Monday, August 5, 2013
Sad for him
I needed to call D a few minutes ago. His phone rang several times, and I tried to picture where it was in the condo. It has to be so lonely there. So quiet. I guess that's the way he wants it. Or maybe not? Maybe I've forced him into lonliness, quietness? I'm crying. Where in the HELL is this coming from. As I waited for him to answer I just tried to envision what it's like for him to be there by himself so much. Nothing but a TV and computer and phone that rarely rings. It has to be lonely. He's the type that craves social interaction, but yet feels SO much anxiety when faced with interaction. He loves to cook, but doesn't cook anymore. Says it's impossible to cook for one. He's not trying to make me feel sorry for him. Or maybe he is, but I don't think so. The rational part of me says he has done this to himself. Shut him self off from everyone that has ever cared for him. His mom is dead; his dad estranged. He has no one. Gah. This is when I just want to hug him, and hold him and make him feel better. But I can't make him feel better. I gave him every opportuntiy for my love, and every time he chose a bottle instead.
And DAMN the questions that are coming from S lately. Will daddy live at his condo forever? When will you put your rings back on? I answer her as honestly as I can. But she keeps asking the same questions over and over. Which tells me she's not processing what I'm saying. I hate this for her.
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I know you are hurting. You are hurting because you have such a big heart. Just because you have grown to dislike D's actions and the fact that he has chosen a path that doesn't include his family doesn't mean that your heart stops caring. No matter what, you will always care. There's no doubt whatsoever that all of this is very sad - what you have and are going through, what the kids are going through and even what D is going through. However, there is one HUGE difference. D has brought this upon himself. You gave him so many chances to change. He CHOSE not to. He brought any loneliness that he may be feeling upon himself. You have said it yourself and I know you understand it... it's just not so easy to shut your heart (emotions) off. Even after he moved out, you have given him so many opportunities to step up, to be a part of his children's lives, to make happy memories and instead, so many times those days have turned out poorly because he has chosen to drink. If he wanted things to be different, he'd work hard to make them so. He'd get sober, he'd get a job, he'd do things to make his children his top priority and make them proud of him. You yourself said that you cannot make things better for him. That is so very true. You've certainly given it your all. It's now up to him. He needs to want things to change. He has to want to be a good father. He doesn't and this is NOT your fault.
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