I hope to be divorced this month:)
My papers were filed on July 23, and there's a 30 day wait. My lawyer has already talked to the judge, and with any luck, this will all be done this month.
D has not seen his kids in 8 weeks. I've had no contact with him since seeing him at the bank 2 weeks ago. I did talk to our financial advisor earlier this week, who said he had made NO contact with her, meaning that the money he said was on the way was only a lie. Go figure.
Both of the twins (even C) talk about him. "Daddy's not coming tonight. Daddy's sick. Daddy's at his condo. When will we see him? Daddy doesn't want to get us sick." My heart breaks for them, for each of them in different ways, b/c they are all handling it differently. I suppose this is their first taste of "life's not fair" but what I way to learn that lesson. For a few weeks, any time A got mad at me, she'd scream "I want my daddy!" She seems to be done with it, so hopefully just a phase that possibly came from daycare.
J, of course, continue to be fabulous. I continue to struggle, although less and less, with things like believing this is real, that he won't up and leave, that he does love me and my kids. He's quite aware of my fear of rejection, lol, but deals with it very well:)
Something is going on in his brain, that he's not completely sharing. Earlier this week I had one of those days that I just needed some reassurance. I read back through some older texts and thought well "just b/c he said it then doesn't mean he still does." Just seeing me, he KNEW something was going on in my head "what's going on up there??" I told him, generally, and he said "to me, things are great, they continue to be awesome." He, apparently, was having the opposite kind of day that day, as he said something like "I was actually thinking the opposite today. Things get better and better." Then he started to say something else and said noooo, we'll keep that as a surprise. When I asked about it later that night, he just said "all in due time." Jerk, lol:)
Then, a few nights later, I mentioned that I'd gotten confirmation from attorney that papers had been filed. "So, you'll be a free woman in 30 days." Um yes, yes I will. He mentioned something about C and O when they are 18, and crazy, and how we'll have our hands full..with a silly grin on his face.
I the same convo, I told him about D's cousin, and her husband, who met online and were engaged 8 months later. I didn't say it in the context of us, but rather because she was just diagnosed with MS. Again, silly grin, "so they met online and were engaged 8 months later."
Anyway, something seems to be brewing but luckily I'm too busy to focus on it too much. Who knows what will happen.
Friday, August 1, 2014
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
and just like that...
I'm bawling.
He showed up. I can't see he looked like death; I've certainly seen him look much worse, but he did look bad. Very, very bloated. His fingers looked like sausages; tremors.
He sat next to me and the first thing out of my mouth was "you couldn't respond to helping me financially with the kids, but this you responded to right away?" He told me he's working with our advisor to liquidate some stocks and will be getting $5k to me soon. "I hope that helps a bit." I was honestly shocked.
He told me that he's working with an advocate of some sort to work through the disability issue. According to him, he was told that each child would get $250 a month, and the commission was another $250, but that he would get nothing. That does NOT seem right to me. He must have misunderstood. He should get a check, as well as the kids. Regardless...that seems to be moving along too.
The notary called us back and that point and it was short and sweet. Afterwards, he needed to stay and do something with the bank but told me Sierra (our dog) was in his car. So, I went out and found her and started petting her and started sobbing. I miss her. I collected myself and happened to look down at the car. The passenger side of the car looked like he'd side-swiped something. When I asked him about it later, turns out he hit the side of the condo building when parking. Not making excuses, but I've almost done this a number of times, over the 10 year period I lived there. But, I imagine he was drunk when he did it. I also noticed that he must have backed up into something. The bumper underneath the license plate is busted. There were many empty gatorade bottles in the car...no doubt at one time filled with some sort of alcohol.
He came out and we started talking. We talked more about the disability and how I didn't think what he'd been told (or what he THOUGHT he was told) was accurate. He told me he thinks about the kids every day, and that the only thing he has too look at are the pictures that they've colored for him. I lost it again. He couldn't see, since I had sunglasses on, and I kept myself in check, but he started crying too.
I just, I can't even say what I was feeling. It wasn't anger anymore, but not pity either. Maybe just sadness. I just looked at him with the tears rolling down his cheeks and I felt BAD. For him, for me, for our kids. NOT for our marriage...I need to make that clear. This divorce is the best thing that could be happening to me. I kept looking at him, thinking that there was not even the tiniest piece of the person I married in his body. That person is all gone. And THAT made me sad. It's almost like a piece of MY life has disappeared, along with him.
And now, as I type this, I am sobbing again. Big ugly tears.
He told me he can't see the kids until he can get himself healthy. He told me he's being seeing his psychiatrist every 6 weeks. Based on some things he's told her, she thinks he may be having seizures in his sleep. His MRI was relatively normal; no sign of a stroke, or anything like that. There is some plaque on his brain, but apparently this is normal for his age.
I don't know how it popped out of my mouth, but I asked if he would consider just talking to the kids on the phone. J had actually suggested this awhile ago, so that they get some sort of interaction with him. I was really up in the air about doing it, but out came the suggestion. He said "I need to take care of me before I can take care of them" which DID piss me off. It's a fucking PHONE call. I asked if he was saying it wasn't an option and he said that it WAS an option, but then he dropped it.
In all, it was more than civil. I was glad to get caught up on his medical stuff, and to see my sweet Sierra.
He showed up. I can't see he looked like death; I've certainly seen him look much worse, but he did look bad. Very, very bloated. His fingers looked like sausages; tremors.
He sat next to me and the first thing out of my mouth was "you couldn't respond to helping me financially with the kids, but this you responded to right away?" He told me he's working with our advisor to liquidate some stocks and will be getting $5k to me soon. "I hope that helps a bit." I was honestly shocked.
He told me that he's working with an advocate of some sort to work through the disability issue. According to him, he was told that each child would get $250 a month, and the commission was another $250, but that he would get nothing. That does NOT seem right to me. He must have misunderstood. He should get a check, as well as the kids. Regardless...that seems to be moving along too.
The notary called us back and that point and it was short and sweet. Afterwards, he needed to stay and do something with the bank but told me Sierra (our dog) was in his car. So, I went out and found her and started petting her and started sobbing. I miss her. I collected myself and happened to look down at the car. The passenger side of the car looked like he'd side-swiped something. When I asked him about it later, turns out he hit the side of the condo building when parking. Not making excuses, but I've almost done this a number of times, over the 10 year period I lived there. But, I imagine he was drunk when he did it. I also noticed that he must have backed up into something. The bumper underneath the license plate is busted. There were many empty gatorade bottles in the car...no doubt at one time filled with some sort of alcohol.
He came out and we started talking. We talked more about the disability and how I didn't think what he'd been told (or what he THOUGHT he was told) was accurate. He told me he thinks about the kids every day, and that the only thing he has too look at are the pictures that they've colored for him. I lost it again. He couldn't see, since I had sunglasses on, and I kept myself in check, but he started crying too.
I just, I can't even say what I was feeling. It wasn't anger anymore, but not pity either. Maybe just sadness. I just looked at him with the tears rolling down his cheeks and I felt BAD. For him, for me, for our kids. NOT for our marriage...I need to make that clear. This divorce is the best thing that could be happening to me. I kept looking at him, thinking that there was not even the tiniest piece of the person I married in his body. That person is all gone. And THAT made me sad. It's almost like a piece of MY life has disappeared, along with him.
And now, as I type this, I am sobbing again. Big ugly tears.
He told me he can't see the kids until he can get himself healthy. He told me he's being seeing his psychiatrist every 6 weeks. Based on some things he's told her, she thinks he may be having seizures in his sleep. His MRI was relatively normal; no sign of a stroke, or anything like that. There is some plaque on his brain, but apparently this is normal for his age.
I don't know how it popped out of my mouth, but I asked if he would consider just talking to the kids on the phone. J had actually suggested this awhile ago, so that they get some sort of interaction with him. I was really up in the air about doing it, but out came the suggestion. He said "I need to take care of me before I can take care of them" which DID piss me off. It's a fucking PHONE call. I asked if he was saying it wasn't an option and he said that it WAS an option, but then he dropped it.
In all, it was more than civil. I was glad to get caught up on his medical stuff, and to see my sweet Sierra.
fucking livid
D never responded to my e-mail practically begging for money. Not a word. It's been 6 weeks this week since he's had any contact with his kids.
On Monday, I talked to attorney, who received my notarized paperwork that will be filed next Monday. This will put the modification from legal separation to divorce into action. Attorney sent me another doc for Dan for Dan to sign, waiving his right to service. I e-mailed him Monday night, not really expecting a response, but he did that night. So, the welfare of his kids doesn't kick start an immediate response, but the thought of possibly getting served with papers did. Whatever. It pissed me off, but I moved on. We made a time to meet today to have him sign papers. Then yesterday, I realized that this doc also needs to be notarized. I e-mailed him to get his thoughts on where to meet, his bank, my bank, etc.
In typical Dan fashion, he took control (clearly feeling OUT of control in every other aspect). He named the time, as well as the location of the bank. Fine. This was yesterday afternoon.
Then this morning, I woke up to a text (and two frantic emails) from our financial advisor. She told me she was working on getting my Roth IRA transferred from my account to D's.
Sidenote: in our original agreement, I gave D my Roth. Don't ask me why the fuck I did that, just trying to be fair, I'm sure. Anyway, when our accounts were split last winter, this didn't get transferred to him.
So now, when he has avoided calls from our advisor for MONTHS, the thought of an impending divorce certainly gets his ass in gear. Advisor is a friend of ours, and so this morning mentioned "so, today is a big day, right?" I'm like, WHAT? "Your divorce decree is final today at 12, right?"
Then the pieces all came together for me. Bastard (again after NO contact with advisor in months), LIED to her about today, in order to get this Roth transferred, no doubt scared that he will lose out on that money.
All this work to get $8000, and he can't even respond to an e-mail to me about buying milk or fucking diapers for his kids. I had told my mom about the Roth and told her I wasn't going to say anything and if he forgot, the money would just stay as mine. Not much I can do with it, without penalty anyway, so I wouldn't use it, but I still like I had a bit of SOMETHING, in lieu of his giving me NOTHING.
FUCKING BASTARD. OMG, I just want to OUT him to his friends His friends that are so WORRIED about him and his well-being.
Anyway, meeting him in 30 minutes.
On Monday, I talked to attorney, who received my notarized paperwork that will be filed next Monday. This will put the modification from legal separation to divorce into action. Attorney sent me another doc for Dan for Dan to sign, waiving his right to service. I e-mailed him Monday night, not really expecting a response, but he did that night. So, the welfare of his kids doesn't kick start an immediate response, but the thought of possibly getting served with papers did. Whatever. It pissed me off, but I moved on. We made a time to meet today to have him sign papers. Then yesterday, I realized that this doc also needs to be notarized. I e-mailed him to get his thoughts on where to meet, his bank, my bank, etc.
In typical Dan fashion, he took control (clearly feeling OUT of control in every other aspect). He named the time, as well as the location of the bank. Fine. This was yesterday afternoon.
Then this morning, I woke up to a text (and two frantic emails) from our financial advisor. She told me she was working on getting my Roth IRA transferred from my account to D's.
Sidenote: in our original agreement, I gave D my Roth. Don't ask me why the fuck I did that, just trying to be fair, I'm sure. Anyway, when our accounts were split last winter, this didn't get transferred to him.
So now, when he has avoided calls from our advisor for MONTHS, the thought of an impending divorce certainly gets his ass in gear. Advisor is a friend of ours, and so this morning mentioned "so, today is a big day, right?" I'm like, WHAT? "Your divorce decree is final today at 12, right?"
Then the pieces all came together for me. Bastard (again after NO contact with advisor in months), LIED to her about today, in order to get this Roth transferred, no doubt scared that he will lose out on that money.
All this work to get $8000, and he can't even respond to an e-mail to me about buying milk or fucking diapers for his kids. I had told my mom about the Roth and told her I wasn't going to say anything and if he forgot, the money would just stay as mine. Not much I can do with it, without penalty anyway, so I wouldn't use it, but I still like I had a bit of SOMETHING, in lieu of his giving me NOTHING.
FUCKING BASTARD. OMG, I just want to OUT him to his friends His friends that are so WORRIED about him and his well-being.
Anyway, meeting him in 30 minutes.
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
reaching out to D
I sent D an e-mail this morning. I typed it, stared at it, sent it to a friend to get her "permission" to send, and finally sent it.
The topic was PURELY financial; nothing about his drinking or his health, or when he plans to see his kids. I'm currently working out daycare plans for this upcoming "school" year. S is aging out of our current daycare. It accepts kids 6 months to 6 years, and she's 4.5, but there's only one other child their her age. Also, it's a home setting, and as she gets ready for kindy Fall 2015, I feel like she needs to be in more of a classroom setting. She does not have the personality that you can just throw her into a new situation. She needs time to process and get used to new situations. So, I found a brand new pre-school that is 10 minutes from my house, on a direct path to my house. A friend of mine is the director, and she's given me a great discount. That said, even WITH the discount, I'm looking at more than $30,000 for 3 kids, for 13 months. Yes, you read that right. I could keep them at our current place for another year, and save $10, 000 and still have to rely on my parents one day a week b/c our current place only has room for all 3, 4 days a week.
So, THAT amount freaked me out. I have settlement money from D's mom's estate to pay for this. It's not like I would have to come up with the amount, but I hadn't expected to drop so much in one year. On top of that, J is rehabbing my bathroom. The ugly bathrooms in my house were almost a deal breaker to me agreeing to buy the house 3 years ago. Yet, here I am, STILL with 2 ugly bathrooms. We've been talking about the rehab for about 8 weeks. He's ready to dive in, we're going shopping for the first materials tomorrow, actually, but I'm feeling guilty about spending the money. I feel like OMG I'm going to spend over $30000 in daycare, who am I to drop money on something frivolous like this now?! But dammit, I want it done, lol.
Anyway, the e-mail I sent to D basically asked the status of his social security disability appeal...knowing full well he hasn't started the appeal process. I told him exactly how much daycare will cost and how I hope to not drain the account before they even make it to kindergarten. I suggested that he might send me $1000 as very minimal assistance for daycare. I suggested that if he didn't trust me, that he could write a check straight to daycare. And that if he didn't want to spend that much, maybe he could buy a case of diapers a month or a gallon of milk a week. Something. ANYTHING to help.
I realize that it was my idea that 1/2 of his moms estate was all that I wanted. This was primarily b/c I knew his paychecks were minimal (now nonexistent), but at this point I'm starting to worry.
My friend suggested I could revise the separation agreement prior to filing for divorce, but that seems complicated, and possibly costly.
If he responds at all, he'll come back with a comment that this is what I wanted/asked for.
In the mean time, I am purging the SHIT out of my house. Primarily to just get rid of crap, but also to make a little money (garage sale, craigslist, etc), and to make room (hopefully) for some of J's stuff in the not too distant future. I'm feeling out of control with all of the stuff we have accumulated. The toys, the clothes (kids AND mine) and just general junk. Books that were read 10 years ago and I know I'll never read again. CD's that were last listened to OVER 10 years ago, DVDs that were watched maybe once. It's ALL going and I'm really hoping this helps clear my mind a bit.
The topic was PURELY financial; nothing about his drinking or his health, or when he plans to see his kids. I'm currently working out daycare plans for this upcoming "school" year. S is aging out of our current daycare. It accepts kids 6 months to 6 years, and she's 4.5, but there's only one other child their her age. Also, it's a home setting, and as she gets ready for kindy Fall 2015, I feel like she needs to be in more of a classroom setting. She does not have the personality that you can just throw her into a new situation. She needs time to process and get used to new situations. So, I found a brand new pre-school that is 10 minutes from my house, on a direct path to my house. A friend of mine is the director, and she's given me a great discount. That said, even WITH the discount, I'm looking at more than $30,000 for 3 kids, for 13 months. Yes, you read that right. I could keep them at our current place for another year, and save $10, 000 and still have to rely on my parents one day a week b/c our current place only has room for all 3, 4 days a week.
So, THAT amount freaked me out. I have settlement money from D's mom's estate to pay for this. It's not like I would have to come up with the amount, but I hadn't expected to drop so much in one year. On top of that, J is rehabbing my bathroom. The ugly bathrooms in my house were almost a deal breaker to me agreeing to buy the house 3 years ago. Yet, here I am, STILL with 2 ugly bathrooms. We've been talking about the rehab for about 8 weeks. He's ready to dive in, we're going shopping for the first materials tomorrow, actually, but I'm feeling guilty about spending the money. I feel like OMG I'm going to spend over $30000 in daycare, who am I to drop money on something frivolous like this now?! But dammit, I want it done, lol.
Anyway, the e-mail I sent to D basically asked the status of his social security disability appeal...knowing full well he hasn't started the appeal process. I told him exactly how much daycare will cost and how I hope to not drain the account before they even make it to kindergarten. I suggested that he might send me $1000 as very minimal assistance for daycare. I suggested that if he didn't trust me, that he could write a check straight to daycare. And that if he didn't want to spend that much, maybe he could buy a case of diapers a month or a gallon of milk a week. Something. ANYTHING to help.
I realize that it was my idea that 1/2 of his moms estate was all that I wanted. This was primarily b/c I knew his paychecks were minimal (now nonexistent), but at this point I'm starting to worry.
My friend suggested I could revise the separation agreement prior to filing for divorce, but that seems complicated, and possibly costly.
If he responds at all, he'll come back with a comment that this is what I wanted/asked for.
In the mean time, I am purging the SHIT out of my house. Primarily to just get rid of crap, but also to make a little money (garage sale, craigslist, etc), and to make room (hopefully) for some of J's stuff in the not too distant future. I'm feeling out of control with all of the stuff we have accumulated. The toys, the clothes (kids AND mine) and just general junk. Books that were read 10 years ago and I know I'll never read again. CD's that were last listened to OVER 10 years ago, DVDs that were watched maybe once. It's ALL going and I'm really hoping this helps clear my mind a bit.
Monday, June 30, 2014
checking in...
Wanted to give an update, since some are asking. Yes, there's been MORE drama with D, of COURSE there has, but honestly, I don't want to even think about him right now. Truth be told, aside from the Facebook stalking that I do to make sure he is still alive, I really put very little mental energy into him anymore. It doesn't feel good/bad/right/wrong, it just IS, and I have to go out of my way to think about him most times. He's not forefront in my brain like he used to be.
J continues to be nothing short of fabulous. There was something that came up last week, that is PURELY left over from D. J worked like a DOG last week, 10 and 12 hour days, each day, doing really physically demanding work. On Thursday, he sent a text at 4:30 that he was going to have a beer. My response was "Great! Enjoy!" And then I didn't hear from him for 3 hours. At the 2 hour mark I started getting antsy and anxious, looking out the window every 5 minutes. At the 2.5 hour mark I started getting pissed and the imagination started running wild. I would have thoughts of the where the hell is he? Did one beer turn into 6, or worse yet, shots? God, the FEELING of that old anxiety was horrible, So horrible. Those thoughts were then met with thoughts of "you've got to be kidding. This is not D, this is J, who never even has a random beer while watching TV at night. This is the first time in 3 months that he's even had anything to drink without you present." And more importantly "Who are you to get upset about this. You're a girlfriend. Nothing more."
He sent a text during all this rumination asking if I needed anything, which he always does before heading over. I thought about sending back a snide response but thank GOD I didn't. He walked in, gave me a hug, told me he'd had 3 beers in 3 hours, and that he was exhausted. And that was really that. After the kids went to bed, we talked like we always do and he told me about his day, and the situation that led to the beer (it was actually completely unplanned). I HATE that D still wiggles his way into my life in such ways but am so thankful that I was cognizant, and in the right frame of mind, that I was aware of all of this and didn't create a horrible argument about absolutely nothing.
And about his hard work week last week...he didn't complain about it one time. Not once. I'm so used to D bitching about every little thing related to whatever job he might have been doing. J woke up each morning, got dressed, headed out the door, worked hard, came back to my house and played with my kids, paid attention to me, and aside from simply telling me about his day, never once complained. I assume most men are like this, right? This is the way it's supposed to be. You have a job, you do it. That's it. This is new to me.
He met another of my BFF's last weekend. She LOVED him; thinks we're a great fit. Said "it's SOOO obvious that he is SOOOO SOOOO crazy about you." This is my go-to friend when I need to be told just the way it is. I asked her for some advice about broaching the subject of moving in. (Yes, I'm almost there.) My biggest fear since getting back into dating is rejection. I fear it with all my heart. I was rejected for so many years, whether blatantly or not, that I cannot bare the thought of it. Her response to me was "he's not going to say no. He'd trap you in that house and keep you forever if he could." Meant in a very sweet, not psycho killer way, of course;)
I have a good friend from high school that married her high school boyfriend and went on to have 4 kids. She's forever posting things on FB about their great marriage/family and you can TELL it's not an act. They are TRULY happily ever after, and I feel like I/we may be headed in that direction.
And I NEVER expected to be here. I went over 5 years without sleeping in bed with D, to one night a week I have to sleep by myself b/c J is home with O, and it is horrible. I sleep horribly. I've had chronic middle of the night insomnia for several years. Since meeting J, it's gone. I don't even have the luxury of waking in the middle of the night and looking over to see him sleeping, b/c I am SO comfortable and happy that I sleep all night, peacefully.
And we can just "be" together, and it's fine. With D for the last many years, we did not talk, and when we did, it was forced, and short. And it was tense (for me, at least), b/c I thought "this is my husband. At the very least we should be TALKING to each other." With J, quiet is ok, it's peaceful, it's comfortable.
When we're out, he touches me, whether it's holding my hand, or touching my hair. Last night, we were out to dinner, sitting on a patio bar. After we finished eating, he grabbed my chair and pulled it to his so we were as close as we could possibly be. I can STILL specifically remember a time when D and I were sitting at a bar and I went to put my hand on his leg, and he pushed it away. And, that was VERY early in our marriage.
Often, I catch J just staring at me. I ask "what?" and his response is "I'm just looking at you. Get used to it."
So, getting back to the whole moving in thing...I'm not talking next week, or next month, but I really don't want to wait too long. Maybe fall? Even still, this is something we have to talk about, to THINK about, aside from the obvious logistics of moving. We have kids to consider, and ex's (at least his) to consider and all the stuff that goes along with moving in together. It will take time to get it sorted out. BUT, I CANNOT bite the bullet and bring it up. My friend is right, he WON'T say no, but still. I assume he's waiting for me to do so, since it's my house. A little funny...he's had two drawers for awhile now, and last weekend, I cleared a third for him, since he's starting to accumulate quite the pile of clothes. I even hung some of his shirts in the closet. This morning, as I was getting ready I opened the close and looked down, and he had put two pairs of his shoes neatly in the closet. I don't know why. it just made me smile. I smile when I see his clothes in my washing machine. God, I'm such a sap, lol.
This is just a whole bunch of rambling, lol:) But it's good rambling, and NOT venting!!!
A few pics. J and the twins:) I adore this.
J helping S pick some of our veggies this weekend. He was more into it than she was. I love him:)
J continues to be nothing short of fabulous. There was something that came up last week, that is PURELY left over from D. J worked like a DOG last week, 10 and 12 hour days, each day, doing really physically demanding work. On Thursday, he sent a text at 4:30 that he was going to have a beer. My response was "Great! Enjoy!" And then I didn't hear from him for 3 hours. At the 2 hour mark I started getting antsy and anxious, looking out the window every 5 minutes. At the 2.5 hour mark I started getting pissed and the imagination started running wild. I would have thoughts of the where the hell is he? Did one beer turn into 6, or worse yet, shots? God, the FEELING of that old anxiety was horrible, So horrible. Those thoughts were then met with thoughts of "you've got to be kidding. This is not D, this is J, who never even has a random beer while watching TV at night. This is the first time in 3 months that he's even had anything to drink without you present." And more importantly "Who are you to get upset about this. You're a girlfriend. Nothing more."
He sent a text during all this rumination asking if I needed anything, which he always does before heading over. I thought about sending back a snide response but thank GOD I didn't. He walked in, gave me a hug, told me he'd had 3 beers in 3 hours, and that he was exhausted. And that was really that. After the kids went to bed, we talked like we always do and he told me about his day, and the situation that led to the beer (it was actually completely unplanned). I HATE that D still wiggles his way into my life in such ways but am so thankful that I was cognizant, and in the right frame of mind, that I was aware of all of this and didn't create a horrible argument about absolutely nothing.
And about his hard work week last week...he didn't complain about it one time. Not once. I'm so used to D bitching about every little thing related to whatever job he might have been doing. J woke up each morning, got dressed, headed out the door, worked hard, came back to my house and played with my kids, paid attention to me, and aside from simply telling me about his day, never once complained. I assume most men are like this, right? This is the way it's supposed to be. You have a job, you do it. That's it. This is new to me.
He met another of my BFF's last weekend. She LOVED him; thinks we're a great fit. Said "it's SOOO obvious that he is SOOOO SOOOO crazy about you." This is my go-to friend when I need to be told just the way it is. I asked her for some advice about broaching the subject of moving in. (Yes, I'm almost there.) My biggest fear since getting back into dating is rejection. I fear it with all my heart. I was rejected for so many years, whether blatantly or not, that I cannot bare the thought of it. Her response to me was "he's not going to say no. He'd trap you in that house and keep you forever if he could." Meant in a very sweet, not psycho killer way, of course;)
I have a good friend from high school that married her high school boyfriend and went on to have 4 kids. She's forever posting things on FB about their great marriage/family and you can TELL it's not an act. They are TRULY happily ever after, and I feel like I/we may be headed in that direction.
And I NEVER expected to be here. I went over 5 years without sleeping in bed with D, to one night a week I have to sleep by myself b/c J is home with O, and it is horrible. I sleep horribly. I've had chronic middle of the night insomnia for several years. Since meeting J, it's gone. I don't even have the luxury of waking in the middle of the night and looking over to see him sleeping, b/c I am SO comfortable and happy that I sleep all night, peacefully.
And we can just "be" together, and it's fine. With D for the last many years, we did not talk, and when we did, it was forced, and short. And it was tense (for me, at least), b/c I thought "this is my husband. At the very least we should be TALKING to each other." With J, quiet is ok, it's peaceful, it's comfortable.
When we're out, he touches me, whether it's holding my hand, or touching my hair. Last night, we were out to dinner, sitting on a patio bar. After we finished eating, he grabbed my chair and pulled it to his so we were as close as we could possibly be. I can STILL specifically remember a time when D and I were sitting at a bar and I went to put my hand on his leg, and he pushed it away. And, that was VERY early in our marriage.
Often, I catch J just staring at me. I ask "what?" and his response is "I'm just looking at you. Get used to it."
So, getting back to the whole moving in thing...I'm not talking next week, or next month, but I really don't want to wait too long. Maybe fall? Even still, this is something we have to talk about, to THINK about, aside from the obvious logistics of moving. We have kids to consider, and ex's (at least his) to consider and all the stuff that goes along with moving in together. It will take time to get it sorted out. BUT, I CANNOT bite the bullet and bring it up. My friend is right, he WON'T say no, but still. I assume he's waiting for me to do so, since it's my house. A little funny...he's had two drawers for awhile now, and last weekend, I cleared a third for him, since he's starting to accumulate quite the pile of clothes. I even hung some of his shirts in the closet. This morning, as I was getting ready I opened the close and looked down, and he had put two pairs of his shoes neatly in the closet. I don't know why. it just made me smile. I smile when I see his clothes in my washing machine. God, I'm such a sap, lol.
This is just a whole bunch of rambling, lol:) But it's good rambling, and NOT venting!!!
A few pics. J and the twins:) I adore this.
Monday, June 9, 2014
the latest drama
I really intended to post about this last week, but was so fired up I was afraid I'd say something I would regret. Not that it matters, but I don't want to stoop as low as I feel like stooping;)
On Tues night, D told me he was taking a trip. He's planning on going to Tampa. He dropped this bomb on me as he was leaving Tues night. I was livid. He was trying to downplay it for me, saying he was going to Tampa, as opposed to Sarasota (which was our "usual" beach spot). I made several snide comments about how it must be nice, and how I have to be "on" 24/7. He responded to saying "Orlanda. New Orleans." I said that Orlando (Disney World for God's sake) had been S's b-day present. New Orleans was over a year ago. We just went round and round, but honestly I was at a loss for words. He had the nerve to tell me it was a FUCKING Father's Day present to himself. WHAT THE HELL?! REALLY?
I've been feeling like something was "off" with him for several days. I wasn't sure he'd been drinking (supposedly had not since he'd fallen down ~3 weeks ago), but I couldn't put my finger on it. I thought maybe he'd stopped his meds. We had a plan for him to come over on Thur, Fri and Sat.
On Wed morning, I woke up to a picture of him on FB, when he was 18, the night he flew to the Persian Gulf. The kicker is his comment on the pic referred to the girl in the pic with him as his "former wife." Now, I will say that I knew he'd been married before. BUT, I will also say that he never told me. His brother did. The first time he made his little escape to Sarasota when we were just dating. BIL came in town, sat me down, and aired ALL the dirty laundry.
**Don't ask me why I never confronted him with this lack of honesty. I have no idea. NONE. I'll call it stupidity.**
He even lied the day we went to get our marriage license. When they asked if he'd been married before, he said NO. When my mom (who doesn't have a filter) asked if he'd been married before, he said NO. He mentioned a live-in girlfriend throughout the years. I put 2 and 2 and 2 together and know this was the wife.
Anyway, fast forward to Thurs night. I never let him know that I knew about her. So, I said something like "interesting to learn of your former wife on FB." He said "yeah, and...you knew about her." "No, you never told me about her." "Yes, I did, when we got our marriage license." "No, I'm quite sure I would have remember that." "well, whatever." "Um, don't you think it would have been nice to inform your SECOND wife about your FIRST?" Then, he got pissy.
I asked the last time he had a drink and he said late the night before. I asked if a breathalyzer would be negative and he said no, which means he lied about last drink, OR drank so much the night before that it was still in his system.
THEN, he started getting really hostile and paranoid. I had asked him a few days before to give me his new bank account numbers and approximate balances. The attorney converted our case to divorce needs the info. He suddenly starts talking about that, telling me how he has hired an attorney and I'm not getting one more penny of his money. I reminded him that the money I *did* get was for our kids, blah, blah. I finally told him he had to leave. Poor S was in the bathroom when he left, he didn't even wait for her, and she started sobbing when she realized he was gone. Not b/c he left, but because she didn't get to pet our dog.
I was just livid. Again. I sent J a text telling him that D was really hostile and I had asked him to leave. He called right away to say that he was done being nice. Let me preface this by saying J is not a macho guy. He doesn't have the need/desire to be the manly man, the fighter, whatever. He would likely always take the passive way out, when possible. He said "I'm doing giving him his space." J had been at my house when I texted to say that D was on his way. "I left so he would feel comfortable. But, if he's being hostile, I'm done being nice. I love you and those kids and will do what I have to do to keep you safe." I should say that I have not feared for my safety around D in a long, LONG time. For me, it was always more emotional. I think J has a slightly different take on it. He has literally planned what he would do if for some reason D ever barged into the house, drunk.
Fri and Sat passed with no word from D. While I was slightly on edge, wondering if he would pop up at some point, things are so much simpler when he's out of the picture.
He's doing some hard-core attention seeking on FB. He made a post either Fri or Sat night that was simply a ":(". Within the post, he said "I need some loving, and I'm not talking about sex." The same night as he posted the pic with his first wife, he commented on some girls picture "you need some DM loving. Want to come to Tampa with me?" I confronted him about that one, also. I told him if he was going to come on to girls, he might want to do it privately, and not on a public picture for everyone to see. I'm not even FB friends with this girl and *I* saw it, so God only knows who else did. It's almost embarrassing for me.
I just wish he'd go away. It would be SO much easier. Thank God, thank GOD for J. I totally hit the jackpot with him.
On Tues night, D told me he was taking a trip. He's planning on going to Tampa. He dropped this bomb on me as he was leaving Tues night. I was livid. He was trying to downplay it for me, saying he was going to Tampa, as opposed to Sarasota (which was our "usual" beach spot). I made several snide comments about how it must be nice, and how I have to be "on" 24/7. He responded to saying "Orlanda. New Orleans." I said that Orlando (Disney World for God's sake) had been S's b-day present. New Orleans was over a year ago. We just went round and round, but honestly I was at a loss for words. He had the nerve to tell me it was a FUCKING Father's Day present to himself. WHAT THE HELL?! REALLY?
I've been feeling like something was "off" with him for several days. I wasn't sure he'd been drinking (supposedly had not since he'd fallen down ~3 weeks ago), but I couldn't put my finger on it. I thought maybe he'd stopped his meds. We had a plan for him to come over on Thur, Fri and Sat.
On Wed morning, I woke up to a picture of him on FB, when he was 18, the night he flew to the Persian Gulf. The kicker is his comment on the pic referred to the girl in the pic with him as his "former wife." Now, I will say that I knew he'd been married before. BUT, I will also say that he never told me. His brother did. The first time he made his little escape to Sarasota when we were just dating. BIL came in town, sat me down, and aired ALL the dirty laundry.
**Don't ask me why I never confronted him with this lack of honesty. I have no idea. NONE. I'll call it stupidity.**
He even lied the day we went to get our marriage license. When they asked if he'd been married before, he said NO. When my mom (who doesn't have a filter) asked if he'd been married before, he said NO. He mentioned a live-in girlfriend throughout the years. I put 2 and 2 and 2 together and know this was the wife.
Anyway, fast forward to Thurs night. I never let him know that I knew about her. So, I said something like "interesting to learn of your former wife on FB." He said "yeah, and...you knew about her." "No, you never told me about her." "Yes, I did, when we got our marriage license." "No, I'm quite sure I would have remember that." "well, whatever." "Um, don't you think it would have been nice to inform your SECOND wife about your FIRST?" Then, he got pissy.
I asked the last time he had a drink and he said late the night before. I asked if a breathalyzer would be negative and he said no, which means he lied about last drink, OR drank so much the night before that it was still in his system.
THEN, he started getting really hostile and paranoid. I had asked him a few days before to give me his new bank account numbers and approximate balances. The attorney converted our case to divorce needs the info. He suddenly starts talking about that, telling me how he has hired an attorney and I'm not getting one more penny of his money. I reminded him that the money I *did* get was for our kids, blah, blah. I finally told him he had to leave. Poor S was in the bathroom when he left, he didn't even wait for her, and she started sobbing when she realized he was gone. Not b/c he left, but because she didn't get to pet our dog.
I was just livid. Again. I sent J a text telling him that D was really hostile and I had asked him to leave. He called right away to say that he was done being nice. Let me preface this by saying J is not a macho guy. He doesn't have the need/desire to be the manly man, the fighter, whatever. He would likely always take the passive way out, when possible. He said "I'm doing giving him his space." J had been at my house when I texted to say that D was on his way. "I left so he would feel comfortable. But, if he's being hostile, I'm done being nice. I love you and those kids and will do what I have to do to keep you safe." I should say that I have not feared for my safety around D in a long, LONG time. For me, it was always more emotional. I think J has a slightly different take on it. He has literally planned what he would do if for some reason D ever barged into the house, drunk.
Fri and Sat passed with no word from D. While I was slightly on edge, wondering if he would pop up at some point, things are so much simpler when he's out of the picture.
He's doing some hard-core attention seeking on FB. He made a post either Fri or Sat night that was simply a ":(". Within the post, he said "I need some loving, and I'm not talking about sex." The same night as he posted the pic with his first wife, he commented on some girls picture "you need some DM loving. Want to come to Tampa with me?" I confronted him about that one, also. I told him if he was going to come on to girls, he might want to do it privately, and not on a public picture for everyone to see. I'm not even FB friends with this girl and *I* saw it, so God only knows who else did. It's almost embarrassing for me.
I just wish he'd go away. It would be SO much easier. Thank God, thank GOD for J. I totally hit the jackpot with him.
Monday, June 2, 2014
the ex
First, let me start by saying that D e-mailed me two days after his outburst to apologize, stating that he was having trouble dealing with the fact that I have a boyfriend. He understands it's not his business and there's nothing he can do about it, so he'll do his best to keep his mouth shut. An apology from him is almost unheard of, and in talking about it by phone, I could tell he was sincere. I told him that he needs to consider meeting J, and that he's not going anywhere. He told me he'd think about it
There was a tentative plan for them to meet last Monday. I admit, I pushed a bit, and then freaked the F out about the meeting. Ultimately, it didn't happen, but at least D was open to it. Soon, I guess. I just want it over with so we can tackle that hurdle.
So....I've been meaning to write about J's ex-wife. Turns out, I know her. He told me about her the first night we talked. She has a somewhat unique name for her age, so when he said it, my ears perked up b/c I know someone with the same name. He went on to tell me where she worked, and then I put 2 and 2 together. She works for one of the 15 agencies in the research project that I manage. Basically, she received weekly e-mails from me for 3 years, and saw me in person 2-3 times a year when I would meet with her and her team. Hello, small world.
He has started a slow introduction of me. The two of them were at O's teachers meeting a few weeks ago and J mentioned that he's recently started to see O get to play with other kids on play dates. As they were leaving, she asked about the playdates. He mentioned that a friend of his that she knows, and her daughter have had playdates, and that another friend (Stacey) and her 3 kids have also joined.
I asked several weeks ago if he needed to tell her my last name. When she hears that, she'll know who I am, there is no doubt. He, in typical J fashion, said he didn't feel it was right to NOT tell her the last name of the female that would be spending a lot of time with her son.
Fast forward to this past weekend:
He and O went to a kid bday party with me and the kids this weekend. He of course told her where he went, and went on to name the girl friend he mentioned above, along with me, first and last name, as people that he knew that were there. He walked into my house after dropping O off with her, and said "She TOTALLY knows who you are." After he said my name, she repeated it, and then said, she has 4 year old twins. She works at WU." She went on to state a few other completely random facts about me. He corrected her on the ages of the twins, and told her that I did have a 4 year old, but that the twins were younger. He didn't say we were together, but simply that we'd all met up at this birthday party.
Ahhh, it's odd to "know" each other, lol. I'm not sure why he's not being more direct with her in regards to me. It's his business, and it doesn't bother me either way, so I haven't asked him about it. It does seem that he doesn't want her to know that we met online, which is the reason for the story line of meeting me through his other friend.
Anyhoo...the b-day party was fun. We all went in the same car for the first time, which was odd and fun all at the same time. J and I looked back once and O had given S his baseball cap to wear. He's just so stinking PATIENT, it's amazing. There was a bounce house at the party and he was totally on the ball helping to keep our 4 kids wrangled and safe. On the way home, they were all just wired and I joked that I wondered how people actually took road trips with that many kids. It was TOTALLY hypothetical, but he said "oh, we could do it!"
I'm not sure where it comes from, but I need fairly frequent reassurance that all is fine in this relationship. I was off work on Friday, and had absolutely NO reason to think anything was wrong, odd, etc, but I was feeling a bit apprehensive. I get a text from him out of nowhere saying "never thought about it happening and it's kind of strange to tell somebody bit I think I love your kids too." I started crying (duh). He went on to say "I've found myself wanting to tell them I love you when giving them hugs or leaving...it's just coming naturally." I was speechless. He is amazing.
Then, last night I asked if everything was "good." I knew it was, I just needed to hear it. We had been together (with kids) from 2 on Sat, and then all day/night on Sun. I worry that he'll think our "real life" is boring, or that he feels obligated to hang out. I usually think questions like that, and never ask them and then I ruminate about them so I'm trying really hard to be more vocal. So he said something like, "what do you mean, good? things are great. Where is this coming from? I love you. I love being with you, regardless of what we're doing...You make me want to be more." That last line totally got me, lol. He went on to say that he loves doing things for me, speaking of helping me clean (can you imagine!), or take care of things I need, like cutting grass. Of course, I confirmed what he meant by that and he assured me that it was simply to do something for me, not some random good deed because he felt sorry for me. So, I went to bed as a happy girl:)
He and O went to a kid bday party with me and the kids this weekend. He of course told her where he went, and went on to name the girl friend he mentioned above, along with me, first and last name, as people that he knew that were there. He walked into my house after dropping O off with her, and said "She TOTALLY knows who you are." After he said my name, she repeated it, and then said, she has 4 year old twins. She works at WU." She went on to state a few other completely random facts about me. He corrected her on the ages of the twins, and told her that I did have a 4 year old, but that the twins were younger. He didn't say we were together, but simply that we'd all met up at this birthday party.
Ahhh, it's odd to "know" each other, lol. I'm not sure why he's not being more direct with her in regards to me. It's his business, and it doesn't bother me either way, so I haven't asked him about it. It does seem that he doesn't want her to know that we met online, which is the reason for the story line of meeting me through his other friend.
Anyhoo...the b-day party was fun. We all went in the same car for the first time, which was odd and fun all at the same time. J and I looked back once and O had given S his baseball cap to wear. He's just so stinking PATIENT, it's amazing. There was a bounce house at the party and he was totally on the ball helping to keep our 4 kids wrangled and safe. On the way home, they were all just wired and I joked that I wondered how people actually took road trips with that many kids. It was TOTALLY hypothetical, but he said "oh, we could do it!"
I'm not sure where it comes from, but I need fairly frequent reassurance that all is fine in this relationship. I was off work on Friday, and had absolutely NO reason to think anything was wrong, odd, etc, but I was feeling a bit apprehensive. I get a text from him out of nowhere saying "never thought about it happening and it's kind of strange to tell somebody bit I think I love your kids too." I started crying (duh). He went on to say "I've found myself wanting to tell them I love you when giving them hugs or leaving...it's just coming naturally." I was speechless. He is amazing.
Then, last night I asked if everything was "good." I knew it was, I just needed to hear it. We had been together (with kids) from 2 on Sat, and then all day/night on Sun. I worry that he'll think our "real life" is boring, or that he feels obligated to hang out. I usually think questions like that, and never ask them and then I ruminate about them so I'm trying really hard to be more vocal. So he said something like, "what do you mean, good? things are great. Where is this coming from? I love you. I love being with you, regardless of what we're doing...You make me want to be more." That last line totally got me, lol. He went on to say that he loves doing things for me, speaking of helping me clean (can you imagine!), or take care of things I need, like cutting grass. Of course, I confirmed what he meant by that and he assured me that it was simply to do something for me, not some random good deed because he felt sorry for me. So, I went to bed as a happy girl:)
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