Friday was our final mediation appointment. It consisted of the attorney reading us the parenting plan, page by page. Some of it was standard, and couldn't be changed. Other parts he made specific for us, and wanted our input, feedback, approval, etc.
In all, we agreed with everything. D only needed one thing clarified. There was a part that said that both parties would insist that no derogatory comments about the other spouse would be made around the children. I agreed immediately. D looked at me and said, what about your parents? You don't think they'd say something about me? I responded by letting him know that if my mom has a question about anything divorce related she will pull me into another room to ask, or ensure that babies are not within earshot. that appeased him.
I will get sole legal and physical custody. The physical custody was sort of a given. I had been on high alert that he might raise a stink about giving me full legal custody. The lawyer even gave an example about education. As sole legal guardian, I can make decisions about what school the babies will attend. If D disagrees, we can discuss (confer), but ultimately I can go with my desire. Of course, in case of a medical emergency and I am out of contact, he would have the right to made an emergent decision. We all know, however, that he will never be left in that position.
A few days before the appointment, D begged me, BEGGED me, not to bring up "Walgreens." I honestly didn't know what he was talking about. He said "you know, me leaving." He cried. He told me I could do and say whatever I wanted and that he would agree, but basically please don't tell on him. I still hadn't decided what I was going to do when I walked into mediation. The attorney made it easy. He mentioned the fact that he was NOT going to check the "mandatory supervision" box. Doing so would immediately have a guardian ad litum appointed. That's all I needed to here, so I kept my mouth shut.
When it came down to what D was going to have to do, there were 3 things listed.
1) Attend AA 2x per week.
2) Keep regularly scheduled psych appointments, along with anything else that she might recommend.
3) Remain 100% med compliant.
My issues were with 1 and 3. Re: 1, I looked at both D and attorney and said that AA is for people that want to quit. You (he) doesn't. I don't see the point in him going. To me, it's setting him up for failure. He lied during the meeting when I asked him the last time he went. He said 3 weeks ago. Not even close. Also, you can't police AA. It's not like he'll have a receipt of his time there. Sure, he can get a sign in sheet, but that can be forged. I said I was willing to let AA slide. Attorney basically said that a judge would NOT allow our case through without AA written in. Then, he looked at Dan and said, "when you sign this paperwork, you are AGREEING to do what it says. If you don't know, she can pull your kids away." D didn't say much.
Re: 3) I asked how much the med compliance had to be proven vs assumed. Attorney said that every once in a while (once a month maybe), if I didn't allow him to see kids b/c he was not acting right, it would be ok. More than that, and D could petition that I'm keeping them from him. It's my word against his as far as taking meds is concerned. In the end, I don't think it's going to be a big deal, but I am glad that I got to raise the issues in front of D.
So. We both need to sign the parenting plan, and then send back to attorney. At that point, he will put our packet together and then we will file. Right now, it's taking 45-60 days to get on a docket. hopefully this will all be done by the end of the summer.
Still so strange, but he came over on Sat and Sun and played daddy. He has a psych appointment today. He's letting me go with him. This will be his first time back to old dr since leaving in-patient. He admitted to me on Sunday that he's feeling much more depressed than normal. I'm glad that he's sharing with me, but boy, we need to nip this in the bud. He also said that he is done with the bi-polar med they put him on in the hospital. He doesn't like the side effects. Normally, I'd tell him to suck it up, but 1) I know he wouldn't and then God only knows what would happen and 2) there are so many other things out there to try.
Monday, April 29, 2013
Thursday, April 25, 2013
He took his ring off
Apparently he's not in as much denial as I thought. I saw him yesterday, and saw that he'd taken off his ring. My emotions connected to this action have really surprised me. I'm still wearing mine. Until yesterday, I just couldn't really fathom taking them off. I wasn't ready. I'm still not, but I feel like he's forcing my hand now. I had to do a few double takes to see that it really wasn't there. I didn't say anything to him. I'm honestly surprised his ring CAME off. We're no the type to take off our rings, so he last time he took it off for something was most likely years ago.
It was never a race between us to see who would take it off first. Him doing so really alleviates the guilt that I had in doing it. But man. It really upset me. It was the outward appearance of marriage. Now, *I* look like the one still holding on. In a sense, I guess I am.
I love my rings. They're gorgeous. My wedding ring is actually his great grandmothers. My mother in law gave it to me the Christmas after we got engaged. Taking it off makes me feel like I'm divorcing her too, although that's clearly not the case.
One of my very good friends is divorcing, and took hers off the day her husband moved out. She was very ready, and plans to sell her rings. I asked about saving them for her daughter, but her thought was "why? Something that represents a broken marriage?" I don't feel that way. I know how much we loved each other at one time. I remember putting D's ring on his finger. I don't have a problem saving them for S and A. Not to mention that one is a family heirloom.
I am dreading our mediation appt tomorrow. Having to sit across the table from him, staring at his naked finger.
It was never a race between us to see who would take it off first. Him doing so really alleviates the guilt that I had in doing it. But man. It really upset me. It was the outward appearance of marriage. Now, *I* look like the one still holding on. In a sense, I guess I am.
I love my rings. They're gorgeous. My wedding ring is actually his great grandmothers. My mother in law gave it to me the Christmas after we got engaged. Taking it off makes me feel like I'm divorcing her too, although that's clearly not the case.
One of my very good friends is divorcing, and took hers off the day her husband moved out. She was very ready, and plans to sell her rings. I asked about saving them for her daughter, but her thought was "why? Something that represents a broken marriage?" I don't feel that way. I know how much we loved each other at one time. I remember putting D's ring on his finger. I don't have a problem saving them for S and A. Not to mention that one is a family heirloom.
I am dreading our mediation appt tomorrow. Having to sit across the table from him, staring at his naked finger.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
sort of sad today
I was going along ok, until this song came on Pand.ora, by The F.ray:
"How To Save A Life"
The lyrics are us, word for word.
I've had so many days of feeling nothing at all, that I think the sadness this song brings is more overwhelming that it would normally be. I still want to save him. But I can't, and I know this. My goal now is to keep my own head above water, and let him try to save himself.
This weekend was good. D was calm. It made it even more clear that the weekend before (and the week preceding that) he had NOT been taking his meds. He was so manic-y. He was a different D this weekend. We took the babies out to play. I'm taking as many pictures of him with them as I can. Not for him, but for them.
I chickened out actually telling him that he couldn't see the babies unsupervised. I sugar-coated it a bit, although I think he got the point. On Sunday, when he asked the plan for this week I told him that the babies were going to C's on Tuesday (a day that he would normally watch them). I told him due to his stunt last weekend, I'd had to make revisions to our routine, and that he was really going to have to prove himself if anything was to change. He just said "I understand. I don't want to fight about it."
It's so sad, but I really don't have any feelings for him whatsoever. I mean, I love him because he helped to give me my children, but it's clear that I'm not IN love with him, and God only knows how long that's been the case. I don't miss him when he leaves. I often curse him, lol. I'm sad that I feel this way, but he's given me no choice. I haven't had a reason to love him in a very long time. And this is SO far from where we started.
Our next mediation appt is on Friday. At this meeting, the mediator should have a plan for us to review. We'll get to make revisions, talk through it all, etc. Hopefully we can kick this into high gear at that point.
D sort of seems to be in denial about the impending separation. I almost feel like to him, since it won't be a technical divorce, that he sees it as LESS of a separation? This weekend on FB, a mutual friend posted a question. D's response to him was "ask my wife...." I don't get it. I'm certainly not going around bragging that he's my husband.
"How To Save A Life"
Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God, he hears you
And I pray to God, he hears you
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
How to save a life
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
How to save a life
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God, he hears you
And I pray to God, he hears you
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
How to save a life
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
How to save a life
The lyrics are us, word for word.
I've had so many days of feeling nothing at all, that I think the sadness this song brings is more overwhelming that it would normally be. I still want to save him. But I can't, and I know this. My goal now is to keep my own head above water, and let him try to save himself.
This weekend was good. D was calm. It made it even more clear that the weekend before (and the week preceding that) he had NOT been taking his meds. He was so manic-y. He was a different D this weekend. We took the babies out to play. I'm taking as many pictures of him with them as I can. Not for him, but for them.
I chickened out actually telling him that he couldn't see the babies unsupervised. I sugar-coated it a bit, although I think he got the point. On Sunday, when he asked the plan for this week I told him that the babies were going to C's on Tuesday (a day that he would normally watch them). I told him due to his stunt last weekend, I'd had to make revisions to our routine, and that he was really going to have to prove himself if anything was to change. He just said "I understand. I don't want to fight about it."
It's so sad, but I really don't have any feelings for him whatsoever. I mean, I love him because he helped to give me my children, but it's clear that I'm not IN love with him, and God only knows how long that's been the case. I don't miss him when he leaves. I often curse him, lol. I'm sad that I feel this way, but he's given me no choice. I haven't had a reason to love him in a very long time. And this is SO far from where we started.
Our next mediation appt is on Friday. At this meeting, the mediator should have a plan for us to review. We'll get to make revisions, talk through it all, etc. Hopefully we can kick this into high gear at that point.
D sort of seems to be in denial about the impending separation. I almost feel like to him, since it won't be a technical divorce, that he sees it as LESS of a separation? This weekend on FB, a mutual friend posted a question. D's response to him was "ask my wife...." I don't get it. I'm certainly not going around bragging that he's my husband.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
no real update
D is laying low. I haven't talked with him since he left on Sunday afternoon. I did finally e-mail him today to let him know the status of our latest trust withdrawal. After paying several bills, his "half" isn't going to be nearly what he expected. I'm expecting a small blow up about that, but I provided him with all details. Cash that we started with, along with each payment, so he can see that I'm being honest.
A friend of ours posted on FB this morning about 11 that she was with D at a local restaurant. No, not like THAT! They were old co-workers, and she was our go-to babysitter for many months last year. She's got as many probs as he does, so God only knows what their lunch was like. My issue is that apparently they are STILL at the restaurant, which means he's been drinking for the past 3 hours.
Not that I really care. He's not my problem anymore. I guess at least he's not sitting at home feeling sorry for himself? Ugh, it just irks me. Lunch I didn't mind, and actually was glad he was getting out. But HOURS later...and the drive home...ugh.
I ended my e-mail this morning asking if he wanted me to mail him a check, or if he wanted to come get it this weekend. I'm curious how he'll answer. He does NOT know I've found alternate care for the babies. He's going to flip about that. I think. Maybe not. Maybe he'll be relieved?
It's still really hard to wrap my head around the fact that I am not allowing him to see his children, unsupervised. But he's doing this. HE'S done this. He's acted in ways that have caused me to REact in this way. I hate it. I feel better knowing that I can honestly tell him he's welcome every day of the week, in the evenings after I'm home. In reality, that's probably for him, since there will be four hands instead of just his two.
S is working through this, a little at a time. Out of the blue this morning she said "daddy is making bad choices so we can't see him, but my daddy is still nice." Yes, and yes, baby girl.
A friend of ours posted on FB this morning about 11 that she was with D at a local restaurant. No, not like THAT! They were old co-workers, and she was our go-to babysitter for many months last year. She's got as many probs as he does, so God only knows what their lunch was like. My issue is that apparently they are STILL at the restaurant, which means he's been drinking for the past 3 hours.
Not that I really care. He's not my problem anymore. I guess at least he's not sitting at home feeling sorry for himself? Ugh, it just irks me. Lunch I didn't mind, and actually was glad he was getting out. But HOURS later...and the drive home...ugh.
I ended my e-mail this morning asking if he wanted me to mail him a check, or if he wanted to come get it this weekend. I'm curious how he'll answer. He does NOT know I've found alternate care for the babies. He's going to flip about that. I think. Maybe not. Maybe he'll be relieved?
It's still really hard to wrap my head around the fact that I am not allowing him to see his children, unsupervised. But he's doing this. HE'S done this. He's acted in ways that have caused me to REact in this way. I hate it. I feel better knowing that I can honestly tell him he's welcome every day of the week, in the evenings after I'm home. In reality, that's probably for him, since there will be four hands instead of just his two.
S is working through this, a little at a time. Out of the blue this morning she said "daddy is making bad choices so we can't see him, but my daddy is still nice." Yes, and yes, baby girl.
Monday, April 15, 2013
absolutely no words.
I don't even know how to say this. There is no sugar-coating. He left my babies alone, in the house, by themselves, so he could go to the store to buy alcohol.
Saturday was his birthday. He came over about 10. He played with babies. The twins went down for their nap about 1. S and I left about 1:15 for a baby shower. We got home about 4:15. He seemed fine. It honestly hadn't crossed my mind that he'd been drinking. We had planned an early birthday dinner, so off we went. Dinner went fine. He ordered a glass of wine (ended up having two). I ordered a beer. Why not?!
Later that night I was in the kitchen. I'm not sure why, but it struck me as odd that the trash cans were empty. This was always "his" task, but since moving out, he doesn't typically do it. I briefly thought about checking the dumpster, but it was late, and D had seemed so sober. I wrote it off for then, but definately tucked it away in my mind. Sunday morning, I was taking out trash. I walked over and opened the recycle bin. I saw several small wine boxes. I don't know how to describe them, I'd never even noticed them until D starting drinking them. There are maybe 1.5-2 glasses of wine in each little container? Honestly, not sure. Anyway, there were several of these. I thought at first that maybe he just cleaned out his car (sad, I know). I saw a plastic store bag and pulled it out.
The receipt was from Saturday, at 2:30 in the afternoon. I honest to GOD thought I was seeing things. SURELY, this was not right. Maybe it was from 4/13/2012. Nope. Maybe it said 4/12 instead of 4/13. Maybe it said 9:30 am, instead of 2:30 pm. Nope.
I took it inside and set it on the counter. I just kept walking past it. Looking at it. Sometimes picking it up, sometimes just staring. I looked at the calendar. Was I SURE that Sat was 4/13. yes, of course it was. It was D's birthday.
Now what to do. Should I call him? No. I wanted to see his reaction in person. He got there about 10. Do I bring it up asap? Do I wait to feel out his mood? He finally walked into the kitchen where the receipt was. I asked him to pick it up and tell me what it was.
D: (after looking). A receipt.
S: A receipt from when?
D. It's a receipt. (crumpling it up and throwing away).
S: Did you take them with you, or did you leave them alone? (he knew he was screwed either way b/c he doesn't have 2 carseats in his car.)
D: They were sleeping.
S: I don't care WHAT they were doing. It's neglect. You need to soak up your time with them today, b/c I cannot promise you the next time you will see them.
Convo over for the time.
I wanted to kick him out, but S was SO looking forward to going to the playground and I very obviously can't take 3 toddlers by myself.
The day was ok. He left about 4. He asked "I guess I don't need to come tomorrow." No. "What about Tuesday?" No.
A few minutes before he left, he mentioned something about not being able to use a bbq grill on our condo deck b/c it's against condo by-laws. I said "leaving your toddlers is against the law too, but that didn't stop you." I saw a switch flip on his face. His wall was up. He walked inside (we'd been on the patio), and then back out again, telling me that he was going to write himself a check. I told him that he was NOT, and that I needed to pay off credit cards before I gave him any more money.
That night, S mentioned something about daddy coming over tomorrow. I told her that we wouldn't be seeing daddy this week. She got this horribly pathetic look on her face; she was fighting the tears. Clearly upset. and very sad. I grabbed her and hugged her. I explained that daddy was doing some things that aren't very nice right now, and that I don't want him in our house. I explained to her that it's my job to keep my babies safe. I told her that I miss daddy too, and that I wish he could spend more time with us, but he can't right now. She said "but my daddy isn't mean." How in the HELL do I respond to that? "I know, baby. Your daddy ISN'T mean, but right now mommy doesn't want him here."
Later, I heard some of my own words coming out of her mouth. "daddy isn't good right now, and mommy will make sure me and babies are safe." WHY in the hell does she have to get drug into this?!
I told Cousin H. She said if it were her, he wouldn't be allowed ANY visitation. I'm not there.yet. But, finally at the point where I don't want him to be alone with them. Our angel, C, who is watching the kids for minimal money, has offered to add the twins one more day each week. So, I'm really down to just needing someone 1/2 day on Monday. I have someone in mind and am working on that.
I'm just done. drained. just when I think it can't get worse. It's NEVER ok to leave kids alone, sleeping or not. But, I could have somehow forgiven if it was to run up and get milk, or some necessity (although what that would be, that couldn't wait the few hours until I got home, I have no idea), but that he went to get ALCOHOL. That was the tipping point for me. That, and that he had to leave our freaking door UNLOCKED, b/c he doesn't have a key.
He left my two tiny little creatures ALONE in an unlocked house for Gods sake. In what universe is that ok?!?!
I asked him "in what part of your brain do you think that was ok? PLEASE tell me you realize it was wrong." His response was something like "when does what I do EVER make sense."
Believe it or not, I'm still REALLY, I mean REALLY struggling, at taking him away from them. I KNOW it doesn't make sense. That said, I'm full speed ahead at doing so, even though my heart is not completely in it. What's to stop him from just walking out when they are wide awake, screaming, inconsolable. I'm sure he's thought about it before.
To add a bit of creepiness to the whole story, soon after I found the receipt, I picked up my phone to check my e-mail. I had gotten an e-mail (virus, I'm assuming). The subject was "he won't last." I knew it was most likely a virus, but I was SO intrigued, especially with everything else going on. The text of the e-mail said "There warnt anything to say, He said it was death." Pretty sure that's a quote from Huck Finn. How's that for creep-tastic?
Saturday was his birthday. He came over about 10. He played with babies. The twins went down for their nap about 1. S and I left about 1:15 for a baby shower. We got home about 4:15. He seemed fine. It honestly hadn't crossed my mind that he'd been drinking. We had planned an early birthday dinner, so off we went. Dinner went fine. He ordered a glass of wine (ended up having two). I ordered a beer. Why not?!
Later that night I was in the kitchen. I'm not sure why, but it struck me as odd that the trash cans were empty. This was always "his" task, but since moving out, he doesn't typically do it. I briefly thought about checking the dumpster, but it was late, and D had seemed so sober. I wrote it off for then, but definately tucked it away in my mind. Sunday morning, I was taking out trash. I walked over and opened the recycle bin. I saw several small wine boxes. I don't know how to describe them, I'd never even noticed them until D starting drinking them. There are maybe 1.5-2 glasses of wine in each little container? Honestly, not sure. Anyway, there were several of these. I thought at first that maybe he just cleaned out his car (sad, I know). I saw a plastic store bag and pulled it out.
The receipt was from Saturday, at 2:30 in the afternoon. I honest to GOD thought I was seeing things. SURELY, this was not right. Maybe it was from 4/13/2012. Nope. Maybe it said 4/12 instead of 4/13. Maybe it said 9:30 am, instead of 2:30 pm. Nope.
I took it inside and set it on the counter. I just kept walking past it. Looking at it. Sometimes picking it up, sometimes just staring. I looked at the calendar. Was I SURE that Sat was 4/13. yes, of course it was. It was D's birthday.
Now what to do. Should I call him? No. I wanted to see his reaction in person. He got there about 10. Do I bring it up asap? Do I wait to feel out his mood? He finally walked into the kitchen where the receipt was. I asked him to pick it up and tell me what it was.
D: (after looking). A receipt.
S: A receipt from when?
D. It's a receipt. (crumpling it up and throwing away).
S: Did you take them with you, or did you leave them alone? (he knew he was screwed either way b/c he doesn't have 2 carseats in his car.)
D: They were sleeping.
S: I don't care WHAT they were doing. It's neglect. You need to soak up your time with them today, b/c I cannot promise you the next time you will see them.
Convo over for the time.
I wanted to kick him out, but S was SO looking forward to going to the playground and I very obviously can't take 3 toddlers by myself.
The day was ok. He left about 4. He asked "I guess I don't need to come tomorrow." No. "What about Tuesday?" No.
A few minutes before he left, he mentioned something about not being able to use a bbq grill on our condo deck b/c it's against condo by-laws. I said "leaving your toddlers is against the law too, but that didn't stop you." I saw a switch flip on his face. His wall was up. He walked inside (we'd been on the patio), and then back out again, telling me that he was going to write himself a check. I told him that he was NOT, and that I needed to pay off credit cards before I gave him any more money.
That night, S mentioned something about daddy coming over tomorrow. I told her that we wouldn't be seeing daddy this week. She got this horribly pathetic look on her face; she was fighting the tears. Clearly upset. and very sad. I grabbed her and hugged her. I explained that daddy was doing some things that aren't very nice right now, and that I don't want him in our house. I explained to her that it's my job to keep my babies safe. I told her that I miss daddy too, and that I wish he could spend more time with us, but he can't right now. She said "but my daddy isn't mean." How in the HELL do I respond to that? "I know, baby. Your daddy ISN'T mean, but right now mommy doesn't want him here."
Later, I heard some of my own words coming out of her mouth. "daddy isn't good right now, and mommy will make sure me and babies are safe." WHY in the hell does she have to get drug into this?!
I told Cousin H. She said if it were her, he wouldn't be allowed ANY visitation. I'm not there.yet. But, finally at the point where I don't want him to be alone with them. Our angel, C, who is watching the kids for minimal money, has offered to add the twins one more day each week. So, I'm really down to just needing someone 1/2 day on Monday. I have someone in mind and am working on that.
I'm just done. drained. just when I think it can't get worse. It's NEVER ok to leave kids alone, sleeping or not. But, I could have somehow forgiven if it was to run up and get milk, or some necessity (although what that would be, that couldn't wait the few hours until I got home, I have no idea), but that he went to get ALCOHOL. That was the tipping point for me. That, and that he had to leave our freaking door UNLOCKED, b/c he doesn't have a key.
He left my two tiny little creatures ALONE in an unlocked house for Gods sake. In what universe is that ok?!?!
I asked him "in what part of your brain do you think that was ok? PLEASE tell me you realize it was wrong." His response was something like "when does what I do EVER make sense."
Believe it or not, I'm still REALLY, I mean REALLY struggling, at taking him away from them. I KNOW it doesn't make sense. That said, I'm full speed ahead at doing so, even though my heart is not completely in it. What's to stop him from just walking out when they are wide awake, screaming, inconsolable. I'm sure he's thought about it before.
To add a bit of creepiness to the whole story, soon after I found the receipt, I picked up my phone to check my e-mail. I had gotten an e-mail (virus, I'm assuming). The subject was "he won't last." I knew it was most likely a virus, but I was SO intrigued, especially with everything else going on. The text of the e-mail said "There warnt anything to say, He said it was death." Pretty sure that's a quote from Huck Finn. How's that for creep-tastic?
Friday, April 12, 2013
hanging in
Just a little post to say that things are ok. Not too much drama, or maybe it's just that I'm not feeding off the drama like I have in the past. Really, there hasn't been much. D watched the twins the 1.5 days this week, with no major trouble. Sober. He was there both days last weekend.
Tomorrow is his birthday. What do you get the man you have known for 14 years, but are getting divorced from? Nothing! I got three cards, one from each baby and printed out a recent picture of each and will frame them. S can wrap them. That's enough. Birthdays aren't a big deal to him, never have been. But, it's still weird to be celebrating in this way. He's supposed to come over tomorrow about 10, and then the 5 of us will go out for an early dinner later in the day. That will be that.
I've been thinking about the mediation agreement. I think I'm going to take off the idea of AA 2x per week. I mean, really. He's NOT going to go. It's ONLY setting him up for failure. And, AA is for someone who WANTS to stop drinking. He doesn't. It just doesn't seem like it's applicable. The therapy though, I'm not waivering on. He still hasn't made an appt, but on Tuesday informed me that he had transferred his massage package from our credit card to his NEW credit card. So, apparently he thinks he can afford $50 a month for a massage, but not $40 a month for therapy. Priorities. When I confronted him with this fact on Tues evening he said "ok, it's time for me to go." So frustrating.
Also, as he left on Tuesday, I told him I'd see him Sat (tomorrow) about 10 am. He said "what do you have going on?" Like, I told him to come over at 10 because I had to be somewhere. I said "ummm, well it's Saturday, and I thought you might want to see your children?" Duh.
I'm meeting with my HR rep on Monday to discuss life insurance. I have a minimum amount that my work provides, but we can buy larger increments. Since we're technically still going to be legally married, I want D to get life insurance too. It will just be a small amount, but useful if something happens. I'll pay for the first year, and then it will be in the mediation agreement that he will pay for subsequent years. He doesn't know this yet. It's the least he can do for his kids.
Tomorrow is his birthday. What do you get the man you have known for 14 years, but are getting divorced from? Nothing! I got three cards, one from each baby and printed out a recent picture of each and will frame them. S can wrap them. That's enough. Birthdays aren't a big deal to him, never have been. But, it's still weird to be celebrating in this way. He's supposed to come over tomorrow about 10, and then the 5 of us will go out for an early dinner later in the day. That will be that.
I've been thinking about the mediation agreement. I think I'm going to take off the idea of AA 2x per week. I mean, really. He's NOT going to go. It's ONLY setting him up for failure. And, AA is for someone who WANTS to stop drinking. He doesn't. It just doesn't seem like it's applicable. The therapy though, I'm not waivering on. He still hasn't made an appt, but on Tuesday informed me that he had transferred his massage package from our credit card to his NEW credit card. So, apparently he thinks he can afford $50 a month for a massage, but not $40 a month for therapy. Priorities. When I confronted him with this fact on Tues evening he said "ok, it's time for me to go." So frustrating.
Also, as he left on Tuesday, I told him I'd see him Sat (tomorrow) about 10 am. He said "what do you have going on?" Like, I told him to come over at 10 because I had to be somewhere. I said "ummm, well it's Saturday, and I thought you might want to see your children?" Duh.
I'm meeting with my HR rep on Monday to discuss life insurance. I have a minimum amount that my work provides, but we can buy larger increments. Since we're technically still going to be legally married, I want D to get life insurance too. It will just be a small amount, but useful if something happens. I'll pay for the first year, and then it will be in the mediation agreement that he will pay for subsequent years. He doesn't know this yet. It's the least he can do for his kids.
Friday, April 5, 2013
"Does he have a drinking problem?"
THE question of the day today, came from my mother. I talked to her last night and mentioned that D had moved into the condo yesterday. I tried to speed through it so it wouldn't give her too much to think about, since I had not told her about the condo debacle, or the damage control I'd had to do with tenants, or that they had vacated.
As expected, after a night of pondering, she called this morning to get more info. She questioned why they were moving, since she knew their lease was through summer. I told her that D did something in November that they could have pressed charges, and that I had to do damage control and that one of the agreements was that they could move early, with 30 days notice.
She just sat there. "Oh, S. What did he do? Did he hurt one of them?" I told her that he didn't, and I didn't want to give any more info about it right now. She asked "does he have a drinking problem?"
I WANTED TO SAY NO! I THOUGHT ABOUT SAYING NO! But, I knew that there was no easier transition into the topic than this. So I said yes. She told me she wasn't really suprised, and really just left it alone. I'll get a phone call tonight grilling me for more info, I'm sure.
As expected, after a night of pondering, she called this morning to get more info. She questioned why they were moving, since she knew their lease was through summer. I told her that D did something in November that they could have pressed charges, and that I had to do damage control and that one of the agreements was that they could move early, with 30 days notice.
She just sat there. "Oh, S. What did he do? Did he hurt one of them?" I told her that he didn't, and I didn't want to give any more info about it right now. She asked "does he have a drinking problem?"
I WANTED TO SAY NO! I THOUGHT ABOUT SAYING NO! But, I knew that there was no easier transition into the topic than this. So I said yes. She told me she wasn't really suprised, and really just left it alone. I'll get a phone call tonight grilling me for more info, I'm sure.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Moving out/moving in...
D is officially out of his apartment, and is moving into our condo today. The entire process is leaving me feeling quite bipolar myself. He called me yesterday, in very very good (sober) spirits. He'd been to the condo, and was SO excited about moving back in. It was our home for 8 years, it still feels like home to him. I'm glad. I'm happy for him. It was a good conversation. Most sober conversations ARE good. He was ON yesterday.
He just called me. He's at our (MY!) house now, waiting for the movers to move couches, a table, chairs. When he was in the apartment, he bought a futon and took a card table. Bachelor living at it's best. Today, he's taking our furniture. The things we picked out and bought together. Honestly, I'm fine with it. The couches are pretty much ruined anyway from him crashing on them for so long. About 6 months ago, I bought a fantastic leather couch. THAT is mine:) I'm happy to get rid of the stuff I don't want, talk about spring cleaning. But, this is making it really real to me. I mean, yes he'd moved out, and I assumed it was permanent, or maybe I didn't. I don't know. I'm sort of sad. This is the picture of divorce I have in my head...dad pulling up with a moving truck and carting stuff away to his new space.
The only thing that keeps me from being horribly sad is that I can tell he's drinking. Good ridance to that.
In other news, I was SO pulled into the drama of a few days ago (could you tell??!), that I forgot that I got some GREAT news. I found out that my filing "legal separation" will indeed fly with my employer, and I'll be able to keep him on my insurance. I can check the divorce box any time I want, whether if it's when he gets disability, or I want to get re-married, or whatever. I feel really really good about this. I KNOW it's not my responsibilty, and some are telling me I'm being too nice, but I couldn't live with myself if I didn't do this for him. It seems like the right thing to do, even if he doesn't deserve it.
He just called me. He's at our (MY!) house now, waiting for the movers to move couches, a table, chairs. When he was in the apartment, he bought a futon and took a card table. Bachelor living at it's best. Today, he's taking our furniture. The things we picked out and bought together. Honestly, I'm fine with it. The couches are pretty much ruined anyway from him crashing on them for so long. About 6 months ago, I bought a fantastic leather couch. THAT is mine:) I'm happy to get rid of the stuff I don't want, talk about spring cleaning. But, this is making it really real to me. I mean, yes he'd moved out, and I assumed it was permanent, or maybe I didn't. I don't know. I'm sort of sad. This is the picture of divorce I have in my head...dad pulling up with a moving truck and carting stuff away to his new space.
The only thing that keeps me from being horribly sad is that I can tell he's drinking. Good ridance to that.
In other news, I was SO pulled into the drama of a few days ago (could you tell??!), that I forgot that I got some GREAT news. I found out that my filing "legal separation" will indeed fly with my employer, and I'll be able to keep him on my insurance. I can check the divorce box any time I want, whether if it's when he gets disability, or I want to get re-married, or whatever. I feel really really good about this. I KNOW it's not my responsibilty, and some are telling me I'm being too nice, but I couldn't live with myself if I didn't do this for him. It seems like the right thing to do, even if he doesn't deserve it.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Next...
I got home last night, trying desperately to NOT have an attitude. Yes, I deserve to have one, but it's not helpful. D's solution (at least he had one, right??!) was that he will stay with us, at our house from Sat-Tues. Days, nights, all of it. If we leave, we'll all go as a family. This will keep him out of trouble (and sober). Two big problems with this:
1) Now that he's finally out I don't want him back!!
2) This will last for all of 3 days before he gets stir crazy.
I know him. It's NOT a solution that will WORK. I did not tell him no, but I hope to god that my expression said there's no way in hell that will happen.
I then went on to remind AGAIN about the mediation agreement. Sober yes, but also AA 2x week, therapy 1x per month. I told him I would tack on 100% med compliant. I wasn't trying to be mean, or rude or controlling, but as we're working through this, as we're LIVING it and I am more pulled back from the situation, I'm seeing the areas that need work (meds, for example).
I asked if he thought that was too much to do, in order to remain in contact with his children. He said YES. I asked what about it seems too much. He said the therapy, and that if it hasn't worked now, it's not going to work, and he only gets 6 sessions and it costs money, blah blah. I reminded him that he can have unlimited sessions, but does need to get pre-authorized every several months. I kept pushing. He started crying and walked out.
He arrived this morning, early, saying that he'd had a panic attack (his first ever) this morning. He thought about calling 911. I told him I wasn't suprised that it was a panic attack, after all that he's dealing with. I find it interesting, and it makes sense, that this is his first, which is also the first time I've REALLY pulled back and forced the issue at hand. Sure, I've verbalized lots of things, but this is the first time I'm really not only sticking to my guns, but continue to push. His poor brain doesn't know what to do.
1) Now that he's finally out I don't want him back!!
2) This will last for all of 3 days before he gets stir crazy.
I know him. It's NOT a solution that will WORK. I did not tell him no, but I hope to god that my expression said there's no way in hell that will happen.
I then went on to remind AGAIN about the mediation agreement. Sober yes, but also AA 2x week, therapy 1x per month. I told him I would tack on 100% med compliant. I wasn't trying to be mean, or rude or controlling, but as we're working through this, as we're LIVING it and I am more pulled back from the situation, I'm seeing the areas that need work (meds, for example).
I asked if he thought that was too much to do, in order to remain in contact with his children. He said YES. I asked what about it seems too much. He said the therapy, and that if it hasn't worked now, it's not going to work, and he only gets 6 sessions and it costs money, blah blah. I reminded him that he can have unlimited sessions, but does need to get pre-authorized every several months. I kept pushing. He started crying and walked out.
He arrived this morning, early, saying that he'd had a panic attack (his first ever) this morning. He thought about calling 911. I told him I wasn't suprised that it was a panic attack, after all that he's dealing with. I find it interesting, and it makes sense, that this is his first, which is also the first time I've REALLY pulled back and forced the issue at hand. Sure, I've verbalized lots of things, but this is the first time I'm really not only sticking to my guns, but continue to push. His poor brain doesn't know what to do.
Monday, April 1, 2013
The latest installment of drama...
UGH. ugh. ugh. It's never ending.
I had not "talked" to D since Tuesday when I kicked him out. He shows up Saturday about 11:30. Um, what? That's not in the agreement. S had already seen him, he came over unannounced. I couldn't send him on his way, for her sake.
He was clearly on edge. AS WAS I as the FB anniversary post had just happened the day before.
S: Why are you here?
D: What, you want me to leave?
S: I want you to abide by the mediation agreement. Do you know what that is?
D: No.
S: What, you SIGNED it. Here let me tell you what it said, blah blah. How long will you be here?
D: I can leave if you want.
S: NO, you're here now, that's not fair to them. How long will you be here b/c L was going to come over and give me an hour break so I can run to the grocery.
D: Oh, you're stealing my friends now?
S: Um, WHAT? She knows you moved out. She knows I am caring for three kids. She is being HELPFUL. Oh, and do you want to come over tomorrow after I get home from my parents, to see the kids on Easter?
D: Huh? You're taking 3 kids by yourself?
S: Um yeah, I've been in charge of all 3 for quite a while now.
D: That's the way you wanted it.
S: No, I wanted a sober husband.
D: You need to lose the attitude and check yourself. CUE ME LEAVING FOR THE BEDROOM AND LETTING HIM FEND FOR HIMSELF, WITH 3 KIDS.
He stayed for a few hours. Asked me to tag him in the picture of S dying Easter eggs. You know, b/c he was actually sitting at the table with her, trying to look engaged and interested.
Last thing we decided before he left was that I would call him when I was on my way home from my parents so he could come over. I sent him an e-mail, and called 3 times. No response. Finally, I e-mailed ARE YOU COMING OVER. He responded NO. And that was it. Prick. Stupid idiot f'ing prick. Thank GOD I did not tell S she would see him.
THEN, he posts on FB Sun night that he had a really bad day and he hoped today was better. Blah fucking BLAH. He had a crappy day because he CHOSE to have a crappy day.
And now, for the big finale...cousin H texts me this AM to let me know that D e-mailed her bff (who he doesn't even know in real life, just via FB). He told her he was going to be in Baltimore on business in a few weeks and thought he might hang out with her and her husband. UM, WHAT THE WHAT?! H and I did a bit of detective work. Our local baseball team is playing in DC in April. Apparently, he's going!?! What REALLY pisses me off is that the dates that we confirmed are Mon and Tues and those are the days he is SUPPOSED to watch his kids. FUCKER.
I really wonder if he's stopped his mania meds. Something is most definately up.
THIS IS THE OTHER FUCKING SHOE THAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT. OMG I CANNOT DEAL WITH THIS DRAMA ANY.MORE.
He called about an hour ago and asked me to do him a favor. I told him we needed to talk about why he didn't show up yesterday. He first told me he wasn't welcome. I said 1) it was Sunday, a new week, 2) we had already decided on Saturday that you could come over. You SAID you WOULD and then you DIDN'T. I ripped him a new one regarding trust and reliabilty and responsibility. I told him I cannot live with this week to week crap, and that if he has serious interest in remaining in his kids lives he needs to think of an alternative that he can stick with. (We all know he can't stick with anything). I asked what suggestions he had. He said he didn't know. I said that's not an answer, and he needs to think of something by tonight. That it's not fair to S, or to me, or to the twins. I reminded him than "yes, you do also need to think about me as I will be the one raising your children."
Fuck. fuck. fuckety fuck. Jack ass.
Oh, and the breathalyzer "disappeared." Luckily, Best Buy had another in stock today;)
Now, I'm on my way to meet the tenants for their walk-through since they're all moved out. I just cringe thinking about having to look them in the eye.
I had not "talked" to D since Tuesday when I kicked him out. He shows up Saturday about 11:30. Um, what? That's not in the agreement. S had already seen him, he came over unannounced. I couldn't send him on his way, for her sake.
He was clearly on edge. AS WAS I as the FB anniversary post had just happened the day before.
S: Why are you here?
D: What, you want me to leave?
S: I want you to abide by the mediation agreement. Do you know what that is?
D: No.
S: What, you SIGNED it. Here let me tell you what it said, blah blah. How long will you be here?
D: I can leave if you want.
S: NO, you're here now, that's not fair to them. How long will you be here b/c L was going to come over and give me an hour break so I can run to the grocery.
D: Oh, you're stealing my friends now?
S: Um, WHAT? She knows you moved out. She knows I am caring for three kids. She is being HELPFUL. Oh, and do you want to come over tomorrow after I get home from my parents, to see the kids on Easter?
D: Huh? You're taking 3 kids by yourself?
S: Um yeah, I've been in charge of all 3 for quite a while now.
D: That's the way you wanted it.
S: No, I wanted a sober husband.
D: You need to lose the attitude and check yourself. CUE ME LEAVING FOR THE BEDROOM AND LETTING HIM FEND FOR HIMSELF, WITH 3 KIDS.
He stayed for a few hours. Asked me to tag him in the picture of S dying Easter eggs. You know, b/c he was actually sitting at the table with her, trying to look engaged and interested.
Last thing we decided before he left was that I would call him when I was on my way home from my parents so he could come over. I sent him an e-mail, and called 3 times. No response. Finally, I e-mailed ARE YOU COMING OVER. He responded NO. And that was it. Prick. Stupid idiot f'ing prick. Thank GOD I did not tell S she would see him.
THEN, he posts on FB Sun night that he had a really bad day and he hoped today was better. Blah fucking BLAH. He had a crappy day because he CHOSE to have a crappy day.
And now, for the big finale...cousin H texts me this AM to let me know that D e-mailed her bff (who he doesn't even know in real life, just via FB). He told her he was going to be in Baltimore on business in a few weeks and thought he might hang out with her and her husband. UM, WHAT THE WHAT?! H and I did a bit of detective work. Our local baseball team is playing in DC in April. Apparently, he's going!?! What REALLY pisses me off is that the dates that we confirmed are Mon and Tues and those are the days he is SUPPOSED to watch his kids. FUCKER.
I really wonder if he's stopped his mania meds. Something is most definately up.
THIS IS THE OTHER FUCKING SHOE THAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT. OMG I CANNOT DEAL WITH THIS DRAMA ANY.MORE.
He called about an hour ago and asked me to do him a favor. I told him we needed to talk about why he didn't show up yesterday. He first told me he wasn't welcome. I said 1) it was Sunday, a new week, 2) we had already decided on Saturday that you could come over. You SAID you WOULD and then you DIDN'T. I ripped him a new one regarding trust and reliabilty and responsibility. I told him I cannot live with this week to week crap, and that if he has serious interest in remaining in his kids lives he needs to think of an alternative that he can stick with. (We all know he can't stick with anything). I asked what suggestions he had. He said he didn't know. I said that's not an answer, and he needs to think of something by tonight. That it's not fair to S, or to me, or to the twins. I reminded him than "yes, you do also need to think about me as I will be the one raising your children."
Fuck. fuck. fuckety fuck. Jack ass.
Oh, and the breathalyzer "disappeared." Luckily, Best Buy had another in stock today;)
Now, I'm on my way to meet the tenants for their walk-through since they're all moved out. I just cringe thinking about having to look them in the eye.
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