I struggle to walk to my mailbox. It's often not checked for 3-4 days at a time. I checked this morning, first time in maybe a week, and was looking through it as I walked back inside. I saw an envelope from D, business size, his writing addressing it to me. I started shaking. Given the recent suicide of Robin Williams, it's been forefront in my mind. It was sent on Friday, the day S went to the hospital. Now, logically, I knew he was still alive, since I'd seen him log on to FB on Sun night, but that wasn't registering.
I ripped it open and saw a few pieces of notebook paper. Fear/anxiety kept rising. Out fell two keys and a check to me. He had made copies of his front door keys, and sent me a check to help with daycare. I seriously almost just fell right there in the kitchen floor, from relief.
I've always envisioned finding out he killed himself, but never this. In my mind, it's alway a call from a hospital/police. When I see a strange number on my phone, regardless of time of day, my heart always skips a beat.
So, phew. For now, I guess.
In more happy news, lol, J outed us on FB last night. I'd made up my mind I wasn't going to say anything. Even once my divorce is final, I was still not sure if I'd be so public about our relationship, just b/c it seems a bit juvenile/immature. BUT, he did it. I was shocked actually. He's not a FB addict like me, lol. I actually got the notification that he had done it, but pretended I didn't know when he came back to the bedroom. He was trying to be sneaky saying he had just seen such and such on FB and had I watched the video yet. Nope, sure didn't. Finally, he pulled up his page and showed me. I just started giggling. I'm a huge dork, but love that he did it.
Also, I told him last night I'd downloaded an app to help me run a 10K. D would have either laughed, or rolled his eyes. J said "when do we start? What race did you pick?" I love him, and his support.
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
bad, bad weekend
My sweet little S spent Fri and Sat night in the PICU, due to an asthma attack on Friday at school. I KNEW something wasn't quite right, but couldn't put my finger on it. I wasn't shocked at all to receive a call from her school about 1 on Friday, asking if they should take her to urgent care. I was in my car when she called, so I flipped around and headed to school to see what was going on. She was in obvious distress. I try really hard not to abuse the ER, hoping to save it for true emergencies, but I could tell this was one.
When we got there, the nurse listened to her lungs, threw down the stethoscope and ran for the dr. In the end, the hospital I took her to could not provide the level of care that she needed, so she had to be taken by ambulance to another hospital. I had a feeling it was leading up to this, as all of the interventions they were trying were not helping. But when the dr broke the news, I started sobbing. It is scary SHIT when your child can't breathe. I was also frantically trying to figure out the logistics of how the situation would work. The twins were still at school. My parents knew what was going on and were actually in the area, so I had asked them to please not head home until a decision was made. J also told me to keep him updated and he was ready to revise his plans as needed, offering to stay with the twins overnight, should S be admitted.
In the end, she was admitted to ICU. My parents took the twins to their house. J, who had O that day, dropped him off at 7 and headed to meet me in the ER. We headed to the ICU about 7:30 on Fri night and were there until 2:30 am on Sunday morning, when she was well enough to handle a regular room (and there was immediate need for her ICU space for another child). With the exception of an hour or 2 late on Friday night when J ran home to grab stuff for us, he was there until Sunday morning, when he had to leave to get O and spend the day with him.
He was awesome and amazing, and helped me take care of S. He brushed her hair and made her laugh and even brought her Cinderella dress from home, in case she wanted to feel pretty. He helped me answer questions from the drs. He helped me hold her when she was combative from all the albuterol they were putting in to her little body. He took the place of her dad. She never asked for D. But, when J suggested on Sat night that he might need to leave to take care of some things, she begged him to stay, and he did.
Visitors have to wear stickers, stating patients last name and a few other pieces of info. You get these stickers from the front desk at the hospital. Interestingly enough, J's sticker labeled him as her parent/guardian. I have no idea if this was assumed by the person making the sticker, or what, but it was sweet and I liked it:)
At one point, one of the respiratory therapists asked me to compare J's breathing to S's. She said "look at your husband's neck. See how it looks right now?" I must have gotten just a stricken look on my face. J busted out laughing and explained he was boyfriend, not husband. Therapist was mortified.
Another time, J was showing her some pics on his computer. One was of his mom and step-dad. He briefly tried to explain step-dad to her, and then under his breathe said "you might have a step-dad some day." He looked at me and I could FEEL the blush on my face.
I swear, if I was not "sold" before, this weekend sealed the deal. And even before the weekend, last Thursday, I was in ridiculous pain from a pulled muscle in my back. J got up, woke up all 3, got them dressed and in the car for me to take to daycare. And he does it so easily. there is no frustration, no agitation like with D, 150% patience most of the time (and when he loses patience, it's completely understandable).
We always joke about "real world" and I've warned him from the beginning how chaotic my real world has the ability to be. But Sunday morning about 3 am, when S was moved to her new room, and we were sitting next to each other with his arm around me (half asleep ourselves), and we were watching her sleep in this almost dark hospital room, that's when I knew he had for sure made his way into our real world.
He texted me Sun morning, after he and O had breakfast, asking if S could see out her window. He had driven back to the hospital and was holding O and they were waving to her from the street.
Switching gears...I did not call/email/text D about what was going on. I was under no legal obligation to tell him, and since it's going on 10 weeks since he's seen his kids, I didn't give a rats ass. I do know that he was not on FB for several day, and didn't get on until Sunday night, so he missed the posts I made (primarily for his benefit). But, he's seen them know I KNOW, and I haven't received any form of communication from him asking how she is. Nothing. I at the very least had expected him to call bitching me out b/c I hadn't informed him, but I didn't even get that. Bastard.
He took these Thursday night. We were all sitting at the table, I was looking down and when I looked up there were in my lap and he was taking pics. I might have died just a little:)
The last one is of his goofy self trying desperately to cheer up S.
When we got there, the nurse listened to her lungs, threw down the stethoscope and ran for the dr. In the end, the hospital I took her to could not provide the level of care that she needed, so she had to be taken by ambulance to another hospital. I had a feeling it was leading up to this, as all of the interventions they were trying were not helping. But when the dr broke the news, I started sobbing. It is scary SHIT when your child can't breathe. I was also frantically trying to figure out the logistics of how the situation would work. The twins were still at school. My parents knew what was going on and were actually in the area, so I had asked them to please not head home until a decision was made. J also told me to keep him updated and he was ready to revise his plans as needed, offering to stay with the twins overnight, should S be admitted.
In the end, she was admitted to ICU. My parents took the twins to their house. J, who had O that day, dropped him off at 7 and headed to meet me in the ER. We headed to the ICU about 7:30 on Fri night and were there until 2:30 am on Sunday morning, when she was well enough to handle a regular room (and there was immediate need for her ICU space for another child). With the exception of an hour or 2 late on Friday night when J ran home to grab stuff for us, he was there until Sunday morning, when he had to leave to get O and spend the day with him.
He was awesome and amazing, and helped me take care of S. He brushed her hair and made her laugh and even brought her Cinderella dress from home, in case she wanted to feel pretty. He helped me answer questions from the drs. He helped me hold her when she was combative from all the albuterol they were putting in to her little body. He took the place of her dad. She never asked for D. But, when J suggested on Sat night that he might need to leave to take care of some things, she begged him to stay, and he did.
Visitors have to wear stickers, stating patients last name and a few other pieces of info. You get these stickers from the front desk at the hospital. Interestingly enough, J's sticker labeled him as her parent/guardian. I have no idea if this was assumed by the person making the sticker, or what, but it was sweet and I liked it:)
At one point, one of the respiratory therapists asked me to compare J's breathing to S's. She said "look at your husband's neck. See how it looks right now?" I must have gotten just a stricken look on my face. J busted out laughing and explained he was boyfriend, not husband. Therapist was mortified.
Another time, J was showing her some pics on his computer. One was of his mom and step-dad. He briefly tried to explain step-dad to her, and then under his breathe said "you might have a step-dad some day." He looked at me and I could FEEL the blush on my face.
I swear, if I was not "sold" before, this weekend sealed the deal. And even before the weekend, last Thursday, I was in ridiculous pain from a pulled muscle in my back. J got up, woke up all 3, got them dressed and in the car for me to take to daycare. And he does it so easily. there is no frustration, no agitation like with D, 150% patience most of the time (and when he loses patience, it's completely understandable).
We always joke about "real world" and I've warned him from the beginning how chaotic my real world has the ability to be. But Sunday morning about 3 am, when S was moved to her new room, and we were sitting next to each other with his arm around me (half asleep ourselves), and we were watching her sleep in this almost dark hospital room, that's when I knew he had for sure made his way into our real world.
He texted me Sun morning, after he and O had breakfast, asking if S could see out her window. He had driven back to the hospital and was holding O and they were waving to her from the street.
Switching gears...I did not call/email/text D about what was going on. I was under no legal obligation to tell him, and since it's going on 10 weeks since he's seen his kids, I didn't give a rats ass. I do know that he was not on FB for several day, and didn't get on until Sunday night, so he missed the posts I made (primarily for his benefit). But, he's seen them know I KNOW, and I haven't received any form of communication from him asking how she is. Nothing. I at the very least had expected him to call bitching me out b/c I hadn't informed him, but I didn't even get that. Bastard.
He took these Thursday night. We were all sitting at the table, I was looking down and when I looked up there were in my lap and he was taking pics. I might have died just a little:)
The last one is of his goofy self trying desperately to cheer up S.
Monday, August 4, 2014
Soooooo.....
a bit more insight into the surprise.
Saturday was a bitch for me. We had a bday party in the morning, then met D's brother at family at the park, went home for nap and then headed to a friends surprise party. I was exhausted.
The bday party in the morning was at a Children's Museum. I don't know what made me think I could take all 3. We got there about 30 minutes before the party, so played a bit. They were barely manageable, but I did it. Then, we got to the party. A refused to sit by herself, C had paint all over him, despite a paint smock and S was clearly in need of some attention. It was a mess. I felt myself slowly melting down. It didn't help that I overhead other moms there complaining about how rough their life was (and they only had ONE kid at the party). Complaining about their younger child, who they mentioned was home with their dads. Yeah, rough life girls, real rough. I know that's mean, and I usually don't think that way, but that morning it was really lucky that I kept my mouth shut.
We left the party at 11:30, thinking we were meeting M and family at 12. He texted to say he was running late would be more like 12:30. I was livid, since we were on SUCH a tight schedule and needing to get naps in. I would have canceled but I had already told kids that we were going to the park. So, I texted M and told him we'd be there by 12, as planned, and would need to leave by 1 to get home. I knew he was pissed, but whatever. He lives 2 hours away so we don't see each other much, and I would have been more forgiving but this is the norm for him. His mom used to talk about it as "M time." If he says 5:30, you can typically plan on him showing at 7. It's just a blatant disregard for anyone else's time.
Anyway, as we were trading texts, J texted to see how things were going. I told him I was close to tears and wasn't sure how I thought I could handle all 3 by myself in a place like that. Then, he called me and let me vent. He was driving with O, out to wherever they were going that afternoon. I talked while driving to McD's to get food to take to park. He asked what park and I told him. As I was pulling out of the drive thru, through the parking lot, I looked over and he was standing outside of his car smiling at me. WTF? He said they'd been on their way, but were in no hurry, and he wanted to give me a hug. I know for a fact that this was the complete opposite direction of where they were headed. He just floors me, over and over.
He and O came to the park with us, where M and family did show up about 12:30. So now, J has met D's brother. That one was a bit awkward for me.
We made it home for nap, and then to friends party. I forgot I had a sitter for that night. I texted J to ask if he wanted to go out. Half of me needed to run screaming from my house and the other half just wanted to crawl under the covers:) We decided to go out, talking generally about getting a steak somewhere.
We're driving aimlessly, with no particular place in mind. We finally decided on a bar and grill neither had been to, and there was live music outside. It was just so nice to sit and veg out. He brought up my ongoing issue of my paranoia that he's going to change his mind, reminding me that I could change mine just as easily. Although it didn't make complete sense, he said "At this point, I think it will take something like traumatic brain injury to change either of our minds, make us bored or complacent." Then later, he asked if I wanted to know the "surprise" he had been talking about.
Apparently, that day he'd been talking to a close (girl) friend about me, about his feelings, etc. He told her he was thinking about having a ring for me, to give me on the day my divorce is final. I'm sure I just had a blank stare on my face. He said that he had asked her opinion on if he should tell me this or not. She said no, that it would stress me out. Clearly, he chose to tell me. My response was "oh, whatever!" as in, he would never do that. Who knows. Last night, again, he asked, "you really don't think I'll do it?" But, I know him well enough to know that if he brought it up, he's thinking something. I also know he can't afford a ring right now, so maybe some token something. We'll see!!
He also talked more generally about getting married, saying that he'd be fine with not, and that he would not view the relationship as anything less if we didn't. He's concerned, as he has mentioned before, that his financial situation might impact me and my kids. While he has a very stable, reliable job, he doesn't get taxes taken out of his paychecks, and wouldn't want any tax implications to impact me. That's definitely something to work through. He went on to say that a marriage is the "ultimate declaration of love" and he regrets doing that with his ex, and that if that's what I wanted, he was more than onboard. I know myself. If it gets to that point, yes, I need to be married. False sense of security? Yes, but I still need it.
So there you have it. Something is most definitely brewing!
Oh, and also...he's been mentioning to me for awhile now that there's a Disney trip planned for next summer. His mom and step-dad have a timeshare in Orlando, and it would be O's first trip. He's jokingly said that if I play my cards right, me and my kids can go too. I've never brought it up, he has. On Sat night at dinner, he said that his mom mentioned something about if they wait another year (so summer 2016), then they could double their points and get a place big enough for all of us. He admitted that he has said relatively little about me to her, but she must be able to tell from WHAT he says, that it's serious (and so she's thinking I'll still be around in two years). This is all just craziness.
Saturday was a bitch for me. We had a bday party in the morning, then met D's brother at family at the park, went home for nap and then headed to a friends surprise party. I was exhausted.
The bday party in the morning was at a Children's Museum. I don't know what made me think I could take all 3. We got there about 30 minutes before the party, so played a bit. They were barely manageable, but I did it. Then, we got to the party. A refused to sit by herself, C had paint all over him, despite a paint smock and S was clearly in need of some attention. It was a mess. I felt myself slowly melting down. It didn't help that I overhead other moms there complaining about how rough their life was (and they only had ONE kid at the party). Complaining about their younger child, who they mentioned was home with their dads. Yeah, rough life girls, real rough. I know that's mean, and I usually don't think that way, but that morning it was really lucky that I kept my mouth shut.
We left the party at 11:30, thinking we were meeting M and family at 12. He texted to say he was running late would be more like 12:30. I was livid, since we were on SUCH a tight schedule and needing to get naps in. I would have canceled but I had already told kids that we were going to the park. So, I texted M and told him we'd be there by 12, as planned, and would need to leave by 1 to get home. I knew he was pissed, but whatever. He lives 2 hours away so we don't see each other much, and I would have been more forgiving but this is the norm for him. His mom used to talk about it as "M time." If he says 5:30, you can typically plan on him showing at 7. It's just a blatant disregard for anyone else's time.
Anyway, as we were trading texts, J texted to see how things were going. I told him I was close to tears and wasn't sure how I thought I could handle all 3 by myself in a place like that. Then, he called me and let me vent. He was driving with O, out to wherever they were going that afternoon. I talked while driving to McD's to get food to take to park. He asked what park and I told him. As I was pulling out of the drive thru, through the parking lot, I looked over and he was standing outside of his car smiling at me. WTF? He said they'd been on their way, but were in no hurry, and he wanted to give me a hug. I know for a fact that this was the complete opposite direction of where they were headed. He just floors me, over and over.
He and O came to the park with us, where M and family did show up about 12:30. So now, J has met D's brother. That one was a bit awkward for me.
We made it home for nap, and then to friends party. I forgot I had a sitter for that night. I texted J to ask if he wanted to go out. Half of me needed to run screaming from my house and the other half just wanted to crawl under the covers:) We decided to go out, talking generally about getting a steak somewhere.
We're driving aimlessly, with no particular place in mind. We finally decided on a bar and grill neither had been to, and there was live music outside. It was just so nice to sit and veg out. He brought up my ongoing issue of my paranoia that he's going to change his mind, reminding me that I could change mine just as easily. Although it didn't make complete sense, he said "At this point, I think it will take something like traumatic brain injury to change either of our minds, make us bored or complacent." Then later, he asked if I wanted to know the "surprise" he had been talking about.
Apparently, that day he'd been talking to a close (girl) friend about me, about his feelings, etc. He told her he was thinking about having a ring for me, to give me on the day my divorce is final. I'm sure I just had a blank stare on my face. He said that he had asked her opinion on if he should tell me this or not. She said no, that it would stress me out. Clearly, he chose to tell me. My response was "oh, whatever!" as in, he would never do that. Who knows. Last night, again, he asked, "you really don't think I'll do it?" But, I know him well enough to know that if he brought it up, he's thinking something. I also know he can't afford a ring right now, so maybe some token something. We'll see!!
He also talked more generally about getting married, saying that he'd be fine with not, and that he would not view the relationship as anything less if we didn't. He's concerned, as he has mentioned before, that his financial situation might impact me and my kids. While he has a very stable, reliable job, he doesn't get taxes taken out of his paychecks, and wouldn't want any tax implications to impact me. That's definitely something to work through. He went on to say that a marriage is the "ultimate declaration of love" and he regrets doing that with his ex, and that if that's what I wanted, he was more than onboard. I know myself. If it gets to that point, yes, I need to be married. False sense of security? Yes, but I still need it.
So there you have it. Something is most definitely brewing!
Oh, and also...he's been mentioning to me for awhile now that there's a Disney trip planned for next summer. His mom and step-dad have a timeshare in Orlando, and it would be O's first trip. He's jokingly said that if I play my cards right, me and my kids can go too. I've never brought it up, he has. On Sat night at dinner, he said that his mom mentioned something about if they wait another year (so summer 2016), then they could double their points and get a place big enough for all of us. He admitted that he has said relatively little about me to her, but she must be able to tell from WHAT he says, that it's serious (and so she's thinking I'll still be around in two years). This is all just craziness.
Friday, August 1, 2014
It's August!
I hope to be divorced this month:)
My papers were filed on July 23, and there's a 30 day wait. My lawyer has already talked to the judge, and with any luck, this will all be done this month.
D has not seen his kids in 8 weeks. I've had no contact with him since seeing him at the bank 2 weeks ago. I did talk to our financial advisor earlier this week, who said he had made NO contact with her, meaning that the money he said was on the way was only a lie. Go figure.
Both of the twins (even C) talk about him. "Daddy's not coming tonight. Daddy's sick. Daddy's at his condo. When will we see him? Daddy doesn't want to get us sick." My heart breaks for them, for each of them in different ways, b/c they are all handling it differently. I suppose this is their first taste of "life's not fair" but what I way to learn that lesson. For a few weeks, any time A got mad at me, she'd scream "I want my daddy!" She seems to be done with it, so hopefully just a phase that possibly came from daycare.
J, of course, continue to be fabulous. I continue to struggle, although less and less, with things like believing this is real, that he won't up and leave, that he does love me and my kids. He's quite aware of my fear of rejection, lol, but deals with it very well:)
Something is going on in his brain, that he's not completely sharing. Earlier this week I had one of those days that I just needed some reassurance. I read back through some older texts and thought well "just b/c he said it then doesn't mean he still does." Just seeing me, he KNEW something was going on in my head "what's going on up there??" I told him, generally, and he said "to me, things are great, they continue to be awesome." He, apparently, was having the opposite kind of day that day, as he said something like "I was actually thinking the opposite today. Things get better and better." Then he started to say something else and said noooo, we'll keep that as a surprise. When I asked about it later that night, he just said "all in due time." Jerk, lol:)
Then, a few nights later, I mentioned that I'd gotten confirmation from attorney that papers had been filed. "So, you'll be a free woman in 30 days." Um yes, yes I will. He mentioned something about C and O when they are 18, and crazy, and how we'll have our hands full..with a silly grin on his face.
I the same convo, I told him about D's cousin, and her husband, who met online and were engaged 8 months later. I didn't say it in the context of us, but rather because she was just diagnosed with MS. Again, silly grin, "so they met online and were engaged 8 months later."
Anyway, something seems to be brewing but luckily I'm too busy to focus on it too much. Who knows what will happen.
My papers were filed on July 23, and there's a 30 day wait. My lawyer has already talked to the judge, and with any luck, this will all be done this month.
D has not seen his kids in 8 weeks. I've had no contact with him since seeing him at the bank 2 weeks ago. I did talk to our financial advisor earlier this week, who said he had made NO contact with her, meaning that the money he said was on the way was only a lie. Go figure.
Both of the twins (even C) talk about him. "Daddy's not coming tonight. Daddy's sick. Daddy's at his condo. When will we see him? Daddy doesn't want to get us sick." My heart breaks for them, for each of them in different ways, b/c they are all handling it differently. I suppose this is their first taste of "life's not fair" but what I way to learn that lesson. For a few weeks, any time A got mad at me, she'd scream "I want my daddy!" She seems to be done with it, so hopefully just a phase that possibly came from daycare.
J, of course, continue to be fabulous. I continue to struggle, although less and less, with things like believing this is real, that he won't up and leave, that he does love me and my kids. He's quite aware of my fear of rejection, lol, but deals with it very well:)
Something is going on in his brain, that he's not completely sharing. Earlier this week I had one of those days that I just needed some reassurance. I read back through some older texts and thought well "just b/c he said it then doesn't mean he still does." Just seeing me, he KNEW something was going on in my head "what's going on up there??" I told him, generally, and he said "to me, things are great, they continue to be awesome." He, apparently, was having the opposite kind of day that day, as he said something like "I was actually thinking the opposite today. Things get better and better." Then he started to say something else and said noooo, we'll keep that as a surprise. When I asked about it later that night, he just said "all in due time." Jerk, lol:)
Then, a few nights later, I mentioned that I'd gotten confirmation from attorney that papers had been filed. "So, you'll be a free woman in 30 days." Um yes, yes I will. He mentioned something about C and O when they are 18, and crazy, and how we'll have our hands full..with a silly grin on his face.
I the same convo, I told him about D's cousin, and her husband, who met online and were engaged 8 months later. I didn't say it in the context of us, but rather because she was just diagnosed with MS. Again, silly grin, "so they met online and were engaged 8 months later."
Anyway, something seems to be brewing but luckily I'm too busy to focus on it too much. Who knows what will happen.
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
and just like that...
I'm bawling.
He showed up. I can't see he looked like death; I've certainly seen him look much worse, but he did look bad. Very, very bloated. His fingers looked like sausages; tremors.
He sat next to me and the first thing out of my mouth was "you couldn't respond to helping me financially with the kids, but this you responded to right away?" He told me he's working with our advisor to liquidate some stocks and will be getting $5k to me soon. "I hope that helps a bit." I was honestly shocked.
He told me that he's working with an advocate of some sort to work through the disability issue. According to him, he was told that each child would get $250 a month, and the commission was another $250, but that he would get nothing. That does NOT seem right to me. He must have misunderstood. He should get a check, as well as the kids. Regardless...that seems to be moving along too.
The notary called us back and that point and it was short and sweet. Afterwards, he needed to stay and do something with the bank but told me Sierra (our dog) was in his car. So, I went out and found her and started petting her and started sobbing. I miss her. I collected myself and happened to look down at the car. The passenger side of the car looked like he'd side-swiped something. When I asked him about it later, turns out he hit the side of the condo building when parking. Not making excuses, but I've almost done this a number of times, over the 10 year period I lived there. But, I imagine he was drunk when he did it. I also noticed that he must have backed up into something. The bumper underneath the license plate is busted. There were many empty gatorade bottles in the car...no doubt at one time filled with some sort of alcohol.
He came out and we started talking. We talked more about the disability and how I didn't think what he'd been told (or what he THOUGHT he was told) was accurate. He told me he thinks about the kids every day, and that the only thing he has too look at are the pictures that they've colored for him. I lost it again. He couldn't see, since I had sunglasses on, and I kept myself in check, but he started crying too.
I just, I can't even say what I was feeling. It wasn't anger anymore, but not pity either. Maybe just sadness. I just looked at him with the tears rolling down his cheeks and I felt BAD. For him, for me, for our kids. NOT for our marriage...I need to make that clear. This divorce is the best thing that could be happening to me. I kept looking at him, thinking that there was not even the tiniest piece of the person I married in his body. That person is all gone. And THAT made me sad. It's almost like a piece of MY life has disappeared, along with him.
And now, as I type this, I am sobbing again. Big ugly tears.
He told me he can't see the kids until he can get himself healthy. He told me he's being seeing his psychiatrist every 6 weeks. Based on some things he's told her, she thinks he may be having seizures in his sleep. His MRI was relatively normal; no sign of a stroke, or anything like that. There is some plaque on his brain, but apparently this is normal for his age.
I don't know how it popped out of my mouth, but I asked if he would consider just talking to the kids on the phone. J had actually suggested this awhile ago, so that they get some sort of interaction with him. I was really up in the air about doing it, but out came the suggestion. He said "I need to take care of me before I can take care of them" which DID piss me off. It's a fucking PHONE call. I asked if he was saying it wasn't an option and he said that it WAS an option, but then he dropped it.
In all, it was more than civil. I was glad to get caught up on his medical stuff, and to see my sweet Sierra.
He showed up. I can't see he looked like death; I've certainly seen him look much worse, but he did look bad. Very, very bloated. His fingers looked like sausages; tremors.
He sat next to me and the first thing out of my mouth was "you couldn't respond to helping me financially with the kids, but this you responded to right away?" He told me he's working with our advisor to liquidate some stocks and will be getting $5k to me soon. "I hope that helps a bit." I was honestly shocked.
He told me that he's working with an advocate of some sort to work through the disability issue. According to him, he was told that each child would get $250 a month, and the commission was another $250, but that he would get nothing. That does NOT seem right to me. He must have misunderstood. He should get a check, as well as the kids. Regardless...that seems to be moving along too.
The notary called us back and that point and it was short and sweet. Afterwards, he needed to stay and do something with the bank but told me Sierra (our dog) was in his car. So, I went out and found her and started petting her and started sobbing. I miss her. I collected myself and happened to look down at the car. The passenger side of the car looked like he'd side-swiped something. When I asked him about it later, turns out he hit the side of the condo building when parking. Not making excuses, but I've almost done this a number of times, over the 10 year period I lived there. But, I imagine he was drunk when he did it. I also noticed that he must have backed up into something. The bumper underneath the license plate is busted. There were many empty gatorade bottles in the car...no doubt at one time filled with some sort of alcohol.
He came out and we started talking. We talked more about the disability and how I didn't think what he'd been told (or what he THOUGHT he was told) was accurate. He told me he thinks about the kids every day, and that the only thing he has too look at are the pictures that they've colored for him. I lost it again. He couldn't see, since I had sunglasses on, and I kept myself in check, but he started crying too.
I just, I can't even say what I was feeling. It wasn't anger anymore, but not pity either. Maybe just sadness. I just looked at him with the tears rolling down his cheeks and I felt BAD. For him, for me, for our kids. NOT for our marriage...I need to make that clear. This divorce is the best thing that could be happening to me. I kept looking at him, thinking that there was not even the tiniest piece of the person I married in his body. That person is all gone. And THAT made me sad. It's almost like a piece of MY life has disappeared, along with him.
And now, as I type this, I am sobbing again. Big ugly tears.
He told me he can't see the kids until he can get himself healthy. He told me he's being seeing his psychiatrist every 6 weeks. Based on some things he's told her, she thinks he may be having seizures in his sleep. His MRI was relatively normal; no sign of a stroke, or anything like that. There is some plaque on his brain, but apparently this is normal for his age.
I don't know how it popped out of my mouth, but I asked if he would consider just talking to the kids on the phone. J had actually suggested this awhile ago, so that they get some sort of interaction with him. I was really up in the air about doing it, but out came the suggestion. He said "I need to take care of me before I can take care of them" which DID piss me off. It's a fucking PHONE call. I asked if he was saying it wasn't an option and he said that it WAS an option, but then he dropped it.
In all, it was more than civil. I was glad to get caught up on his medical stuff, and to see my sweet Sierra.
fucking livid
D never responded to my e-mail practically begging for money. Not a word. It's been 6 weeks this week since he's had any contact with his kids.
On Monday, I talked to attorney, who received my notarized paperwork that will be filed next Monday. This will put the modification from legal separation to divorce into action. Attorney sent me another doc for Dan for Dan to sign, waiving his right to service. I e-mailed him Monday night, not really expecting a response, but he did that night. So, the welfare of his kids doesn't kick start an immediate response, but the thought of possibly getting served with papers did. Whatever. It pissed me off, but I moved on. We made a time to meet today to have him sign papers. Then yesterday, I realized that this doc also needs to be notarized. I e-mailed him to get his thoughts on where to meet, his bank, my bank, etc.
In typical Dan fashion, he took control (clearly feeling OUT of control in every other aspect). He named the time, as well as the location of the bank. Fine. This was yesterday afternoon.
Then this morning, I woke up to a text (and two frantic emails) from our financial advisor. She told me she was working on getting my Roth IRA transferred from my account to D's.
Sidenote: in our original agreement, I gave D my Roth. Don't ask me why the fuck I did that, just trying to be fair, I'm sure. Anyway, when our accounts were split last winter, this didn't get transferred to him.
So now, when he has avoided calls from our advisor for MONTHS, the thought of an impending divorce certainly gets his ass in gear. Advisor is a friend of ours, and so this morning mentioned "so, today is a big day, right?" I'm like, WHAT? "Your divorce decree is final today at 12, right?"
Then the pieces all came together for me. Bastard (again after NO contact with advisor in months), LIED to her about today, in order to get this Roth transferred, no doubt scared that he will lose out on that money.
All this work to get $8000, and he can't even respond to an e-mail to me about buying milk or fucking diapers for his kids. I had told my mom about the Roth and told her I wasn't going to say anything and if he forgot, the money would just stay as mine. Not much I can do with it, without penalty anyway, so I wouldn't use it, but I still like I had a bit of SOMETHING, in lieu of his giving me NOTHING.
FUCKING BASTARD. OMG, I just want to OUT him to his friends His friends that are so WORRIED about him and his well-being.
Anyway, meeting him in 30 minutes.
On Monday, I talked to attorney, who received my notarized paperwork that will be filed next Monday. This will put the modification from legal separation to divorce into action. Attorney sent me another doc for Dan for Dan to sign, waiving his right to service. I e-mailed him Monday night, not really expecting a response, but he did that night. So, the welfare of his kids doesn't kick start an immediate response, but the thought of possibly getting served with papers did. Whatever. It pissed me off, but I moved on. We made a time to meet today to have him sign papers. Then yesterday, I realized that this doc also needs to be notarized. I e-mailed him to get his thoughts on where to meet, his bank, my bank, etc.
In typical Dan fashion, he took control (clearly feeling OUT of control in every other aspect). He named the time, as well as the location of the bank. Fine. This was yesterday afternoon.
Then this morning, I woke up to a text (and two frantic emails) from our financial advisor. She told me she was working on getting my Roth IRA transferred from my account to D's.
Sidenote: in our original agreement, I gave D my Roth. Don't ask me why the fuck I did that, just trying to be fair, I'm sure. Anyway, when our accounts were split last winter, this didn't get transferred to him.
So now, when he has avoided calls from our advisor for MONTHS, the thought of an impending divorce certainly gets his ass in gear. Advisor is a friend of ours, and so this morning mentioned "so, today is a big day, right?" I'm like, WHAT? "Your divorce decree is final today at 12, right?"
Then the pieces all came together for me. Bastard (again after NO contact with advisor in months), LIED to her about today, in order to get this Roth transferred, no doubt scared that he will lose out on that money.
All this work to get $8000, and he can't even respond to an e-mail to me about buying milk or fucking diapers for his kids. I had told my mom about the Roth and told her I wasn't going to say anything and if he forgot, the money would just stay as mine. Not much I can do with it, without penalty anyway, so I wouldn't use it, but I still like I had a bit of SOMETHING, in lieu of his giving me NOTHING.
FUCKING BASTARD. OMG, I just want to OUT him to his friends His friends that are so WORRIED about him and his well-being.
Anyway, meeting him in 30 minutes.
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
reaching out to D
I sent D an e-mail this morning. I typed it, stared at it, sent it to a friend to get her "permission" to send, and finally sent it.
The topic was PURELY financial; nothing about his drinking or his health, or when he plans to see his kids. I'm currently working out daycare plans for this upcoming "school" year. S is aging out of our current daycare. It accepts kids 6 months to 6 years, and she's 4.5, but there's only one other child their her age. Also, it's a home setting, and as she gets ready for kindy Fall 2015, I feel like she needs to be in more of a classroom setting. She does not have the personality that you can just throw her into a new situation. She needs time to process and get used to new situations. So, I found a brand new pre-school that is 10 minutes from my house, on a direct path to my house. A friend of mine is the director, and she's given me a great discount. That said, even WITH the discount, I'm looking at more than $30,000 for 3 kids, for 13 months. Yes, you read that right. I could keep them at our current place for another year, and save $10, 000 and still have to rely on my parents one day a week b/c our current place only has room for all 3, 4 days a week.
So, THAT amount freaked me out. I have settlement money from D's mom's estate to pay for this. It's not like I would have to come up with the amount, but I hadn't expected to drop so much in one year. On top of that, J is rehabbing my bathroom. The ugly bathrooms in my house were almost a deal breaker to me agreeing to buy the house 3 years ago. Yet, here I am, STILL with 2 ugly bathrooms. We've been talking about the rehab for about 8 weeks. He's ready to dive in, we're going shopping for the first materials tomorrow, actually, but I'm feeling guilty about spending the money. I feel like OMG I'm going to spend over $30000 in daycare, who am I to drop money on something frivolous like this now?! But dammit, I want it done, lol.
Anyway, the e-mail I sent to D basically asked the status of his social security disability appeal...knowing full well he hasn't started the appeal process. I told him exactly how much daycare will cost and how I hope to not drain the account before they even make it to kindergarten. I suggested that he might send me $1000 as very minimal assistance for daycare. I suggested that if he didn't trust me, that he could write a check straight to daycare. And that if he didn't want to spend that much, maybe he could buy a case of diapers a month or a gallon of milk a week. Something. ANYTHING to help.
I realize that it was my idea that 1/2 of his moms estate was all that I wanted. This was primarily b/c I knew his paychecks were minimal (now nonexistent), but at this point I'm starting to worry.
My friend suggested I could revise the separation agreement prior to filing for divorce, but that seems complicated, and possibly costly.
If he responds at all, he'll come back with a comment that this is what I wanted/asked for.
In the mean time, I am purging the SHIT out of my house. Primarily to just get rid of crap, but also to make a little money (garage sale, craigslist, etc), and to make room (hopefully) for some of J's stuff in the not too distant future. I'm feeling out of control with all of the stuff we have accumulated. The toys, the clothes (kids AND mine) and just general junk. Books that were read 10 years ago and I know I'll never read again. CD's that were last listened to OVER 10 years ago, DVDs that were watched maybe once. It's ALL going and I'm really hoping this helps clear my mind a bit.
The topic was PURELY financial; nothing about his drinking or his health, or when he plans to see his kids. I'm currently working out daycare plans for this upcoming "school" year. S is aging out of our current daycare. It accepts kids 6 months to 6 years, and she's 4.5, but there's only one other child their her age. Also, it's a home setting, and as she gets ready for kindy Fall 2015, I feel like she needs to be in more of a classroom setting. She does not have the personality that you can just throw her into a new situation. She needs time to process and get used to new situations. So, I found a brand new pre-school that is 10 minutes from my house, on a direct path to my house. A friend of mine is the director, and she's given me a great discount. That said, even WITH the discount, I'm looking at more than $30,000 for 3 kids, for 13 months. Yes, you read that right. I could keep them at our current place for another year, and save $10, 000 and still have to rely on my parents one day a week b/c our current place only has room for all 3, 4 days a week.
So, THAT amount freaked me out. I have settlement money from D's mom's estate to pay for this. It's not like I would have to come up with the amount, but I hadn't expected to drop so much in one year. On top of that, J is rehabbing my bathroom. The ugly bathrooms in my house were almost a deal breaker to me agreeing to buy the house 3 years ago. Yet, here I am, STILL with 2 ugly bathrooms. We've been talking about the rehab for about 8 weeks. He's ready to dive in, we're going shopping for the first materials tomorrow, actually, but I'm feeling guilty about spending the money. I feel like OMG I'm going to spend over $30000 in daycare, who am I to drop money on something frivolous like this now?! But dammit, I want it done, lol.
Anyway, the e-mail I sent to D basically asked the status of his social security disability appeal...knowing full well he hasn't started the appeal process. I told him exactly how much daycare will cost and how I hope to not drain the account before they even make it to kindergarten. I suggested that he might send me $1000 as very minimal assistance for daycare. I suggested that if he didn't trust me, that he could write a check straight to daycare. And that if he didn't want to spend that much, maybe he could buy a case of diapers a month or a gallon of milk a week. Something. ANYTHING to help.
I realize that it was my idea that 1/2 of his moms estate was all that I wanted. This was primarily b/c I knew his paychecks were minimal (now nonexistent), but at this point I'm starting to worry.
My friend suggested I could revise the separation agreement prior to filing for divorce, but that seems complicated, and possibly costly.
If he responds at all, he'll come back with a comment that this is what I wanted/asked for.
In the mean time, I am purging the SHIT out of my house. Primarily to just get rid of crap, but also to make a little money (garage sale, craigslist, etc), and to make room (hopefully) for some of J's stuff in the not too distant future. I'm feeling out of control with all of the stuff we have accumulated. The toys, the clothes (kids AND mine) and just general junk. Books that were read 10 years ago and I know I'll never read again. CD's that were last listened to OVER 10 years ago, DVDs that were watched maybe once. It's ALL going and I'm really hoping this helps clear my mind a bit.
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