Blah, things are moving along, away from the day he died, and then BAM something slams into me, or one of my kids and it takes me back there, and back to him in general.
Last night, S mentioned that for my birthday on Sunday we should go out to dinner. I told her that was a great idea, as long as I got to pick, since it was MY bday. She (thankfully!) agreed, and then said "and when it's Father's Day, Justin can pick where HE wants to go." And then she moved on to the twins b-day and then to hers. But my head, and heart, were stuck on the comment she made about J.
How can she easily forget D? How? I played out different scenarios in my head about what she meant. I *hope,*although realize it's most likely not the case, that she said that about J simply because he's a father, not because she was not thinking about her own.
I mentioned it to him last night and he said that C and S have seemed to seek him out more since D died. A always has--they're most definitely buds and have been from the start, but there's been a change with the other two, especially S. He said maybe they've transferred their feelings about Dan to Justin. And I lost it. Although it may be true, and ultimately what I knew would happen, it's not even been three weeks.
It's not fair to Dan that they are doing this. He was their dad. IS their dad. God damn this just breaks my heart. And why in the HELL is this bothering me so much, after he put me through so much. He's their DAD. And while he was alive the possibility of being a good dad was always there. Now that he's not though, my children, HIS children, are ready to forget him.
I know this is healthy. I just didn't expect it to happen so quickly. And, at the same time as S is making this "transition" to J, she's having a lot of somatic complaints that I realized last night are from her grief. At school the last two days her teacher told me she's been VERY quiet, and also for the past few days she's been complaining of stomach aches and headaches. Physically, there's no good reason (and I see no evidence to the contrary) that she would have these. It's her little heads way of processing. Two nights ago she asked me to hold her and she wrapped her self up really tight in her blanket and just cuddled with me. This is not S lol. And then last night, she was tearful for the better part of an hour because her had and belly hurt.
I realized last night that the twins will not remember Dan. Nothing concrete anyway. Nothing other than "he is ashes." I'm so glad I took as many pictures as I did, although now it doesn't seem nearly enough.
All of this is just so difficult... There is so much for each of you to process, to work through, to live with. I know it seems so fast for the babies to be moving forward (their getting closer to J, S mentioning him when talking about Father's day, etc.) but in reality, D hasn't truly been a dad to them in a VERY long time. J has been there as a constant in their lives while D wasn't, so for them, it really hasn't been a fast transition. It has taken place over a long time period and because D is now gone, I think it just seems more apparent to you. D will always be their father and as they grow, they will know this and understand this and as terribly sad as it is that he is gone, it is WONDERFUL that they have a man in their lives who can fulfill this role. (and there is NOTHING wrong with that) Being a dad is about far more than biology and the reality of it is, D checked out of that role long ago. I'm not placing blame, just stating a fact. D was biologically their father, but J has been more of a dad to them than D ever was and that is ok.
ReplyDeleteMy nephew was just a little younger than S when my sister died... so I do understand a lot of how S is dealing with things. It's understandable and normal and she will get through it and be ok. Just keep encouraging her to talk about things when she wants to, remember good memories of Daddy and know that all of those photos that you took over the years will be beyond precious to her (and the twins) in the future. Wounds are still new and fresh right now. It has only been a few weeks... There will be ups and downs but in the end, what truly matters, is that they know that Daddy loved them and that Mommy and J are there for them now and always.