Regret

This has been bugging me, and it works its way into my thoughts daily. I don't necessarily feel guilt, for anything really. But I do feel regret. For not knowing he was in the hospital for so long. I know that was completely out of my control and there was absolutely nothing I could have done about it, but the scenarios I've played out in my head, had I known...well I just wish I'd known.

Was he lonely during that time? Was he even alert? Aside from the day the dr called to tell me he was headed to the ICU, I never really talked to anyone about what happened during those first 10 days.

I could have visited. Maybe not daily, but I could have stopped by to let him know someone cared. It's very possible he didn't want anyone there, even me, maybe even ESPECIALLY me, and I get that. I'm sure there was a phone in his room. I'm sure at some point he was cognizant enough that he could have reached out if he'd wanted, or had a nurse call.  But maybe not. The encephalopathy caused by the hepatitis left him very confused.

I could have taken the kids to see him. They could have seen him ALIVE. They could have said goodbye. Maybe seeing them would have given him incentive to fight and to try to get better. But, was that already a losing battle anyway? He deteriorated while in the hospital. I suppose he was heading for death, regardless of his possible motivation to change his behaviors.

We could have talked. Well, I could have talked. Getting Dan to talk on a GOOD day was almost impossible. But yes, I could have talked. I could have looked him in the eye and TALKED to him and known that he heard me. Selfish? Maybe, but I think I earned it. I would have told him the same things I told him while he was in the ICU but maybe he would have responded. Maybe he would have told me to get the hell away and not come back, or maybe he would have told me that he loved me too.

I don't regret anything about making the final decision that led to him moving out. I knew that, despite so many telling me I'd gone above and beyond, that I wasn't ready to throw in the towel. It wasn't time, until it was. And I can look back at that time and feel not good, but at least content that I'd tried everything I knew to try, and had essentially run out of options.

Same thing with moving from separation to divorce. I don't regret the timing of it. I was content for quite awhile and saw no good reason to move quickly so I didn't. Until I met Justin, and knew that I was ready to move forward. And my meeting Justin, encouraged some bad behavior from Dan, which made me realize that was the right time to move towards divorce. If I hadn't met anyone, maybe we'll still just be separated. Or maybe not. But regardless, I don't regret it.

But not getting to spend more time with him in his last few weeks, I regret it so much that it hurts. To not have had the opportunity to what, I don't know. But I didn't have it, so we'll never know. And no, I don't think that I could have miraculously turned him around during that time. But we could have said our peace. Or I could have, at least one last time. And I did get to...I just wish it had been when he had the opportunity to respond.