D stayed away for 13 days. I had to kick him out on the 19th. He didn't show up again until this weekend. He e-mailed on Fri night to ask if he could come over on Saturday. My response was something about it being convenient for him. After I sent it, I started getting anxious about if my response would piss him off, and therefore change his mind about wanting to come over. Which would have caused me the biggest guilt trip EVER in regards to my kids not seeing him. COMPLETELY irrational. I get it. He didn't respond, but did show up, which PISSED me off b/c I never told him he COULD be there. Crazy. Yes, crazy. The only thing I said to him for hours was "are you sober?" And then I let him in the house. I watched my kids, HIS kids, run up to him yelling and screaming for JOY. Giving hugs and kisses. And it pissed me the F off. He does NOT deserve their love. He doesn't. But I will not deny them their father. I can't. I went in my room and cried, quite honestly being a little jealous of their reaction to him being there. I get the tantrums and the biting and the peeing in the floor, and he gets their JOY. Dinner time on Saturday was a disaster. S was melting down. A was screaming for no reason and C was throwing his dinner on the floor. I lost it. Telling him that THIS is what I get, when he decides to drink/binge. This is the what I deal with. I think I called him a selfish bastard. I'm honestly not sure. I realized Sat night after he left that I was PMSing. That helped me feel a bit better, lol. Sunday was better. I still have no desire to see him/talk to him. None. Once I could finally talk to him in private, I suggested that we move to him coming over less often. He said he gets in a "rut" and can't leave his condo. I confirmed that rut=binge. I tried to express as best I could what this is doing to Sophie. He agreed that trying just weekends would be helpful. We'll see. I'm not confident in anything that he says.
That Sunday that I kicked him out, I did decide that I'm going to file for divorce. That day, for some reason, although it was similar to many others, it hit me that he doesn't give a shit about me, or his kids. And I know it's not him, it's the addiction, but I need to be fully separated from it. I've researched, and it seems I just need to file a motion to modify legal separation to divorce. I'm still not certain if I can do this myself, or if I need an attorney. At any rate, it doesn't seem complicated. Now, I need to get up the nerve to tell him. I STILL feel like it's signing his death sentence, but I have to be done. It's bad enough I still have to communicate with him, but I need to separate as much as I can, for my own sanity.
Now for other news...I think I met someone. Well, I know I met someone, lol...still not sure where it is going. But, there is a boy in the picture. We haven't put a label on anything. I like him and he likes me, and he's got 3 kids (and actually did IVF with his ex to have 2 of them) that he has 50% of the time. When we realized we had 6 kids between us, he actually said "the more, the merrier." It's fun and it's EASY. We've been out 3 times so far, with lots of emails and texts in between. He gets that I am a mom #1, and he respects it. I like him:)
As painful as it is for you, I'm glad the babies still show affection toward D - for their sake and their sake alone.... because I'm afraid that as time passes, it will fade - and that is just so sad. Right now, they don't know the depth of the pain he has caused, the dysfunction, the degree of his illness - but they will. And when they do, that is when they will realize that it was YOU all along that was there for them through all of it, through the tantrums, the biting, the crying, the sickness - all.of.it. And they will be grateful. And they will love you. And THAT is what matters. No, he does not deserve their love, but they deserve to feel that love in their hearts... They don't understand any other way. They are tiny humans in their purest form. They love. And I hope that when they're more grown and they understand the truth there will still be that ability to love in their hearts... because a father like D can easily instill bitterness in them and that would be far too sad.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad (and relieved) that you have decided to divorce him. I'd never ever tell you what to do, but I secretly hoped that you would get to this point and realize that complete separation from him is what YOU need. He does NOT care about you so for you to just be separated for his sake doesn't make sense. He doesn't deserve your kindness. I know that all along your focus has been on taking care of the little ones, but YOU are just as important. Your sanity matters. Your LIFE matters. Good for you for doing this!!
Now, onto the juicy stuff... you met someone!? :) I'm not going to say that I told you so, but my friend, I told you so!! :D Back when D said that awful thing about never wanting to raise another man's children... when it hit you like a ton of bricks... I told you that there are good men out there. Wonderful men. Men who would be so lucky to have you and your kids in their lives. I wasn't kidding - and this new "friend" of yours seems to have shown you just that. "The more, the merrier!" - how perfect of a statement is that?! And the fact that he respects the fact that you are a mom #1... so fantastic. You deserve happiness and love in your life. Never forget that and never settle for less. I'm so happy for you!
Big happy smile about you meeting someone and them being on the same page as you!
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