QOTD

My grandma died early this morning.  Her death was imminent, and she had rapidly progressing Alzheimer's, so it really is a blessing. Her level of lucidity really varied from one hour to the next. I'm not yet ready to start working through this emotionally. I'm still caught up in the logistics of it all.

How in the heck will I take 3 toddlers to a funeral. DO I take them? My parents never really thought twice about taking me to funeral homes. Coming from an older family, I've dealt with it many times. I've always thought that my parents forced it on me a bit, never really giving me the option to NOT go, at least while I was living at home.

Now, I think about S. When my other grandmother died last summer I felt strongly that she was too small to view a body. My family is very in to open caskets:-/ We took her to the funeral/wake, but kept her away from the front. She didn't know what was going on. During the actual funeral, D kept her in the back and left with her when it was time to view her body for the last time.  D was also irrationally worried that she would see her, and think of his mother. The two looked nothing alike, so not sure where that came from.

S is almost 4. She's very intuitive. She will see/sense the sadness. (My mother is a wreck). I will take her, explaining that Grandma R's body just got tired and she died. I read today that toddlers don't have the same negative idea about death as adults do. makes sense. I will take that twins, against my better judgement, b/c I also firmly believe that a toddler's presence and smile will make the entire situation a bit easier, especially for my mom.

The Question of the Day: Do I tell D? He has made no attempt at contacting me since he left last Saturday. In a moment of weakness earlier today I did call his cell. He didn't answer, and I didn't leave a message. She was his family for 14 years. They liked each other; got along well. He won't be heartbroken by any means, but I feel like he should know. That leads to: do I want him to come to the funeral? And if so, why? And if so, what will we tell relatives about our situation? If he doesn't come, what will I tell certain nosey relatives. I feel most like I can handle 3 better than I can handle 4. If he were to come, I'd worry about his sobriety. And if sober, I'd worry about withdrawal.

ugh, this is bad, bad, bad...all around.

the other shoe...that wasn't long

If my math is right, D had 5.5 days of sobriety. He left my house on Tues night, letting me know he wouldn't be there on Wed. He had a dentist appointment. I guess the added stress of seeing his kids on the same day as the dentist was too much. Whatever, it didn't matter.

Wed came and went. Thursday is usually a day that he comes over. Thursday came and went with no contact from him. Same with Friday. I can "watch" him on FB a bit, and could tell from things he posted/times he posted them, he was drunk. I had written him off for Saturday. I woke up early, took the babies to the park and then we went home and were playing on the patio. He came waltzing out on to the patio at 11. It was my fault. I should have locked the front door. I asked what he was doing there. He said "to see my kids." I told him it was nice that he had the option to come and go as he pleased. He was not sober.

Because he was not obviously drunk, I let him stay. I didn't know what to do! I wasn't allowing him to stay for him, but S yelled out a big DADDY when she saw him. Both babies ran over to him. I let him stay until 1, when the babies went down for their nap. Then, I asked him to take a breathlyzer. He refused.  I told him he needed to go, and that he was not allowed to show up unannounced. He just sat there, contemplating. S screamed "I don't WANT daddy to go." She started crying as he put his shoes on. Just yelling/crying daddy, daddy, daddy. 

He didn't seem to hear her.

I told her that what he is doing is not fair to his kids. His response? "Life's not fair."

Bastard.

He left, and I was left to comfort an inconsolable child. I just kept reminding her that I would take care of her. Over and over. And over and over she kept crying daddy, daddy, daddy. She finally cried herself to sleep.

Later that night, she asked why daddy left. Ugh. I can only say "he's sick" or "he has things to do" so many times. So, I told her that mommy has rules, and that daddy is not following them right now. Because he's not, mommy told him to leave. She seemed ok with that explanation. I didn't know what in the hell else to say. I'm at a loss.

Anyway, that was Saturday. I haven't heard from him since, and it's Tues afternoon. I know he's alive, but that's about it.

How pathetic is it that if I see he's been on FB my first thought is "well, I guess he's still alive." Also, if I happen to have time to watch the news in the morning, I always catch my breath if I see a story about an overnight accident, situation, etc, until I'm certain it's not him.

the calm after the binge

Last week was full of emotional chaos. D was binging. Of course, now that he has moved out, I have no actual proof. But I knew, and he later confirmed. He failed to visit the babies last Wed and Thursday. He missed a dr appt. He ran out of meds.

I feel such RELIEF that I don't have to be so close to that behavior anymore, but it still affects me. I found myself eating out of control, b/c I knew HE was out of control.

I guess he came to his senses late Friday night/early Sat morning. He called me and asked if he could visit. I reminded him that S and C were with my parents, so it was just A and myself. He said that was ok and came over for a few hours. Looked like death. Sounded like death. I just didn't have it in me to be sorry for him. To even worry about him. I just didn't care. He's just honestly "someone I know." And that's so sad.

He came back on Sunday, where he admitted that while binging, although he'd been taking some of his meds incorrectly. "I took less than prescribed of my depression and anxiety meds, but none of the important ones." I reminded him that they were all important and that maybe increased anxiety and depression may have exacerbated the binge. I'm just so emotionally removed from the situation. It's a wonderful feeling, but still sad. He came over last night and as he was leaving told me that he was "day 5 cold turkey." I told him that was great and asked how he was feeling. He said that "drink-wise I'm good. No cravings. But, my head is just a chaotic mess." I reminded him that that's most likely why he drinks in the first place.

I feel sad that he can't fight those demons. That he's not strong enough to beat the negativity in his head.

He's been engaged, been a GREAT dad. Reading and playing, and clearly enjoying his time with them as much as they do with him. I looked in our family room last night and they were all on his lap, listening to him read a book. So bittersweet.

Unfortunately, despite his best efforts, this period of sobriety will not last. I hate to be negative Nelly, and I know that everyone has to start somewhere, but I'm no longer able to feel encouraged by his positive behavior. For me, I will always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. Because it will.

And something that's really been pissing me off is his view that providing financially for our kids is his responsibility as well as mine. In an ideal world, it would be up to both of us. But it's not ideal. Yes, I'm getting half of his families money. But my half will be used to pay for daycare and doctor bills and diapers and clothes. Not his. He will use his money to pass his mortgage, and drink. He made a comment on Saturday how our daycare SHOULD provide breakfast/lunch "as much as we're paying." We? Um, no. It is my name alone on that check I write each month. And then, on FB last week, he made a comment about having to pay for 2 weddings and 3 college educations. Why do I feel like it will be ME stuck with footing the bill for all of that. He just continues to be in denial. Even said something to A the other day about us taking her to the beach. No, no. no. We are DONE.

Sad for him

I needed to call D a few minutes ago. His phone rang several times, and I tried to picture where it was in the condo. It has to be so lonely there. So quiet. I guess that's the way he wants it. Or maybe not? Maybe I've forced him into lonliness, quietness? I'm crying. Where in the HELL is this coming from. As I waited for him to answer I just tried to envision what it's like for him to be there by himself so much. Nothing but a TV and computer and phone that rarely rings. It has to be lonely. He's the type that craves social interaction, but yet feels SO much anxiety when faced with interaction. He loves to cook, but doesn't cook anymore. Says it's impossible to cook for one. He's not trying to make me feel sorry for him. Or maybe he is, but I don't think so. The rational part of me says he has done this to himself. Shut him self off from everyone that has ever cared for him. His mom is dead; his dad estranged. He has no one. Gah. This is when I just want to hug him, and hold him and make him feel better. But I can't make him feel better. I gave him every opportuntiy for my love, and every time he chose a bottle instead. And DAMN the questions that are coming from S lately. Will daddy live at his condo forever? When will you put your rings back on? I answer her as honestly as I can. But she keeps asking the same questions over and over. Which tells me she's not processing what I'm saying. I hate this for her.