Christmas take 1

As promised, this weekend was full of cookies (baking and eating!!) and Christmas music, and general fun (I hope...I tried)!!

D did not come over on Saturday. Finally, Sat night I messaged him asking what his plan was for Sunday, since his brother and family were due in town. He responded that he'd be there by 11 and that he had asked his brother a few times about what to have for dinner and his brother never answered blah blah. I responded with 1) stopping blaming others and worry more about being a good father instead of what we'd have for dinner. 2) that his brother wasn't planning on coming until about 4:30 so no need to come early unless if he didn't want to.

He didn't show up until about 2. Once 11 am hit, I started getting anxious and ruminating about why he wasn't there. Was it b/c I pissed him off about the "good father" comment, or b/c he really didn't want to be there and b/c I had given him the out, he was putting it off, was he being passive-aggressive, etc.

He was as sober as D could be. I noticed as we got close to 4:00 he was not looking so great.  I did feel for him. He was trying, he had tried by not being drunk when he arrived. He started showing some signs of withdrawal, the shaking, the sweating, some gagging. I asked him if he was ok. He said "I could use some wine." It wasn't said in the addict way, it was said like "I could use some Tylenol" if I had a headache. I quickly weighed my options and chose to pour him a glass.  I wasn't worried about him getting drunk, I was worried more about a seizure or something like that. I handed him the glass and he could not grasp it from me. He asked me to put it on the counter. He had to hold it the way my toddlers hold a sippy cup, firmly with two hands.  My heart  broke a little bit and I had to fight the tears.  It's just not fair.  This illness is nasty, and it's eating him alive, and I am witness to it.

Brother in law and family came and things were good. Honestly, this was the MOST comfortable I've ever been with them. They live out of town and we only see them a few times a year. But here I was, in MY house, not having to feel anxious for D, not having to feel responsible for his actions, and I actually enjoyed myself.

He did as well as he could. At dinner, I noticed several times that he could not keep the food on his fork, which leads me to believe there's definitely some anxiety related stuff going on, as he had enough alcohol in his system to at least stabilize.

Prior to everyone arriving, I confronted him about why he hadn't been over in a week. He said that he couldn't leave the condo. He said his depression was worsening, and I mentioned that clearly the anxiety was also worsening, if he couldn't leave his house. I suggested he call his doc to get an increase in his meds to get through the winter (historically his worst time of year). He said he had thought about, but left it at that.

Like my heart broke for D, my heart also broke for S earlier that day when she asked if daddy would be over for Christmas (meaning last night). She was clearly troubled with the thought of not seeing him. I'm so glad he showed up, for her.

the weekend before Christmas

All of the shopping is done, most of the wrapping is done. Now, I bake and clean my house, and enjoy my kids.
There was more about the comment I made yesterday (regarding being happy and in good spirits this holiday season) than I had time to write about. D is not, and has never been, a family guy, or a holiday guy, or a guy that prefers anything that is outside of the norm. S has unfortunately inherited a bit of this last piece, but I'll do what I can to help with that. Holidays in our home, wherever that might have been, was always minimal. This was strange to me, coming from a family that OVER celebrates Christmas. Sure, I always required putting up a tree, and a few decorations, but that's really where it ended. Very minimal, and he never helped with the decorating, he just honestly had no interest. D doesn't like Christmas music, so I didn't play it. He doesn't eat sweets (so I (mostly) didn't bake.) I remember last year I did make some cookies and he asked why. Duh, dummy, it's Christmas, you BAKE at Christmas. You give as gifts, or just enjoy, but you BAKE. My mom was notorious for baking dozens of cookies each Christmas, and my dad and I gladly ate them:) S was old enough to enjoy cookies last year, so I made them.

So this weekend, I'm going to CRANK up the Christmas music, BAKE the crap out of some cookies, and enjoy my kids. And I am so excited to get to do it. S is SO excited for Christmas, although the twins don't "get" it yet. Last year I was excited for S to experience Christmas, this year I am excited to experience it, for the first time in a long time, how I was raised. I should preface this by saying that D NEVER said "we can't do this or that," but I always put his feelings/needs above my own.

And gosh, this time last year, wow. What a place I was in. It was probably almost exactly a year to the day that D agreed to go to treatment the day after Christmas. I remember feeling a sense of relief, but knew in my heart it would be short lived.

Interestingly enough, after I told my parents about him moving out, my mom mentioned to me that she and my sister noted that I did not act happy last Christmas. I was short, and clearly not happy, and sometimes even mean in things I said to D.

I'm curious what Sunday night will bring. D's brother and family are coming in town to have our Christmas dinner.  I've really stood my ground in regards to that situation. For decades, it's been their families tradition to have a very classic, elegant sit down dinner, with multiple forks and glasses, etc. After their grandmother died, D's mom picked up the tradition. After she died, it was on us. This past weekend, M asked me if D was going to cook dinner. I just looked at him, thinking this is MY house. He's out of there finally, and I've worked hard to make it known that it's not his anymore. Why in the hell would I want him back in HIS kitchen, bitching about where I've put things, how late people are, and being an all around ass. So, I laid down the law and said that D was not cooking (and I don't cook). The verdict: we're ordering out:) I hated to be the one to break their tradition, but we'll have a nice dinner regardless and I guess traditions are made to be broken. I'm still incorporating a lot of their traditions, but there will not be a coursed meal (prepared by D).

I haven't talked to D since he left on Sunday. I'm not sure if this is the beginning of the end of him being a father, or if he is just generally binging and it's a coincidence. I assume he'll show on Sunday night, but God only knows what state he will be in.

I'm so lucky

I got the most random call from D's (ex) best friend today at work. His number didn't come up on the caller ID and I almost didn't answer. I was shocked to hear S on the other end. I haven't talked to him in over a year.  After the crap D pulled with S and his wife last year, I was embarrassed, and had no real reason to reach out to either of them on my own (in the absence of D). Plus, I was just done making excuses for D, and felt that's what was needed for me to reach out.

S made small talk at first, telling me he's taking his kids to Disney this Spring. Clearly, that wasn't the only reason he'd called. He finally asked about D, and our status. I told him we were legally separated and that D had been out of the house since mid-Feb. He wasn't shocked.

I told S ALOT more than I've told anyone else (excluding this blog). They'd been best friends since 8th grade. S bailed D out of ALOT of crap. Not as much as me, but close. Like me, S would have done anything for D, but D burned that bridge last fall.

Apparently D RSVPd to something that S is also going to this Sunday morning. I know without a fact that D won't show up, but S was nervous and anxious about possibly seeing him, not knowing what to  say.

We ended the convo with him saying that I have the endless support of both he and his wife.  Although it makes me feel good, I once again have that feeling that I've "tainted" D with another one of his friends. Reality is, he's done it himself. I know this, but it's still a crappy feeling.

But really, how lucky am I to have this wonderful support system. It amazes and humbles me, and I don't feel worthy of the amount of people that are cheering for me.

Later this afternoon, my boss came in to bring a holiday gift. She asked me how my 2013 has been (slightly tongue in cheek, as she knows most of my business). i told her that overall, it's been really great, and seems to be ending on a very positive note. Little did I EVER expect to be saying that 10 months ago. At that time, it seemed completely impossible and unmanageable.

She told me that I was strong and capable of accomplishing anything.

This has been such a wonderful holiday season in my house. The kids are playing, being messy, they're happy, we're listening to Christmas music as loudly as we want, lol. It's the most comfortable I think I've ever felt in this house. It's my house, they are my kids, and I am kicking the shit out of this single mom gig. Of course, tomorrow I'm sure I'll feel like I'm sinking again;)

back from Disney!!

S and I are back from our trip, but unfortunately that's not where my mind is today.

We did have a fabulous time. And there were times when I actually cried; realizing that 5 years ago, I wasn't even sure I'd be able to experience taking my child to this place. But as we walked in the gate, me pushing her stroller, I cried. Tears of happiness. Tears of thankfulness and gratefulness that I was getting to experience this with her, with ANY child.

She didn't mention D the entire time. It wasn't until we were flying home and she colored a picture for him, that she even said "daddy." I think that speaks volumes, and makes me so sad.

He flaked out before our trip, and after the incident on Friday night, did not come over on Sat or Sun. I'm certain he was binging.

On our flight down, S and I sat directly behind the general manager for our baseball team. I knew exactly who he was, and somehow I found the courage (this is NOT normally me, lol), to ask for a pic with him. Of course, he obliged. In a drunken stupor I'm sure, D saw the pic on FB one nigh and commented that "you are fucked if you took a boyfriend on a trip with my daughter." The comment was SO laughable. At first I thought he was so drunk that he did not recognize this guy. I was more pissed than anything that he thinks so little of me as a mother that I would ever take a boyfriend on a trip with my child. And then there's the issue of WTH business is it of his, anyway? It's NOT! I called him out on his comment, which is promptly deleted. I assumed he had realized who was in the pic with me.

When I questioned him about it this weekend, I realized he really didn't know who it was. This is shocking for D, a HUGE sports fan, and major fan of all STL sports. I honestly feel like there's some sort of brain issue going on. Like, things aren't functioning as they should. He's not making appropriate connections. It scared me. He said his comment was "drunk talk" and that it should be ignored.

He surprisingly showed up for S's b-day. I was shocked. I had invited him, of course, but honestly didn't expect him to show up. But he did. And he looked like hell. I mean really, like HELL. It didn't help at all, but I feel like it's b/c he COULDN'T help. He's been zapped of all life. Later than night I was talking to his brother, who said he saw D trying to up wrap a cupcake for C, and couldn't get the wrapper off b/c he was shaking so badly.

One of my best friends was at the party. She has lots of personal experience with alcoholism as well as being an addiction counselor in the past. She's told me on prior occasions that she's never seen anyone as sick as him. On Saturday, she told me that her heart hurt for him. Mine does too, but it hurts for my children more. This addiction is robbing them of a nurturing relationship with their father.

I have SUCH a hard time making the distinction of him vs the addiction. I know there are lots of people that look at him and see a "drunk." I get it. Trust me, I do. But I've also had the experience of D. When I think about D vs alcoholic, my heart does hurt for him, it does. But I'm getting to the point that I can barely look at him. I don't like him. I don't like what he represents. And that makes me so sad. He is a person that is being ravaged by this disease. No, it's not cancer, but it's still a disease and it's KILLING him.

I feel like I'm watching him die.  But I also struggle with just wanting to hate him. Hating him would be so much easier. It's the caring that zaps me of all energy.

He came over on Sunday. I knew he was drunk. But, he wasn't causing any issues, was entertaining the kids. I let him stay. After the twins went down for their nap, I asked if he'd take a test. He didn't hesitate. That's when I realized how drunk he really was. There's a time in his drunkeness that he will refuse a test b/c he know it'll be positive. But then, he crosses the line and gets that feeling of being indestructible. That's where he was on Sunday. He blew a .14, which means that when he first showed up he was twice the legal limit (although with his tolerance was only acting like someone who'd had 3 beers).

He immediately said the test wasn't accurate. Tried all sorts of illogical justifications. He eventually left. I told him i wanted to report him as a drunk driver. "Why would you do that to me?" And then, 10 secs later, "I can be in xx in 4 minutes or xx in 2 minutes" referring to a different municipality than the one I would report to. These are the situations in which I want to hate him. When S why he was leaving, he said "because sometimes I'm not a very good daddy."

ugh. got caught in it again

Fairly certain D is on the front end of a binge, while I'm dealing with a crapload of work, sick kids, a dirty house and no time for Christmas to-dos.
He came over for S's bday yesterday, and all was well. We had previously decided that I would get gifts for her and he would give me some money, which he did. I'm still bitter though that he didn't think to get anything for the twins.

The plan was for him to come over tonight as well. I woke this morning to a feverish A, so had no choice but to stay home. C had a fever yesterday, so I also had to keep him home. It made no sense to take S to the sitter, so I was home with all 3 trying to get all my work done in preparation for being out of town next week.

I sent D a message about 8:30am asking if he could come over earlier (really WTF else does he have to do??). He saw the message at 11:30, but I never heard from him. He showed up at 5:30, his usual time, saying he had just recently saw my message. I totally called him out on the lie, telling him I know he saw it at 11:30. He just mumbled something. Then, I realized he had been drinking.

I really needed a break, like REALLY, so I let it go. I ran downstairs to do some laundry, leaving him to "help" with the babies while they were having dinner.

I came back upstairs and he started in with his sports talk, talking about the most recent deal made by some random team. I totally interrupted him and asked the status of his disability app. He told me it was denied, he found out about 2 weeks ago. I then told him he must have lied to me the last time I asked him which was less than 2 weeks ago and it was still being processed. He told me he has a bad memory.

I asked what his plan was. To get an attorney. When? Soon. When's soon? Why are you nagging me? I find it interesting how you can quote every freaking sports show, but don't seem to have any desire to do something that would possibly give you an income. That totally set him off. Then, his delusional, illogical drunk talk started. I'm only legally required to be here 4 days a month (where the FUCK he came up with that is beyond me). I said REQUIRED? You feel like you're REQUIRED to be here? You can leave now. I don't NEED you here. Oh, you needed me this morning. Yes, I asked for your help this morning, which was met with silence. Thanks for that. THIS is the reason I don't live here anymore. Should I leave? Do you want to take a test? No? Then you need to leave. He's getting ready to leave when S walks up and hugs him. He at least hugs her back and then head to the door. You have two other children? Are you going to tell them goodbye? Shut up. Are you going to tell them good-bye?
He left without a good bye to the twins and said "what a bitch" as he closed the door.

I was livid, and SO sad for Sophie. I started crying. Poor girl ran up and hugged me. She asked why daddy couldn't listen to my rules. We talked about the fact that it's ok to cry and mommy's have to cry too sometimes.

Bastard! Fucker! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I hate that I got caught up in it. I HATE it. But I did.

I am SO not going to feel guilty when S and I get on that plane on Monday. I've been feeling super guilty. Guilty that I took the money he gave me for presents. Guilty for taking S on a trip without him. Guilty b/c I don't have a Christmas present for him. And then, this shit happens. What am I thinking?!

And then, I realized last night that I needed to tell his brother I did not want him to meet us at Disney. This is MY life, I need to stop letting things happen TO me, and take control of my life. I sent a text this morning, nicely explaining that I understand his need to come with us, but that I hope he understands my need to spend time alone with Sophie. He then responds "let's talk this out." Um NOOOOO. I just told you NO. Deal with it. Neither one of us ever called each other, but it's not the end of it, I'm sure. I expect a call from him Sunday trying to change my mind. Just leave me the F alone. EVERYONE!!!!!

Disney bound!

Let me start by saying that despite the fact that D was invited to my parents house for Thanksgiving, he did not go. Also, he was invited to my house after I returned home from my parents. He did not come over. But yet, at 10:30 on Thanksgiving night, he posted a poor me post on FB, about it being the first Thanksgiving without his mom, dad, grandparents and cousins.  I can't begin to tell you how inaccurate his statement was. However, what got to me the most is that he had EVERY opportunity to spend time with his children on this holiday, the only 3 people who have yet to learn what an ass he really is, and he chose not to. But, he was still looking for sympathy. I didn't see the post until early the next day, and then when I looked again, he had deleted it.

Then, I had posted a picture of each baby on Thanksgiving. He "shared" one of S, but not the twins. HELLO, YOU HAVE THREE CHILDREN.

Another, WTF was he thinking...he was over this weekend, and helping me outside with the leaves. I was seriously shocked he offered to help. Anyway, he looked at my car, and my little stick figure family (of which he was absent). He said "did you peel me off of the car?" I said "yes, months ago" He said "well, I'm still their father" and I said "but it's not your CAR anymore." Seriously, he can't have his cake and eat it too, and he's only their father when he wants to be.

On the VERY bright side, I'm taking S to Disney next week for her 4th birthday. I've been thinking about it all summer, and finally pulled the trigger. She still doesn't know; I'll tell her on her actual birthday. I'm SO excited to think about spending time with JUST her. I love the twins with all my heart, but maybe it's because she was my first, or the oldest, or the most obviously affected by everything going on, that I just want to be with her. To give 100% of my time to her. She deserves it so much. Also, I realized that this is the ONLY time I'll ever be able to take her, without the twins knowing what they are missing, lol. We can all go back in a few years.

I mentioned it to my BIL a few weeks ago and he told me he's been looking for an excuse to go to Florida. He called today and said he wanted to meet us there on Tues. I'm torn. Of course I acted all happy and excited, but the more I'm thinking about it, just UGH. It'l only for one day, but still.

At first, he told me when I first told him I was taking her by himself his immediate thought was that I shouldn't go without a man. THAT set me on edge. While I would LOVE to have a caring, involved guy by my side (sometimes!), I do not NEED one. I will raise my daughters not to need one, and raise my son to respect a woman who doesn't need one. I got past that issue, and then he also admitted to me that for years he felt the need to "fill in" for his father, with his mom, and now he feels the same need to fill in for his brother. We talked about that, and I assured him he should feel no guilt, but clearly he does. It continues to amaze me how many people have been affected negatively by D (and his issues).

So now, I'll guess we'll spend a day with him tagging along. I appreciate his thought SO much, but I'm not thrilled with the idea.