checking in...

Wanted to give an update, since some are asking. Yes, there's been MORE drama with D, of COURSE there has, but honestly, I don't want to even think about him right now. Truth be told, aside from the Facebook stalking that I do to make sure he is still alive, I really put very little mental energy into him anymore. It doesn't feel good/bad/right/wrong, it just IS, and I have to go out of my way to think about him most times. He's not forefront in my brain like he used to be.

J continues to be nothing short of fabulous. There was something that came up last week, that is PURELY left over from D. J worked like a DOG last week, 10 and 12 hour days, each day, doing really physically demanding work. On Thursday, he sent a text at 4:30 that he was going to have a beer. My response was "Great! Enjoy!" And then I didn't hear from him for 3 hours. At the 2 hour mark I started getting antsy and anxious, looking out the window every 5 minutes. At the 2.5 hour mark I started getting pissed and the imagination started running wild. I would have thoughts of the where the hell is he? Did one beer turn into 6, or worse yet, shots?  God, the FEELING of that old anxiety was horrible, So horrible. Those thoughts were then met with thoughts of "you've got to be kidding. This is not D, this is J, who never even has a random beer while watching TV at night. This is the first time in 3 months that he's even had anything to drink without you present." And more importantly "Who are you to get upset about this. You're a girlfriend. Nothing more."

He sent a text during all this rumination asking if I needed anything, which he always does before heading over. I thought about sending back a snide response but thank GOD I didn't.  He walked in, gave me a hug, told me he'd had 3 beers in 3 hours, and that he was exhausted. And that was really that. After the kids went to bed, we talked like we always do and he told me about his day, and the situation that led to the beer (it was actually completely unplanned). I HATE that D still wiggles his way into my life in such ways but am so thankful that I was cognizant, and in the right frame of mind, that I was aware of all of this and didn't create a horrible argument about absolutely nothing.

And about his hard work week last week...he didn't complain about it one time. Not once. I'm so used to D bitching about every little thing related to whatever job he might have been doing. J woke up each morning, got dressed, headed out the door, worked hard, came back to my house and played with my kids, paid attention to me, and aside from simply telling me about his day, never once complained. I assume most men are like this, right? This is the way it's supposed to be. You have a job, you do it. That's it. This is new to me.

He met another of my BFF's last weekend. She LOVED him; thinks we're a great fit. Said "it's SOOO obvious that he is SOOOO SOOOO crazy about you." This is my go-to friend when I need to be told just the way it is. I asked her for some advice about broaching the subject of moving in. (Yes, I'm almost there.) My biggest fear since getting back into dating is rejection. I fear it with all my heart. I was rejected for so many years, whether blatantly or not, that I cannot bare the thought of it. Her response to me was "he's not going to say no. He'd trap you in that house and keep you forever if he could." Meant in a very sweet, not psycho killer way, of course;)

I have a good friend from high school that married her high school boyfriend and went on to have 4 kids. She's forever posting things on FB about their great marriage/family and you can TELL it's not an act. They are TRULY happily ever after, and I feel like I/we may be headed in that direction.

And I NEVER expected to be here. I went over 5 years without sleeping in bed with D, to one night a week I have to sleep by myself b/c J is home with O, and it is horrible. I sleep horribly. I've had chronic middle of the night insomnia for several years. Since meeting J, it's gone. I don't even have the luxury of waking in the middle of the night and looking over to see him sleeping, b/c I am SO comfortable and happy that I sleep all night, peacefully.

And we can just "be" together, and it's fine. With D for the last many years, we did not talk, and when we did, it was forced, and short. And it was tense (for me, at least), b/c I thought "this is my husband. At the very least we should be TALKING to each other." With J, quiet is ok, it's peaceful, it's comfortable.

When we're out, he touches me, whether it's holding my hand, or touching my hair. Last night, we were out to dinner, sitting on a patio bar. After we finished eating, he grabbed my chair and pulled it to his so we were as close as we could possibly be. I can STILL specifically remember a time when D and I were sitting at a bar and I went to put my hand on his leg, and he pushed it away. And, that was VERY early in our marriage.

Often, I catch J just staring at me. I ask "what?" and his response is "I'm just looking at you. Get used to it."

So, getting back to the whole moving in thing...I'm not talking next week, or next month, but I really don't want to wait too long. Maybe fall? Even still, this is something we have to talk about, to THINK about, aside from the obvious logistics of moving. We have kids to consider, and ex's (at least his) to consider and all the stuff that goes along with moving in together. It will take time to get it sorted out. BUT, I CANNOT bite the bullet and bring it up. My friend is right, he WON'T say no, but still. I assume he's waiting for me to do so, since it's my house. A little funny...he's had two drawers for awhile now, and last weekend, I cleared a third for him, since he's starting to accumulate quite the pile of clothes. I even hung some of his shirts in the closet. This morning, as I was getting ready I opened the close and looked down, and he had put two pairs of his shoes neatly in the closet. I don't know why. it just made me smile. I smile when I see his clothes in my washing machine. God, I'm such a sap, lol.

This is just a whole bunch of rambling, lol:) But it's good rambling, and NOT venting!!!
A few pics. J and the twins:)  I adore this.

 J helping S pick some of our veggies this weekend. He was more into it than she was. I love him:)

the latest drama

I really intended to post about this last week, but was so fired up I was afraid I'd say something I would regret. Not that it matters, but I don't want to stoop as low as I feel like stooping;)

On Tues night, D told me he was taking a trip. He's planning on going to Tampa. He dropped this bomb on me as he was leaving Tues night. I was livid. He was trying to downplay it for me, saying he was going to Tampa, as opposed to Sarasota (which was our "usual" beach spot). I made several snide comments about how it must be nice, and how I have to be "on" 24/7. He responded to saying "Orlanda. New Orleans." I said that Orlando (Disney World for God's sake) had been S's b-day present. New Orleans was over a year ago. We just went round and round, but honestly I was at a loss for words. He had the nerve to tell me it was a FUCKING Father's Day present to himself. WHAT THE HELL?! REALLY?

I've been feeling like something was "off" with him for several days. I wasn't sure he'd been drinking (supposedly had not since he'd fallen down ~3 weeks ago), but I couldn't put my finger on it. I thought maybe he'd stopped his meds. We had a plan for him to come over on Thur, Fri and Sat.

On Wed morning, I woke up to a picture of him on FB, when he was 18, the night he flew to the Persian Gulf. The kicker is his comment on the pic referred to the girl in the pic with him as his "former wife." Now, I will say that I knew he'd been married before. BUT, I will also say that he never told me. His brother did. The first time he made his little escape to Sarasota when we were just dating. BIL came in town, sat me down, and aired ALL the dirty laundry.

**Don't ask me why I never confronted him with this lack of honesty. I have no idea. NONE. I'll call it stupidity.**

He even lied the day we went to get our marriage license. When they asked if he'd been married before, he said NO. When my mom (who doesn't have a filter) asked if he'd been married before, he said NO. He mentioned a live-in girlfriend throughout the years. I put 2 and 2 and 2 together and know this was the wife.

Anyway, fast forward to Thurs night. I never let him know that I knew about her. So, I said something like "interesting to learn of your former wife on FB." He said "yeah, and...you knew about her." "No, you never told me about her." "Yes, I did, when we got our marriage license." "No, I'm quite sure I would have remember that." "well, whatever." "Um, don't you think it would have been nice to inform your SECOND wife about your FIRST?" Then, he got pissy.

I asked the last time he had a drink and he said late the night before. I asked if a breathalyzer would be negative and he said no, which means he lied about last drink, OR drank so much the night before that it was still in his system.

THEN, he started getting really hostile and paranoid. I had asked him a few days before to give me his new bank account numbers and approximate balances. The attorney converted our case to divorce needs the info. He suddenly starts talking about that, telling me how he has hired an attorney and I'm not getting one more penny of his money. I reminded him that the money I *did* get was for our kids, blah, blah. I finally told him he had to leave. Poor S was in the bathroom when he left, he didn't even wait for her, and she started sobbing when she realized he was gone. Not b/c he left, but because she didn't get to pet our dog.

I was just livid. Again. I sent J a text telling him that D was really hostile and I had asked him to leave. He called right away to say that he was done being nice. Let me preface this by saying J is not a macho guy. He doesn't have the need/desire to be the manly man, the fighter, whatever. He would likely always take the passive way out, when possible. He said "I'm doing giving him his space." J had been at my house when I texted to say that D was on his way. "I left so he would feel comfortable. But, if he's being hostile, I'm done being nice. I love you and those kids and will do what I have to do to keep you safe." I should say that I have not feared for my safety around D in a long, LONG time. For me, it was always more emotional. I think J has a slightly different take on it.  He has literally planned what he would do if for some reason D ever barged into the house, drunk.

Fri and Sat passed with no word from D. While I was slightly on edge, wondering if he would pop up at some point, things are so much simpler when he's out of the picture.

He's doing some hard-core attention seeking on FB. He made a post either Fri or Sat night that was simply a ":(". Within the post, he said "I need some loving, and I'm not talking about sex." The same night as he posted the pic with his first wife, he commented on some girls picture "you need some DM loving. Want to come to Tampa with me?" I confronted him about that one, also. I told him if he was going to come on to girls, he might want to do it privately, and not on a public picture for everyone to see. I'm not even FB friends with this girl and *I* saw it, so God only knows who else did. It's almost embarrassing for me.

I just wish he'd go away. It would be SO much easier. Thank God, thank GOD for J. I totally hit the jackpot with him.

the ex

First, let me start by saying that D e-mailed me two days after his outburst to apologize, stating that he was having trouble dealing with the fact that I have a boyfriend. He understands it's not his business and there's nothing he can do about it, so he'll do his best to keep his mouth shut. An apology from him is almost unheard of, and in talking about it by phone, I could tell he was sincere. I told him that he needs to consider meeting J, and that he's not going anywhere. He told me he'd think about it

There was a tentative plan for them to meet last Monday. I admit, I pushed a bit, and then freaked the F out about the meeting. Ultimately, it didn't happen, but at least D was open to it. Soon, I guess. I just want it over with so we can tackle that hurdle. 

So....I've been meaning to write about J's ex-wife.  Turns out, I know her.  He told me about her the first night we talked. She has a somewhat unique name for her age, so when he said it, my ears perked up b/c I know someone with the same name. He went on to tell me where she worked, and then I put 2 and 2 together. She works for one of the 15 agencies in the research project that I manage. Basically, she received weekly e-mails from me for 3 years, and saw me in person 2-3 times a year when I would meet with her and her team. Hello, small world. 

He has started a slow introduction of me. The two of them were at O's teachers meeting a few weeks ago and J mentioned that he's recently started to see O get to play with other kids on play dates. As they were leaving, she asked about the playdates. He mentioned that a friend of his that she knows, and her daughter have had playdates, and that another friend (Stacey) and her 3 kids have also joined.

I asked several weeks ago if he needed to tell her my last name. When she hears that, she'll know who I am, there is no doubt. He, in typical J fashion, said he didn't feel it was right to NOT tell her the last name of the female that would be spending a lot of time with her son. 

Fast forward to this past weekend:

He and O went to a kid bday party with me and the kids this weekend. He of course told her where he went, and went on to name the girl friend he mentioned above, along with me, first and last name, as people that he knew that were there. He walked into my house after dropping O off with her, and said "She TOTALLY knows who you are." After he said my name, she repeated it, and then said, she has 4 year old twins. She works at WU." She went on to state a few other completely random facts about me. He corrected her on the ages of the twins, and told her that I did have a 4 year old, but that the twins were younger. He didn't say we were together, but simply that we'd all met up at this birthday party.

Ahhh, it's odd to "know" each other, lol. I'm not sure why he's not being more direct with her in regards to me. It's his business, and it doesn't bother me either way, so I haven't asked him about it. It does seem that he doesn't want her to know that we met online, which is the reason for the story line of meeting me through his other friend.

Anyhoo...the b-day party was fun. We all went in the same car for the first time, which was odd and fun all at the same time. J and I looked back once and O had given S his baseball cap to wear. He's just so stinking PATIENT, it's amazing. There was a bounce house at the party and he was totally on the ball helping to keep our 4 kids wrangled and safe. On the way home, they were all just wired and I joked that I wondered how people actually took road trips with that many kids. It was TOTALLY hypothetical, but he said "oh, we could do it!"

I'm not sure where it comes from, but I need fairly frequent reassurance that all is fine in this relationship. I was off work on Friday, and had absolutely NO reason to think anything was wrong, odd, etc, but I was feeling a bit apprehensive. I get a text from him out of nowhere saying "never thought about it happening and it's kind of strange to tell somebody bit I think I love your kids too." I started crying (duh).  He went on to say "I've found myself wanting to tell them I love you when giving them hugs or leaving...it's just coming naturally."  I was speechless. He is amazing.

Then, last night I asked if everything was "good." I knew it was, I just needed to hear it. We had been together (with kids) from 2 on Sat, and then all day/night on Sun. I worry that he'll think our "real life" is boring, or that he feels obligated to hang out.  I usually think questions like that, and never ask them and then I ruminate about them so I'm trying really hard to be more vocal. So he said something like, "what do you mean, good? things are great. Where is this coming from? I love you. I love being with you, regardless of what we're doing...You make me want to be more." That last line totally got me, lol. He went on to say that he loves doing things for me, speaking of helping me clean (can you imagine!), or take care of things I need, like cutting grass. Of course, I confirmed what he meant by that and he assured me that it was simply to do something for me, not some random good deed because he felt sorry for me. So, I went to bed as a happy girl:)