I think it's safe to say that if you love someone with ANY addiction, and they are in a good place, you are ALWAYS waiting for the other shoe to drop. Because it will. At least for D. That's me right now. Part of me is very relaxed, because there is no chaos. But the other part of me is completely anxious, knowing that this "lull" is just that.
Yes, he's still drinking. BUT, this is day #3 that he's in a good place. He's even feeling so good that he visited with my parents today while they were at our house watching babies. This was the first meeting since I told my parents that he moved out. Both D and my mom said it was awkward, but OK. According to her he said something like "I still love her, I love my children, but this isn't a good situation anymore." That was her version of what he said. I sort of know what he was trying to say at least.
It's relaxing times like this that I fall into SO easily, and then am unfotrunately yanked out of much too quickly. NOW is the time to expect a call from the hospital, or jail, etc, because of course it's at the most unexpected time.
ALWAYS waiting for the other shoe to drop. And that's no way to live.
I hate that my feelings are still SO tied up with his. I got home last night, and he was "on." Cooking, cleaning, playing with babies. Things were good. He went to an AA meeting last night (yes, I'm fairly certain). He stayed home until 6:30 and the meeting started at 7. He told me he was afraid if he left home early he'd head to the store and never make it to the meeting. Progress! Anyhoo...I was buzzing around our house picking up, putting away, general cleaning, GREAT mood. All b/c he is doing well. If I'd gotten home and he'd been drinking, I would have kicked him out and sulked around the rest of the night, counting the minutes until my babies were in bed so that I could hide under my own covers. I hate that it's like that. I feel like I'm making progress, but last night it was so obvious that I was riding on HIS high.
You are making progress. I know this because I know you. I can tell by your posts and our private messages that you are gaining strength. Of course you are feeling good when he's doing well. As much as you don't want to be tied to his moods/actions - you guys are still parents to those beautiful tiny humans, so you care - you will always care. Caring is ok. What he does/how he's feeling has a direct effect on your life because you share children. That's just how it goes. What I think the key will be is that when he's on a downward spiral, finding a way to keep yourself level - stay focused on all the good in your life - not to let him drag you down. Push him away and keep him away until he's acting like a better version of himself. That "other shoe" will inevitably drop at some point and it's at that point where you can choose to let him drag you down OR pick yourself up and make the best out of this life for you and babies. I know it's not as simple as it sounds, but I KNOW that you have it within yourself to do so. Don't waste a moment of your time letting the worry suck happiness out of your life. You can't change what D is going to do or how he's going to act... but you can make a conscious decision to finally accept that what happens isn't your fault. You have gone above and beyond to help him. It's time for you and your babies to live as peacefully, happily and joyfully as possible.
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