It took 8 minutes to be granted our legal separation. Eight minutes to undo what took years to build. I realize that it started to come unraveled along time ago, but I'm still blown away that the entire proceeding this morning took just 8 minutes. A few things of note:
1) D was over yesterday. Before he left we talked about this morning, and what to expect. Neither of us had a clue. I mentioned that it shouldn't be much different than a divorce proceeding. D said "oh, it's not the same at all. In the eyes of the state we'll still be legally married." His lack of logic baffles me at times. He went on to say that "if you get with someone, it'll be considered cheating and it would cost you a lot of money." Implying of course, that he would divorce ME and get back some of the money that I'm "taking" from him. I took a deep breath and reminded him politely that the only reason this was NOT a divorce is because I'm too nice and don't want to see him uninsured.
He did agree with that, but in the next breath said "cheating would be infidelity and grounds for divorce." What the WHAT? Yes, this really happened! I swallowed hard, took another deep breath and then asked if he really thought he could keep me from dating. At that point, he shut down, I can only assume because he realized how asinine his comments were.
But really. This has suddenly turned into a classic case of "I don't want you. But no one else can have you either." WHATEVER. The comical part of it all is that I can't even fathom LOOKING at a man. Ok, that's not true. I look, but that's about it. All the other stuff that comes with it...blah....no interest.
2) We get there this morning and are standing in front of the judge. She had our parenting plan and financial info in front of her. She's asking us questions, we're confirming. She asked "we're dealing with a legal separation because you feel the marriage is not irrevocably broken." Although not sure of the etiquette, and if I should be interrupting the judge, lol, I responded "the only reason this is a separation is so he can stay on my insurance." I totally threw her for a loop. She wasn't sure how to respond. She said "so you feel that your marriage is broken beyond repair." I said yes (all the while FEELING Ds eyes on me). She made a change to her paperwork and moved on. It was SO important for me to SAY that, and for D to HEAR that. This is not a flipping game. This is not a disagreement that we're going to get over. This is a marriage, a now broken marriage.
In all, it took 8 minutes. She declared us legally separated, wished us both luck, and that was it. We were getting on the escalator to go down stairs and D said "well, I guess that's it. Life moves on." I don't know what I expected him to say, but not that. Not anything. It would have been better if he hadn't said anything. To just let it roll off so casually hurt me.
While we were sitting in the courtroom waiting for the judge, I noticed that we were sitting like people who were familiar with each other, but not touching. It occurred to me that we haven't touched in a very long time. Much longer than the nine months he's been out of my house. It was completely loveless and I wonder now how I thought that was ok. How he STILL thinks it's ok. I clearly remember S being shocked to see us occasionally hug.
I deserve better than that, as do my children.
Monday, November 25, 2013
Monday, November 18, 2013
he missed the class
OMG I'm livid (again). D finally called on Sunday and asked if he could come over. I wanted to be mean, I really did, but I couldn't. I asked if he was sober, I told him that he is not allowed to make promises of any kind, and then I gave him permission to come over.
The joy on my babies faces when they saw him made me want to cry. He got running hugs from all three. He does not deserve them.
He didn't look any worse than usual, except I noticed that he hadn't shaved or cut his hair in several days. This is odd and very very rare for him. He usually cuts his hair every 5-6 days, and can't go more than 2 days without shaving. There was at least a weeks worth of facial hair I would guess. The self-care seems to be going down the drain.
He didn't go to the parenting class. "I was very, very sick." When I questioned more, apparently he had shakes that he could not control. He insisted that re-scheduling wouldn't be an issue. I knew it would.
Fast-forward to today when he e-mails to tell me he rescheduled his class for 6:15 pm on 11/25. Our court date is an 9 am on the 25th!!!! That was the next available class. I called him, and he just sat there in silence as I told him I was sick of him not thinking about how his actions affect others. That he's screwed me AGAIN. And doesn't seem to care. He didn't even apologize!
I called the court clerk and she advised me that it's better to keep the court date and have the judge figure out what to to. I've been under the impression all along that we both have to do the class before this can be official. She said that sometimes the rules can bend. I not so secretly hope that the judge reams him up and down for not doing what he was supposed to do.
I'm just so DONE. With his excuses (I've been like this as long as you've known me), with his passive-aggressiveness, with his lack of motivation to help himself, with his inability to see how what he does (or doesn't do!) affects others. D.O.N.E.
The joy on my babies faces when they saw him made me want to cry. He got running hugs from all three. He does not deserve them.
He didn't look any worse than usual, except I noticed that he hadn't shaved or cut his hair in several days. This is odd and very very rare for him. He usually cuts his hair every 5-6 days, and can't go more than 2 days without shaving. There was at least a weeks worth of facial hair I would guess. The self-care seems to be going down the drain.
He didn't go to the parenting class. "I was very, very sick." When I questioned more, apparently he had shakes that he could not control. He insisted that re-scheduling wouldn't be an issue. I knew it would.
Fast-forward to today when he e-mails to tell me he rescheduled his class for 6:15 pm on 11/25. Our court date is an 9 am on the 25th!!!! That was the next available class. I called him, and he just sat there in silence as I told him I was sick of him not thinking about how his actions affect others. That he's screwed me AGAIN. And doesn't seem to care. He didn't even apologize!
I called the court clerk and she advised me that it's better to keep the court date and have the judge figure out what to to. I've been under the impression all along that we both have to do the class before this can be official. She said that sometimes the rules can bend. I not so secretly hope that the judge reams him up and down for not doing what he was supposed to do.
I'm just so DONE. With his excuses (I've been like this as long as you've known me), with his passive-aggressiveness, with his lack of motivation to help himself, with his inability to see how what he does (or doesn't do!) affects others. D.O.N.E.
Friday, November 15, 2013
She's living my worst nightmare
My heart is incredibly heavy today, about someone I do not know. I will start by saying that I was lying in bed last night, playing out scenarios in my head about finding D. I'm not worried that anything is imminent, but this happens to me occasionally. Interesting that it's happening now, since I'm not feeling particularly anxious. The whole scenario played out, me finding him, our dog being there, my calling 911, his body on the stretcher, etc. I guess it was essentially a flashback of the first time I found him, although that time he didn't succeed. Fast forward to my having to tell my children. There were tears running down my face as I was thinking about this.
Then, this morning I got a message from a good friend of D's from high school, who is now a good friend of mine. She knows what's going on, and has been nothing but supportive of me. She's tried reaching out to him, but he just put his wall up. She had contacted me a few years ago, right after D's mom died when my life was truly pure chaos. She told me about a friend whose husband was an alcoholic and had tried to commit suicide with pills. She was asking my advice, asking me to reach out to this woman. I was not in a place to do that, although she didn't know that at the time ( I didn't know her well at that time). I was still processing WTH I was going through. L never brought this family up again until today.
Apparently, L's friend got tired of cleaning up her husbands messes and chasing him down, so she divorced him. He became estranged from their 3 children and moved out of state. I'm not sure of the details, but he was somehow back in town (not sure living, visiting, etc), and committed suicide. Ex-wife found his body. She had to tell their children.
This is my nightmare. This is it, and this woman is living it. And the emotions she must be dealing with. To not only FIND your ex-spouse, but to know they were most likely only "ex" because of an addiction that they weren't strong enough to fight.
It could be me. It may be me. This is real life. THis happened. I think part of me always felt a teeny sense of relief that maybe I awas just being dramatic about the possibility of this happening. But now I'm aware that it has happened to someone. I'm simply at a loss.
I've had no contact with D since Sat afternoon when he left. He's been on/off FB, so I know he's alive, but that's about it. His parenting class is tomorrow morning. He better pull his shit together for that. Without our attendance at this class (mine is next week), we can't legally separate. It truly baffles my mind that he doesn't want to see his kids. I don't understand. I don't GET it.
S doesn't even ask about him everyday. It's a good thing, but at the same time it's so sad.
Then, this morning I got a message from a good friend of D's from high school, who is now a good friend of mine. She knows what's going on, and has been nothing but supportive of me. She's tried reaching out to him, but he just put his wall up. She had contacted me a few years ago, right after D's mom died when my life was truly pure chaos. She told me about a friend whose husband was an alcoholic and had tried to commit suicide with pills. She was asking my advice, asking me to reach out to this woman. I was not in a place to do that, although she didn't know that at the time ( I didn't know her well at that time). I was still processing WTH I was going through. L never brought this family up again until today.
Apparently, L's friend got tired of cleaning up her husbands messes and chasing him down, so she divorced him. He became estranged from their 3 children and moved out of state. I'm not sure of the details, but he was somehow back in town (not sure living, visiting, etc), and committed suicide. Ex-wife found his body. She had to tell their children.
This is my nightmare. This is it, and this woman is living it. And the emotions she must be dealing with. To not only FIND your ex-spouse, but to know they were most likely only "ex" because of an addiction that they weren't strong enough to fight.
It could be me. It may be me. This is real life. THis happened. I think part of me always felt a teeny sense of relief that maybe I awas just being dramatic about the possibility of this happening. But now I'm aware that it has happened to someone. I'm simply at a loss.
I've had no contact with D since Sat afternoon when he left. He's been on/off FB, so I know he's alive, but that's about it. His parenting class is tomorrow morning. He better pull his shit together for that. Without our attendance at this class (mine is next week), we can't legally separate. It truly baffles my mind that he doesn't want to see his kids. I don't understand. I don't GET it.
S doesn't even ask about him everyday. It's a good thing, but at the same time it's so sad.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
And the update
As I suspected, he *did* wish himself a happy Veteran's Day. I held my tongue, but was silently seething. Then, when I thought it couldn't get any worse, he "checked in" at a bar, not more than 2 miles from my house. Not only was he a no-show on Sunday, but on Monday he chose to have a "boys night out" with his "friends" rather than drive a bit further to see his children.
I put "friends" in quotes, b/c they aren't serious friends. He would never call on them in a time of need. Those friends, the ones who've brought him back from brink of death, he has screwed over so badly that the relationship is over.
I was so on-edge about the entire thing. I was pacing in my kitchen. I finally did the dishes by hand, just to keep my hands busy so I wouldn't type something i would regret. But hand washing the dishes just increased my anger, b/c I actually HAD to hand-wash the dishes b/c I had no dish detergent for the dish washer. Of course, I blamed that on him as well, b/c who wants to haul 3 toddlers out of the car at rush hour to run into the grocery for dish detergent. Not me!
I expect I won't be hearing from him for a few days. Fine with me.
I put "friends" in quotes, b/c they aren't serious friends. He would never call on them in a time of need. Those friends, the ones who've brought him back from brink of death, he has screwed over so badly that the relationship is over.
I was so on-edge about the entire thing. I was pacing in my kitchen. I finally did the dishes by hand, just to keep my hands busy so I wouldn't type something i would regret. But hand washing the dishes just increased my anger, b/c I actually HAD to hand-wash the dishes b/c I had no dish detergent for the dish washer. Of course, I blamed that on him as well, b/c who wants to haul 3 toddlers out of the car at rush hour to run into the grocery for dish detergent. Not me!
I expect I won't be hearing from him for a few days. Fine with me.
Monday, November 11, 2013
speak of the devil
He's back with the land of the living. I just hopped on FB for a minute to check something and there was his profile pic with the green button all lit up.
It made me irrationally angry to see. I KNOW it's the disease, I KNOW this, but I just want to scream how in the world can you be so SELFISH, so goddamn SELFISH. To be so in to yourself that you just dismiss the thought of seeing your children. That you don't call ME to let me know at the very least that you are drunk and can't keep your plans.
God help me, it's moments like this that I wish he would just go away, far far away, so I can wipe the worry of him from my plate. Not that it would wipe it completely, but it would be something.
I'm so mad, I'm almost in tears.
I've had a slight addiction with Pinterest lately. It replaced my addiction with Candy Crush;) I find some pins on there that just hit me too personally to pin. I feel like I would be laying my very deepest feelings out there, my soul, for everyone to see. JennyG, we've had this convo about the Brave Girls Club, too. But, today, I have to post two of them, b/c that's where I am right now.
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Clearly, on some level, I am taking this entire ordeal personally. Most days I don't, but when I get so so mad like I am now, these feelings come to the surface. Did he ever love me? I think so. I think he did. But how can I be sure. Did he only love me because I took care of him? And did I only love him because I needed to take care of someone? Such horrible questions. I was ready to spend the rest of my life with him. Obviously, his need for alcohol was more important than his need for me.
And for the record, I really don't feel destroyed. I don't think I ever had the thought of "what am I going to do." I think I always knew that I would survive, I didn't have a choice. I feel f'ing strong for doing what I did. For getting myself and my kids out of that situation. I am proud of myself for what I did; I know that many don't make it as far as I do.
I swear to God, if he even posts one damn thing on FB about Veteran's Day and how he's so proud of serving his country, I may throw my computer across the room, or worse, call him out for not serving his kids.
It made me irrationally angry to see. I KNOW it's the disease, I KNOW this, but I just want to scream how in the world can you be so SELFISH, so goddamn SELFISH. To be so in to yourself that you just dismiss the thought of seeing your children. That you don't call ME to let me know at the very least that you are drunk and can't keep your plans.
God help me, it's moments like this that I wish he would just go away, far far away, so I can wipe the worry of him from my plate. Not that it would wipe it completely, but it would be something.
I'm so mad, I'm almost in tears.
I've had a slight addiction with Pinterest lately. It replaced my addiction with Candy Crush;) I find some pins on there that just hit me too personally to pin. I feel like I would be laying my very deepest feelings out there, my soul, for everyone to see. JennyG, we've had this convo about the Brave Girls Club, too. But, today, I have to post two of them, b/c that's where I am right now.
Clearly, on some level, I am taking this entire ordeal personally. Most days I don't, but when I get so so mad like I am now, these feelings come to the surface. Did he ever love me? I think so. I think he did. But how can I be sure. Did he only love me because I took care of him? And did I only love him because I needed to take care of someone? Such horrible questions. I was ready to spend the rest of my life with him. Obviously, his need for alcohol was more important than his need for me.
And for the record, I really don't feel destroyed. I don't think I ever had the thought of "what am I going to do." I think I always knew that I would survive, I didn't have a choice. I feel f'ing strong for doing what I did. For getting myself and my kids out of that situation. I am proud of myself for what I did; I know that many don't make it as far as I do.
I swear to God, if he even posts one damn thing on FB about Veteran's Day and how he's so proud of serving his country, I may throw my computer across the room, or worse, call him out for not serving his kids.
so much stuff
So many things to write about...so many things that I wanted to say that I've already forgotten.
Single mom-hood is HARD. I get a "break" when I come to work.
Of note.
1) I last saw D about 4:30 on Saturday, when we were outside playing with the kids and he started puking. He told me he was leaving, and he'd be there at 10:30 on Sunday. He was a no-show. I've been stalking him on FB, and it looks like he was last on, Sat night about 8:30. So, about 40 hours with no communication from him/or indication of him being, well, alive. My crazy thoughts are stirring. But they really aren't so crazy, knowing him. BUT, I am managing them much better than in the past. I'm sure he's alive, but binging. I sent him home Friday night b/c he refused a breathlyzer.
2) Last night, in the bath S said "mommy, what day did daddy leave?" I said "what??" She said "when did daddy leave and not live with us anymore?" Her little brain just amazes me. I thought for a second and said "I think daddy last lived here on a Wed."
3) This morning, S said "if daddy calls tonight, I want to talk to him." "OK, what do you want to say?" "To ask him why he didn't come over yesterday. I bet he was sick." It seriously breaks my heart. Into teeny tiny pieces.
4) Two weeks ago, he said "I'd like to go to your parents house for Christmas." Um WHAT, EXCUSE ME? YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING. I didn't say that of course, but it's what I was thinking. Instead I told him that I didn't even know if he was invited, and that I would need to talk to my mom. He totally floors me at times. But at the same time, I go back to the excuse(???) that he may not be around much longer, for whatever reason, and I want his kids to have as much time with him as they can. But really, does he expect to still be included? Well, clearly he does.
My mom was floored when I asked her if he could come. She still hasn't given me an answer. I don't blame her if she says no, but Lord I will be a ball of nerves that day wondering what he is doing if he doesn't come with us.
5) In the same convo as #4, he said "are we supposed to put on a happy family front" when talking about having our annual holiday dinner with his brother and family. Brother and family ARE coming in town to have dinner with at least me and the babies (and present exchange for the cousins). M and I had already planned the date. I said "there is no happy family and no front to put on." M knows what's going on, there's no reason to lie.
But the simple fact that he had thought about lying? I mean, to a normal person, at this point, WHY lie? What would be the point? It would serve no purpose.
I.don't.understand.him. He does not think rationally, or logically, about this topic or anything else. He was talking on Wed night about something so trivial as switching cable companies. The reason he gave for switching made absolutely no sense. NONE. It's like he's lost his brain cells.
He is/was such an intelligient person. I feel like the alcohol is eating away at more than just his liver.
Single mom-hood is HARD. I get a "break" when I come to work.
Of note.
1) I last saw D about 4:30 on Saturday, when we were outside playing with the kids and he started puking. He told me he was leaving, and he'd be there at 10:30 on Sunday. He was a no-show. I've been stalking him on FB, and it looks like he was last on, Sat night about 8:30. So, about 40 hours with no communication from him/or indication of him being, well, alive. My crazy thoughts are stirring. But they really aren't so crazy, knowing him. BUT, I am managing them much better than in the past. I'm sure he's alive, but binging. I sent him home Friday night b/c he refused a breathlyzer.
2) Last night, in the bath S said "mommy, what day did daddy leave?" I said "what??" She said "when did daddy leave and not live with us anymore?" Her little brain just amazes me. I thought for a second and said "I think daddy last lived here on a Wed."
3) This morning, S said "if daddy calls tonight, I want to talk to him." "OK, what do you want to say?" "To ask him why he didn't come over yesterday. I bet he was sick." It seriously breaks my heart. Into teeny tiny pieces.
4) Two weeks ago, he said "I'd like to go to your parents house for Christmas." Um WHAT, EXCUSE ME? YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING. I didn't say that of course, but it's what I was thinking. Instead I told him that I didn't even know if he was invited, and that I would need to talk to my mom. He totally floors me at times. But at the same time, I go back to the excuse(???) that he may not be around much longer, for whatever reason, and I want his kids to have as much time with him as they can. But really, does he expect to still be included? Well, clearly he does.
My mom was floored when I asked her if he could come. She still hasn't given me an answer. I don't blame her if she says no, but Lord I will be a ball of nerves that day wondering what he is doing if he doesn't come with us.
5) In the same convo as #4, he said "are we supposed to put on a happy family front" when talking about having our annual holiday dinner with his brother and family. Brother and family ARE coming in town to have dinner with at least me and the babies (and present exchange for the cousins). M and I had already planned the date. I said "there is no happy family and no front to put on." M knows what's going on, there's no reason to lie.
But the simple fact that he had thought about lying? I mean, to a normal person, at this point, WHY lie? What would be the point? It would serve no purpose.
I.don't.understand.him. He does not think rationally, or logically, about this topic or anything else. He was talking on Wed night about something so trivial as switching cable companies. The reason he gave for switching made absolutely no sense. NONE. It's like he's lost his brain cells.
He is/was such an intelligient person. I feel like the alcohol is eating away at more than just his liver.
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