I'm here, I'm here.

Lots to say, but not sure where/how to start.

D stayed away for 13 days. I had to kick him out on the 19th. He didn't show up again until this weekend. He e-mailed on Fri night to ask if he could come over on Saturday. My response was something about it being convenient for him. After I sent it, I started getting anxious about if my response would piss him off, and therefore change his mind about wanting to come over. Which would have caused me the biggest guilt trip EVER in regards to my kids not seeing him. COMPLETELY irrational. I get it. He didn't respond, but did show up, which PISSED me off b/c I never told him he COULD be there. Crazy. Yes, crazy.  The only thing I said to him for hours was "are you sober?" And then I let him in the house. I watched my kids, HIS kids, run up to him yelling and screaming for JOY. Giving hugs and kisses. And it pissed me the F off. He does NOT deserve their love. He doesn't. But I will not deny them their father. I can't. I went in my room and cried, quite honestly being a little jealous of their reaction to him being there. I get the tantrums and the biting and the peeing in the floor, and he gets their JOY. Dinner time on Saturday was a disaster. S was melting down. A was screaming for no reason and C was throwing his dinner on the floor. I lost it. Telling him that THIS is what I get, when he decides to drink/binge. This is the what I deal with. I think I called him a selfish bastard. I'm honestly not sure.  I realized Sat night after he left that I was PMSing. That helped me feel a bit better, lol. Sunday was better. I still have no desire to see him/talk to him. None. Once I could finally talk to him in private, I suggested that we move to him coming over less often. He said he gets in a "rut" and can't leave his condo. I confirmed that rut=binge.  I tried to express as best I could what this is doing to Sophie. He agreed that trying just weekends would be helpful. We'll see. I'm not confident in anything that he says. 

That Sunday that I kicked him out, I did decide that I'm going to file for divorce. That day, for some reason, although it was similar to many others, it hit me that he doesn't give a shit about me, or his kids. And I know it's not him, it's the addiction, but I need to be fully separated from it. I've researched, and it seems I just need to file a motion to modify legal separation to divorce. I'm still not certain if I can do this myself, or if I need an attorney. At any rate, it doesn't seem complicated. Now, I need to get up the nerve to tell him. I STILL feel like it's signing his death sentence, but I have to be done. It's bad enough I still have to communicate with him, but I need to separate as much as I can, for my own sanity. 

Now for other news...I think I met someone. Well, I know I met someone, lol...still not sure where it is going. But, there is a boy in the picture.  We haven't put a label on anything. I like him and he likes me, and he's got 3 kids (and actually did IVF with his ex to have 2 of them) that he has 50% of the time. When we realized we had 6 kids between us, he actually said "the more, the merrier." It's fun and it's EASY. We've been out 3 times so far, with lots of emails and texts in between. He gets that I am a mom #1, and he respects it. I like him:)

the back and forth

It's amazing to me how I still go from love (in a diff way obviously) to hate, and all the little stops in between.
I saw a pin on Pinterest this morning that floored me. It's one of those that hit right *there.*
I suppose, on some level, I KNEW that ultimately it wouldn't work between us. I was raised witnessing relationships (parents, both sets of grandparents, etc) that stayed together, no matter what. All in all, 3 very good relationships to have as models. When I met D, I guess I assumed that although there were issues, we would weather any storm, because that's what you did.

I had to shovel a massive amount of snow yesterday. I don't think since D moved out that I have ever had that woe is me attitude. That's just not my personality. Now cursing, and being pissed off, YES. Every Thursday night when I drag the dumpsters to the curb I curse him. When I was dealing with infertility, I handled it much the same as I did D. Head down, trudging through, knowing that I would see the other side.

As I was shoveling yesterday, my 3 kids inside, hoping against hope that the TV would entice them enough while I was outside, I said a silent "thank you" to D. Despite all the crap, my relationship with him, and its demise, taught me that I can do anything. ANYTHING.  Yes, I have no choice, but that's not necessarily the way I see it. It's proving to myself that I can do whatever needs to be done. Of course, this does not bode well for any guy that may come AFTER D, lol.

It feels like a really big step to have reached the point where I was thankful.

But really, what the words below mean to me is that without D I would not have the 3 wonderful little people that I have. I may have had others (or not), but they would not be the three that made me a mother. For this, I will be thankful to him always. And now I'm crying.

And then, on the flip side, is the fact that he has not been to see his kids since Thursday night (it's Tues). He promised S that he would see her on Saturday. She reminded me on Saturday that he would be there, and I was hopeful, but I played it off with a "we'll see."

Later that afternoon, while the twins were sleeping, she looked at me and said "I guess he's not coming after all." My heart broke for her. Shattered. I'm crying again. FUCKER. He still hasn't made contact with me. I know he's alive b/c he's logged on to FB. GOD, I just want to tell him he can't see her. But what will that do to her? Or him, for that matter. It might kill him, literally. And, because he's a stubborn ass, he'd fight me on it, telling me that legally he can see her. It would be such a mess. But what sort of mess is he creating in that little head of hers? I'm trying to pick up the pieces from this horrible mess he is making, but I can't pick them all up. S is holding on to the stuff. That's her personality. She's serious, and takes things to heart, and is easily hurt, emotionally.

raising another man's kids

D has been doing well, (not drinking-wise, NEVER drinking-wise), but mental health-wise things are better. I knew it would happen with Christmas out of the way. In addition to getting past the holidays, who also told me last weekend that when he went to order new meds, he realized he'd been out of two KEY meds for 2-3 weeks (that was an estimate).  I knew it. I KNEW it. His spiral (increased anxiety and depression) caught me attention a few weeks ago and I asked about his meds. He said he was taking them all. It's part of the illness. He wasn't trying to LIE about it., he thought he WAS taking them all. But, it answers a lot of questions.

Last weekend, we had some good conversations, not about us, but just in general. More than just him ranting about sports or something he saw on CNN. He came over on NYE, sober, and stayed for a few hours. As he was getting ready to leave, I was in S's room playing with all 3 babies. Is it weird I still call them babies, lol?!?! I asked what he was doing that night, and he said going home and planning to be asleep by 10. He reminded me that his only "going out" friend had moved out of state. He said something about going back to his little cave and chilling on the couch. I asked if he was fine with that and he said "actually, yes I am. It works for me." I oddly enough felt a bit of relief to hear him say that. It made it seem like I hadn't forced him into that lifestyle (even though I know I didn't).

Somehow, I have no idea how, we started talking about kids, generally. He said "I could never raise another man's kids." I just looked at him. My mouth must have been hanging open. There were sarcastic comments swimming in my head. But, then I shut my mouth. I realized his comment was not directed at me. As usual, in the narcissistic attitude of an addict, it was all about him. He had no idea that he had just pissed me off, scared me to death and made me anxious all at the same time.

I'm getting close to being ready to maybe THINK about trying to date. Maybe. But then, there's the question...who wants someone with 3 little ones trailing along behind her. I had never thought seriously about this, until D made the comment. It was honesty at its best, from a man. And I'm sure he's not the only one to think that way.

Way to set me up, asshole.

Christmas take 1

As promised, this weekend was full of cookies (baking and eating!!) and Christmas music, and general fun (I hope...I tried)!!

D did not come over on Saturday. Finally, Sat night I messaged him asking what his plan was for Sunday, since his brother and family were due in town. He responded that he'd be there by 11 and that he had asked his brother a few times about what to have for dinner and his brother never answered blah blah. I responded with 1) stopping blaming others and worry more about being a good father instead of what we'd have for dinner. 2) that his brother wasn't planning on coming until about 4:30 so no need to come early unless if he didn't want to.

He didn't show up until about 2. Once 11 am hit, I started getting anxious and ruminating about why he wasn't there. Was it b/c I pissed him off about the "good father" comment, or b/c he really didn't want to be there and b/c I had given him the out, he was putting it off, was he being passive-aggressive, etc.

He was as sober as D could be. I noticed as we got close to 4:00 he was not looking so great.  I did feel for him. He was trying, he had tried by not being drunk when he arrived. He started showing some signs of withdrawal, the shaking, the sweating, some gagging. I asked him if he was ok. He said "I could use some wine." It wasn't said in the addict way, it was said like "I could use some Tylenol" if I had a headache. I quickly weighed my options and chose to pour him a glass.  I wasn't worried about him getting drunk, I was worried more about a seizure or something like that. I handed him the glass and he could not grasp it from me. He asked me to put it on the counter. He had to hold it the way my toddlers hold a sippy cup, firmly with two hands.  My heart  broke a little bit and I had to fight the tears.  It's just not fair.  This illness is nasty, and it's eating him alive, and I am witness to it.

Brother in law and family came and things were good. Honestly, this was the MOST comfortable I've ever been with them. They live out of town and we only see them a few times a year. But here I was, in MY house, not having to feel anxious for D, not having to feel responsible for his actions, and I actually enjoyed myself.

He did as well as he could. At dinner, I noticed several times that he could not keep the food on his fork, which leads me to believe there's definitely some anxiety related stuff going on, as he had enough alcohol in his system to at least stabilize.

Prior to everyone arriving, I confronted him about why he hadn't been over in a week. He said that he couldn't leave the condo. He said his depression was worsening, and I mentioned that clearly the anxiety was also worsening, if he couldn't leave his house. I suggested he call his doc to get an increase in his meds to get through the winter (historically his worst time of year). He said he had thought about, but left it at that.

Like my heart broke for D, my heart also broke for S earlier that day when she asked if daddy would be over for Christmas (meaning last night). She was clearly troubled with the thought of not seeing him. I'm so glad he showed up, for her.

the weekend before Christmas

All of the shopping is done, most of the wrapping is done. Now, I bake and clean my house, and enjoy my kids.
There was more about the comment I made yesterday (regarding being happy and in good spirits this holiday season) than I had time to write about. D is not, and has never been, a family guy, or a holiday guy, or a guy that prefers anything that is outside of the norm. S has unfortunately inherited a bit of this last piece, but I'll do what I can to help with that. Holidays in our home, wherever that might have been, was always minimal. This was strange to me, coming from a family that OVER celebrates Christmas. Sure, I always required putting up a tree, and a few decorations, but that's really where it ended. Very minimal, and he never helped with the decorating, he just honestly had no interest. D doesn't like Christmas music, so I didn't play it. He doesn't eat sweets (so I (mostly) didn't bake.) I remember last year I did make some cookies and he asked why. Duh, dummy, it's Christmas, you BAKE at Christmas. You give as gifts, or just enjoy, but you BAKE. My mom was notorious for baking dozens of cookies each Christmas, and my dad and I gladly ate them:) S was old enough to enjoy cookies last year, so I made them.

So this weekend, I'm going to CRANK up the Christmas music, BAKE the crap out of some cookies, and enjoy my kids. And I am so excited to get to do it. S is SO excited for Christmas, although the twins don't "get" it yet. Last year I was excited for S to experience Christmas, this year I am excited to experience it, for the first time in a long time, how I was raised. I should preface this by saying that D NEVER said "we can't do this or that," but I always put his feelings/needs above my own.

And gosh, this time last year, wow. What a place I was in. It was probably almost exactly a year to the day that D agreed to go to treatment the day after Christmas. I remember feeling a sense of relief, but knew in my heart it would be short lived.

Interestingly enough, after I told my parents about him moving out, my mom mentioned to me that she and my sister noted that I did not act happy last Christmas. I was short, and clearly not happy, and sometimes even mean in things I said to D.

I'm curious what Sunday night will bring. D's brother and family are coming in town to have our Christmas dinner.  I've really stood my ground in regards to that situation. For decades, it's been their families tradition to have a very classic, elegant sit down dinner, with multiple forks and glasses, etc. After their grandmother died, D's mom picked up the tradition. After she died, it was on us. This past weekend, M asked me if D was going to cook dinner. I just looked at him, thinking this is MY house. He's out of there finally, and I've worked hard to make it known that it's not his anymore. Why in the hell would I want him back in HIS kitchen, bitching about where I've put things, how late people are, and being an all around ass. So, I laid down the law and said that D was not cooking (and I don't cook). The verdict: we're ordering out:) I hated to be the one to break their tradition, but we'll have a nice dinner regardless and I guess traditions are made to be broken. I'm still incorporating a lot of their traditions, but there will not be a coursed meal (prepared by D).

I haven't talked to D since he left on Sunday. I'm not sure if this is the beginning of the end of him being a father, or if he is just generally binging and it's a coincidence. I assume he'll show on Sunday night, but God only knows what state he will be in.

I'm so lucky

I got the most random call from D's (ex) best friend today at work. His number didn't come up on the caller ID and I almost didn't answer. I was shocked to hear S on the other end. I haven't talked to him in over a year.  After the crap D pulled with S and his wife last year, I was embarrassed, and had no real reason to reach out to either of them on my own (in the absence of D). Plus, I was just done making excuses for D, and felt that's what was needed for me to reach out.

S made small talk at first, telling me he's taking his kids to Disney this Spring. Clearly, that wasn't the only reason he'd called. He finally asked about D, and our status. I told him we were legally separated and that D had been out of the house since mid-Feb. He wasn't shocked.

I told S ALOT more than I've told anyone else (excluding this blog). They'd been best friends since 8th grade. S bailed D out of ALOT of crap. Not as much as me, but close. Like me, S would have done anything for D, but D burned that bridge last fall.

Apparently D RSVPd to something that S is also going to this Sunday morning. I know without a fact that D won't show up, but S was nervous and anxious about possibly seeing him, not knowing what to  say.

We ended the convo with him saying that I have the endless support of both he and his wife.  Although it makes me feel good, I once again have that feeling that I've "tainted" D with another one of his friends. Reality is, he's done it himself. I know this, but it's still a crappy feeling.

But really, how lucky am I to have this wonderful support system. It amazes and humbles me, and I don't feel worthy of the amount of people that are cheering for me.

Later this afternoon, my boss came in to bring a holiday gift. She asked me how my 2013 has been (slightly tongue in cheek, as she knows most of my business). i told her that overall, it's been really great, and seems to be ending on a very positive note. Little did I EVER expect to be saying that 10 months ago. At that time, it seemed completely impossible and unmanageable.

She told me that I was strong and capable of accomplishing anything.

This has been such a wonderful holiday season in my house. The kids are playing, being messy, they're happy, we're listening to Christmas music as loudly as we want, lol. It's the most comfortable I think I've ever felt in this house. It's my house, they are my kids, and I am kicking the shit out of this single mom gig. Of course, tomorrow I'm sure I'll feel like I'm sinking again;)

back from Disney!!

S and I are back from our trip, but unfortunately that's not where my mind is today.

We did have a fabulous time. And there were times when I actually cried; realizing that 5 years ago, I wasn't even sure I'd be able to experience taking my child to this place. But as we walked in the gate, me pushing her stroller, I cried. Tears of happiness. Tears of thankfulness and gratefulness that I was getting to experience this with her, with ANY child.

She didn't mention D the entire time. It wasn't until we were flying home and she colored a picture for him, that she even said "daddy." I think that speaks volumes, and makes me so sad.

He flaked out before our trip, and after the incident on Friday night, did not come over on Sat or Sun. I'm certain he was binging.

On our flight down, S and I sat directly behind the general manager for our baseball team. I knew exactly who he was, and somehow I found the courage (this is NOT normally me, lol), to ask for a pic with him. Of course, he obliged. In a drunken stupor I'm sure, D saw the pic on FB one nigh and commented that "you are fucked if you took a boyfriend on a trip with my daughter." The comment was SO laughable. At first I thought he was so drunk that he did not recognize this guy. I was more pissed than anything that he thinks so little of me as a mother that I would ever take a boyfriend on a trip with my child. And then there's the issue of WTH business is it of his, anyway? It's NOT! I called him out on his comment, which is promptly deleted. I assumed he had realized who was in the pic with me.

When I questioned him about it this weekend, I realized he really didn't know who it was. This is shocking for D, a HUGE sports fan, and major fan of all STL sports. I honestly feel like there's some sort of brain issue going on. Like, things aren't functioning as they should. He's not making appropriate connections. It scared me. He said his comment was "drunk talk" and that it should be ignored.

He surprisingly showed up for S's b-day. I was shocked. I had invited him, of course, but honestly didn't expect him to show up. But he did. And he looked like hell. I mean really, like HELL. It didn't help at all, but I feel like it's b/c he COULDN'T help. He's been zapped of all life. Later than night I was talking to his brother, who said he saw D trying to up wrap a cupcake for C, and couldn't get the wrapper off b/c he was shaking so badly.

One of my best friends was at the party. She has lots of personal experience with alcoholism as well as being an addiction counselor in the past. She's told me on prior occasions that she's never seen anyone as sick as him. On Saturday, she told me that her heart hurt for him. Mine does too, but it hurts for my children more. This addiction is robbing them of a nurturing relationship with their father.

I have SUCH a hard time making the distinction of him vs the addiction. I know there are lots of people that look at him and see a "drunk." I get it. Trust me, I do. But I've also had the experience of D. When I think about D vs alcoholic, my heart does hurt for him, it does. But I'm getting to the point that I can barely look at him. I don't like him. I don't like what he represents. And that makes me so sad. He is a person that is being ravaged by this disease. No, it's not cancer, but it's still a disease and it's KILLING him.

I feel like I'm watching him die.  But I also struggle with just wanting to hate him. Hating him would be so much easier. It's the caring that zaps me of all energy.

He came over on Sunday. I knew he was drunk. But, he wasn't causing any issues, was entertaining the kids. I let him stay. After the twins went down for their nap, I asked if he'd take a test. He didn't hesitate. That's when I realized how drunk he really was. There's a time in his drunkeness that he will refuse a test b/c he know it'll be positive. But then, he crosses the line and gets that feeling of being indestructible. That's where he was on Sunday. He blew a .14, which means that when he first showed up he was twice the legal limit (although with his tolerance was only acting like someone who'd had 3 beers).

He immediately said the test wasn't accurate. Tried all sorts of illogical justifications. He eventually left. I told him i wanted to report him as a drunk driver. "Why would you do that to me?" And then, 10 secs later, "I can be in xx in 4 minutes or xx in 2 minutes" referring to a different municipality than the one I would report to. These are the situations in which I want to hate him. When S why he was leaving, he said "because sometimes I'm not a very good daddy."