It's done. Not final, but it sure felt final. I was on a mission as a walked in, but of course there was something else wrong with the paperwork. Apparently, in MO, there is no official "separation" paperwork, so the mediator had used dissolution of marriage paperwork. The clerk made me scratch out every instance of dissolution and write "legal separation" next to it. Nothing like rubbing my nose in anything.
Finally got the window, everything was in order and she starting running everything through a machine to stamp it. The sound of that damn machine kept getting louder and louder, and with it, I could here my marriage disintegrating. It was horrible. I got teary eyed, but never actually cried. On the way out, I started cursing D again. That seemed to help a bit, but just made me so angry.
I came back to work and was doing fine and then a stupid song came on my internet radio and I lost it. I actually walked over to my shelves where one of our wedding day pictures has been lying face down for months. I picked it up, looked at it, STARED at it, and just started bawling. Even looking at the date stamp on the picture got to me. FUCKER. I kept saying to myself, how am I to this point. Did I have ANY idea 10 years ago that I would be HERE. WHY couldn't he love me, love US, more than the alcohol. Why couldn't he grow up and outgrow it, like just about every other person I know? WHY? It's just not right. It's wrong. I just put my head down and sobbed. And then, when I was finally ready to look up, I looked straight at the pictures of my children. And I smiled. Because they make me smile, make me happy, something D has not been able to do in a very long time. I realized that THEY are why I'm here right now. They are the only thing that's keeping me going right now.
You are one of the strongest women I've ever known. Yes this is all so very hard. Yes you deserve to be upset and angry all at the same time. Yes you've been put through the ringer. However, you said it best yourself. You look at your babies and they make you happy. They are why you are here right now. They are keeping you going. Your marriage may be over, but because of that marriage you have S, C & A - always and forever, and I know that has to count for something! Those little people were meant to be here. And they are. And so are you. And together you are all going to be just fine.
ReplyDeleteGo home tonight and give your little ones a big hug. They are three of the sweetest kids ever.
ReplyDeleteYou will get through this. You are amazingly strong! Sending a big hug your way.
I'm glad you were able to finish this step and I know it hurts no matter what the reasons, even when they are the right ones. You're lucky to have those 3 miracles to remind you why it's worth moving forward and being happy. Hugs!
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