status quo, I suppose

Nothing too crazy to report. I've talked to D every other day or so. He's more and more clear and lucid, although I assume that's b/c he's out of Librium. We actually had a good discussion yesterday, and he gave me the ok to help him with his disability application. I've been wanting to, not to be in his business, but it's a hard system to navigate even when someone is mentally healthy. I made more progress in 20 minutes than he'd made in a year. Bottom line: it's not looking pretty. I spoke with a paralegal at a local firm who told me his application would be thrown out immediately b/c he is actively drinking. "They" want to see at least 6 months sobriety, in order to prove that the depression, mania, anxiety, PTSD is there in the absence of the drinking. It just really pisses me off. Alcoholism is a disease too, and at the very heart of it is the inability to stop. BUT, I do see the point of this stipulation also. 15 years ago, substance users needed only to prove that that was their dx. Now, it's not even. I have my MSW, as well as several of my friends. I cannot believe that between ALL of us, we did not know this.

So I called to tell him this. He said "well then I need to stop drinking." And I could FEEL us moving into that circular conversation where this is the topic, but no progress is made because we're talking, but not making decisions, or doing anything to move the issue forward. So frustrating, and I'm so glad that I don't have to worry about this every day. I suggested inpatient treatment. He shot it down saying he's done it before. I finally pulled the card in my back pocket. I told him that, right now, I didn't feel comfortable giving Sierra back to him. I don't feel like he can adequately take care of her. He didn't fight me. Maybe he expected it. Maybe he knows it himself. I was NOT as direct as I could have been, saying you are NOT getting her back. For good or bad, that's just not me. We ended the convo without any decisions of anything, his sobriety or the living arrangements of our dog. I feel that he's headed into another binge. My thoughts on him not getting Sierra are enough to send him there.

Prior to that convo we'd had another, in which he ended up hanging up on me. Again, we were talking about Sierra and I said I don't understand why she was with you that night. "I take her everywhere, you know that." "Why in the HELL would you take her to a fucking BAR." Hang up.  His judgement, his logic, it's just not there. He either knows he F'd up, or just refuses to thinking hard enough about it to make that realization.

His bro has drafted guardianship papers. I reviewed, and they need some work. regardless, I'm not ready to file them yet, especially as I see his clarity returning. Taking ME out of the equation, I think it's a very important decision to all but take someone's rights away from them. M is worried about D's money.  I have seen NO evidence that he is spending through money. Not to say that he won't, that's part of the mania...but to date, he's kept himself in check. I have no right to get control over it, nor does anyone else. I understand that M wants to make sure it's preserved as much as possible for our kids, I get that, but right now, it's not an immediate concern.

I talked to his psychiatrist last night. I had called a few days ago to discuss Sierra and the guardianship. she had limited knowledge of what happened to land him in the hospital, so I filled her in as best I could. I told her he hasn't seen his kids in 18 weeks. I told her I was struggling with what to do with Sierra. That I'd feel guilty if I gave her back and something happened, but I'd feel more guilty if I didn't give her back and something happened to him. Either way, I'm screwed, I think. As his doc, she obv couldn't give me any advice. We discussed guardianship. I told her that papers had been drafted but that I wasn't ready to move forward at this point. She did agree that if he keeps drinking, he will need a guardian to ensure that his basic needs are met, as his brain/body potentially start to fail him. It was good to talk to her. We have a very good relationship, always have, and i know she knows that my intentions in contacting her are good. We agreed that I would keep in touch if I needed.

J doesn't want me to give Sierra back. I get it. I GET IT. Poor guy. He told me yesterday that he thinks about D more than any other guy ever, and they've never even met. He WANTS to meet him. Actually wants to shake the shit out of him.  Bless his heart, I really feel like the luckiest girl in the world for having met him. Anyhoo...it's interesting to hear his take on D and the situation, both broadly and specific to the latest incident. he understands why I would entertain giving her back. He understands my issue with the guilt. He said last night that he thinks whatever is going to happen with D is going to happen, regardless of if he has Sierra. Having her may prolong the inevitable, but what will be, will be. He thinks he's using her as a crutch. And I really liked that analogy! I asked him why I would possibly take a crutch away from someone who needed it. that's when we got to the point of prolonging the inevitable.

Last night, I remembered something D had mentioned in relation to Sierra. I had told him that she had adjusted well, after the first night of anxiety. that she's getting walks, and even going for runs with me or J (well, I didn't tell him the J part!). That she's fine with the kids, doesnt seem skittish ,etc. He said "I'm really surprised. When she would be there with me, she would tolerate the kids, and be ready to leave after an hour." I've ALWAYS said that he projected his own feelings on to her, and this was my proof. Because now, I've seen her for over a week in the absence of him and she's FINE. It's HIM who can only tolerate the kids for an hour and is ready to leave.

he's so incredibly sick

I got a call from D at 7 this morning, telling me he'd be discharged today. If I hadn't known it was him, I would not have guessed it. they have him pumped full of so many meds.

I picked him up about 1:15. I was instantly blown away by how sick he looked. The nurse had to help him get in the car.

What I now know about Saturday night: he remembers drinking at the bar, then he remembers waking up in an ambulance (there's also a bit of knowledge of being about 100 feet from his car, so he apparently collapsed in the parking lot), and then waking again at the ER. He heard someone say "he's seizing." It took 18 IV bags to get him hydrated. He many have had a small heart attack in the ambulance.

Since his collapse, balance has been an issue. He can't walk without holding on to something. He has orders for PT to visit him at his house to help him figure out how to navigate stairs. He was told he shouldn't be living alone. He needs someone to help him.

fuck fuck fuck

He's not processing anything.

He said "I can't wait to see the kiddos, " as if he'd just been away for a few days (not 18 weeks). I looked at him, trying to understand what that statement meant. I truly think he has no idea how long it's been. I think days have blurred to weeks, to months. My bitterness about that subsided a little. So so sick.

The "easy" part of this, for me, was that he did not ask for Sierra. And now, I have his physical issues to argue why he shouldn't have her. He can barely walk/get up the stairs, which means that her trips outside will be less than they already were.

After he told me about this issue with the stairs, I asked if it was ok if I made sure he made it to condo ok, since he lives on 3rd floor. He was fine it. We pulled out of lot, and should have gone left to get to the condo. Instead he went right, so I followed. I thought at first he was going to stop by the store, but he passed that, and got closer and closer to my house, which made me anxious. Did he think he was going to get Sierra? Finally, at a stoplight I jumped out of the car and ran up to his to ask where he was going. He looked at me blankly and said "I have no idea." I told him to turn around and I'd follow, which he did. Getting up the stairs was slow, but manageable, especially since there's a substantial railing to hold on to.

We got inside and I reminded him that I'd been there Sun night. He had no recollection. I asked him if he knew he was a "silent patient." He had no memory of making that request, although in a drunken stupor I'm sure he did. I politely asked if something happened in the future, would he please give the ok to keep me informed and he said yes. I asked if he'd check in via text, letting me know he was ok, and he said yes.

I'm desperately afraid he's going to die, on a combo of lithium and alcohol. I didn't even broach the drinking topic. There was no point, and quite frankly I'm tired of it. All I can see in my head is that huge glass of white wine that was still on the coffee table from Sat night, and the watered down rum and coke still in his fridge. He doesn't even need to leave the condo to get alcohol back in his system.

I've already touched base with his brother about getting a guardian appointed. I'm the most likely candidate, and the one he'd most likely be ok with holding that role. I'm waiting on a call from M to see what that means for me. Are we jumping the gun with this? Part of me says yes, but the other part feels like he needs it to keep him safe.

he is disintegrating in front of my eyes.

emotional

Probably goes without saying that this entire situation has me so emotional. I'm so angry at D right now, but at the same time so sad, worried, anxious, etc.

Other than his condo (which legally he still shares with me), he really has nothing left to lose at this point. Nothing. And yes, I understand it's his fault, and it's only through choice that he's made that he's in the situation, but I'm sad for him. I wonder if he's sad, or worried, or anxious. Probably all.

I called and he's still in the hospital, still a "silent" patient. I have to imagine he's off observation, and probably on a psych unit. It's where he needs to be, but god it must be lonely. And I hate this for him. I hate that he was dealt such a shitty hand and he couldn't overcome it.

Is this his bottom? Finally? I've thought I've seen it so many other times but I didn't. But is this it. Can he finally get his shit together and start climbing the ladder to sobriety, and happiness, and productivity?

After his last inpatient treatment (from which he relapsed 6 days later), I remember him telling me that all he could think about was alcohol and how much he wanted a drink. Is that what he's thinking now? Or is he thinking about his children, or his dog?  Or is he thinking that he has nothing left? Or is that all too painful and he's trying not to think at all?   Is he just going through the motions, participating in groups and telling a social worker what she wants to hear, just biding his time until he can get out.

I don't plan on giving Sierra back to him, unless, like I said, he REALLY proves himself, and I've yet to come up with a definition of what that means. I'm so afraid that if he doesn't get her back, that will be it for him. I thought getting a divorce would send him over the edge. If he doesn't get her back, I wouldn't be shocked at whatever he chooses to do.  And I would feel responsible.

I dread the convo telling him he can't have her. dread it.  

in the hospital

New drama...

things have been pretty status quo lately, so even though there has been minimal craziness (both good and bad), I've neglected to post. Now though...we have some serious drama.

D did a FB check-in at a local music venue on Sat night, about 12:30. Then, 3 hours later, did another check-in at the local hospital. He's no stranger to checking in at the ER, mostly for attention, I believe. But, this one just made me think twice. I didn't see these check-ins until Sunday morning. About 1 pm, I decided to call the hospital. They were able to tell he was there, but referred to him as a "silent patient" telling me they couldn't give me any info. I started to get anxious, so sent his brother (also an attorney) a text, who then called and tried to get more info, but couldn't.  D's phone was off. 

About 3, I realized that Sierra (our dog, living with him), was going to need help. I sent him a text, which was delivered, so his phone was back on. I asked if he was in the hospital, no response. I told him if I didn't hear from him, I was going to pick her up. No response. 

I started calling J, who I hadn't talked with that day, since he was home with his son. HIS freaking phone was off. I gave it an hour, tried again. Still off. I started calling every 15 minutes. Compulsive, I know, but I couldn't stop. I sent him an e-mail. No response. I NEEDED him to go with me to pick up Sierra. I was afraid what I would find in our condo. I didn't want to go by myself. 

Thankfully, I was able to find a sitter, who I asked to come over at 7, thinking surely J would be at my house by then. She ended up coming early, about 6, and I STILL hadn't talked with J. Phone still off. I was actually pretty pissed at him, although didn't have much reason. He finally called a bit after sitter got there. He said his phone charger had been in his car, and he and O had hung out inside all day. He was ridiculously apologetic, but I was so upset, with him and the situation in general, that I pretty much hung up on him. 

So, I called the hospital again, confirming D was still there (and that it was safe for me to go to condo). I got there, and Sierra wasn't there. I texted D, asking him where she was. No response. What the FUCK. WHERE was my dog?  His car was gone also. 

I went home, completely baffled. Where was she? Sitter is actually a friend, and her husband is a cop., who happened to be on duty. She called him, and we were able to figure out that no paperwork had been filed on D or his car from the night before.  I don't even remember why it was important, but friend suggested I call the hospital again and find out how he was transported there. Did he drive himself, go by ambulance, police, etc. 

I was again met with "he's a silent patient." I finally had the clarity to ask what that meant. It means that either he or his dr had given orders that he was not to have visitors, talk to anyone, or let anyone know he was there. I explained the situation, that I was trying to find my dog. I told her I didn't want any info on him, just to know how he had gotten there so I might get a clue where my dog might be. I mentioned the ER and she said "oh, he came through the ER? they might have more info" so she transferred me. A very angry nurse answered the phone, informing me that her shift of staff had only been there an hour. I again relayed my story...trying to find my dog. She took pity on me and looked him up "oh yes, here's here, hold on." the next person to answer the phone answered "observation." that's when it all made sense to me. At this hospital, they have an observation unit within the ER, for mentally ill patients. Things became more clear. I explained my story again, and that I didn't want to know anything about him, only how he had gotten there. She transferred me again and I swear the phone rang for 5 minutes. Finally, someone answered and I spit out the story AGAIN. I could tell she put her hand on the receiver so I couldn't hear, and then I heard him. "Tell her to look behind the Pageant (bar he had been at), and my car is there." Then, I screamed "and my dog is in the fucking CAR?" The tech/nurse was clearly upset by the situation, but simply said yes. I told her I needed the car key, and how could I get it. She let me know if I came to the ER she would get it to me. 

About that time, J called to say he was on his way, asking how he could help. I told him what was going on and then HE lost it. 

Sierra had been in that car since at least 12:30 am, and by this time, it was after 8 pm. Neither of us discussed worst case scenario. He told me he'd go to the car, and that I should go to ER to pick up key. I asked what the point was of him going to car and he said he'd bust the window. I told him that made absolutely no sense whatsoever. He was at my house within 5 minutes and off we went. 

When I got to ER the nurse went back to get key, told me he didn't want to see me. Fine with me. 

J and I were both on edge during the short drive to his car. We found it, pulled up next to it and nothing. You could feel the freaking tension, and then suddenly my sweet girl's head popped up in the window. Luckily, he'd had the sense to crack the windows. Also luckily, I don't think it broke 80 degrees that day. 

So now, I have inherited my dog back. He is going to have to prove himself ALOT, and I'm not sure he can do it, if he has a chance in hell of getting her back. i tongue in cheek joked with J that this might give him incentive to come see his children. 

So, the mystery is still unsolved. He drove his car to the bar, which was actually within (far) walking distance of condo. He took her with him. Guessing maybe, that he expected to have a drink or two and leave...but why take her at all? He clearly was taken by police or ambulance, since his car was there. Bar fight that needed medical attention? BUT, if he was as drunk as he was to take her to the bar, he was in no shape to fight so that's probably not it. passed out, hit the floor, they called 911?  Also guessing that his BAC was so incredibly high that they refused to let him go home. Most likely being detoxed as we speak. When I heard him Sun night he had that voice of being sober, (which I haven't heard in FOREVER) and knowing that he was in a shit load of trouble. I've heard it many time. 

I still have his car key, and condo keys, so he will have to let me know when he is discharged. 

So, that's that. 

Divorced

I was sitting at work, minding my own business on Wednesday afternoon, when an email from my attorney popped up.

"Judge R entered the Judgment of Dissolution today, so you are officially divorced."

Just like that, it was done. Just like that, I started sobbing, a nasty, ugly cry. I'm sure people could hear me outside of my office. I couldn't stop the tears. They weren't tears of happiness, or even relief. I was so, SO sad.  Despite my STRONG desire to end the marriage, it was still so sad. The loss of a marriage, the loss of a family, the loss of dreams that we had always talked about, places we wanted to visit, where we thought we'd be in 5 years/10 years. It was all gone. All of it.  And shared memories...the days our children were born, relatives deceased (his mom and grandmother, 3 of my grandparents), that any significant other that comes after will never know. Hell, there's a picture of us the day we got married, with both sets of my grandparents. It's so special to me, and I can never hang it on the wall again. A picture of him and his mom at our wedding that is wonderful, that was banished to a drawer along with other wedding memories a year and a half ago. I'll keep those for our kids, of course, but it still hurts to know that that part of my/our life, is over. 

And, I've moved into a new category. I can't check "married" anymore, or even "single." I'm divorced. I don't care really, makes no difference. I don't think one is any better than the other. But still, a new category. 

After I collected myself a bit, I started writing him a letter, but the tears started coming again, so much I couldn't even see the screen. But, I will finish the letter, and send to him. I don't know if he'll read it. But, it will make me feel better. I want him to know I don't think he's a bad person. I know at one time he knew that, but I fear that in his distorted view of everything, he may have forgotten. I want to remind him that he will always be welcome in our children's lives, so long as he is sober. If it's not for 5 years, so be it. But i want him to know that it's ok to contact me to see them. 

I still love him as a person, as the father of my children. If not for him, I wouldn't have the exact 3 that I do. And they are the kids I was meant to have, I firmly believe that. I want the best for him, and if he ever asked for my help, I would jump to give it. 

I think it was a year and eight months ago that I first talked with a therapist about all of this. Even then, I knew in a very small corner of my brain what I wanted the end result to be, I just needed someone to help. I knew I was not meant to be with him for the rest of my life. It didn't feel good anymore, and hadn't for years, to be honest. As I told her my story, she slowly encouraged me to walk down the path that would lead to this day. I fought it at times, but I got here. I ALWAYS said that before I even made the first move toward divorce that I wanted to know that I tried everything to save our marriage (which essentially meant trying everything that I could to save him). I honestly feel like I did. I have no regrets about that, no "what if we'd tried this or done that." Knowing that brings me some peace in this.

papers signed

Late last week brought a whirlwind of emotions/anxiety.

After a lot of back and forth with attorney (due to my misunderstanding), I received our affidavits and judgement, all which needed to be signed, and the affidavits notarized.

I had had no contact with D since the threats. I began e-mailing/texting on Wed, letting him know I had the papers and we needed to sign, and could he met Thur or Fri. He didn't respond. As usual with anything to do with him, my anxiety went through the roof. It was HORRIBLE. I let it go until Thursday morning. Historically, I KNOW that repeated attempted contacts with him do NOT work. If anything, it causes him to take LONGER to respond. So, I lied. I sent him a text and told him that I understood that he many not be comfortable leaving his condo, so that I was more than happy to bring a notary to him. He responded less than 15 minutes later that he would meet me on Friday.

Going in to Thursday night, I was still mad/upset about the threats and how he felt it was acceptable to say things like that. I woke up Fri morning to see this on FB. I should preface this by saying that I usually get a warning text from a friend when something that might upset me is posted. This time, I didn't, as he posted about 1 am and I saw it before 7 am.

"As I'm about to sign the final divorce paperwork tomorrow morning. I want to thank Stacey for being the best wife a man could ever have. The best mom in the world who after many struggles blessed us with the three most perfect children in the world. We purchased two homes together. It has been the best 14 years of my life. Thank you!!!"

My heart stopped when I read it. Instant tears, and I must have gasped or something b/c I remember J looking very concerned. I threw my phone at him, he read it, and then just rolled over and gave me a hug. I can't even put into words what I was feeling. For a brief second, I assumed it was sincere, but then I got pissed b/c I thought he was being manipulative. My main thought was "how DARE he say that?" Initially, I wasn't even upset that it was so visible, it was just really "how does he have the balls to say that." I went through every emotion. 

I will honestly say that there was about 10 seconds, that's all it lasted, that I thought, OMG maybe we can make this work. Maybe he really does want to make this work. But then, that thought was gone. 1) I know he's not capable and 2) I've moved on, with no regrets, and plan to keep it that way. 

J, God bless him, told me he thought that D was being sincere and that perhaps the 14 years really were his best. Hours later, I realized this probably was/is the case, and that even though he thinks that, I have my own perspective on those 14 years. The passing out, the being called a bitch in a drunken stupor, the DUI's, the jail bail-outs, the hurt feelings he caused others, the blood on my floor b/c he did something stupid. It brought up things that I had COMPLETELY forgotten about, or out and out denied happening, even in my own head. 

I met him at the bank with mixed emotions. I had SO wanted to be pissed at him, and partially was, but mostly I was sad. Divorce is sad, especially when it's yours. He was waiting for me. We walked to the banker, and I could FEEL D looking at me. I refused to look back. I didn't want to start crying. I had tears in my eyes as it was and didn't want to give him the satisfaction.

It took all of 5 minutes, and then he followed me out of the bank, trying to make small talk. This is D. Can never have a serious conversation. We just ended an 11 year marriage, and he wants to talk about the construction across the street. I supposed I didn't do much better. I immediately went on the defensive and started showering him with questions about the threats. He told me to forget it, that it was done in a drunken haze and shouldn't have been said, and that he would apologize. Then, I immediately started confronting him about how S had been in the ICU. His response? "I'm on FB. I saw." "Really? Then you couldn't visit? Couldn't call me to check on her? Couldn't send a fucking balloon??" And then, I went THERE. "The next time you want to threaten J, you should know that HE was the one that was there with me. That HE met me in the ER and stayed for 48 hours. That HE needed to leave, but didn't because she cried for him to stay." God help me, I know I went too far, I KNOW it, but it just came out, it was just POURING out of my mouth. It was NOT the time to bring him up, and I knew that, but the connection with the threats and then her being in the hospital, in my mind at that time, it made sense. 

He responded with "yeah, and he's telling me I'm not welcome to see my kids." He was referring to the very first e-mail that J sent to him after the threat "stay away from her and the kids." I told him that he was NEVER told that he wasn't welcome, and that he knew what he had to do to see them. At that point, he slammed the car door and drove away.

I don't know what made me think I could go back to work after signing the papers. I was exhausted. I did meet a friend for lunch, but then headed home. I closed the curtains and crawled under the covers. I relived some of the 14 years. A lot good, especially at the beginning, but SO much bad, throughout. How he thinks he hasn't changed is beyond me. 

I know I did the right thing, for me and my kids. I'm not sure it was the best thing for him, but I can't dwell on that. He's an adult. He has to take care of himself. I do predict that he'll be dead in 12 months. He can't sustain the level he is drinking. He could barely sign his name. He used to have such a distinctive signature, and now, even knowing him, I can barely tell that it's his. 

I'm REALLY working on something. I get SO mad when he/his friends talk about his kids like he's the best dad ever. It infuriates me. But in conversations with J, I realize that, at the end of the day, it's not the worst thing in the world if he has his friends thinking this. It's not hurting me. it's not hurting our kids. If he gets any sort of satisfaction from that, so be it. So for now, I'm really going to try to overlook it, as right now, it's only causing me anxiety/anger. I will try to let it go. 

threats

So. J and I were out on Sat night when my sister sent me a text saying WTF?. I knew it could only be D, so I hopped on FB to find the following comment to J's "relationship status" post from last week.


"Always keep in the back of your head that I can and will show you the worst ass beating of your life."

I was in shock. J was livid. We didn't really even know what to say. I mean seriously, what do you say? J thought D was referring to me. I thought he was referring to J (since it was a comment on J's post). Regardless...who says that? J sent him a private message. Lovely first contact between the two, don't you think. He let me see each thing he sent before sending. The first was just simply "stay away from her and the kids." There were a few other exchanges, when it came out that the threat was actually to J, not me, and he went in to more detail. We haven't heard anything from him since J's last response.  I'm debating a restraining order, but really want to wait until the divorce is final.  I don't want anything to hold it up.  He's clearly delusional.

And, WHY the threats in the first place? Because J is in my life, and D isn't? The majority of that is his own fault. Because J has more contact with the kids than D does? Again, that's his own doing. There's no logical reason for the anger towards J. None. Also, he e-mailed his cousin privately, basically mother-fucking her because she appears to be on my "side." "I'm family, she's not. We wouldn't have these kids if it weren't for my mom." Referencing the fact that his mom helped us pay for an IVF cycle.

I am ready, just so SO ready to out him. I'm not talking about the mental illness or even the alcoholism, but I want people to know what kind of dad he is. It's been TEN weeks. TEN, since he's seen his kids.  At dinner on Sat night, before we saw that message J and I were talking about at what point do I just say enough is enough, and forever deny him access to his kids. And if it got to that point, what would I say, how would I tell them? It's not to that point yet, but J's thought is how much longer can we keep saying that daddy is sick? And he's right. It's a cop-out on my part. And in the back of my mind I wonder what it would do to D to be denied total access.  And then I think of his threats.  He doesn't deserve my thoughts, but he still gets them, although significantly less and less.

And then there is J, who has been ridiculously supportive since D's little outburst. I've been really overwhelmed and emotional since Sat night, and he's right there. And, just as important, he's held his shit together. I know he's pissed, and has every right. But he's reacting and responding in appropriate ways.  I just can't imagine life without him. Ever.

At our new school, they e-mail me each morning with that plan for the day, including topics that will be discussed. Today, the twins are learning how to say dad in french and spanish. I cringed when I saw it, and told J. His response? "They need to teach them how to say step-dad.

I love him, and his goofy sideways hat:)