems from drinking. If not, he's certainly the poster child for I HAVE NO INSIGHT INTO MY ILLNESS.
Remember our condo debacle? How he decided to show up unannounced and have a 1 person party? To do damage control, I had to let the tenants have the ability to break their lease as early as March 1. So, of course 24 hours AFTER D signs his apartment lease, the tenants put in their notice. It's always freaking something. Anyhoo, I say all that to say that a few weeks after they put in their notice, D and I were talking about the condo. He said "the last time I was in there, the place was a mess. The kitchen was dirty..." I just cut him off and not so politely reminded him that the LAST time he was in there is the REASON we're in this freaking predicament in the first place and he just needed to keep his mouth shut about it. I mean, really, who in their right mind would even bring that up?!?
Monday, March 18, 2013
the weekend
I have no clever name for this post. Just wanted to mention the highs and lows, the weirdness, the sickness, the new normal.
D came over about 9 on Saturday so I could take C to get his hair cut. He was sober, as sober as he's going to get, so I didn't ask him to use the breathalyzer. Things are just so much more chaotic when he's there. I don't know if it's simply him being there, and that he gets that babies worked up, or what, but it was crazy. Not bad crazy, just crazy. Loud. He napped on and off Saturday morning. I finally asked if he just wanted to leave. he said that his cell phone died and that's what he used for an alarm, so he was awake every hour Sat morning worried that he would oversleep. OK, fine.
Saturday afternoon I decided to take a nap while the babies were napping. I've been fighting a nasty cold and just really needed to rest. Babies wake up at 4 from their nap. At 4:10, D popped his head in the bedroom door and asked "are you planning on joining us?" Um, REALLY. Are YOU planning on joining the world of the responsible? No, oh ok, then I'm going to just hang out here a bit longer. Ass.
About 5, he was trying to work. I noticed him start to sweat, and then noticed that he was trembling so bad he could barely use the mouse on his computer. I kept seeing him sneak glances at me to see if I noticed. It was really impossible not to. he finally said he had planned on spending the night (sober of course), but that he wasn't doing to well and really needed to go (read: needed some alcohol to get rid of the withdrawal symptoms). I did feel for him, it was really heart wrenching to watch. I've seem him shake before, but NEVER like this. He said he "partied hard on Thurs and Friday" and was paying for it. Whatever.
He came back Sunday morning. Better mood. Seemed more motivated. Got alot of work done. Cooked (!!!) for me. Then, he posts on FB that he cooked for "his wifey." It caught me off guard, like dude, WTH do you think is happening here? Cousin H sent me a text this AM, questioning his post. I confirmed that yes, he does seem to be in denial. As she said, he seems to think his apartment is some sort of vacation rental.
Our next mediation appt is this Saturday. I'm certain he has not gone to 4 AA meetings in the past 2 weeks, nor has he even attempted to get a therapy appt with any of the agencies I sent him. What happens if he doesn't comply? I have no clue.
I reminded him that our nieces b-day party is this weekend (2 hours away), daughter of his brother M. I told him I planned to go and he said "are you crazy." Again, whatever. He then said "don't feed M anymore propaganda about me." Um, excuse me, you mean the TRUTH!?!?!
He just continues to live in the is world of denial, where nothing is his fault, but everything is about him. He mentioned the monotony (again) of his job this weekend. I reminded him that he now has the freedom to go out and find something else. His response was "and I really like people telling me what to do." At first, I thought it was a jab at me that I was telling him what to do, but he kept talking and I realized it was about actually working. He reminded me of instances where he had a boss that knew less than him/was less productive than him, but yet he had to take orders b/c he was the boss.
Um YES, that's the way it works. You can't be out of work over 3 years, being FIRED from your last 3 jobs b/c of drinking, and expect to slide into a cake job where you're the boss. isn't.going.to.happy. He lives in lala land.
D came over about 9 on Saturday so I could take C to get his hair cut. He was sober, as sober as he's going to get, so I didn't ask him to use the breathalyzer. Things are just so much more chaotic when he's there. I don't know if it's simply him being there, and that he gets that babies worked up, or what, but it was crazy. Not bad crazy, just crazy. Loud. He napped on and off Saturday morning. I finally asked if he just wanted to leave. he said that his cell phone died and that's what he used for an alarm, so he was awake every hour Sat morning worried that he would oversleep. OK, fine.
Saturday afternoon I decided to take a nap while the babies were napping. I've been fighting a nasty cold and just really needed to rest. Babies wake up at 4 from their nap. At 4:10, D popped his head in the bedroom door and asked "are you planning on joining us?" Um, REALLY. Are YOU planning on joining the world of the responsible? No, oh ok, then I'm going to just hang out here a bit longer. Ass.
About 5, he was trying to work. I noticed him start to sweat, and then noticed that he was trembling so bad he could barely use the mouse on his computer. I kept seeing him sneak glances at me to see if I noticed. It was really impossible not to. he finally said he had planned on spending the night (sober of course), but that he wasn't doing to well and really needed to go (read: needed some alcohol to get rid of the withdrawal symptoms). I did feel for him, it was really heart wrenching to watch. I've seem him shake before, but NEVER like this. He said he "partied hard on Thurs and Friday" and was paying for it. Whatever.
He came back Sunday morning. Better mood. Seemed more motivated. Got alot of work done. Cooked (!!!) for me. Then, he posts on FB that he cooked for "his wifey." It caught me off guard, like dude, WTH do you think is happening here? Cousin H sent me a text this AM, questioning his post. I confirmed that yes, he does seem to be in denial. As she said, he seems to think his apartment is some sort of vacation rental.
Our next mediation appt is this Saturday. I'm certain he has not gone to 4 AA meetings in the past 2 weeks, nor has he even attempted to get a therapy appt with any of the agencies I sent him. What happens if he doesn't comply? I have no clue.
I reminded him that our nieces b-day party is this weekend (2 hours away), daughter of his brother M. I told him I planned to go and he said "are you crazy." Again, whatever. He then said "don't feed M anymore propaganda about me." Um, excuse me, you mean the TRUTH!?!?!
He just continues to live in the is world of denial, where nothing is his fault, but everything is about him. He mentioned the monotony (again) of his job this weekend. I reminded him that he now has the freedom to go out and find something else. His response was "and I really like people telling me what to do." At first, I thought it was a jab at me that I was telling him what to do, but he kept talking and I realized it was about actually working. He reminded me of instances where he had a boss that knew less than him/was less productive than him, but yet he had to take orders b/c he was the boss.
Um YES, that's the way it works. You can't be out of work over 3 years, being FIRED from your last 3 jobs b/c of drinking, and expect to slide into a cake job where you're the boss. isn't.going.to.happy. He lives in lala land.
Friday, March 15, 2013
Thursdays....
It's very obvious that Thursdays will be the death of me. Not only do I work a full day, but I have to drop the babies off at one house, and then take S to her daycare and THEN go to work. Yesterday went like this.
6 am alarm
6:30 out of bed (really need to work on this!)
7:20 wake/feed babies
7:40 S awake (alot rides on how much she actually wants to get OUT of bed)
8:11 pulling out of the drive way
9:06 pulling into work.
4:15 left work
4:35 pick up S
4:45 pick up babies
5:10 home
OY.
Almost an hour commute to drop everyone off. Holy crap! I need to get my own butt out of bed by 6:15, and things would be much better. Once home last night, I made dinner (grilled cheese, if you call that dinner), did a load of laundry, put another load away, bath x 3, cleaned A's poop out of the bathtub, took dumpsters to the curb, ran a load of dishes.
Babies in bed at 7:40. I was still in my work clothes, and shoes at 8 pm. I had 2 bites of grilled cheese, a left over chicken nugget, 1 cheese stick, 2 spoonfuls of Nutella, and a glass of wine.
YES I had a glass of wine and it was HEAVENLY!
I briefly "talked" with D on FB yesterday, to figure out plans for the weekend. I asked how he was, how our dog was. He did NOT ask about our children. Pissed me the F off. I imagine that he assumes if something were wrong I'd let him know, but HELLO, ASK about your kids.
I officially have new car insurance, with a differant company from his. Also, in an effort to protect any assets I/we have, I purchased an umbrella policy, which covers anything in my name up to 1 million dollars, should D decide to get stupid drunk, and then get behind the wheel.
6 am alarm
6:30 out of bed (really need to work on this!)
7:20 wake/feed babies
7:40 S awake (alot rides on how much she actually wants to get OUT of bed)
8:11 pulling out of the drive way
9:06 pulling into work.
4:15 left work
4:35 pick up S
4:45 pick up babies
5:10 home
OY.
Almost an hour commute to drop everyone off. Holy crap! I need to get my own butt out of bed by 6:15, and things would be much better. Once home last night, I made dinner (grilled cheese, if you call that dinner), did a load of laundry, put another load away, bath x 3, cleaned A's poop out of the bathtub, took dumpsters to the curb, ran a load of dishes.
Babies in bed at 7:40. I was still in my work clothes, and shoes at 8 pm. I had 2 bites of grilled cheese, a left over chicken nugget, 1 cheese stick, 2 spoonfuls of Nutella, and a glass of wine.
YES I had a glass of wine and it was HEAVENLY!
I briefly "talked" with D on FB yesterday, to figure out plans for the weekend. I asked how he was, how our dog was. He did NOT ask about our children. Pissed me the F off. I imagine that he assumes if something were wrong I'd let him know, but HELLO, ASK about your kids.
I officially have new car insurance, with a differant company from his. Also, in an effort to protect any assets I/we have, I purchased an umbrella policy, which covers anything in my name up to 1 million dollars, should D decide to get stupid drunk, and then get behind the wheel.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
lyrics.
I listen to Pan.dora at work alot. Recently, I've been loving my Mum.ford and Sons station, which also mixes in some Jack Johnson, Adele, Vertical Horizon. Mellow, good work music. It's on right now, as I was working on a task. There was a song playing, I wasn't really paying attention, although I knew I'd never heard it. Finally, the words started to hit me, and I just stopped what I was doing and listened, and then pulled up the lyrics. It's "Ghost.s that we k.new" by Mumfor.d and Sons. Lyrics below. It is eerie, and haunting and very troubling for me. I feel this is what D is trying to say. Most likely, it's what I WANT him to say. I want him to come to his senses. He's being selfish. He's not being fair. He's not playing fair. And, I deserve that. Our babies deserve that. Yesterday, I was bitter. Today, I'm just sad. Sad for what he is feeling. Sad that he's not strong enough to fight it. Sad that he won't let me help. Sad. Completely helpless. Completely and utterly helpless.
You saw my pain, washed out in the rain
Broken glass, saw the blood run from my veins
But you saw no fault no cracks in my heart
And you knelt beside my hope torn apart
But the ghosts that we knew will flicker from view
And we'll live a long life
So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light
Cause oh they gave me such a fright
But I will hold as long as you like
Just promise me we'll be alright
So lead me back
Turn south from that place
And close my eyes to my recent disgrace
Cause you know my call
And we'll share my all
And our children come, they will hear me roar
So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light
Cause oh they gave me such a fright
But I will hold as long as you like
Just promise me that we'll be alright
But hold me still bury my heart on the cold
And hold me still bury my heart next to yours
So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light
Cause oh they gave me such a fright
And I will hold on with all of my might
Just promise me that we'll be alright
But the ghosts that we knew will flicker from view
And we'll live a long life
I want him to let me pick up his hope. I want his children to hear him roar. I want them to see him beat the SHIT out of this.
I saw him pop up on FB this morning, so at least I know he's not dead (today, right now).
I had a therapy appt yesterday. Therapist was very obviously pleased with my progress, as I am. BUT, I told her I was still feeling anxious. She asked why. I brought up the comment that the woman had made in the group, implying that I was "out" and had nothing else to worry about. First, she assured me that it's normal that she feels like that, b/c she's in the stage where she thinks if she gets out it'll be all sunshine and roses. I'm in the spot where I know that's not true.
She asked about the worst thing that could happen. I said "I could bury my husband." She didn't throw any of the crystal ball crap at me. She knew I was being honest, possibly a little dramatic, but I feel like the more she learns about my story, the more she realizes that I don't really exagerate. My truth (OUR truth) is ridiculously crazy.
I WILL bury him, whether it's as his wife or his ex-wife. He has no one else. And, it would be wrong for me NOT to do it.
You saw my pain, washed out in the rain
Broken glass, saw the blood run from my veins
But you saw no fault no cracks in my heart
And you knelt beside my hope torn apart
But the ghosts that we knew will flicker from view
And we'll live a long life
So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light
Cause oh they gave me such a fright
But I will hold as long as you like
Just promise me we'll be alright
So lead me back
Turn south from that place
And close my eyes to my recent disgrace
Cause you know my call
And we'll share my all
And our children come, they will hear me roar
So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light
Cause oh they gave me such a fright
But I will hold as long as you like
Just promise me that we'll be alright
But hold me still bury my heart on the cold
And hold me still bury my heart next to yours
So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light
Cause oh they gave me such a fright
And I will hold on with all of my might
Just promise me that we'll be alright
But the ghosts that we knew will flicker from view
And we'll live a long life
I want him to let me pick up his hope. I want his children to hear him roar. I want them to see him beat the SHIT out of this.
I saw him pop up on FB this morning, so at least I know he's not dead (today, right now).
I had a therapy appt yesterday. Therapist was very obviously pleased with my progress, as I am. BUT, I told her I was still feeling anxious. She asked why. I brought up the comment that the woman had made in the group, implying that I was "out" and had nothing else to worry about. First, she assured me that it's normal that she feels like that, b/c she's in the stage where she thinks if she gets out it'll be all sunshine and roses. I'm in the spot where I know that's not true.
She asked about the worst thing that could happen. I said "I could bury my husband." She didn't throw any of the crystal ball crap at me. She knew I was being honest, possibly a little dramatic, but I feel like the more she learns about my story, the more she realizes that I don't really exagerate. My truth (OUR truth) is ridiculously crazy.
I WILL bury him, whether it's as his wife or his ex-wife. He has no one else. And, it would be wrong for me NOT to do it.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
breathlyzer, take 1 and 2
Well, this is a story. I'm going to type what I know, so far, and leave the rest for later. Not hitting "publish" until this evening, when I can include the final chapter.
I got home last night about 5. I talked with D for a while. He seemed normal, sober, playing with kids, acting (and reacting) appropriately towards them, walking, talking, logical, rational. I would have taken him to church. I asked him to do the breathlyzer and he blew .08. LEGALLY DRUNK. We were both dumbfounded. Yes, even him. This was not an act. He said "I swear to you, I have NOT had a drink since about 11 pm." I believed him, not b/c I'm gullible or naive, but b/c I know his pattern. He drinks hard and heavy until 11 or 12, and then passes out until 7. We both realized, without expressing, that this was definately residual "left over" from the night before.
If you look up a chart of how someone acts as their BAC gets higher, you'll see that .08 is pretty drunk. He acted how I act when I am completely sober.
My disbelief was really HE IS ACTING FREAKING NORMAL. NOT DRUNK, BUT NORMAL.
His 'baseline' is legally drunk.
I knew no one would believe me. I did text H and tell her what happened. She responded this morning, letting me know that if he were .08 at 5 pm, at it's peak (if he was telling the truth about the time of his last drink), he would have been .3-.4. Possibly unconscious, possibly CNS depression.
She said "If he's drinking himself into .3-.4 every night, he will not live much longer. There is no kinder way to say it."
I have been in the office with him, with both medical docs and psychiatrists, to hear them say "if you really drink that much, I cannot believe you are still sitting here. You should be dead." Only me, and his close friends who have been witness to it know just how much he can handle.
So, he came over this morning. Because, well, I didn't know what else to do. Again, I firmly believe that he did NOT drink yesterday. He arrives today, breathylzer .07. I just look at him. Again, dumbfounded. Acting NORMAL. Again, he confirms that his last drink was around 11. "What in the HELL are you drinking, and how much?" "Vodka. A lot." "Doesn't this SCARE you that your BAC is this high, NINE hours after you stop." He just looked at me, got teary and then frustrated said "I know I have a problem." Damn right you do, dude.
Dear Lord.
So, I told him that starting next Tues, I would have alternate care for the kids. He can come over and "give it a try" to watch them, but if his BAC isn't .00, he has to leave, regardless of how he is acting and when he had his last drink.
I think this is an eye opener for both of us. We've (I've) always gauged his drunkeness by his behaviors. Now, we have a number to attach to it. I'm certain he's legally drunk more times than he's not.
So, I guess the big question will be what his BAC is when I get home.
--------------
BAC was .00 at about 5 pm. He told me he's drinking about 1/2 big bottle of vodka a night, which is over the course of about 5 hours.
I asked him if I can have a key to his apartment. He said yes, and then asked why. I said "in case I need to find you one day." He knew what I meant.
I got home last night about 5. I talked with D for a while. He seemed normal, sober, playing with kids, acting (and reacting) appropriately towards them, walking, talking, logical, rational. I would have taken him to church. I asked him to do the breathlyzer and he blew .08. LEGALLY DRUNK. We were both dumbfounded. Yes, even him. This was not an act. He said "I swear to you, I have NOT had a drink since about 11 pm." I believed him, not b/c I'm gullible or naive, but b/c I know his pattern. He drinks hard and heavy until 11 or 12, and then passes out until 7. We both realized, without expressing, that this was definately residual "left over" from the night before.
If you look up a chart of how someone acts as their BAC gets higher, you'll see that .08 is pretty drunk. He acted how I act when I am completely sober.
My disbelief was really HE IS ACTING FREAKING NORMAL. NOT DRUNK, BUT NORMAL.
His 'baseline' is legally drunk.
I knew no one would believe me. I did text H and tell her what happened. She responded this morning, letting me know that if he were .08 at 5 pm, at it's peak (if he was telling the truth about the time of his last drink), he would have been .3-.4. Possibly unconscious, possibly CNS depression.
She said "If he's drinking himself into .3-.4 every night, he will not live much longer. There is no kinder way to say it."
I have been in the office with him, with both medical docs and psychiatrists, to hear them say "if you really drink that much, I cannot believe you are still sitting here. You should be dead." Only me, and his close friends who have been witness to it know just how much he can handle.
So, he came over this morning. Because, well, I didn't know what else to do. Again, I firmly believe that he did NOT drink yesterday. He arrives today, breathylzer .07. I just look at him. Again, dumbfounded. Acting NORMAL. Again, he confirms that his last drink was around 11. "What in the HELL are you drinking, and how much?" "Vodka. A lot." "Doesn't this SCARE you that your BAC is this high, NINE hours after you stop." He just looked at me, got teary and then frustrated said "I know I have a problem." Damn right you do, dude.
Dear Lord.
So, I told him that starting next Tues, I would have alternate care for the kids. He can come over and "give it a try" to watch them, but if his BAC isn't .00, he has to leave, regardless of how he is acting and when he had his last drink.
I think this is an eye opener for both of us. We've (I've) always gauged his drunkeness by his behaviors. Now, we have a number to attach to it. I'm certain he's legally drunk more times than he's not.
So, I guess the big question will be what his BAC is when I get home.
--------------
BAC was .00 at about 5 pm. He told me he's drinking about 1/2 big bottle of vodka a night, which is over the course of about 5 hours.
I asked him if I can have a key to his apartment. He said yes, and then asked why. I said "in case I need to find you one day." He knew what I meant.
Monday, March 11, 2013
More about mediation
I arrived at the appointment on Saturday with very much a "we" mentality. We can do this, we can make this as easy as possible, etc. D and I had small talk on the way up the elevator. But, once he lied about drinking the day before, it was like a switch flipped for me. A wall went up, and my mama bear claws came out.
The room we were in was very much like what you see on TV, except smaller. Marble table, big cushy chairs. We were sitting across from each other and I remember looking at him and thinking who IS that man. He doesn't even LOOK like the person I married. He's gained 60 pounds since Sophie was born, contributed mostly to his stopping smoking and not working outside of the home. His weight has never been an issue for me, except for his own health repercussions. But on Saturday, he just looked swollen. His eyes were slits.
When J asked him about his last drink, D told him it was about 11 pm the night before. Once J and I were in private session, he mentioned that and said that he could SMELL the alcohol in his sweat, sort of implying that he felt like D was lying.
When it was Ds turn for a private session I went to the restroom and then waited outside the office until they were done. I heard D say "Stacey's been nothing but great. She's given me every opportunity to change."
Damn right. At least he acknowledged that, even if it wasn't to my face. Something that I've always been bitter about is his lack of acknowledgement about how his behaviors affect me. MANY years ago, when he was really into AA and working the steps, he'd gotten to the one about making amends. I remember thinking, wow, ok, so here it is, I might get an apology, at least a MENTION of what he has put me through. NADA. He talked about making amends with his best friend, and his brother and I think even his mom, but not me. NOT HIS WIFE THAT HAS STOOD BY HIM THROUGH EVERYTHING. That bitterness has been floating just below the surface for me, for many years. Maybe many years into the future he might actually realize how he's treated me. But, I'm not holding my breath.
I bought a breathalyzer today. Who knew you can only get them at B.est Buy, if you don't want to have to order. It's a little one, key chain size, decent reviews. I can't quite picture how this is going to play out. I may not ask him to use it today. My big concern (question) is tomorrow. From a psychology standpoint, I wouldn't ask him to use it every day. If it's going to act as a deterrent, it's better for him to NOT expect it every day, and sort of keeping him wondering when I'll pull it out. But honestly, if he's going to drink, he's going to drink. At least this way, I'll be able to put something on record that he failed a test/how many times he failed the test. Just added ammunition for the court to say YOU SUCK, you can't have your kids.
The room we were in was very much like what you see on TV, except smaller. Marble table, big cushy chairs. We were sitting across from each other and I remember looking at him and thinking who IS that man. He doesn't even LOOK like the person I married. He's gained 60 pounds since Sophie was born, contributed mostly to his stopping smoking and not working outside of the home. His weight has never been an issue for me, except for his own health repercussions. But on Saturday, he just looked swollen. His eyes were slits.
When J asked him about his last drink, D told him it was about 11 pm the night before. Once J and I were in private session, he mentioned that and said that he could SMELL the alcohol in his sweat, sort of implying that he felt like D was lying.
When it was Ds turn for a private session I went to the restroom and then waited outside the office until they were done. I heard D say "Stacey's been nothing but great. She's given me every opportunity to change."
Damn right. At least he acknowledged that, even if it wasn't to my face. Something that I've always been bitter about is his lack of acknowledgement about how his behaviors affect me. MANY years ago, when he was really into AA and working the steps, he'd gotten to the one about making amends. I remember thinking, wow, ok, so here it is, I might get an apology, at least a MENTION of what he has put me through. NADA. He talked about making amends with his best friend, and his brother and I think even his mom, but not me. NOT HIS WIFE THAT HAS STOOD BY HIM THROUGH EVERYTHING. That bitterness has been floating just below the surface for me, for many years. Maybe many years into the future he might actually realize how he's treated me. But, I'm not holding my breath.
I bought a breathalyzer today. Who knew you can only get them at B.est Buy, if you don't want to have to order. It's a little one, key chain size, decent reviews. I can't quite picture how this is going to play out. I may not ask him to use it today. My big concern (question) is tomorrow. From a psychology standpoint, I wouldn't ask him to use it every day. If it's going to act as a deterrent, it's better for him to NOT expect it every day, and sort of keeping him wondering when I'll pull it out. But honestly, if he's going to drink, he's going to drink. At least this way, I'll be able to put something on record that he failed a test/how many times he failed the test. Just added ammunition for the court to say YOU SUCK, you can't have your kids.
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Mediation take 1
Wow. Drained is an understatement, but my brain is racing too much to try to nap. This is going to be long, and probably disjointed, but here goes...
J (attorney) addressed the white elephant the 2nd we sat down. You're an alcoholic. How long have you been an alcoholic. What's your longest period of sobriety? What treatments have you tried? AA? Meds? It went on and on and on. D was crying within the first five minutes. J wasn't harsh, or uncompassionate, but was really nailing him hard with these questions.
It was pretty non emotional for me, except when D lied about drinking yesterday. He had already admitted to drinking while caring for the babies, but when he asked about the last time, D said "it's been several days." I yelled "you're lying." He said "prove it." I was PISSED.
It was clear from early on that I was going to get exactly what I wanted, there was no question in Js mind what needs to be done.
We talked in detail about our daily parenting plan.
We discussed Ss daycare, and how the babies will start going somewhere every Thurs and Fri, beginning this week. That my parents come on Wed., and that we have a sitter on Monday mornings. That leaves Monday afternoon and Tuesdays. J mentioned 2 ideas: SCRAM bracelet (which would alert me the 2nd alcohol gets in the bloodstream) but is also a few hundred dollars a month, or a breathylzer. That's what we're going with.
The temporary plan is the below. We will adhere to this plan until the end of mediation, at which time a final plan will be in place.
I can arrive home anytime he is alone with them and ask him to blow. If he refuses, it's an admission of guilt. If he blows and it's positive, he leaves immediately and loses his priveleges until the next Monday. I'm fine with that. On weekends, it's at my discretion whether I allow him to come over. I told J that D is welcome 24/7 as long as he's sober, and D confirmed that that's the case.
Additionally, he has to attend two AA meetings a week, and get hooked up with an agency for therapy services. The agency needs to be one that can move him to sliding scale once he's off my insurance.
That was really the bulk of it. He met with each of separately as well. He asked what my long term goal was for a final parenting plan. I told him honestly that I expect one of 3 things to happen in the next 12 months: 1) he dies, 2) he's in jail, or 3) he leaves town and I don't hear from him again (or for a long time). J was slightly dumbfounded at this, but it was obvious that he believed me. He said "I don't like any of those options. What happens if one of those 3 DOESN'T happen." I told him my perfect world scenario was to give D as much time with his kids as we wanted. That I want him engaged in their life, and going to softball games, etc. I reiterated AGAIN that I am in no way trying to keep them apart.
I was pleased with Js desire to create a plan that can continue (if D chooses) after the divorce, like getting into an agency where he can continue, and not have to jump through hoops to be seen.
He told D to apply fopr SSD asap, just b/c of the time factor. He also mentioned that if approved, the babies would get a check as well. .Who knew?!
Oh dear LORD how did I forget this. Within the first 10 minutes of the conversation he said "D, if I set up a lie detector test right now, and asked you the question 'what is more important, a glass of wine or being a father to your 3 kids, how would you respond.'" And then there was silence. His response (finally) was "being a father to my kids, but I know actions speak louder than words." Js response to that was "your hesitation before answering gave me your answer." I DID get a little teary then.
OK, I'm done for now. There's more, I knew there''s more, but thinking about that last paragraph completely drained me.
J (attorney) addressed the white elephant the 2nd we sat down. You're an alcoholic. How long have you been an alcoholic. What's your longest period of sobriety? What treatments have you tried? AA? Meds? It went on and on and on. D was crying within the first five minutes. J wasn't harsh, or uncompassionate, but was really nailing him hard with these questions.
It was pretty non emotional for me, except when D lied about drinking yesterday. He had already admitted to drinking while caring for the babies, but when he asked about the last time, D said "it's been several days." I yelled "you're lying." He said "prove it." I was PISSED.
It was clear from early on that I was going to get exactly what I wanted, there was no question in Js mind what needs to be done.
We talked in detail about our daily parenting plan.
We discussed Ss daycare, and how the babies will start going somewhere every Thurs and Fri, beginning this week. That my parents come on Wed., and that we have a sitter on Monday mornings. That leaves Monday afternoon and Tuesdays. J mentioned 2 ideas: SCRAM bracelet (which would alert me the 2nd alcohol gets in the bloodstream) but is also a few hundred dollars a month, or a breathylzer. That's what we're going with.
The temporary plan is the below. We will adhere to this plan until the end of mediation, at which time a final plan will be in place.
I can arrive home anytime he is alone with them and ask him to blow. If he refuses, it's an admission of guilt. If he blows and it's positive, he leaves immediately and loses his priveleges until the next Monday. I'm fine with that. On weekends, it's at my discretion whether I allow him to come over. I told J that D is welcome 24/7 as long as he's sober, and D confirmed that that's the case.
Additionally, he has to attend two AA meetings a week, and get hooked up with an agency for therapy services. The agency needs to be one that can move him to sliding scale once he's off my insurance.
That was really the bulk of it. He met with each of separately as well. He asked what my long term goal was for a final parenting plan. I told him honestly that I expect one of 3 things to happen in the next 12 months: 1) he dies, 2) he's in jail, or 3) he leaves town and I don't hear from him again (or for a long time). J was slightly dumbfounded at this, but it was obvious that he believed me. He said "I don't like any of those options. What happens if one of those 3 DOESN'T happen." I told him my perfect world scenario was to give D as much time with his kids as we wanted. That I want him engaged in their life, and going to softball games, etc. I reiterated AGAIN that I am in no way trying to keep them apart.
I was pleased with Js desire to create a plan that can continue (if D chooses) after the divorce, like getting into an agency where he can continue, and not have to jump through hoops to be seen.
He told D to apply fopr SSD asap, just b/c of the time factor. He also mentioned that if approved, the babies would get a check as well. .Who knew?!
Oh dear LORD how did I forget this. Within the first 10 minutes of the conversation he said "D, if I set up a lie detector test right now, and asked you the question 'what is more important, a glass of wine or being a father to your 3 kids, how would you respond.'" And then there was silence. His response (finally) was "being a father to my kids, but I know actions speak louder than words." Js response to that was "your hesitation before answering gave me your answer." I DID get a little teary then.
OK, I'm done for now. There's more, I knew there''s more, but thinking about that last paragraph completely drained me.
Friday, March 8, 2013
advice
I am certain that D drank today. As he was leaving, I told him he needed to think long and hard tonight about whether he wants to continue to spend time with his kids. He told me I couldn't tell him what to do. Hello 6th grade.
I got a little dramatic after he left, and started thinking about our first mediation appointment tomorrow. I don't know how the appt will unfold, have no idea what to expect. All I know is that I need to protect my children. That said, I also don't want to take them away from him, or him away from him, especially S.
I wondered how a a breathlyzer could possibly play into all this. I thought about making it a requirement when I come home each day, and the first time it's positive at ALL, that's it, he's done. That led to the thought of what exactly can I tell the attorney, without him having to hotline our case. I wasn't sure how attorney mandated reporting worked.
I called our friend S, who currently lives in Hawaii. He's such a good guy. And, I love that we met him after we were already together. He wasn't MY friend and I introduced him to D, or vice versa. He knows D almost as well as I do. I e-mailed a few days ago to tell him about the divorce. He didn't ask why. He didn't need to; that's how well he knows us.
I learned that for attorneys, mandated reporting is more about imminent threats/dangers. Giving him anectodal info should not be a problem. He also talking with me about legal vs physical custody. He thinks I need to ask for full legal AND full physical. However, as usual, I have to treat D with kid gloves. I can't go in agressive, or else he'll get defensive and nothing will be decided. He thinks I need to pose it as "this is the easiest, let me have complete custody and then you don't have to worry about it. " If I frame it that it's to his advantage, and that I'm taking on all the work, he may not argue at all. Of course, that doesn't solve the childcare issue, but I'm so glad to have had that convo with him. He really prepped me for tomorrow.
Re: childcare, I think I AM going to suggest a breathlyzer, just to see how he reacts.
S told me that it sounded like I had everything planned really well, and had really thought through everything. He thinks I sound like I have my shit together, and am very non-emotional about the entire process. We agreed that for me, the hard part is probably over, but that it hasn't even started for D.
Interestingly enough, he talked about the grieving process and that I've been grieving for years, and now it's just a matter of papers and signatures.
I cannot tell you how mad I was at him when I got home. RIght away, he asked if I'd keep Sierra tonight. Why? I'm going out with friends. Really, REALLY? We're starting the DIVORCE process tomorrow because of YOUR behaviors and you are going out the night before that and engaging in the very behaviors that are tearing our family apart.
Hi ho hi ho...
it's back to the old psychiatrist we go. D had his 2nd appt with his new psychiatrist this AM. I met him there, because well, it's what I do. It's part of the caretaking. I haven't gotten to the point where I can give that up. I did have questions for the dr that I knew D wouldn't ask.
Seven minutes and $40 later we were out of the office. He got 90 day scripts for our mail order pharmacy. I told the dr. that D wouldn't be on my insurance in less than 6 months, and I'm concerned about the cost of meds for him, when he is paying out of pocket. Luckily, all but one are generic and should be relatively inexpensive, but of course he didn't know and we have to talk with the pharmacy.
Ds emotions are so close to the surface. The dr asked very generic questions, how are you, are you drinking, how much?, and he started to tear up.
D told me when we left he wants to go back to his old dr, "she hasn't killed me yet." I agree with his decision. This new guy is not a good fit for his needs. Old dr knows his history. The one HUGE complaint about her was that she was prescribing him Am.bien and Klon.ipin, knowing that he drinks. A big no no, apparently. Now that that's been fixed, I see no reason why he shouldn't go back to her. He LIKES her. She'll work with him to get free meds, discount med cards, etc. She'll be a good support for his struggle through the world of social security disability application.
As we were talking in the parking lot, he assured me that he has 90 more days before he goes crazy (referencing the fact that he know has new scripts for meds). lovely. And after those 90 days? What then?
Seven minutes and $40 later we were out of the office. He got 90 day scripts for our mail order pharmacy. I told the dr. that D wouldn't be on my insurance in less than 6 months, and I'm concerned about the cost of meds for him, when he is paying out of pocket. Luckily, all but one are generic and should be relatively inexpensive, but of course he didn't know and we have to talk with the pharmacy.
Ds emotions are so close to the surface. The dr asked very generic questions, how are you, are you drinking, how much?, and he started to tear up.
D told me when we left he wants to go back to his old dr, "she hasn't killed me yet." I agree with his decision. This new guy is not a good fit for his needs. Old dr knows his history. The one HUGE complaint about her was that she was prescribing him Am.bien and Klon.ipin, knowing that he drinks. A big no no, apparently. Now that that's been fixed, I see no reason why he shouldn't go back to her. He LIKES her. She'll work with him to get free meds, discount med cards, etc. She'll be a good support for his struggle through the world of social security disability application.
As we were talking in the parking lot, he assured me that he has 90 more days before he goes crazy (referencing the fact that he know has new scripts for meds). lovely. And after those 90 days? What then?
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Vodka or wine?
When you are the partner of an alcoholic, you learn to be curious, distrustful, resentful of everything that they drink. You rarely believe that they are *just* drinking a soda, or lemonade, or water. Surely, it has to be mixed with something else.
Part of my obsessiveness with Ds drinking, is to take a sip to see what it is. Even if I KNOW it's wine, or rum, or whatever, in some odd way, it gives me some control back. You're not getting anything over on me. Minimally, I'll stick my nose over the cup to see if what I smell.
Tonight, after D left I noticed an empty sports drink bottle in the recycle bin. I looked at, and walked away. I walked back, and just couldn't fight it. I noticed there was a teeny bit left, so I turned it up to see what I could determine. Vodka. I think. Could it have been wine? He has been known to mix white wine with lemon flavored drinks b/c they look so similar. No, pretty sure it's vodka. And from there, I was off. Bound and determined to find the freaking VODKA bottle, that he'd been drinking while caring for our little people.
I looked in all the usual places. He's always been a "hider" but never a good one. He'll stick in a cabinet, or behind the shower curtain. Nothing too crazy. During periods of sobriety, I've asked him about it. If you're going to hide it, why don't you HIDE it. For him, it's not so much about me not finding it, but rather the routine of putting it somewhere. Addict mentality.
Oh, and, the first place I looked was the dumpster. Unfortunately, tomorrow is trash day, and he'd taken our dumpsters to the curb before he left. There I was, 5:30 pm, people coming home from work and I am looking through our dumpsters. I didn't find the the vodka bottle, but I did find 2 wine bottles. Interesting.
Back inside, I looked in usual places in the garage, in the kitchen. Damnit, I was GOING to find the vodka. I went downstairs and looked around a bit. Like his addict mind, once that thought was in my head, I could NOT let it go. I needed to get the control back.
I never did find the vodka, but I did find an almost empty box of wine, hidden on the floor behind some picture frames that were propped against the wall in our basement. When I find alcohol, I always struggle with what to do. I mean, I'd FOUND it, I felt in control again. But, do I leave it, dump it, or throw the bottle in his lap? I've done all three. This time, I decided to leave it. I wasn't sure how long it had been there. There were just a few glasses left. For D, he needs to drink a bottle to get back to feeling normal. A few glasses in, and you don't even know he's been drinking. He'll be here tomorrow afternoon. I'll check after he's gone and see if he drank it. More ammunition for me.
I got back upstairs, and kept staring at the empty sports drink bottle in the bin. Where in the HELL was the vodka. One last time, I tried to taste what was left. Wine? No. Definately vodka.
Trust me, I realize this post makes me sound as sick as him. I feel like I am.
Part of my obsessiveness with Ds drinking, is to take a sip to see what it is. Even if I KNOW it's wine, or rum, or whatever, in some odd way, it gives me some control back. You're not getting anything over on me. Minimally, I'll stick my nose over the cup to see if what I smell.
Tonight, after D left I noticed an empty sports drink bottle in the recycle bin. I looked at, and walked away. I walked back, and just couldn't fight it. I noticed there was a teeny bit left, so I turned it up to see what I could determine. Vodka. I think. Could it have been wine? He has been known to mix white wine with lemon flavored drinks b/c they look so similar. No, pretty sure it's vodka. And from there, I was off. Bound and determined to find the freaking VODKA bottle, that he'd been drinking while caring for our little people.
I looked in all the usual places. He's always been a "hider" but never a good one. He'll stick in a cabinet, or behind the shower curtain. Nothing too crazy. During periods of sobriety, I've asked him about it. If you're going to hide it, why don't you HIDE it. For him, it's not so much about me not finding it, but rather the routine of putting it somewhere. Addict mentality.
Oh, and, the first place I looked was the dumpster. Unfortunately, tomorrow is trash day, and he'd taken our dumpsters to the curb before he left. There I was, 5:30 pm, people coming home from work and I am looking through our dumpsters. I didn't find the the vodka bottle, but I did find 2 wine bottles. Interesting.
Back inside, I looked in usual places in the garage, in the kitchen. Damnit, I was GOING to find the vodka. I went downstairs and looked around a bit. Like his addict mind, once that thought was in my head, I could NOT let it go. I needed to get the control back.
I never did find the vodka, but I did find an almost empty box of wine, hidden on the floor behind some picture frames that were propped against the wall in our basement. When I find alcohol, I always struggle with what to do. I mean, I'd FOUND it, I felt in control again. But, do I leave it, dump it, or throw the bottle in his lap? I've done all three. This time, I decided to leave it. I wasn't sure how long it had been there. There were just a few glasses left. For D, he needs to drink a bottle to get back to feeling normal. A few glasses in, and you don't even know he's been drinking. He'll be here tomorrow afternoon. I'll check after he's gone and see if he drank it. More ammunition for me.
I got back upstairs, and kept staring at the empty sports drink bottle in the bin. Where in the HELL was the vodka. One last time, I tried to taste what was left. Wine? No. Definately vodka.
Trust me, I realize this post makes me sound as sick as him. I feel like I am.
He's not the only sick one!
I always focus so much on D being sick. But, so am I! Enabling/co-dependency may as well be a disease...
Yesterday morning, he got home about 8:30, clearly a nervous ball of anxiety to see my parents, but still recovering from the stomach bug. Finally, very kindly, I just told him to leave. I told him he looked like he was ready to stand in front of the firing squad, and maybe he'd feel more up to it next week, when his stomach is feeling better. He agreed (and I believe was extremely relieved).
I watched him walk out and down the sidewalk. I felt sorry for him, thinking "oh, he got up too early for no reason. Poor thing feels horrible. Why didn't I just tell him last night not to worry about it." Sorry for this person who is ruining our marriage!
I have the patience of a saint. I'm not bragging, I do. I got it from my dad. My mom and my sister are drama queens and my dad and I are the quiet ones in the corner, just waiting patiently. I have to have patience to have dealt with my sick husband for 14 years, not to mention the 4 years of infertilty that we struggled to get through. I RARELY loose patience with my children. They REALLY have to push and push and PUSH for me to loose it. I felt it coming on last night. The twins are still recuperating from the virus, plus they have a cold. They were both SCREAMING in their high chairs b/c they didn't want to eat. S pooped in her pull up. I tripped over the baby gate going into the kitchen. Babies throw their cups on the floor, snot running out of both of their noses. S is begging to play with the ipad and refusing to take her pants off so I can change her pull up.
Finally, it occured to me that it's D that should feel sorry for ME! Had I REALLY felt sorry for him that morning b/c he had to get out of BED so early? I know without a doubt that he was not thinking of ME at that moment I was in the kitchen, dealing with screams and snot and shit, feeling sorry for me. He wouldn't do that. An addict wouldn't do that. Not to say that he doesn't love me, and care about me, but he's not wired to worry about someone else. Addicts are too wrapped up in themselves.
Side note: I was talking to my mom yesterday and she validates my anxiety and worry that he clearly has been drinking when they've been visiting. She mentioned 2 occasions to me, not hinting at anything, only mentioning them because they were so odd.
1) a few weeks ago, D apparently told my mom (with my dad within ear shot) that D and his brother were going to get together and overthrow my dads power of attorney, and stick him in a nursing home. My dad is HEALTHY; there is no TALK of a nursing him anytime in the near future. She said this really weird, sort of scary laugh. It was obvious to me he was drunk, and a bit delusional. How BIZARRE is that? He's prone to paranoia, especially when drinking, but good GOD that is one of the most bizarre things I have heard from him. My mom is not an exagerator, I'm sure it happened just the way she said.
2) Right before Christmas my parents were visiting and D left for about 3 hours, supposedly to buy my Christmas present. When he came home, my mom asked what he got me. Not an odd question, right? He said "that's between me and my wife and I don't have to tell you." Um, weird?! Also, I KNOW he wasn't shopping because I know for a fact that he got my presents Thanksgiving night. Clearly, he was out for a joy ride and 3 hour drinking binge while my parents were there caring for our children.
Yesterday morning, he got home about 8:30, clearly a nervous ball of anxiety to see my parents, but still recovering from the stomach bug. Finally, very kindly, I just told him to leave. I told him he looked like he was ready to stand in front of the firing squad, and maybe he'd feel more up to it next week, when his stomach is feeling better. He agreed (and I believe was extremely relieved).
I watched him walk out and down the sidewalk. I felt sorry for him, thinking "oh, he got up too early for no reason. Poor thing feels horrible. Why didn't I just tell him last night not to worry about it." Sorry for this person who is ruining our marriage!
I have the patience of a saint. I'm not bragging, I do. I got it from my dad. My mom and my sister are drama queens and my dad and I are the quiet ones in the corner, just waiting patiently. I have to have patience to have dealt with my sick husband for 14 years, not to mention the 4 years of infertilty that we struggled to get through. I RARELY loose patience with my children. They REALLY have to push and push and PUSH for me to loose it. I felt it coming on last night. The twins are still recuperating from the virus, plus they have a cold. They were both SCREAMING in their high chairs b/c they didn't want to eat. S pooped in her pull up. I tripped over the baby gate going into the kitchen. Babies throw their cups on the floor, snot running out of both of their noses. S is begging to play with the ipad and refusing to take her pants off so I can change her pull up.
Finally, it occured to me that it's D that should feel sorry for ME! Had I REALLY felt sorry for him that morning b/c he had to get out of BED so early? I know without a doubt that he was not thinking of ME at that moment I was in the kitchen, dealing with screams and snot and shit, feeling sorry for me. He wouldn't do that. An addict wouldn't do that. Not to say that he doesn't love me, and care about me, but he's not wired to worry about someone else. Addicts are too wrapped up in themselves.
Side note: I was talking to my mom yesterday and she validates my anxiety and worry that he clearly has been drinking when they've been visiting. She mentioned 2 occasions to me, not hinting at anything, only mentioning them because they were so odd.
1) a few weeks ago, D apparently told my mom (with my dad within ear shot) that D and his brother were going to get together and overthrow my dads power of attorney, and stick him in a nursing home. My dad is HEALTHY; there is no TALK of a nursing him anytime in the near future. She said this really weird, sort of scary laugh. It was obvious to me he was drunk, and a bit delusional. How BIZARRE is that? He's prone to paranoia, especially when drinking, but good GOD that is one of the most bizarre things I have heard from him. My mom is not an exagerator, I'm sure it happened just the way she said.
2) Right before Christmas my parents were visiting and D left for about 3 hours, supposedly to buy my Christmas present. When he came home, my mom asked what he got me. Not an odd question, right? He said "that's between me and my wife and I don't have to tell you." Um, weird?! Also, I KNOW he wasn't shopping because I know for a fact that he got my presents Thanksgiving night. Clearly, he was out for a joy ride and 3 hour drinking binge while my parents were there caring for our children.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Therapy for ME
Turns out that the EAP therapist I'm seeing, also sees a handful of other women whose husbands are alcoholics. Sooooo, she got 4 of us together for a group session last night.
It was hard! As they filed into the waiting room, I refused to make eye contact with any. I just couldn't. Finally, she herded us into the room and we HAD to look at each other, lol. First, we had to tell "our" story. I should preface that by saying we told excerpts of our story, as we all agreed that telling the full story of being married to someone with addiction would have take the entire group time.
I was the "least" married, at almost 10 years. The others were at 12, 19, and 25 years. The woman married 25 years was obv the oldest, about 65 I would guess. The one married 19 years was probably 45ish and the other was very close to my age I think, late 30s/early 40s.
They all went first with their story telling. Each of of them ended the story with some version of "I don't know how much more I can take/I need to get out." When it was time for me to talk, when they learned that I *am* getting out, I could sense all ears perk up. The therapist asked me to talk about my experience so far with the legal world.
There were most definately commonalities/common themes between us. History of DUIs, lost jobs, money troubles, etc. I sort of felt like though, at times, the other 3 were putting me in a different category than themselves, because I am half a step ahead of them in the process. And trust me, I GET it, but I didn't like that feeling. One time, one woman looked at me and said "I'm happy for you. I am. But I'm just waiting for the next bad thing to happen." By the time I'd processed what she'd said, we'd already moved on, but I just wanted to respond "just because he's out of the house doesn't mean I'm NOT waiting for the next bad thing to happen!" Actually, I wanted to scream it. She pissed me off.
When the first woman (married 25 years) told her story, I just wanted to hug her, lol. At the end, she just said "I just want him out. And I don't know how to do it." Lord, I have been there many times. There ARE "outs," but' it's impossible to see them at the time.
My take away message hit me like a ton of bricks VERY early into the group, and I've been thinking about it since. As I listened to the others tell their stories, how long they'd been married, how long they've lived with their spouses, I thought...
Dear God, this could be me. If I don't get out, I could be sitting her in 2 or 9 or 15 years completely desperate to get out of the relationship, but still not have the guts to do it. My children could be teenagers, or close to it, and have grown up witnessing every sick and unhealthy thing their father does as he lays down and lets the addiction completely encompass him.
I refuse to let that happen.
It was hard! As they filed into the waiting room, I refused to make eye contact with any. I just couldn't. Finally, she herded us into the room and we HAD to look at each other, lol. First, we had to tell "our" story. I should preface that by saying we told excerpts of our story, as we all agreed that telling the full story of being married to someone with addiction would have take the entire group time.
I was the "least" married, at almost 10 years. The others were at 12, 19, and 25 years. The woman married 25 years was obv the oldest, about 65 I would guess. The one married 19 years was probably 45ish and the other was very close to my age I think, late 30s/early 40s.
They all went first with their story telling. Each of of them ended the story with some version of "I don't know how much more I can take/I need to get out." When it was time for me to talk, when they learned that I *am* getting out, I could sense all ears perk up. The therapist asked me to talk about my experience so far with the legal world.
There were most definately commonalities/common themes between us. History of DUIs, lost jobs, money troubles, etc. I sort of felt like though, at times, the other 3 were putting me in a different category than themselves, because I am half a step ahead of them in the process. And trust me, I GET it, but I didn't like that feeling. One time, one woman looked at me and said "I'm happy for you. I am. But I'm just waiting for the next bad thing to happen." By the time I'd processed what she'd said, we'd already moved on, but I just wanted to respond "just because he's out of the house doesn't mean I'm NOT waiting for the next bad thing to happen!" Actually, I wanted to scream it. She pissed me off.
When the first woman (married 25 years) told her story, I just wanted to hug her, lol. At the end, she just said "I just want him out. And I don't know how to do it." Lord, I have been there many times. There ARE "outs," but' it's impossible to see them at the time.
My take away message hit me like a ton of bricks VERY early into the group, and I've been thinking about it since. As I listened to the others tell their stories, how long they'd been married, how long they've lived with their spouses, I thought...
Dear God, this could be me. If I don't get out, I could be sitting her in 2 or 9 or 15 years completely desperate to get out of the relationship, but still not have the guts to do it. My children could be teenagers, or close to it, and have grown up witnessing every sick and unhealthy thing their father does as he lays down and lets the addiction completely encompass him.
I refuse to let that happen.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
It's just weird
Gah. I can't explain the normalness that is US, when D isn't drinking. It's like nothing has happened. He was at home with all 3 yesterday. Instead of rushing out the door when I got home, he stayed until about 7 (much appreciated!). We sat, we watched TV, we TALKED. It wasn't weird, it wasn't strained. We weren't ignoring the divorce, it came up. But we talked about it so very matter of factly. It felt SO normal that I almost told him I loved him as he left. I didn't.
I did ask him if he felt the slightest bit of relief that he is actually able to LEAVE our house and go to his own space. I know this has been a big issue for him in the past, feeling like he has no where to "escape." He responded by starting to cry:( He said "No. You'd think it'd be relief, but it's just lonely. It's lonely without the noise." It once again took all I had not to hold him and beg him to stay. But, again, I knew that it wouldn't work.
I'm not fighting him, I'm fighting the addiction. And I know I can't win.
But I still feel so SAD for him.
As for me, there is some relief when he leaves. Relief that I won't wake to food all over the kitchen floor, or to hear him rattling around in the fridge at midnight. HUGE relief that the alcoholic smell is gone. It's amazing how that smell can permeate a room, just by the person being IN the room.
The normalness returned this morning, when he came over. He mentioned that his rent is due today. Poor thing, he looked like a helpless little man. I take care of ALL finances, always have. It's never been an issue for us. He knows he sucks with money. He said "I'm not used to doing this." We talked about our checking account, and that he'll need to get a check book. Again, aside from the content, it was a NORMAL conversation. I guess I just expect divorce to be explosive fighing and constant nit-picking. Trust me, there's a fair amount of nit-picking that goes on, on both our parts, but not really any more than before we started discussing divorce.
My parents are staying with babies tomorrow while I'm at work. D had originally planned to not be there. He has not seen them since I told them what's going on. I know he feels akward. THEY feel akward. I reminded him last night that they were coming, and that he didn't need to be home, unless he wanted to be. As of now, he's planning on arriving before I go to work, and staying for a bit after they get to our house. He asked if they had reason to hate him. I assured him they didn't, and that they are prepared to offer him as much support with this as he is willing to accept.
My grandfather will also be visiting with my parents tomorrow. He loves his great grandbabies:) So of course, he knows now. Slowly but surely, it's getting out there. I'm lucky in that most of my family doesn't have that "stay married at any cost" mentality. My grandfathers main concern is Sophie, and of course me. But, I have no doubt that he'll treat D with the utmost courtesy.
I did ask him if he felt the slightest bit of relief that he is actually able to LEAVE our house and go to his own space. I know this has been a big issue for him in the past, feeling like he has no where to "escape." He responded by starting to cry:( He said "No. You'd think it'd be relief, but it's just lonely. It's lonely without the noise." It once again took all I had not to hold him and beg him to stay. But, again, I knew that it wouldn't work.
I'm not fighting him, I'm fighting the addiction. And I know I can't win.
But I still feel so SAD for him.
As for me, there is some relief when he leaves. Relief that I won't wake to food all over the kitchen floor, or to hear him rattling around in the fridge at midnight. HUGE relief that the alcoholic smell is gone. It's amazing how that smell can permeate a room, just by the person being IN the room.
The normalness returned this morning, when he came over. He mentioned that his rent is due today. Poor thing, he looked like a helpless little man. I take care of ALL finances, always have. It's never been an issue for us. He knows he sucks with money. He said "I'm not used to doing this." We talked about our checking account, and that he'll need to get a check book. Again, aside from the content, it was a NORMAL conversation. I guess I just expect divorce to be explosive fighing and constant nit-picking. Trust me, there's a fair amount of nit-picking that goes on, on both our parts, but not really any more than before we started discussing divorce.
My parents are staying with babies tomorrow while I'm at work. D had originally planned to not be there. He has not seen them since I told them what's going on. I know he feels akward. THEY feel akward. I reminded him last night that they were coming, and that he didn't need to be home, unless he wanted to be. As of now, he's planning on arriving before I go to work, and staying for a bit after they get to our house. He asked if they had reason to hate him. I assured him they didn't, and that they are prepared to offer him as much support with this as he is willing to accept.
My grandfather will also be visiting with my parents tomorrow. He loves his great grandbabies:) So of course, he knows now. Slowly but surely, it's getting out there. I'm lucky in that most of my family doesn't have that "stay married at any cost" mentality. My grandfathers main concern is Sophie, and of course me. But, I have no doubt that he'll treat D with the utmost courtesy.
Monday, March 4, 2013
skewed logic
It's not a secret that D and his brother M don't have a great relationship. D works for M, and M is 6 weeks behind in sending him a paycheck (hello, Mr passive aggresive #2). D called today to tell me he finally got paid, and pointed out that M didn't sign his check, another lawyer did. Whatever, who cares. D then goes on to say "he's the main reason I'm not friends with S anymore."
S was D's best friend for 20 years. He was the best man in our wedding. He has been NOTHING but supportive of D. S's wife L was our realtor, and became the seller of my MIL's house after she died. Some things went down last fall, to do with the house sale. M is the trustee of the estate and was realllllyyyyyy dragging his feet with some things. L approached D via e-mail, somewhat forcefully, trying to get things taken care of. Apparently D lost it, and told her off. S got involved and there was a bunch of "don't treat my wife that way she was just trying to help." Honestly, I blame L for some of it, she is aggressive, and approached D in a way that was going to get her no where. I'm not making excuses for him, he was an ass, but it could have been handled differently.
Anyway, I say all that to roll my eyes at his most recent comment "he's the main reason I'm not friends with S anymore." Yes D, your brother is the reason you no longer have your best friend.
He cannot take responsibility for ANYTHING. It's so frustrating to me, but sad at the same time. I guess it's a good way to get through life though, right? Never taking the blame for anything? Whatevs.
S was D's best friend for 20 years. He was the best man in our wedding. He has been NOTHING but supportive of D. S's wife L was our realtor, and became the seller of my MIL's house after she died. Some things went down last fall, to do with the house sale. M is the trustee of the estate and was realllllyyyyyy dragging his feet with some things. L approached D via e-mail, somewhat forcefully, trying to get things taken care of. Apparently D lost it, and told her off. S got involved and there was a bunch of "don't treat my wife that way she was just trying to help." Honestly, I blame L for some of it, she is aggressive, and approached D in a way that was going to get her no where. I'm not making excuses for him, he was an ass, but it could have been handled differently.
Anyway, I say all that to roll my eyes at his most recent comment "he's the main reason I'm not friends with S anymore." Yes D, your brother is the reason you no longer have your best friend.
He cannot take responsibility for ANYTHING. It's so frustrating to me, but sad at the same time. I guess it's a good way to get through life though, right? Never taking the blame for anything? Whatevs.
Gotta give him some props
This blog is very obviously a place to air my my feelings, vent, and share all the dirty details about my life living with an alcoholic. However, I have to give credit when credit is do.
Our house has.been.sick.since Friday morning. I woke up Friday morning to A having thrown up all over her crib. I cleaned her up, got her and C in the bath, and was getting ready to prepare their breakfast. D walks in (from his apartment) and says "why aren't they in their high chairs yet?" Um, ass-hat, b/c A puked and I had to clean her first. I said it more nicely than that, though. Anyhoo, I went to work, leaving D there with all 3. During the day on Friday, A puked again, C puked twice, and finally D threw up. He dealt with it all, although really, what choice did he have?
He then offered to spend the night Friday night. Well hell YES I took him up on that, but luckily all was well. He stayed all day on Saturday to deal with the fussy babies and then went home that night. Sunday morning, he was supposed to come over about 11:30. I called him at 10, because I felt like death. He was there shortly after, and stayed all day, while I spent about 5 hours in bed.
I understand these are things that a husband SHOULD do. I get that. But it was so nice, given the circumstances, that he did help so much. I honestly don't think I could have done it on my own.
NO, there is no doubt in my mind that I'm happy he's out of the house. But, I do still like spending time with a sober D.
First mediation appointment set for this Saturday morning.
Our house has.been.sick.since Friday morning. I woke up Friday morning to A having thrown up all over her crib. I cleaned her up, got her and C in the bath, and was getting ready to prepare their breakfast. D walks in (from his apartment) and says "why aren't they in their high chairs yet?" Um, ass-hat, b/c A puked and I had to clean her first. I said it more nicely than that, though. Anyhoo, I went to work, leaving D there with all 3. During the day on Friday, A puked again, C puked twice, and finally D threw up. He dealt with it all, although really, what choice did he have?
He then offered to spend the night Friday night. Well hell YES I took him up on that, but luckily all was well. He stayed all day on Saturday to deal with the fussy babies and then went home that night. Sunday morning, he was supposed to come over about 11:30. I called him at 10, because I felt like death. He was there shortly after, and stayed all day, while I spent about 5 hours in bed.
I understand these are things that a husband SHOULD do. I get that. But it was so nice, given the circumstances, that he did help so much. I honestly don't think I could have done it on my own.
NO, there is no doubt in my mind that I'm happy he's out of the house. But, I do still like spending time with a sober D.
First mediation appointment set for this Saturday morning.
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