It's done. Not final, but it sure felt final. I was on a mission as a walked in, but of course there was something else wrong with the paperwork. Apparently, in MO, there is no official "separation" paperwork, so the mediator had used dissolution of marriage paperwork. The clerk made me scratch out every instance of dissolution and write "legal separation" next to it. Nothing like rubbing my nose in anything.
Finally got the window, everything was in order and she starting running everything through a machine to stamp it. The sound of that damn machine kept getting louder and louder, and with it, I could here my marriage disintegrating. It was horrible. I got teary eyed, but never actually cried. On the way out, I started cursing D again. That seemed to help a bit, but just made me so angry.
I came back to work and was doing fine and then a stupid song came on my internet radio and I lost it. I actually walked over to my shelves where one of our wedding day pictures has been lying face down for months. I picked it up, looked at it, STARED at it, and just started bawling. Even looking at the date stamp on the picture got to me. FUCKER. I kept saying to myself, how am I to this point. Did I have ANY idea 10 years ago that I would be HERE. WHY couldn't he love me, love US, more than the alcohol. Why couldn't he grow up and outgrow it, like just about every other person I know? WHY? It's just not right. It's wrong. I just put my head down and sobbed. And then, when I was finally ready to look up, I looked straight at the pictures of my children. And I smiled. Because they make me smile, make me happy, something D has not been able to do in a very long time. I realized that THEY are why I'm here right now. They are the only thing that's keeping me going right now.
Monday, July 29, 2013
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Anger
So mad, I've been silently fuming all day. I woke up this morning to see a post that a friend posted on FB last night. She's a friend of ours (knew D in high school), and also our financial advisor. She has a 17 year old daughter that babysits occasionally. D and I have both noticed her daughter texting while we're there, but I've never said anything. I probably should, that's the passive person in me, but my kids are clean and cared for when she's there, and they LOVE her. Her time at my house is minimal anyway.
Anyhoo, friend posted last night that "E needs a job since she's digging through the couch cushions for change right now." D responded the first time about maybe if she'd worry more about diaper changing than texting that maybe she would have a more permanent gig with us. Then, later on in the succession of posts he chimed in again that E seems less than interested to be there, since she texts all the time. Friend didn't respond to either post of D's.
I'm angry for SO many reasons. First and foremost, who's HE to critique someone elses babysitting skills Mr. I left my children ALONE. Second, he does not have a say in who I get to babysit. If he wanted a say, he should have stepped it up a long time ago. Third, he messaged me before I left work yesterday, saying "I'm sick as a dog. Not coming over. Will revisit tomorrow." Um, what excuse me? Sick as a dog, but CLEARLY drunk when he posted that last night, and able to play on FB? Couldn't be THAT sick.
I just absolutely hate that I feel like I have to pick up the pieces of this. Friend hasn't called me or questioned me about it, and in fact E will be babysitting for a few hours tomorrow afternoon. I WON'T pick up the pieces. I'll direct her to him if she has questions. He's just an ass. WHEN will he understand that he has to deal with the consequences of what he says/does while drinking?
The entire situation has made me anxious, but nearly as anxious as I've been in the past.
I felt the sudden STRONG urge to say something on FB this morning, so all of his friends could see him for what he really is. As my good friend C said today, if the friends know you both, they most likely have some idea of what's going on.
In good news, I re-fi'd yesterday. My house is officially in MY name only. Guess that means I'm an adult:)
Anyhoo, friend posted last night that "E needs a job since she's digging through the couch cushions for change right now." D responded the first time about maybe if she'd worry more about diaper changing than texting that maybe she would have a more permanent gig with us. Then, later on in the succession of posts he chimed in again that E seems less than interested to be there, since she texts all the time. Friend didn't respond to either post of D's.
I'm angry for SO many reasons. First and foremost, who's HE to critique someone elses babysitting skills Mr. I left my children ALONE. Second, he does not have a say in who I get to babysit. If he wanted a say, he should have stepped it up a long time ago. Third, he messaged me before I left work yesterday, saying "I'm sick as a dog. Not coming over. Will revisit tomorrow." Um, what excuse me? Sick as a dog, but CLEARLY drunk when he posted that last night, and able to play on FB? Couldn't be THAT sick.
I just absolutely hate that I feel like I have to pick up the pieces of this. Friend hasn't called me or questioned me about it, and in fact E will be babysitting for a few hours tomorrow afternoon. I WON'T pick up the pieces. I'll direct her to him if she has questions. He's just an ass. WHEN will he understand that he has to deal with the consequences of what he says/does while drinking?
The entire situation has made me anxious, but nearly as anxious as I've been in the past.
I felt the sudden STRONG urge to say something on FB this morning, so all of his friends could see him for what he really is. As my good friend C said today, if the friends know you both, they most likely have some idea of what's going on.
In good news, I re-fi'd yesterday. My house is officially in MY name only. Guess that means I'm an adult:)
Monday, July 15, 2013
what is that look on your face?
D showed up on time yesterday, drunk. At least enough so that he refused a breathlyzer, which he has never done.
I took the babies out for some fun yesterday morning, timing it so we'd get home about that same time that he was (supposed to) arrive. Ironically, I pulled up to a stop light just a few cars away from his, and watched him pull into the drugstore. Hmmm...my radar went off immediately. He arrived about 30 minutes later, with a bag from the store, so at least I knew that he had gone in for something other than just alcohol.
After a brief convo, and watching him interact with the kids I went to get the breathalyzer. He took it, turned it over and over in his hands a few times, and said "I'm not gonna pass it. I won't take it." My response was to tell him that he needed to leave. I didn't push him out the door. It was lunchtime by then and he stayed long enough to watch the babies eat. Didn't do a damn thing to help, but why would he. He finally told S he was going to go. She didn't question, but did walk him to his car like she always does. Then, as usual, she ran inside and ran to the window so she could watch him pull away. I don't know. Something in her face, her expression as she looked out the window just brought me to tears. I could tell she was upset, but she was trying hard not to be, or at least not to let it show.
She walked back to the kitchen, where I was FIGHTING to hide my tears and said "mommy, what is that look on your face?" I just let it go at that point. I want her to know it's ok to cry, and be sad, and that I'm sad too. Now granted, I'm sad for HER, not sad for me, but we don't need to go there, lol. I grabbed her, and hugged her, and asked if she was ok. She said no, that she didn't want daddy to go. I told her that I know she didn't, and it's ok to be sad.
A bit later, we were lying in my bed resting while the babies were napping. She said "you don't have that look on your face anymore." Damn, smart, intuitive girl. "No baby. I feel better now. How are you?" She told me she was still sad, and missed daddy.
Last night, as we were getting ready for bed she asked me why daddy didn't stay that day. I said "I don't know. I guess he had other things to do." She said "no. that's not what happened." UM,huh, what?! I asked her what happened and she said "you asked daddy to do something and he didn't do it, and you told him to leave." Dear lord. This could snowball so many different ways. Her thinking she has to listen to EVERY little thing I say or I'm going to send her away. Her thinking I'm the bad guy telling daddy to leave. etc, etc.
It's hard to be here, and this point, with her. I will NOT talk badly about him to her, I just won't. At the same time, it seems like she may be ready for more "truth" than I thought. This is so hard.
I took the babies out for some fun yesterday morning, timing it so we'd get home about that same time that he was (supposed to) arrive. Ironically, I pulled up to a stop light just a few cars away from his, and watched him pull into the drugstore. Hmmm...my radar went off immediately. He arrived about 30 minutes later, with a bag from the store, so at least I knew that he had gone in for something other than just alcohol.
After a brief convo, and watching him interact with the kids I went to get the breathalyzer. He took it, turned it over and over in his hands a few times, and said "I'm not gonna pass it. I won't take it." My response was to tell him that he needed to leave. I didn't push him out the door. It was lunchtime by then and he stayed long enough to watch the babies eat. Didn't do a damn thing to help, but why would he. He finally told S he was going to go. She didn't question, but did walk him to his car like she always does. Then, as usual, she ran inside and ran to the window so she could watch him pull away. I don't know. Something in her face, her expression as she looked out the window just brought me to tears. I could tell she was upset, but she was trying hard not to be, or at least not to let it show.
She walked back to the kitchen, where I was FIGHTING to hide my tears and said "mommy, what is that look on your face?" I just let it go at that point. I want her to know it's ok to cry, and be sad, and that I'm sad too. Now granted, I'm sad for HER, not sad for me, but we don't need to go there, lol. I grabbed her, and hugged her, and asked if she was ok. She said no, that she didn't want daddy to go. I told her that I know she didn't, and it's ok to be sad.
A bit later, we were lying in my bed resting while the babies were napping. She said "you don't have that look on your face anymore." Damn, smart, intuitive girl. "No baby. I feel better now. How are you?" She told me she was still sad, and missed daddy.
Last night, as we were getting ready for bed she asked me why daddy didn't stay that day. I said "I don't know. I guess he had other things to do." She said "no. that's not what happened." UM,huh, what?! I asked her what happened and she said "you asked daddy to do something and he didn't do it, and you told him to leave." Dear lord. This could snowball so many different ways. Her thinking she has to listen to EVERY little thing I say or I'm going to send her away. Her thinking I'm the bad guy telling daddy to leave. etc, etc.
It's hard to be here, and this point, with her. I will NOT talk badly about him to her, I just won't. At the same time, it seems like she may be ready for more "truth" than I thought. This is so hard.
Monday, July 8, 2013
Plan foiled
I tried to file on Friday afternoon. Lawyer friend S was in town, and went with me for moral support (and a bit of friendly legal assistance). One of the "exhibits" was not notarized, so I couldn't file. That's now been taken care of and I need to find the time to get back and do it. My first attempt at it though confirmed that I have everything else in place, so hopefully 2nd time around is the winner.
D is...D. Can we talk about denial (again)? Just yesterday, he said "maybe when they're older we can take then to Costa Rica." Um, HUH? Yes, that's just want I want to do. Take a "family" trip with my alcoholic ex. I don't understand his logic. Does he really think that I'm currently living my dream life, single mom to 3 kids, with a less than part time dad in the picture? What will he do when I get to the point of being ready to date? It feels like he thinks this is the way it's going to be forever, and I won't want to move on.
I didn't post about a HUGE incident that happened two weekends ago. I didn't have it in me until now. He had come over that Friday night, drunk. Not drunk to the world, but drunk to me. Very short, very on edge, very confrontational. I didn't send him home. Why? I need to work on this. I'm working on boundaries with my 3 year old, I need to work on boundaries with her 44 year old father. He finally left, after being there about 2 hours, saying he'd be back at 10 am.
He didn't show up at 10. The pissy side of me always hopes he'll be late, just so I can complain about it. But, under normal circumstances he's never late. 11, 12, 1 pm passed. At that point, I refused to call him. I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing I was at the very least curious, at the very worst, concerned. I never heard from him. Went to bed about 11 pm, extremely worried. I was at the point of starting to think the worst. jail, hospital, dead. In his world, those are all very real possibilities. I thought about what I would tell S, if any of those situations might have been true. I finally called him about 8:30 am on Sunday. No answer. I packed up the twins (S was with my parents that weekend), and started to drive to the condo. I called from the car, halfway there, and he answered. I was livid. LIVID. SEETHING.
Thank the lord S was not in the car because I could NOT hold back. He told me he "flaked out." I told him I was ready to call the cops to do a welfare check on him. I don't remember most of what I said, except that several times I said "THIS is why you need therapy. THIS is why you don't live with us anymore. You're SICK and you need help." The idea that he can just check out when he wants to is just more than I can understand. I don't understand how he thinks it's ok. AND, that he just so easily attributes it to mental illness, once again taking the responsibility off of himself.
The next day he stopped by my work to drop off some papers. We talked. He told me he quit taking his meds. I wonder if it's true. It's the first time I've ever wondered if it's true, or if he just uses it as an excuse to completely lose control. I told him that he needed to pick 2-3 days a week to come over each weekday evening. He is to tell me those days on Sunday each week. I know him so well, I think this will help. WHY am I trying to help? I feel like if he thinks of it more as a job (for lack of a better word), then he will be more apt to stick to his schedule. I also told him that he is no longer allowed to discipline S. That little girl is really mixed up right now, as evidenced by her behaviors. She needs consistent discipline, not the "threat" of time out. I've learned recently that she is "strong willed." She fits all characteristics. As such, she needs strong boundaries set for her, and someone who can discipline her if she tests those boundaries. But, that's a story for another day. I'm her primary caregiver, I will do the disciplining. Besides, he just usually ends up in a "dance" with her, with him getting pissed and her getting her way. Not good.
D is...D. Can we talk about denial (again)? Just yesterday, he said "maybe when they're older we can take then to Costa Rica." Um, HUH? Yes, that's just want I want to do. Take a "family" trip with my alcoholic ex. I don't understand his logic. Does he really think that I'm currently living my dream life, single mom to 3 kids, with a less than part time dad in the picture? What will he do when I get to the point of being ready to date? It feels like he thinks this is the way it's going to be forever, and I won't want to move on.
I didn't post about a HUGE incident that happened two weekends ago. I didn't have it in me until now. He had come over that Friday night, drunk. Not drunk to the world, but drunk to me. Very short, very on edge, very confrontational. I didn't send him home. Why? I need to work on this. I'm working on boundaries with my 3 year old, I need to work on boundaries with her 44 year old father. He finally left, after being there about 2 hours, saying he'd be back at 10 am.
He didn't show up at 10. The pissy side of me always hopes he'll be late, just so I can complain about it. But, under normal circumstances he's never late. 11, 12, 1 pm passed. At that point, I refused to call him. I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing I was at the very least curious, at the very worst, concerned. I never heard from him. Went to bed about 11 pm, extremely worried. I was at the point of starting to think the worst. jail, hospital, dead. In his world, those are all very real possibilities. I thought about what I would tell S, if any of those situations might have been true. I finally called him about 8:30 am on Sunday. No answer. I packed up the twins (S was with my parents that weekend), and started to drive to the condo. I called from the car, halfway there, and he answered. I was livid. LIVID. SEETHING.
Thank the lord S was not in the car because I could NOT hold back. He told me he "flaked out." I told him I was ready to call the cops to do a welfare check on him. I don't remember most of what I said, except that several times I said "THIS is why you need therapy. THIS is why you don't live with us anymore. You're SICK and you need help." The idea that he can just check out when he wants to is just more than I can understand. I don't understand how he thinks it's ok. AND, that he just so easily attributes it to mental illness, once again taking the responsibility off of himself.
The next day he stopped by my work to drop off some papers. We talked. He told me he quit taking his meds. I wonder if it's true. It's the first time I've ever wondered if it's true, or if he just uses it as an excuse to completely lose control. I told him that he needed to pick 2-3 days a week to come over each weekday evening. He is to tell me those days on Sunday each week. I know him so well, I think this will help. WHY am I trying to help? I feel like if he thinks of it more as a job (for lack of a better word), then he will be more apt to stick to his schedule. I also told him that he is no longer allowed to discipline S. That little girl is really mixed up right now, as evidenced by her behaviors. She needs consistent discipline, not the "threat" of time out. I've learned recently that she is "strong willed." She fits all characteristics. As such, she needs strong boundaries set for her, and someone who can discipline her if she tests those boundaries. But, that's a story for another day. I'm her primary caregiver, I will do the disciplining. Besides, he just usually ends up in a "dance" with her, with him getting pissed and her getting her way. Not good.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)