Divorced

I was sitting at work, minding my own business on Wednesday afternoon, when an email from my attorney popped up.

"Judge R entered the Judgment of Dissolution today, so you are officially divorced."

Just like that, it was done. Just like that, I started sobbing, a nasty, ugly cry. I'm sure people could hear me outside of my office. I couldn't stop the tears. They weren't tears of happiness, or even relief. I was so, SO sad.  Despite my STRONG desire to end the marriage, it was still so sad. The loss of a marriage, the loss of a family, the loss of dreams that we had always talked about, places we wanted to visit, where we thought we'd be in 5 years/10 years. It was all gone. All of it.  And shared memories...the days our children were born, relatives deceased (his mom and grandmother, 3 of my grandparents), that any significant other that comes after will never know. Hell, there's a picture of us the day we got married, with both sets of my grandparents. It's so special to me, and I can never hang it on the wall again. A picture of him and his mom at our wedding that is wonderful, that was banished to a drawer along with other wedding memories a year and a half ago. I'll keep those for our kids, of course, but it still hurts to know that that part of my/our life, is over. 

And, I've moved into a new category. I can't check "married" anymore, or even "single." I'm divorced. I don't care really, makes no difference. I don't think one is any better than the other. But still, a new category. 

After I collected myself a bit, I started writing him a letter, but the tears started coming again, so much I couldn't even see the screen. But, I will finish the letter, and send to him. I don't know if he'll read it. But, it will make me feel better. I want him to know I don't think he's a bad person. I know at one time he knew that, but I fear that in his distorted view of everything, he may have forgotten. I want to remind him that he will always be welcome in our children's lives, so long as he is sober. If it's not for 5 years, so be it. But i want him to know that it's ok to contact me to see them. 

I still love him as a person, as the father of my children. If not for him, I wouldn't have the exact 3 that I do. And they are the kids I was meant to have, I firmly believe that. I want the best for him, and if he ever asked for my help, I would jump to give it. 

I think it was a year and eight months ago that I first talked with a therapist about all of this. Even then, I knew in a very small corner of my brain what I wanted the end result to be, I just needed someone to help. I knew I was not meant to be with him for the rest of my life. It didn't feel good anymore, and hadn't for years, to be honest. As I told her my story, she slowly encouraged me to walk down the path that would lead to this day. I fought it at times, but I got here. I ALWAYS said that before I even made the first move toward divorce that I wanted to know that I tried everything to save our marriage (which essentially meant trying everything that I could to save him). I honestly feel like I did. I have no regrets about that, no "what if we'd tried this or done that." Knowing that brings me some peace in this.

papers signed

Late last week brought a whirlwind of emotions/anxiety.

After a lot of back and forth with attorney (due to my misunderstanding), I received our affidavits and judgement, all which needed to be signed, and the affidavits notarized.

I had had no contact with D since the threats. I began e-mailing/texting on Wed, letting him know I had the papers and we needed to sign, and could he met Thur or Fri. He didn't respond. As usual with anything to do with him, my anxiety went through the roof. It was HORRIBLE. I let it go until Thursday morning. Historically, I KNOW that repeated attempted contacts with him do NOT work. If anything, it causes him to take LONGER to respond. So, I lied. I sent him a text and told him that I understood that he many not be comfortable leaving his condo, so that I was more than happy to bring a notary to him. He responded less than 15 minutes later that he would meet me on Friday.

Going in to Thursday night, I was still mad/upset about the threats and how he felt it was acceptable to say things like that. I woke up Fri morning to see this on FB. I should preface this by saying that I usually get a warning text from a friend when something that might upset me is posted. This time, I didn't, as he posted about 1 am and I saw it before 7 am.

"As I'm about to sign the final divorce paperwork tomorrow morning. I want to thank Stacey for being the best wife a man could ever have. The best mom in the world who after many struggles blessed us with the three most perfect children in the world. We purchased two homes together. It has been the best 14 years of my life. Thank you!!!"

My heart stopped when I read it. Instant tears, and I must have gasped or something b/c I remember J looking very concerned. I threw my phone at him, he read it, and then just rolled over and gave me a hug. I can't even put into words what I was feeling. For a brief second, I assumed it was sincere, but then I got pissed b/c I thought he was being manipulative. My main thought was "how DARE he say that?" Initially, I wasn't even upset that it was so visible, it was just really "how does he have the balls to say that." I went through every emotion. 

I will honestly say that there was about 10 seconds, that's all it lasted, that I thought, OMG maybe we can make this work. Maybe he really does want to make this work. But then, that thought was gone. 1) I know he's not capable and 2) I've moved on, with no regrets, and plan to keep it that way. 

J, God bless him, told me he thought that D was being sincere and that perhaps the 14 years really were his best. Hours later, I realized this probably was/is the case, and that even though he thinks that, I have my own perspective on those 14 years. The passing out, the being called a bitch in a drunken stupor, the DUI's, the jail bail-outs, the hurt feelings he caused others, the blood on my floor b/c he did something stupid. It brought up things that I had COMPLETELY forgotten about, or out and out denied happening, even in my own head. 

I met him at the bank with mixed emotions. I had SO wanted to be pissed at him, and partially was, but mostly I was sad. Divorce is sad, especially when it's yours. He was waiting for me. We walked to the banker, and I could FEEL D looking at me. I refused to look back. I didn't want to start crying. I had tears in my eyes as it was and didn't want to give him the satisfaction.

It took all of 5 minutes, and then he followed me out of the bank, trying to make small talk. This is D. Can never have a serious conversation. We just ended an 11 year marriage, and he wants to talk about the construction across the street. I supposed I didn't do much better. I immediately went on the defensive and started showering him with questions about the threats. He told me to forget it, that it was done in a drunken haze and shouldn't have been said, and that he would apologize. Then, I immediately started confronting him about how S had been in the ICU. His response? "I'm on FB. I saw." "Really? Then you couldn't visit? Couldn't call me to check on her? Couldn't send a fucking balloon??" And then, I went THERE. "The next time you want to threaten J, you should know that HE was the one that was there with me. That HE met me in the ER and stayed for 48 hours. That HE needed to leave, but didn't because she cried for him to stay." God help me, I know I went too far, I KNOW it, but it just came out, it was just POURING out of my mouth. It was NOT the time to bring him up, and I knew that, but the connection with the threats and then her being in the hospital, in my mind at that time, it made sense. 

He responded with "yeah, and he's telling me I'm not welcome to see my kids." He was referring to the very first e-mail that J sent to him after the threat "stay away from her and the kids." I told him that he was NEVER told that he wasn't welcome, and that he knew what he had to do to see them. At that point, he slammed the car door and drove away.

I don't know what made me think I could go back to work after signing the papers. I was exhausted. I did meet a friend for lunch, but then headed home. I closed the curtains and crawled under the covers. I relived some of the 14 years. A lot good, especially at the beginning, but SO much bad, throughout. How he thinks he hasn't changed is beyond me. 

I know I did the right thing, for me and my kids. I'm not sure it was the best thing for him, but I can't dwell on that. He's an adult. He has to take care of himself. I do predict that he'll be dead in 12 months. He can't sustain the level he is drinking. He could barely sign his name. He used to have such a distinctive signature, and now, even knowing him, I can barely tell that it's his. 

I'm REALLY working on something. I get SO mad when he/his friends talk about his kids like he's the best dad ever. It infuriates me. But in conversations with J, I realize that, at the end of the day, it's not the worst thing in the world if he has his friends thinking this. It's not hurting me. it's not hurting our kids. If he gets any sort of satisfaction from that, so be it. So for now, I'm really going to try to overlook it, as right now, it's only causing me anxiety/anger. I will try to let it go. 

threats

So. J and I were out on Sat night when my sister sent me a text saying WTF?. I knew it could only be D, so I hopped on FB to find the following comment to J's "relationship status" post from last week.


"Always keep in the back of your head that I can and will show you the worst ass beating of your life."

I was in shock. J was livid. We didn't really even know what to say. I mean seriously, what do you say? J thought D was referring to me. I thought he was referring to J (since it was a comment on J's post). Regardless...who says that? J sent him a private message. Lovely first contact between the two, don't you think. He let me see each thing he sent before sending. The first was just simply "stay away from her and the kids." There were a few other exchanges, when it came out that the threat was actually to J, not me, and he went in to more detail. We haven't heard anything from him since J's last response.  I'm debating a restraining order, but really want to wait until the divorce is final.  I don't want anything to hold it up.  He's clearly delusional.

And, WHY the threats in the first place? Because J is in my life, and D isn't? The majority of that is his own fault. Because J has more contact with the kids than D does? Again, that's his own doing. There's no logical reason for the anger towards J. None. Also, he e-mailed his cousin privately, basically mother-fucking her because she appears to be on my "side." "I'm family, she's not. We wouldn't have these kids if it weren't for my mom." Referencing the fact that his mom helped us pay for an IVF cycle.

I am ready, just so SO ready to out him. I'm not talking about the mental illness or even the alcoholism, but I want people to know what kind of dad he is. It's been TEN weeks. TEN, since he's seen his kids.  At dinner on Sat night, before we saw that message J and I were talking about at what point do I just say enough is enough, and forever deny him access to his kids. And if it got to that point, what would I say, how would I tell them? It's not to that point yet, but J's thought is how much longer can we keep saying that daddy is sick? And he's right. It's a cop-out on my part. And in the back of my mind I wonder what it would do to D to be denied total access.  And then I think of his threats.  He doesn't deserve my thoughts, but he still gets them, although significantly less and less.

And then there is J, who has been ridiculously supportive since D's little outburst. I've been really overwhelmed and emotional since Sat night, and he's right there. And, just as important, he's held his shit together. I know he's pissed, and has every right. But he's reacting and responding in appropriate ways.  I just can't imagine life without him. Ever.

At our new school, they e-mail me each morning with that plan for the day, including topics that will be discussed. Today, the twins are learning how to say dad in french and spanish. I cringed when I saw it, and told J. His response? "They need to teach them how to say step-dad.

I love him, and his goofy sideways hat:)

10 years off my life

I struggle to walk to my mailbox. It's often not checked for 3-4 days at a time. I checked this morning, first time in maybe a week, and was looking through it as I walked back inside. I saw an envelope from D, business size, his writing addressing it to me. I started shaking. Given the recent suicide of Robin Williams, it's been forefront in my mind. It was sent on Friday, the day S went to the hospital. Now, logically, I knew he was still alive, since I'd seen him log on to FB on Sun night, but that wasn't registering.

I ripped it open and saw a few pieces of notebook paper. Fear/anxiety kept rising. Out fell two keys and a check to me. He had made copies of his front door keys, and sent me a check to help with daycare. I seriously almost just fell right there in the kitchen floor, from relief.

I've always envisioned finding out he killed himself, but never this. In my mind, it's alway a call from a hospital/police. When I see a strange number on my phone, regardless of time of day, my heart always skips a beat.

So, phew. For now, I guess.

In more happy news, lol, J outed us on FB last night. I'd made up my mind I wasn't going to say anything. Even once my divorce is final, I was still not sure if I'd be so public about our relationship, just b/c it seems a bit juvenile/immature. BUT, he did it. I was shocked actually. He's not a FB addict like me, lol. I actually got the notification that he had done it, but pretended I didn't know when he came back to the bedroom. He was trying to be sneaky saying he had just seen such and such on FB and had I watched the video yet. Nope, sure didn't. Finally, he pulled up his page and showed me. I just started giggling. I'm a huge dork, but love that he did it.

Also, I told him last night I'd downloaded an app to help me run a 10K. D would have either laughed, or rolled his eyes. J said "when do we start? What race did you pick?" I love him, and his support.

bad, bad weekend

My sweet little S spent Fri and Sat night in the PICU, due to an asthma attack on Friday at school. I KNEW something wasn't quite right, but couldn't put my finger on it. I wasn't shocked at all to receive a call from her school about 1 on Friday, asking if they should take her to urgent care. I was in my car when she called, so I flipped around and headed to school to see what was going on. She was in obvious distress. I try really hard not to abuse the ER, hoping to save it for true emergencies, but I could tell this was one.

When we got there, the nurse listened to her lungs, threw down the stethoscope and ran for the dr. In the end, the hospital I took her to could not provide the level of care that she needed, so she had to be taken by ambulance to another hospital. I had a feeling it was leading up to this, as all of the interventions they were trying were not helping. But when the dr broke the news, I started sobbing. It is scary SHIT when your child can't breathe. I was also frantically trying to figure out the logistics of how the situation would work. The twins were still at school. My parents knew what was going on and were actually in the area, so I had asked them to please not head home until a decision was made. J also told me to keep him updated and he was ready to revise his plans as needed, offering to stay with the twins overnight, should S be admitted.

In the end, she was admitted to ICU. My parents took the twins to their house. J, who had O that day, dropped him off at 7 and headed to meet me in the ER. We headed to the ICU about 7:30 on Fri night and were there until 2:30 am on Sunday morning, when she was well enough to handle a regular room (and there was immediate need for her ICU space for another child). With the exception of an hour or 2 late on Friday night when J ran home to grab stuff for us, he was there until Sunday morning, when he had to leave to get O and spend the day with him.

He was awesome and amazing, and helped me take care of S. He brushed her hair and made her laugh and even brought her Cinderella dress from home, in case she wanted to feel pretty. He helped me answer questions from the drs. He helped me hold her when she was combative from all the albuterol they were putting in to her little body. He took the place of her dad. She never asked for D. But, when J suggested on Sat night that he might need to leave to take care of some things, she begged him to stay, and he did.

Visitors have to wear stickers, stating patients last name and a few other pieces of info. You get these stickers from the front desk at the hospital. Interestingly enough, J's sticker labeled him as her parent/guardian. I have no idea if this was assumed by the person making the sticker, or what, but it was sweet and I liked it:)

At one point, one of the respiratory therapists asked me to compare J's breathing to S's. She said "look at your husband's neck. See how it looks right now?" I must have gotten just a stricken look on my face. J busted out laughing and explained he was boyfriend, not husband. Therapist was mortified.

Another time, J was showing her some pics on his computer. One was of his mom and step-dad. He briefly tried to explain step-dad to her, and then under his breathe said "you might have a step-dad some day." He looked at me and I could FEEL the blush on my face.

I swear, if I was not "sold" before, this weekend sealed the deal. And even before the weekend, last Thursday, I was in ridiculous pain from a pulled muscle in my back. J got up, woke up all 3, got them dressed and in the car for me to take to daycare. And he does it so easily. there is no frustration, no agitation like with D, 150% patience most of the time (and when he loses patience, it's completely understandable).

We always joke about "real world" and I've warned him from the beginning how chaotic my real world has the ability to be. But Sunday morning about 3 am, when S was moved to her new room, and we were sitting next to each other with his arm around me (half asleep ourselves), and we were watching her sleep in this almost dark hospital room, that's when I knew he had for sure made his way into our real world.

He texted me Sun morning, after he and O had breakfast, asking if S could see out her window. He had driven back to the hospital and was holding O and they were waving to her from the street.

Switching gears...I did not call/email/text D about what was going on. I was under no legal obligation to tell him, and since it's going on 10 weeks since he's seen his kids, I didn't give a rats ass. I do know that he was not on FB for several day, and didn't get on until Sunday night, so he missed the posts I made (primarily for his benefit). But, he's seen them know I KNOW, and I haven't received any form of communication from him asking how she is. Nothing. I at the very least had expected him to call bitching me out b/c I hadn't informed him, but I didn't even get that. Bastard.

He took these Thursday night. We were all sitting at the table, I was looking down and when I looked up there were in my lap and he was taking pics. I might have died just a little:)

The last one is of his goofy self trying desperately to cheer up S.

Soooooo.....

a bit more insight into the surprise.
Saturday was a bitch for me. We had a bday party in the morning, then met D's brother at family at the park, went home for nap and then headed to a friends surprise party. I was exhausted.
The bday party in the morning was at a Children's Museum. I don't know what made me think I could take all 3. We got there about 30 minutes before the party, so played a bit. They were barely manageable, but I did it. Then, we got to the party. A refused to sit by herself, C had paint all over him, despite a paint smock and S was clearly in need of some attention. It was a mess. I felt myself slowly melting down. It didn't help that I overhead other moms there complaining about how rough their life was (and they only had ONE kid at the party). Complaining about their younger child, who they mentioned was home with their dads. Yeah, rough life girls, real rough. I know that's mean, and I usually don't think that way, but that morning it was really lucky that I kept my mouth shut.

We left the party at 11:30, thinking we were meeting M and family at 12. He texted to say he was running late would be more like 12:30. I was livid, since we were on SUCH a tight schedule and needing to get naps in. I would have canceled but I had already told kids that we were going to the park. So, I texted M and told him we'd be there by 12, as planned, and would need to leave by 1 to get home. I knew he was pissed, but whatever. He lives 2 hours away so we don't see each other much, and I would have been more forgiving but this is the norm for him. His mom used to talk about it as "M time." If he says 5:30, you can typically plan on him showing at 7. It's just a blatant disregard for anyone else's time.

Anyway, as we were trading texts, J texted to see how things were going. I told him I was close to tears and wasn't sure how I thought I could handle all 3 by myself in a place like that. Then, he called me and let me vent. He was driving with O, out to wherever they were going that afternoon. I talked while driving to McD's to get food to take to park. He asked what park and I told him. As I was pulling out of the drive thru, through the parking lot, I looked over and he was standing outside of his car smiling at me. WTF? He said they'd been on their way, but were in no hurry, and he wanted to give me a hug. I know for a fact that this was the complete opposite direction of where they were headed. He just floors me, over and over.

He and O came to the park with us, where M and family did show up about 12:30. So now, J has met D's brother. That one was a bit awkward for me.

We made it home for nap, and then to friends party. I forgot I had a sitter for that night. I texted J to ask if he wanted to go out. Half of me needed to run screaming from my house and the other half just wanted to crawl under the covers:) We decided to go out, talking generally about getting a steak somewhere.

We're driving aimlessly, with no particular place in mind. We finally decided on a bar and grill neither had been to, and there was live music outside. It was just so nice to sit and veg out. He brought up my  ongoing issue of my paranoia that he's going to change his mind, reminding me that I could change mine just as easily. Although it didn't make complete sense, he said "At this point, I think it will take something like traumatic brain injury to change either of our minds, make us bored or complacent."  Then later, he asked if I wanted to know the "surprise" he had been talking about.

Apparently, that day he'd been talking to a close (girl) friend about me, about his feelings, etc. He told her he was thinking about having a ring for me, to give me on the day my divorce is final. I'm sure I just had a blank stare on my face. He said that he had asked her opinion on if he should tell me this or not. She said no, that it would stress me out. Clearly, he chose to tell me. My response was "oh, whatever!" as in, he would never do that.  Who knows. Last night, again, he asked, "you really don't think I'll do it?" But, I know him well enough to know that if he brought it up, he's thinking something. I also know he can't afford a ring right now, so maybe some token something. We'll see!!

He also talked more generally about getting married, saying that he'd be fine with not, and that he would not view the relationship as anything less if we didn't. He's concerned, as he has mentioned before, that his financial situation might impact me and my kids. While he has a very stable, reliable job, he doesn't get taxes taken out of his paychecks, and wouldn't want any tax implications to impact me. That's definitely something to work through. He went on to say that a marriage is the "ultimate declaration of love" and he regrets doing that with his ex, and that if that's what I wanted, he was more than onboard. I know myself. If it gets to that point, yes, I need to be married. False sense of security? Yes, but I still need it.

So there you have it. Something is most definitely brewing!

Oh, and also...he's been mentioning to me for awhile now that there's a Disney trip planned for next summer. His mom and step-dad have a timeshare in Orlando, and it would be O's first trip. He's jokingly said that if I play my cards right, me and my kids can go too. I've never brought it up, he has. On Sat night at dinner, he said that his mom mentioned something about if they wait another year (so summer 2016), then they could double their points and get a place big enough for all of us. He admitted that he has said relatively little about me to her, but she must be able to tell from WHAT he says, that it's serious (and so she's thinking I'll still be around in two years).  This is all just craziness.

It's August!

I hope to be divorced this month:)

My papers were filed on July 23, and there's a 30 day wait. My lawyer has already talked to the judge, and with any luck, this will all be done this month.

D has not seen his kids in 8 weeks. I've had no contact with him since seeing him at the bank 2 weeks ago. I did talk to our financial advisor earlier this week, who said he had made NO contact with her, meaning that the money he said was on the way was only a lie. Go figure.

Both of the twins (even C) talk about him. "Daddy's not coming tonight. Daddy's sick. Daddy's at his condo. When will we see him? Daddy doesn't want to get us sick."  My heart breaks for them, for each of them in different ways, b/c they are all handling it differently. I suppose this is their first taste of "life's not fair" but what I way to learn that lesson. For a few weeks, any time A got mad at me, she'd scream "I want my daddy!" She seems to be done with it, so hopefully just a phase that possibly came from daycare.

J, of course, continue to be fabulous. I continue to struggle, although less and less, with things like believing this is real, that he won't up and leave, that he does love me and my kids.  He's quite aware of my fear of rejection, lol, but deals with it very well:)

Something is going on in his brain, that he's not completely sharing. Earlier this week I had one of those days that I just needed some reassurance. I read back through some older texts and thought well "just b/c he said it then doesn't mean he still does." Just seeing me, he KNEW something was going on in my head "what's going on up there??" I told him, generally, and he said "to me, things are great, they continue to be awesome." He, apparently, was having the opposite kind of day that day, as he said something like "I was actually thinking the opposite today. Things get better and better." Then he started to say something else and said noooo, we'll keep that as a surprise. When I asked about it later that night, he just said "all in due time." Jerk, lol:)

Then, a few nights later, I mentioned that I'd gotten confirmation from attorney that papers had been filed. "So, you'll be a free woman in 30 days." Um yes, yes I will. He mentioned something about C and O when they are 18, and crazy, and how we'll have our hands full..with a silly grin on his face.

I the same convo, I told him about D's cousin, and her husband, who met online and were engaged 8 months later. I didn't say it in the context of us, but rather because she was just diagnosed with MS. Again, silly grin, "so they met online and were engaged 8 months later."

Anyway, something seems to be brewing but luckily I'm too busy to focus on it too much. Who knows what will happen.