First, the expected...a high school friend of D's texted me the morning after he deactivated his FB account, saying that he'd sent her a "miss you" e-mail on FB just a few hours before his account was deactivated. She's lost a sibling to suicide, and was concerned. She said she'd talked with a few of their mutual friends to try to get them to check on him, but all said that he was in a secure building and they couldn't get in. Cue contacting me. Long story short, I TOTALLY forgot that one of his childhood friends is a cop in the city that we live in. L (friend) had gotten DB (cop friend) to get a another cop to check on him, and was met with the same issue of not being able to get in the building.
So, DB called me on Thursday, asking what was going on. He was in our wedding, have seen him not even a handful of times since. D has always spoken highly of DB and his entire family so I honestly had no issues sharing some of what was going on with him, especially as a police officer. He told me that he'd tried to reach out to D several times, inviting him over for Thanksgiving, and D never responded. They saw each other at a hockey game a few years and go and D completely blew him off. They've always had the kind of relationship that they could just jump right in after a long hiatus, but even DB said it seemed like an effort in futility to try to remain in contact.
I still don't have a key to the outside of our condo building. I had to call the property manager, who manages multiple properties/tenants and tell him that D might not be in a good place, and I needed the cops to check on him. He was eager to help and told me that D had looked rough the last several times he'd seen him. I was shocked, given all he has to keep track of, that he even remembered, so it had to be bad.
I met him at the building. He opened the door for me, and I had to wait for the cops to come. They did, it took forever. D was there, he let them in, let them look around. They said there was no indication that he might hurt himself. He seemed very anxious. Which is normal for him. So that was that.
As I was sitting there waiting for them to come downstairs, I realized how fed up I was and how I DIDN'T want to be sitting there. I've done my time, right?
Earlier that day, I had driven over, trying to get a spare key from him, just so I could have it, since C lost mine. I sent him a few texts letting him know I was stopping by. Nothing. No response. And of course when I showed, he wouldn't answer to let me in, or bring the key down to me. I sent J a text when I was on my way there, just to let him know what i was doing. He immediately called me, begging me not to go. Telling me he was worried and didn't trust what D would do. He started crying. So, I stayed on the phone with him while I walked up to ring the buzzer so he'd have the peace of mind that I was ok. Then, I promised I'd never do it again.
I didn't hear from D all weekend. I texted today to ask if he was ok. He said yes he was and that I needed to take him off of my credit cards so that he can try and re-fi. He should have done this a year ago, per our separation agreement. The only reason he's doing it now is so that I don't have a say/connection to the condo. Fine, whatever. I DO need to take him off of the card, so I will do that. Then, he texts right back to say that he's about to have a heart attack and can he have Sierra back. I responded that if he was having a heart attack, he needed to go to the hospital. More than likely, it's an anxiety attack. I didn't mention Sierra at all.
And then the good...J and I took my kids and O to the pumpkin patch on Sat. Good GOD 4 kids is ALOT of work, especially at a place like that. S and C were both in rare form. There were several times that I heard J say "go with mommy. go with Stacey." He told me on Sunday that that had morphed into "go with Mommy Stacey", which is how he is referring to me now with O. Obviously, I'm not his mom, so J didn't want to throw him off by continuing to say mommy. I had heard him struggle with that throughout the day, so now I guess I'm Mommy Stacey:)
There has been no specific talk about future recently, and I'm ok with that. Things are good. But, still, I'm a female and I'm curious. And the fact that he has given this name for me, to his son, speaks volumes. Things are good:)
Monday, October 20, 2014
Monday, October 13, 2014
Well...
Drunk D strikes again.
I sent him a text Sunday, checking on him, asking if he went to psych appt, and if so what she did about the medicine he can no longer afford. He didn't respond.
Also, on Sunday, I posted a pic of me and J on FB. I should have known he'd lash out. I woke this morning to see a status update from him, saying something like "You get everything you want. The judge and the divorce decree said Sierra is mine. I still don't have my IRA money and that's illegal. Give me my dog or I'll see you in court."
My first instinct was to laugh...a huge change from my getting so instantly pissed that I wanted to throw my phone across the room. Progress, perhaps. I showed J. He pulled me over, sat me on his lap and just hugged me. I love him:)
I knew I'd respond, but I needed some time to pull together a response. I actually commented 3 separate times. and TRUST me, I thought of the repercussions (for him) in forming my response, but dude seriously, he's going to call me out like that and then expect me not to defend myself. My 1st response was something like:
Check the divorce papers. There is no mention of Sierra in there, and I was happy for you to have her, so long as you could take of her. However, you left her in your CAR for 21 hours, while you were in a bar. Due to circumstances associated with how much you drank, you left her in your car. Despite my best efforts of trying to contact you, via phone and text, you didn't tell me where she was. You COULDN'T respond? Fine. You could have let a hospital staff person tell me her whereabouts. We're lucky she's alive. You're lucky I didn't press animal cruelty charges. I'm happy to see you in court.
Comment 2: ps. It's been 18.5 weeks since you've seen your children.
Comment 3: Finally, re: the money. You're right. You do have an IRA that needs to be in your name. It got lost in the mess of changing accounts/transferring money. I realize it's legally yours. I also have to raise our 3 children for the next 18 years. I've done everything in my power to help you, more than any other sane person would have helped, including after we separated. For that reason alone, I thought you might take pity on me regarding the money.
I didn't tag him in my comments. I didn't want him alerted any sooner than needed that I had responded. I wanted his friends to see. I was pissed, but I was also so rational at the same time. I'm done wondering if it's the "right" thing to do, to respond to his posts so aggressively. I'm tired of babying him. He acts, he needs to expect a response to his action.
Anyway, he deactivated his FB account a few hours later. I'm struggling with this. It was the only way I had to keep track of him. Was the only way I knew he was in the hospital, and thus knew that I needed to worry about Sierra. Granted, I have her now, and so there's not much more I need to know about...but still.
I worry that this is the beginning of his end. He had already cut himself off from so many, and now he's essentially cut ties with everyone he knows. This scares me.
I expect that he'll possibly leave town.
On a different note, a more positive one...J and I ran a 10k on Sunday. This the furthest I've ever run. And he was right there with me:) He finished about 30 seconds before me, and ran up and hugged me and kissed me. And regardless of the sweaty pig that I was, he told me I was so beautiful.
And he continues to talk about the future. He mentioned last week that he had some plans for my basement, down the road...wanting to build two bedrooms down there. The unspoken was that one of those two rooms would be for O. He mentions dealing with the boys that will undoubtedly come, considering my two daughters. He's all in. I still have an inkling of worry that he'll change his mind, but I've tried to push it as far back as I can, and certainly am not letting it frame the relationship in anyway.
At least weekly, I have a convo with S that starts with her telling me that he spends more time with O than with us. I remind her that 1) he doesn't, and that 2) he is his daddy and wants to spend as much time with him as possible. She usually accepts this explanation, but this weekend took it a bit further and said "he's not O's daddy. He's OUR daddy." OMG. This was out of left field, coming from her, who tends to be more stand offish to J than my other two are. She has this internal struggle of wanting to dive in to a relationship with him (asking for hugs/playing) vs ignoring him and pretending like she doesn't care about him. Clearly, her own defense mechanism of being afraid of getting too close. I told her than no, J wasn't her daddy. That he was O's daddy, but that he liked spending time with us.
I sent him a text Sunday, checking on him, asking if he went to psych appt, and if so what she did about the medicine he can no longer afford. He didn't respond.
Also, on Sunday, I posted a pic of me and J on FB. I should have known he'd lash out. I woke this morning to see a status update from him, saying something like "You get everything you want. The judge and the divorce decree said Sierra is mine. I still don't have my IRA money and that's illegal. Give me my dog or I'll see you in court."
My first instinct was to laugh...a huge change from my getting so instantly pissed that I wanted to throw my phone across the room. Progress, perhaps. I showed J. He pulled me over, sat me on his lap and just hugged me. I love him:)
I knew I'd respond, but I needed some time to pull together a response. I actually commented 3 separate times. and TRUST me, I thought of the repercussions (for him) in forming my response, but dude seriously, he's going to call me out like that and then expect me not to defend myself. My 1st response was something like:
Check the divorce papers. There is no mention of Sierra in there, and I was happy for you to have her, so long as you could take of her. However, you left her in your CAR for 21 hours, while you were in a bar. Due to circumstances associated with how much you drank, you left her in your car. Despite my best efforts of trying to contact you, via phone and text, you didn't tell me where she was. You COULDN'T respond? Fine. You could have let a hospital staff person tell me her whereabouts. We're lucky she's alive. You're lucky I didn't press animal cruelty charges. I'm happy to see you in court.
Comment 2: ps. It's been 18.5 weeks since you've seen your children.
Comment 3: Finally, re: the money. You're right. You do have an IRA that needs to be in your name. It got lost in the mess of changing accounts/transferring money. I realize it's legally yours. I also have to raise our 3 children for the next 18 years. I've done everything in my power to help you, more than any other sane person would have helped, including after we separated. For that reason alone, I thought you might take pity on me regarding the money.
I didn't tag him in my comments. I didn't want him alerted any sooner than needed that I had responded. I wanted his friends to see. I was pissed, but I was also so rational at the same time. I'm done wondering if it's the "right" thing to do, to respond to his posts so aggressively. I'm tired of babying him. He acts, he needs to expect a response to his action.
Anyway, he deactivated his FB account a few hours later. I'm struggling with this. It was the only way I had to keep track of him. Was the only way I knew he was in the hospital, and thus knew that I needed to worry about Sierra. Granted, I have her now, and so there's not much more I need to know about...but still.
I worry that this is the beginning of his end. He had already cut himself off from so many, and now he's essentially cut ties with everyone he knows. This scares me.
I expect that he'll possibly leave town.
On a different note, a more positive one...J and I ran a 10k on Sunday. This the furthest I've ever run. And he was right there with me:) He finished about 30 seconds before me, and ran up and hugged me and kissed me. And regardless of the sweaty pig that I was, he told me I was so beautiful.
And he continues to talk about the future. He mentioned last week that he had some plans for my basement, down the road...wanting to build two bedrooms down there. The unspoken was that one of those two rooms would be for O. He mentions dealing with the boys that will undoubtedly come, considering my two daughters. He's all in. I still have an inkling of worry that he'll change his mind, but I've tried to push it as far back as I can, and certainly am not letting it frame the relationship in anyway.
At least weekly, I have a convo with S that starts with her telling me that he spends more time with O than with us. I remind her that 1) he doesn't, and that 2) he is his daddy and wants to spend as much time with him as possible. She usually accepts this explanation, but this weekend took it a bit further and said "he's not O's daddy. He's OUR daddy." OMG. This was out of left field, coming from her, who tends to be more stand offish to J than my other two are. She has this internal struggle of wanting to dive in to a relationship with him (asking for hugs/playing) vs ignoring him and pretending like she doesn't care about him. Clearly, her own defense mechanism of being afraid of getting too close. I told her than no, J wasn't her daddy. That he was O's daddy, but that he liked spending time with us.
Thursday, October 9, 2014
status quo, I suppose
Nothing too crazy to report. I've talked to D every other day or so. He's more and more clear and lucid, although I assume that's b/c he's out of Librium. We actually had a good discussion yesterday, and he gave me the ok to help him with his disability application. I've been wanting to, not to be in his business, but it's a hard system to navigate even when someone is mentally healthy. I made more progress in 20 minutes than he'd made in a year. Bottom line: it's not looking pretty. I spoke with a paralegal at a local firm who told me his application would be thrown out immediately b/c he is actively drinking. "They" want to see at least 6 months sobriety, in order to prove that the depression, mania, anxiety, PTSD is there in the absence of the drinking. It just really pisses me off. Alcoholism is a disease too, and at the very heart of it is the inability to stop. BUT, I do see the point of this stipulation also. 15 years ago, substance users needed only to prove that that was their dx. Now, it's not even. I have my MSW, as well as several of my friends. I cannot believe that between ALL of us, we did not know this.
So I called to tell him this. He said "well then I need to stop drinking." And I could FEEL us moving into that circular conversation where this is the topic, but no progress is made because we're talking, but not making decisions, or doing anything to move the issue forward. So frustrating, and I'm so glad that I don't have to worry about this every day. I suggested inpatient treatment. He shot it down saying he's done it before. I finally pulled the card in my back pocket. I told him that, right now, I didn't feel comfortable giving Sierra back to him. I don't feel like he can adequately take care of her. He didn't fight me. Maybe he expected it. Maybe he knows it himself. I was NOT as direct as I could have been, saying you are NOT getting her back. For good or bad, that's just not me. We ended the convo without any decisions of anything, his sobriety or the living arrangements of our dog. I feel that he's headed into another binge. My thoughts on him not getting Sierra are enough to send him there.
Prior to that convo we'd had another, in which he ended up hanging up on me. Again, we were talking about Sierra and I said I don't understand why she was with you that night. "I take her everywhere, you know that." "Why in the HELL would you take her to a fucking BAR." Hang up. His judgement, his logic, it's just not there. He either knows he F'd up, or just refuses to thinking hard enough about it to make that realization.
His bro has drafted guardianship papers. I reviewed, and they need some work. regardless, I'm not ready to file them yet, especially as I see his clarity returning. Taking ME out of the equation, I think it's a very important decision to all but take someone's rights away from them. M is worried about D's money. I have seen NO evidence that he is spending through money. Not to say that he won't, that's part of the mania...but to date, he's kept himself in check. I have no right to get control over it, nor does anyone else. I understand that M wants to make sure it's preserved as much as possible for our kids, I get that, but right now, it's not an immediate concern.
I talked to his psychiatrist last night. I had called a few days ago to discuss Sierra and the guardianship. she had limited knowledge of what happened to land him in the hospital, so I filled her in as best I could. I told her he hasn't seen his kids in 18 weeks. I told her I was struggling with what to do with Sierra. That I'd feel guilty if I gave her back and something happened, but I'd feel more guilty if I didn't give her back and something happened to him. Either way, I'm screwed, I think. As his doc, she obv couldn't give me any advice. We discussed guardianship. I told her that papers had been drafted but that I wasn't ready to move forward at this point. She did agree that if he keeps drinking, he will need a guardian to ensure that his basic needs are met, as his brain/body potentially start to fail him. It was good to talk to her. We have a very good relationship, always have, and i know she knows that my intentions in contacting her are good. We agreed that I would keep in touch if I needed.
J doesn't want me to give Sierra back. I get it. I GET IT. Poor guy. He told me yesterday that he thinks about D more than any other guy ever, and they've never even met. He WANTS to meet him. Actually wants to shake the shit out of him. Bless his heart, I really feel like the luckiest girl in the world for having met him. Anyhoo...it's interesting to hear his take on D and the situation, both broadly and specific to the latest incident. he understands why I would entertain giving her back. He understands my issue with the guilt. He said last night that he thinks whatever is going to happen with D is going to happen, regardless of if he has Sierra. Having her may prolong the inevitable, but what will be, will be. He thinks he's using her as a crutch. And I really liked that analogy! I asked him why I would possibly take a crutch away from someone who needed it. that's when we got to the point of prolonging the inevitable.
Last night, I remembered something D had mentioned in relation to Sierra. I had told him that she had adjusted well, after the first night of anxiety. that she's getting walks, and even going for runs with me or J (well, I didn't tell him the J part!). That she's fine with the kids, doesnt seem skittish ,etc. He said "I'm really surprised. When she would be there with me, she would tolerate the kids, and be ready to leave after an hour." I've ALWAYS said that he projected his own feelings on to her, and this was my proof. Because now, I've seen her for over a week in the absence of him and she's FINE. It's HIM who can only tolerate the kids for an hour and is ready to leave.
So I called to tell him this. He said "well then I need to stop drinking." And I could FEEL us moving into that circular conversation where this is the topic, but no progress is made because we're talking, but not making decisions, or doing anything to move the issue forward. So frustrating, and I'm so glad that I don't have to worry about this every day. I suggested inpatient treatment. He shot it down saying he's done it before. I finally pulled the card in my back pocket. I told him that, right now, I didn't feel comfortable giving Sierra back to him. I don't feel like he can adequately take care of her. He didn't fight me. Maybe he expected it. Maybe he knows it himself. I was NOT as direct as I could have been, saying you are NOT getting her back. For good or bad, that's just not me. We ended the convo without any decisions of anything, his sobriety or the living arrangements of our dog. I feel that he's headed into another binge. My thoughts on him not getting Sierra are enough to send him there.
Prior to that convo we'd had another, in which he ended up hanging up on me. Again, we were talking about Sierra and I said I don't understand why she was with you that night. "I take her everywhere, you know that." "Why in the HELL would you take her to a fucking BAR." Hang up. His judgement, his logic, it's just not there. He either knows he F'd up, or just refuses to thinking hard enough about it to make that realization.
His bro has drafted guardianship papers. I reviewed, and they need some work. regardless, I'm not ready to file them yet, especially as I see his clarity returning. Taking ME out of the equation, I think it's a very important decision to all but take someone's rights away from them. M is worried about D's money. I have seen NO evidence that he is spending through money. Not to say that he won't, that's part of the mania...but to date, he's kept himself in check. I have no right to get control over it, nor does anyone else. I understand that M wants to make sure it's preserved as much as possible for our kids, I get that, but right now, it's not an immediate concern.
I talked to his psychiatrist last night. I had called a few days ago to discuss Sierra and the guardianship. she had limited knowledge of what happened to land him in the hospital, so I filled her in as best I could. I told her he hasn't seen his kids in 18 weeks. I told her I was struggling with what to do with Sierra. That I'd feel guilty if I gave her back and something happened, but I'd feel more guilty if I didn't give her back and something happened to him. Either way, I'm screwed, I think. As his doc, she obv couldn't give me any advice. We discussed guardianship. I told her that papers had been drafted but that I wasn't ready to move forward at this point. She did agree that if he keeps drinking, he will need a guardian to ensure that his basic needs are met, as his brain/body potentially start to fail him. It was good to talk to her. We have a very good relationship, always have, and i know she knows that my intentions in contacting her are good. We agreed that I would keep in touch if I needed.
J doesn't want me to give Sierra back. I get it. I GET IT. Poor guy. He told me yesterday that he thinks about D more than any other guy ever, and they've never even met. He WANTS to meet him. Actually wants to shake the shit out of him. Bless his heart, I really feel like the luckiest girl in the world for having met him. Anyhoo...it's interesting to hear his take on D and the situation, both broadly and specific to the latest incident. he understands why I would entertain giving her back. He understands my issue with the guilt. He said last night that he thinks whatever is going to happen with D is going to happen, regardless of if he has Sierra. Having her may prolong the inevitable, but what will be, will be. He thinks he's using her as a crutch. And I really liked that analogy! I asked him why I would possibly take a crutch away from someone who needed it. that's when we got to the point of prolonging the inevitable.
Last night, I remembered something D had mentioned in relation to Sierra. I had told him that she had adjusted well, after the first night of anxiety. that she's getting walks, and even going for runs with me or J (well, I didn't tell him the J part!). That she's fine with the kids, doesnt seem skittish ,etc. He said "I'm really surprised. When she would be there with me, she would tolerate the kids, and be ready to leave after an hour." I've ALWAYS said that he projected his own feelings on to her, and this was my proof. Because now, I've seen her for over a week in the absence of him and she's FINE. It's HIM who can only tolerate the kids for an hour and is ready to leave.
Thursday, October 2, 2014
he's so incredibly sick
I got a call from D at 7 this morning, telling me he'd be discharged today. If I hadn't known it was him, I would not have guessed it. they have him pumped full of so many meds.
I picked him up about 1:15. I was instantly blown away by how sick he looked. The nurse had to help him get in the car.
What I now know about Saturday night: he remembers drinking at the bar, then he remembers waking up in an ambulance (there's also a bit of knowledge of being about 100 feet from his car, so he apparently collapsed in the parking lot), and then waking again at the ER. He heard someone say "he's seizing." It took 18 IV bags to get him hydrated. He many have had a small heart attack in the ambulance.
Since his collapse, balance has been an issue. He can't walk without holding on to something. He has orders for PT to visit him at his house to help him figure out how to navigate stairs. He was told he shouldn't be living alone. He needs someone to help him.
fuck fuck fuck
He's not processing anything.
He said "I can't wait to see the kiddos, " as if he'd just been away for a few days (not 18 weeks). I looked at him, trying to understand what that statement meant. I truly think he has no idea how long it's been. I think days have blurred to weeks, to months. My bitterness about that subsided a little. So so sick.
The "easy" part of this, for me, was that he did not ask for Sierra. And now, I have his physical issues to argue why he shouldn't have her. He can barely walk/get up the stairs, which means that her trips outside will be less than they already were.
After he told me about this issue with the stairs, I asked if it was ok if I made sure he made it to condo ok, since he lives on 3rd floor. He was fine it. We pulled out of lot, and should have gone left to get to the condo. Instead he went right, so I followed. I thought at first he was going to stop by the store, but he passed that, and got closer and closer to my house, which made me anxious. Did he think he was going to get Sierra? Finally, at a stoplight I jumped out of the car and ran up to his to ask where he was going. He looked at me blankly and said "I have no idea." I told him to turn around and I'd follow, which he did. Getting up the stairs was slow, but manageable, especially since there's a substantial railing to hold on to.
We got inside and I reminded him that I'd been there Sun night. He had no recollection. I asked him if he knew he was a "silent patient." He had no memory of making that request, although in a drunken stupor I'm sure he did. I politely asked if something happened in the future, would he please give the ok to keep me informed and he said yes. I asked if he'd check in via text, letting me know he was ok, and he said yes.
I'm desperately afraid he's going to die, on a combo of lithium and alcohol. I didn't even broach the drinking topic. There was no point, and quite frankly I'm tired of it. All I can see in my head is that huge glass of white wine that was still on the coffee table from Sat night, and the watered down rum and coke still in his fridge. He doesn't even need to leave the condo to get alcohol back in his system.
I've already touched base with his brother about getting a guardian appointed. I'm the most likely candidate, and the one he'd most likely be ok with holding that role. I'm waiting on a call from M to see what that means for me. Are we jumping the gun with this? Part of me says yes, but the other part feels like he needs it to keep him safe.
he is disintegrating in front of my eyes.
I picked him up about 1:15. I was instantly blown away by how sick he looked. The nurse had to help him get in the car.
What I now know about Saturday night: he remembers drinking at the bar, then he remembers waking up in an ambulance (there's also a bit of knowledge of being about 100 feet from his car, so he apparently collapsed in the parking lot), and then waking again at the ER. He heard someone say "he's seizing." It took 18 IV bags to get him hydrated. He many have had a small heart attack in the ambulance.
Since his collapse, balance has been an issue. He can't walk without holding on to something. He has orders for PT to visit him at his house to help him figure out how to navigate stairs. He was told he shouldn't be living alone. He needs someone to help him.
fuck fuck fuck
He's not processing anything.
He said "I can't wait to see the kiddos, " as if he'd just been away for a few days (not 18 weeks). I looked at him, trying to understand what that statement meant. I truly think he has no idea how long it's been. I think days have blurred to weeks, to months. My bitterness about that subsided a little. So so sick.
The "easy" part of this, for me, was that he did not ask for Sierra. And now, I have his physical issues to argue why he shouldn't have her. He can barely walk/get up the stairs, which means that her trips outside will be less than they already were.
After he told me about this issue with the stairs, I asked if it was ok if I made sure he made it to condo ok, since he lives on 3rd floor. He was fine it. We pulled out of lot, and should have gone left to get to the condo. Instead he went right, so I followed. I thought at first he was going to stop by the store, but he passed that, and got closer and closer to my house, which made me anxious. Did he think he was going to get Sierra? Finally, at a stoplight I jumped out of the car and ran up to his to ask where he was going. He looked at me blankly and said "I have no idea." I told him to turn around and I'd follow, which he did. Getting up the stairs was slow, but manageable, especially since there's a substantial railing to hold on to.
We got inside and I reminded him that I'd been there Sun night. He had no recollection. I asked him if he knew he was a "silent patient." He had no memory of making that request, although in a drunken stupor I'm sure he did. I politely asked if something happened in the future, would he please give the ok to keep me informed and he said yes. I asked if he'd check in via text, letting me know he was ok, and he said yes.
I'm desperately afraid he's going to die, on a combo of lithium and alcohol. I didn't even broach the drinking topic. There was no point, and quite frankly I'm tired of it. All I can see in my head is that huge glass of white wine that was still on the coffee table from Sat night, and the watered down rum and coke still in his fridge. He doesn't even need to leave the condo to get alcohol back in his system.
I've already touched base with his brother about getting a guardian appointed. I'm the most likely candidate, and the one he'd most likely be ok with holding that role. I'm waiting on a call from M to see what that means for me. Are we jumping the gun with this? Part of me says yes, but the other part feels like he needs it to keep him safe.
he is disintegrating in front of my eyes.
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
emotional
Probably goes without saying that this entire situation has me so emotional. I'm so angry at D right now, but at the same time so sad, worried, anxious, etc.
Other than his condo (which legally he still shares with me), he really has nothing left to lose at this point. Nothing. And yes, I understand it's his fault, and it's only through choice that he's made that he's in the situation, but I'm sad for him. I wonder if he's sad, or worried, or anxious. Probably all.
I called and he's still in the hospital, still a "silent" patient. I have to imagine he's off observation, and probably on a psych unit. It's where he needs to be, but god it must be lonely. And I hate this for him. I hate that he was dealt such a shitty hand and he couldn't overcome it.
Is this his bottom? Finally? I've thought I've seen it so many other times but I didn't. But is this it. Can he finally get his shit together and start climbing the ladder to sobriety, and happiness, and productivity?
After his last inpatient treatment (from which he relapsed 6 days later), I remember him telling me that all he could think about was alcohol and how much he wanted a drink. Is that what he's thinking now? Or is he thinking about his children, or his dog? Or is he thinking that he has nothing left? Or is that all too painful and he's trying not to think at all? Is he just going through the motions, participating in groups and telling a social worker what she wants to hear, just biding his time until he can get out.
I don't plan on giving Sierra back to him, unless, like I said, he REALLY proves himself, and I've yet to come up with a definition of what that means. I'm so afraid that if he doesn't get her back, that will be it for him. I thought getting a divorce would send him over the edge. If he doesn't get her back, I wouldn't be shocked at whatever he chooses to do. And I would feel responsible.
I dread the convo telling him he can't have her. dread it.
Other than his condo (which legally he still shares with me), he really has nothing left to lose at this point. Nothing. And yes, I understand it's his fault, and it's only through choice that he's made that he's in the situation, but I'm sad for him. I wonder if he's sad, or worried, or anxious. Probably all.
I called and he's still in the hospital, still a "silent" patient. I have to imagine he's off observation, and probably on a psych unit. It's where he needs to be, but god it must be lonely. And I hate this for him. I hate that he was dealt such a shitty hand and he couldn't overcome it.
Is this his bottom? Finally? I've thought I've seen it so many other times but I didn't. But is this it. Can he finally get his shit together and start climbing the ladder to sobriety, and happiness, and productivity?
After his last inpatient treatment (from which he relapsed 6 days later), I remember him telling me that all he could think about was alcohol and how much he wanted a drink. Is that what he's thinking now? Or is he thinking about his children, or his dog? Or is he thinking that he has nothing left? Or is that all too painful and he's trying not to think at all? Is he just going through the motions, participating in groups and telling a social worker what she wants to hear, just biding his time until he can get out.
I don't plan on giving Sierra back to him, unless, like I said, he REALLY proves himself, and I've yet to come up with a definition of what that means. I'm so afraid that if he doesn't get her back, that will be it for him. I thought getting a divorce would send him over the edge. If he doesn't get her back, I wouldn't be shocked at whatever he chooses to do. And I would feel responsible.
I dread the convo telling him he can't have her. dread it.
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
in the hospital
New drama...
things have been pretty status quo lately, so even though there has been minimal craziness (both good and bad), I've neglected to post. Now though...we have some serious drama.
D did a FB check-in at a local music venue on Sat night, about 12:30. Then, 3 hours later, did another check-in at the local hospital. He's no stranger to checking in at the ER, mostly for attention, I believe. But, this one just made me think twice. I didn't see these check-ins until Sunday morning. About 1 pm, I decided to call the hospital. They were able to tell he was there, but referred to him as a "silent patient" telling me they couldn't give me any info. I started to get anxious, so sent his brother (also an attorney) a text, who then called and tried to get more info, but couldn't. D's phone was off.
About 3, I realized that Sierra (our dog, living with him), was going to need help. I sent him a text, which was delivered, so his phone was back on. I asked if he was in the hospital, no response. I told him if I didn't hear from him, I was going to pick her up. No response.
I started calling J, who I hadn't talked with that day, since he was home with his son. HIS freaking phone was off. I gave it an hour, tried again. Still off. I started calling every 15 minutes. Compulsive, I know, but I couldn't stop. I sent him an e-mail. No response. I NEEDED him to go with me to pick up Sierra. I was afraid what I would find in our condo. I didn't want to go by myself.
Thankfully, I was able to find a sitter, who I asked to come over at 7, thinking surely J would be at my house by then. She ended up coming early, about 6, and I STILL hadn't talked with J. Phone still off. I was actually pretty pissed at him, although didn't have much reason. He finally called a bit after sitter got there. He said his phone charger had been in his car, and he and O had hung out inside all day. He was ridiculously apologetic, but I was so upset, with him and the situation in general, that I pretty much hung up on him.
So, I called the hospital again, confirming D was still there (and that it was safe for me to go to condo). I got there, and Sierra wasn't there. I texted D, asking him where she was. No response. What the FUCK. WHERE was my dog? His car was gone also.
I went home, completely baffled. Where was she? Sitter is actually a friend, and her husband is a cop., who happened to be on duty. She called him, and we were able to figure out that no paperwork had been filed on D or his car from the night before. I don't even remember why it was important, but friend suggested I call the hospital again and find out how he was transported there. Did he drive himself, go by ambulance, police, etc.
I was again met with "he's a silent patient." I finally had the clarity to ask what that meant. It means that either he or his dr had given orders that he was not to have visitors, talk to anyone, or let anyone know he was there. I explained the situation, that I was trying to find my dog. I told her I didn't want any info on him, just to know how he had gotten there so I might get a clue where my dog might be. I mentioned the ER and she said "oh, he came through the ER? they might have more info" so she transferred me. A very angry nurse answered the phone, informing me that her shift of staff had only been there an hour. I again relayed my story...trying to find my dog. She took pity on me and looked him up "oh yes, here's here, hold on." the next person to answer the phone answered "observation." that's when it all made sense to me. At this hospital, they have an observation unit within the ER, for mentally ill patients. Things became more clear. I explained my story again, and that I didn't want to know anything about him, only how he had gotten there. She transferred me again and I swear the phone rang for 5 minutes. Finally, someone answered and I spit out the story AGAIN. I could tell she put her hand on the receiver so I couldn't hear, and then I heard him. "Tell her to look behind the Pageant (bar he had been at), and my car is there." Then, I screamed "and my dog is in the fucking CAR?" The tech/nurse was clearly upset by the situation, but simply said yes. I told her I needed the car key, and how could I get it. She let me know if I came to the ER she would get it to me.
About that time, J called to say he was on his way, asking how he could help. I told him what was going on and then HE lost it.
Sierra had been in that car since at least 12:30 am, and by this time, it was after 8 pm. Neither of us discussed worst case scenario. He told me he'd go to the car, and that I should go to ER to pick up key. I asked what the point was of him going to car and he said he'd bust the window. I told him that made absolutely no sense whatsoever. He was at my house within 5 minutes and off we went.
When I got to ER the nurse went back to get key, told me he didn't want to see me. Fine with me.
J and I were both on edge during the short drive to his car. We found it, pulled up next to it and nothing. You could feel the freaking tension, and then suddenly my sweet girl's head popped up in the window. Luckily, he'd had the sense to crack the windows. Also luckily, I don't think it broke 80 degrees that day.
So now, I have inherited my dog back. He is going to have to prove himself ALOT, and I'm not sure he can do it, if he has a chance in hell of getting her back. i tongue in cheek joked with J that this might give him incentive to come see his children.
So, the mystery is still unsolved. He drove his car to the bar, which was actually within (far) walking distance of condo. He took her with him. Guessing maybe, that he expected to have a drink or two and leave...but why take her at all? He clearly was taken by police or ambulance, since his car was there. Bar fight that needed medical attention? BUT, if he was as drunk as he was to take her to the bar, he was in no shape to fight so that's probably not it. passed out, hit the floor, they called 911? Also guessing that his BAC was so incredibly high that they refused to let him go home. Most likely being detoxed as we speak. When I heard him Sun night he had that voice of being sober, (which I haven't heard in FOREVER) and knowing that he was in a shit load of trouble. I've heard it many time.
I still have his car key, and condo keys, so he will have to let me know when he is discharged.
So, that's that.
Friday, August 29, 2014
Divorced
I was sitting at work, minding my own business on Wednesday afternoon, when an email from my attorney popped up.
"Judge R entered the Judgment of Dissolution today, so you are officially divorced."
Just like that, it was done. Just like that, I started sobbing, a nasty, ugly cry. I'm sure people could hear me outside of my office. I couldn't stop the tears. They weren't tears of happiness, or even relief. I was so, SO sad. Despite my STRONG desire to end the marriage, it was still so sad. The loss of a marriage, the loss of a family, the loss of dreams that we had always talked about, places we wanted to visit, where we thought we'd be in 5 years/10 years. It was all gone. All of it. And shared memories...the days our children were born, relatives deceased (his mom and grandmother, 3 of my grandparents), that any significant other that comes after will never know. Hell, there's a picture of us the day we got married, with both sets of my grandparents. It's so special to me, and I can never hang it on the wall again. A picture of him and his mom at our wedding that is wonderful, that was banished to a drawer along with other wedding memories a year and a half ago. I'll keep those for our kids, of course, but it still hurts to know that that part of my/our life, is over.
And, I've moved into a new category. I can't check "married" anymore, or even "single." I'm divorced. I don't care really, makes no difference. I don't think one is any better than the other. But still, a new category.
After I collected myself a bit, I started writing him a letter, but the tears started coming again, so much I couldn't even see the screen. But, I will finish the letter, and send to him. I don't know if he'll read it. But, it will make me feel better. I want him to know I don't think he's a bad person. I know at one time he knew that, but I fear that in his distorted view of everything, he may have forgotten. I want to remind him that he will always be welcome in our children's lives, so long as he is sober. If it's not for 5 years, so be it. But i want him to know that it's ok to contact me to see them.
I still love him as a person, as the father of my children. If not for him, I wouldn't have the exact 3 that I do. And they are the kids I was meant to have, I firmly believe that. I want the best for him, and if he ever asked for my help, I would jump to give it.
I think it was a year and eight months ago that I first talked with a therapist about all of this. Even then, I knew in a very small corner of my brain what I wanted the end result to be, I just needed someone to help. I knew I was not meant to be with him for the rest of my life. It didn't feel good anymore, and hadn't for years, to be honest. As I told her my story, she slowly encouraged me to walk down the path that would lead to this day. I fought it at times, but I got here. I ALWAYS said that before I even made the first move toward divorce that I wanted to know that I tried everything to save our marriage (which essentially meant trying everything that I could to save him). I honestly feel like I did. I have no regrets about that, no "what if we'd tried this or done that." Knowing that brings me some peace in this.
"Judge R entered the Judgment of Dissolution today, so you are officially divorced."
Just like that, it was done. Just like that, I started sobbing, a nasty, ugly cry. I'm sure people could hear me outside of my office. I couldn't stop the tears. They weren't tears of happiness, or even relief. I was so, SO sad. Despite my STRONG desire to end the marriage, it was still so sad. The loss of a marriage, the loss of a family, the loss of dreams that we had always talked about, places we wanted to visit, where we thought we'd be in 5 years/10 years. It was all gone. All of it. And shared memories...the days our children were born, relatives deceased (his mom and grandmother, 3 of my grandparents), that any significant other that comes after will never know. Hell, there's a picture of us the day we got married, with both sets of my grandparents. It's so special to me, and I can never hang it on the wall again. A picture of him and his mom at our wedding that is wonderful, that was banished to a drawer along with other wedding memories a year and a half ago. I'll keep those for our kids, of course, but it still hurts to know that that part of my/our life, is over.
And, I've moved into a new category. I can't check "married" anymore, or even "single." I'm divorced. I don't care really, makes no difference. I don't think one is any better than the other. But still, a new category.
After I collected myself a bit, I started writing him a letter, but the tears started coming again, so much I couldn't even see the screen. But, I will finish the letter, and send to him. I don't know if he'll read it. But, it will make me feel better. I want him to know I don't think he's a bad person. I know at one time he knew that, but I fear that in his distorted view of everything, he may have forgotten. I want to remind him that he will always be welcome in our children's lives, so long as he is sober. If it's not for 5 years, so be it. But i want him to know that it's ok to contact me to see them.
I still love him as a person, as the father of my children. If not for him, I wouldn't have the exact 3 that I do. And they are the kids I was meant to have, I firmly believe that. I want the best for him, and if he ever asked for my help, I would jump to give it.
I think it was a year and eight months ago that I first talked with a therapist about all of this. Even then, I knew in a very small corner of my brain what I wanted the end result to be, I just needed someone to help. I knew I was not meant to be with him for the rest of my life. It didn't feel good anymore, and hadn't for years, to be honest. As I told her my story, she slowly encouraged me to walk down the path that would lead to this day. I fought it at times, but I got here. I ALWAYS said that before I even made the first move toward divorce that I wanted to know that I tried everything to save our marriage (which essentially meant trying everything that I could to save him). I honestly feel like I did. I have no regrets about that, no "what if we'd tried this or done that." Knowing that brings me some peace in this.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)