feeling bi-polar

I talked to D today. I received an e-mail from our condo property manager that another occupant of our building was complaining of a water leak and they couldn't get in touch with D. My first thought was negative, of course, thinking he was dead, and left the water running. Curiously, I realize after the fact I had never considered that he might try to drown himself. Just that he was passed out or dead and left water running. Anyway...

I called immediately and there was no answer. I sent a text which he received right away and called me back. He was sober. SOBER. I knew the second he said something to me. We talked about the water issue and that he had no idea what it might be, had heard no one knocking on his door, etc. Then, I asked how he was, and he said ok. I told him that he sounded good, and asked if he was attempting sobriety. He said that he is, but that each time he makes it any decent length of time he gets so sick and can't deal with it. I reminded him that he'd been warned about the dangers of trying to detox at home.

The convo was nearing an end and I just blurted out "do you plan to ever see your kids." He said he thinks about that 100 times a day, about S sitting on his lap, or the twins pretending to cut his hair. I lost it then and the tears started flowing. I told him that they loved him and missed him. He told me that it's been so long now, that the thought of seeing them causes him so much anxiety. I reminded him that they are 3 and 4 years old, and they aren't going to judge him, only love him. I told him that they know he is sick, but that's it. That they know he's been in the hospital, because that's how we ended up with Sierra at our house.

He said "I can't see them when I'm drunk, and I can't see them when I'm withdrawing." Those were my rules, but then he went on to say "They can't see me like that." Hello insight. He said that was really lonely, and that Sierra was the only thing that had kept him from being NOT lonely. I said "you realize what I haven't given her back, right?" He said "yeah, I can barely take care of myself, let alone anyone else." Again, insight. I was shocked.

We were both crying by then. He said he hoped he could get the sobriety he needed and go on to have a happy family. I told him that I hoped so too, and then we hung up.

I sent J a text saying that we'd talked, and he was sober and I was crying, lol. He called immediately and was floored that he was sober. I told him about the convo. He suggested he might be ready to try phone calls with the kids. Nothing planned, just "as wanted."  I thought it was a great idea, and seemed to be a good time. The first time I brought it up, he totally blew me off.  We DID talk about the question of whether it was good to "re" introduce D back into their lives, not knowing how consistent this would be. Although not 100% confident in my choice, at this point in time, and given they are phone calls and nothing more, I decided it was probably ok.

So I called D back about an hour later, asking his thoughts on that. He said "we'll see." Um, excuse me?!? You just told me how much you miss and think about your kids and I practically throw this opportunity in your lap and you say we'll see??? Now, I didn't say that, but you bet I was thinking it. He then went on to say "nagging me is not going to help." THAT pissed me off, totally hit a raw nerve and immediately took me back to being married to him when he would tell me to stop nagging. I told him that I wasn't nagging, that I was trying to give his children some communication/interaction with him. He said "isn't that what J is for"? OMG. I said YOU'RE their father.

It just went down hill, and we got nowhere. by the time we were off the phone, I was livid. I texted J to tell him what happened. Poor thing, he called me right back to talk about it. I told him I felt bi-polar just talking to D...how I could be so emotional in one way after the first call, and very pissed off after the second. He seriously just brings it out in me. J talked me off the ledge. I reminded him his was the 2nd time I'd suggested, and the 2nd time he'd shot it down. He did throw out another scenario...that this may be D's way of setting the stage TO leave. That by denying my request, he's passive aggressively telling me that he's done with the kids. I don't quite buy it, but it was a good theory and definitely food for thought. If it were just the twins and not S, I could see it more, be he adores (or at least used to adore) that girl. I can't say it's not his M.O., because passive-agressive should be his middle name.

Anyhoo...J and I circled back to the part of the convo where D had brought up his name. J said "you should tell him I want to adopt them and THEN see what he says." I was outside close to a busy street at this point, and didn't really process what he'd said for a second or two after he'd said it. But he didn't stop to get my reaction, just kept on talking. I wasn't shocked, but I was surprised to hear that from him. It won't necessarily hypothetical. He wouldn't have said it, if he hadn't entertained the idea.  Regardless, we didn't stop to talk about that, but now it's in my head...and has been a thought that I have entertained recently...somewhere down the line...

The good and the expected...

First, the expected...a high school friend of D's texted me the morning after he deactivated his FB account, saying that he'd sent her a "miss you" e-mail on FB just a few hours before his account was deactivated. She's lost a sibling to suicide, and was concerned. She said she'd talked with a few of their mutual friends to try to get them to check on him, but all said that he was in a secure building and they couldn't get in.  Cue contacting me. Long story short, I TOTALLY forgot that one of his childhood friends is a cop in the city that we live in. L (friend) had gotten DB (cop friend) to get a another cop to check on him, and was met with the same issue of not being able to get in the building.

So, DB called me on Thursday, asking what was going on. He was in our wedding, have seen him not even a handful of times since. D has always spoken highly of DB and his entire family so I honestly had no issues sharing some of what was going on with him, especially as a police officer. He told me that he'd tried to reach out to D several times, inviting him over for Thanksgiving, and D never responded. They saw each other at a hockey game a few years and go and D completely blew him off. They've always had the kind of relationship that they could just jump right in after a long hiatus, but even DB said it seemed like an effort in futility to try to remain in contact.

I still don't have a key to the outside of our condo building. I had to call the property manager, who manages multiple properties/tenants and tell him that D might not be in a good place, and I needed the cops to check on him. He was eager to help and told me that D had looked rough the last several times he'd seen him. I was shocked, given all he has to keep track of, that he even remembered, so it had to be bad.

I met him at the building. He opened the door for me, and I had to wait for the cops to come. They did, it took forever. D was there, he let them in, let them look around. They said there was no indication that he might hurt himself. He seemed very anxious. Which is normal for him. So that was that.

As I was sitting there waiting for them to come downstairs, I realized how fed up I was and how I DIDN'T want to be sitting there. I've done my time, right?

Earlier that day, I had driven over, trying to get a spare key from him, just so I could have it, since C lost mine. I sent him a few texts letting him know I was stopping by. Nothing. No response. And of course when I showed, he wouldn't answer to let me in, or bring the key down to me. I sent J a text when I was on my way there, just to let him know what i was doing. He immediately called me, begging me not to go. Telling me he was worried and didn't trust what D would do. He started crying. So, I stayed on the phone with him while I walked up to ring the buzzer so he'd have the peace of mind that I was ok. Then, I promised I'd never do it again.

I didn't hear from D all weekend. I texted today to ask if he was ok. He said yes he was and that I needed to take him off of my credit cards so that he can try and re-fi. He should have done this a year ago, per our separation agreement. The only reason he's doing it now is so that I don't have a say/connection to the condo. Fine, whatever. I DO need to take him off of the card, so I will do that. Then, he texts right back to say that he's about to have a heart attack and can he have Sierra back. I responded that if he was having a heart attack, he needed to go to the hospital.  More than likely, it's an anxiety attack. I didn't mention Sierra at all.

And then the good...J and I took my kids and O to the pumpkin patch on Sat. Good GOD 4 kids is ALOT of work, especially at a place like that. S and C were both in rare form. There were several times that I heard J say "go with mommy. go with Stacey." He told me on Sunday that that had morphed into "go with Mommy Stacey", which is how he is referring to me now with O. Obviously, I'm  not his mom, so J didn't want to throw him off by continuing to say mommy. I had heard him struggle with that throughout the day, so now I guess I'm Mommy Stacey:)

There has been no specific talk about future recently, and I'm ok with that. Things are good. But, still, I'm a female and I'm curious. And the fact that he has given this name for me, to his son, speaks volumes. Things are good:)

Well...

Drunk D strikes again.

I sent him a text Sunday, checking on him, asking if he went to psych appt, and if so what she did about the medicine he can no longer afford. He didn't respond.

Also, on Sunday, I posted a pic of me and J on FB. I should have known he'd lash out. I woke this morning to see a status update from him, saying something like "You get everything you want. The judge and the divorce decree said Sierra is mine. I still don't have my IRA money and that's illegal. Give me my dog or I'll see you in court."

My first instinct was to laugh...a huge change from my getting so instantly pissed that I wanted to throw my phone across the room. Progress, perhaps. I showed J. He pulled me over, sat me on his lap and just hugged me. I love him:)

I knew I'd respond, but I needed some time to pull together a response. I actually commented 3 separate times. and TRUST me, I thought of the repercussions (for him) in forming my response, but dude seriously, he's going to call me out like that and then expect me not to defend myself. My 1st response was something like:

Check the divorce papers. There is no mention of Sierra in there, and I was happy for you to have her, so long as you could take of her. However, you left her in your CAR for 21 hours, while you were in a bar. Due to circumstances associated with how much you drank, you left her in your car. Despite my best efforts of trying to contact you, via phone and text, you didn't tell me where she was. You COULDN'T respond? Fine. You could have let a hospital staff person tell me her whereabouts. We're lucky she's alive. You're lucky I didn't press animal cruelty charges. I'm happy to see you in court.

Comment 2: ps. It's been 18.5 weeks since you've seen your children.

Comment 3: Finally, re: the money. You're right. You do have an IRA that needs to be in your name. It got lost in the mess of changing accounts/transferring money. I realize it's legally yours. I also have to raise our 3 children for the next 18 years. I've done everything in my power to help you, more than any other sane person would have helped, including after we separated. For that reason alone, I thought you might take pity on me regarding the money.

I didn't tag him in my comments. I didn't want him alerted any sooner than needed that I had responded. I wanted his friends to see. I was pissed, but I was also so rational at the same time. I'm done wondering if it's the "right" thing to do, to respond to his posts so aggressively. I'm tired of babying him.  He acts, he needs to expect a response to his action.

Anyway, he deactivated his FB account a few hours later. I'm struggling with this. It was the only way I had to keep track of him. Was the only way I knew he was in the hospital, and thus knew that I needed to worry about Sierra. Granted, I have her now, and so there's not much more I need to know about...but still.

I worry that this is the beginning of his end. He had already cut himself off from so many, and now he's essentially cut ties with everyone he knows. This scares me.

I expect that he'll possibly leave town.

On a different note, a more positive one...J and I ran a 10k on Sunday. This the furthest I've ever run. And he was right there with me:) He finished about 30 seconds before me, and ran up and hugged me and kissed me. And regardless of the sweaty pig that I was, he told me I was so beautiful.

And he continues to talk about the future. He mentioned last week that he had some plans for my basement, down the road...wanting to build two bedrooms down there. The unspoken was that one of those two rooms would be for O. He mentions dealing with the boys that will undoubtedly come, considering my two daughters. He's all in. I still have an inkling of worry that he'll change his mind, but I've tried to push it as far back as I can, and certainly am not letting it frame the relationship in anyway.

At least weekly, I have a convo with S that starts with her telling me that he spends more time with O than with us. I remind her that 1) he doesn't, and that 2) he is his daddy and wants to spend as much time with him as possible. She usually accepts this explanation, but this weekend took it a bit further and said "he's not O's daddy. He's OUR daddy." OMG. This was out of left field, coming from her, who tends to be more stand offish to J than my other two are.  She has this internal struggle of wanting to dive in to a relationship with him (asking for hugs/playing) vs ignoring him and pretending like she doesn't care about him. Clearly, her own defense mechanism of being afraid of getting too close. I told her than no, J wasn't her daddy. That he was O's daddy, but that he liked spending time with us.

status quo, I suppose

Nothing too crazy to report. I've talked to D every other day or so. He's more and more clear and lucid, although I assume that's b/c he's out of Librium. We actually had a good discussion yesterday, and he gave me the ok to help him with his disability application. I've been wanting to, not to be in his business, but it's a hard system to navigate even when someone is mentally healthy. I made more progress in 20 minutes than he'd made in a year. Bottom line: it's not looking pretty. I spoke with a paralegal at a local firm who told me his application would be thrown out immediately b/c he is actively drinking. "They" want to see at least 6 months sobriety, in order to prove that the depression, mania, anxiety, PTSD is there in the absence of the drinking. It just really pisses me off. Alcoholism is a disease too, and at the very heart of it is the inability to stop. BUT, I do see the point of this stipulation also. 15 years ago, substance users needed only to prove that that was their dx. Now, it's not even. I have my MSW, as well as several of my friends. I cannot believe that between ALL of us, we did not know this.

So I called to tell him this. He said "well then I need to stop drinking." And I could FEEL us moving into that circular conversation where this is the topic, but no progress is made because we're talking, but not making decisions, or doing anything to move the issue forward. So frustrating, and I'm so glad that I don't have to worry about this every day. I suggested inpatient treatment. He shot it down saying he's done it before. I finally pulled the card in my back pocket. I told him that, right now, I didn't feel comfortable giving Sierra back to him. I don't feel like he can adequately take care of her. He didn't fight me. Maybe he expected it. Maybe he knows it himself. I was NOT as direct as I could have been, saying you are NOT getting her back. For good or bad, that's just not me. We ended the convo without any decisions of anything, his sobriety or the living arrangements of our dog. I feel that he's headed into another binge. My thoughts on him not getting Sierra are enough to send him there.

Prior to that convo we'd had another, in which he ended up hanging up on me. Again, we were talking about Sierra and I said I don't understand why she was with you that night. "I take her everywhere, you know that." "Why in the HELL would you take her to a fucking BAR." Hang up.  His judgement, his logic, it's just not there. He either knows he F'd up, or just refuses to thinking hard enough about it to make that realization.

His bro has drafted guardianship papers. I reviewed, and they need some work. regardless, I'm not ready to file them yet, especially as I see his clarity returning. Taking ME out of the equation, I think it's a very important decision to all but take someone's rights away from them. M is worried about D's money.  I have seen NO evidence that he is spending through money. Not to say that he won't, that's part of the mania...but to date, he's kept himself in check. I have no right to get control over it, nor does anyone else. I understand that M wants to make sure it's preserved as much as possible for our kids, I get that, but right now, it's not an immediate concern.

I talked to his psychiatrist last night. I had called a few days ago to discuss Sierra and the guardianship. she had limited knowledge of what happened to land him in the hospital, so I filled her in as best I could. I told her he hasn't seen his kids in 18 weeks. I told her I was struggling with what to do with Sierra. That I'd feel guilty if I gave her back and something happened, but I'd feel more guilty if I didn't give her back and something happened to him. Either way, I'm screwed, I think. As his doc, she obv couldn't give me any advice. We discussed guardianship. I told her that papers had been drafted but that I wasn't ready to move forward at this point. She did agree that if he keeps drinking, he will need a guardian to ensure that his basic needs are met, as his brain/body potentially start to fail him. It was good to talk to her. We have a very good relationship, always have, and i know she knows that my intentions in contacting her are good. We agreed that I would keep in touch if I needed.

J doesn't want me to give Sierra back. I get it. I GET IT. Poor guy. He told me yesterday that he thinks about D more than any other guy ever, and they've never even met. He WANTS to meet him. Actually wants to shake the shit out of him.  Bless his heart, I really feel like the luckiest girl in the world for having met him. Anyhoo...it's interesting to hear his take on D and the situation, both broadly and specific to the latest incident. he understands why I would entertain giving her back. He understands my issue with the guilt. He said last night that he thinks whatever is going to happen with D is going to happen, regardless of if he has Sierra. Having her may prolong the inevitable, but what will be, will be. He thinks he's using her as a crutch. And I really liked that analogy! I asked him why I would possibly take a crutch away from someone who needed it. that's when we got to the point of prolonging the inevitable.

Last night, I remembered something D had mentioned in relation to Sierra. I had told him that she had adjusted well, after the first night of anxiety. that she's getting walks, and even going for runs with me or J (well, I didn't tell him the J part!). That she's fine with the kids, doesnt seem skittish ,etc. He said "I'm really surprised. When she would be there with me, she would tolerate the kids, and be ready to leave after an hour." I've ALWAYS said that he projected his own feelings on to her, and this was my proof. Because now, I've seen her for over a week in the absence of him and she's FINE. It's HIM who can only tolerate the kids for an hour and is ready to leave.

he's so incredibly sick

I got a call from D at 7 this morning, telling me he'd be discharged today. If I hadn't known it was him, I would not have guessed it. they have him pumped full of so many meds.

I picked him up about 1:15. I was instantly blown away by how sick he looked. The nurse had to help him get in the car.

What I now know about Saturday night: he remembers drinking at the bar, then he remembers waking up in an ambulance (there's also a bit of knowledge of being about 100 feet from his car, so he apparently collapsed in the parking lot), and then waking again at the ER. He heard someone say "he's seizing." It took 18 IV bags to get him hydrated. He many have had a small heart attack in the ambulance.

Since his collapse, balance has been an issue. He can't walk without holding on to something. He has orders for PT to visit him at his house to help him figure out how to navigate stairs. He was told he shouldn't be living alone. He needs someone to help him.

fuck fuck fuck

He's not processing anything.

He said "I can't wait to see the kiddos, " as if he'd just been away for a few days (not 18 weeks). I looked at him, trying to understand what that statement meant. I truly think he has no idea how long it's been. I think days have blurred to weeks, to months. My bitterness about that subsided a little. So so sick.

The "easy" part of this, for me, was that he did not ask for Sierra. And now, I have his physical issues to argue why he shouldn't have her. He can barely walk/get up the stairs, which means that her trips outside will be less than they already were.

After he told me about this issue with the stairs, I asked if it was ok if I made sure he made it to condo ok, since he lives on 3rd floor. He was fine it. We pulled out of lot, and should have gone left to get to the condo. Instead he went right, so I followed. I thought at first he was going to stop by the store, but he passed that, and got closer and closer to my house, which made me anxious. Did he think he was going to get Sierra? Finally, at a stoplight I jumped out of the car and ran up to his to ask where he was going. He looked at me blankly and said "I have no idea." I told him to turn around and I'd follow, which he did. Getting up the stairs was slow, but manageable, especially since there's a substantial railing to hold on to.

We got inside and I reminded him that I'd been there Sun night. He had no recollection. I asked him if he knew he was a "silent patient." He had no memory of making that request, although in a drunken stupor I'm sure he did. I politely asked if something happened in the future, would he please give the ok to keep me informed and he said yes. I asked if he'd check in via text, letting me know he was ok, and he said yes.

I'm desperately afraid he's going to die, on a combo of lithium and alcohol. I didn't even broach the drinking topic. There was no point, and quite frankly I'm tired of it. All I can see in my head is that huge glass of white wine that was still on the coffee table from Sat night, and the watered down rum and coke still in his fridge. He doesn't even need to leave the condo to get alcohol back in his system.

I've already touched base with his brother about getting a guardian appointed. I'm the most likely candidate, and the one he'd most likely be ok with holding that role. I'm waiting on a call from M to see what that means for me. Are we jumping the gun with this? Part of me says yes, but the other part feels like he needs it to keep him safe.

he is disintegrating in front of my eyes.

emotional

Probably goes without saying that this entire situation has me so emotional. I'm so angry at D right now, but at the same time so sad, worried, anxious, etc.

Other than his condo (which legally he still shares with me), he really has nothing left to lose at this point. Nothing. And yes, I understand it's his fault, and it's only through choice that he's made that he's in the situation, but I'm sad for him. I wonder if he's sad, or worried, or anxious. Probably all.

I called and he's still in the hospital, still a "silent" patient. I have to imagine he's off observation, and probably on a psych unit. It's where he needs to be, but god it must be lonely. And I hate this for him. I hate that he was dealt such a shitty hand and he couldn't overcome it.

Is this his bottom? Finally? I've thought I've seen it so many other times but I didn't. But is this it. Can he finally get his shit together and start climbing the ladder to sobriety, and happiness, and productivity?

After his last inpatient treatment (from which he relapsed 6 days later), I remember him telling me that all he could think about was alcohol and how much he wanted a drink. Is that what he's thinking now? Or is he thinking about his children, or his dog?  Or is he thinking that he has nothing left? Or is that all too painful and he's trying not to think at all?   Is he just going through the motions, participating in groups and telling a social worker what she wants to hear, just biding his time until he can get out.

I don't plan on giving Sierra back to him, unless, like I said, he REALLY proves himself, and I've yet to come up with a definition of what that means. I'm so afraid that if he doesn't get her back, that will be it for him. I thought getting a divorce would send him over the edge. If he doesn't get her back, I wouldn't be shocked at whatever he chooses to do.  And I would feel responsible.

I dread the convo telling him he can't have her. dread it.  

in the hospital

New drama...

things have been pretty status quo lately, so even though there has been minimal craziness (both good and bad), I've neglected to post. Now though...we have some serious drama.

D did a FB check-in at a local music venue on Sat night, about 12:30. Then, 3 hours later, did another check-in at the local hospital. He's no stranger to checking in at the ER, mostly for attention, I believe. But, this one just made me think twice. I didn't see these check-ins until Sunday morning. About 1 pm, I decided to call the hospital. They were able to tell he was there, but referred to him as a "silent patient" telling me they couldn't give me any info. I started to get anxious, so sent his brother (also an attorney) a text, who then called and tried to get more info, but couldn't.  D's phone was off. 

About 3, I realized that Sierra (our dog, living with him), was going to need help. I sent him a text, which was delivered, so his phone was back on. I asked if he was in the hospital, no response. I told him if I didn't hear from him, I was going to pick her up. No response. 

I started calling J, who I hadn't talked with that day, since he was home with his son. HIS freaking phone was off. I gave it an hour, tried again. Still off. I started calling every 15 minutes. Compulsive, I know, but I couldn't stop. I sent him an e-mail. No response. I NEEDED him to go with me to pick up Sierra. I was afraid what I would find in our condo. I didn't want to go by myself. 

Thankfully, I was able to find a sitter, who I asked to come over at 7, thinking surely J would be at my house by then. She ended up coming early, about 6, and I STILL hadn't talked with J. Phone still off. I was actually pretty pissed at him, although didn't have much reason. He finally called a bit after sitter got there. He said his phone charger had been in his car, and he and O had hung out inside all day. He was ridiculously apologetic, but I was so upset, with him and the situation in general, that I pretty much hung up on him. 

So, I called the hospital again, confirming D was still there (and that it was safe for me to go to condo). I got there, and Sierra wasn't there. I texted D, asking him where she was. No response. What the FUCK. WHERE was my dog?  His car was gone also. 

I went home, completely baffled. Where was she? Sitter is actually a friend, and her husband is a cop., who happened to be on duty. She called him, and we were able to figure out that no paperwork had been filed on D or his car from the night before.  I don't even remember why it was important, but friend suggested I call the hospital again and find out how he was transported there. Did he drive himself, go by ambulance, police, etc. 

I was again met with "he's a silent patient." I finally had the clarity to ask what that meant. It means that either he or his dr had given orders that he was not to have visitors, talk to anyone, or let anyone know he was there. I explained the situation, that I was trying to find my dog. I told her I didn't want any info on him, just to know how he had gotten there so I might get a clue where my dog might be. I mentioned the ER and she said "oh, he came through the ER? they might have more info" so she transferred me. A very angry nurse answered the phone, informing me that her shift of staff had only been there an hour. I again relayed my story...trying to find my dog. She took pity on me and looked him up "oh yes, here's here, hold on." the next person to answer the phone answered "observation." that's when it all made sense to me. At this hospital, they have an observation unit within the ER, for mentally ill patients. Things became more clear. I explained my story again, and that I didn't want to know anything about him, only how he had gotten there. She transferred me again and I swear the phone rang for 5 minutes. Finally, someone answered and I spit out the story AGAIN. I could tell she put her hand on the receiver so I couldn't hear, and then I heard him. "Tell her to look behind the Pageant (bar he had been at), and my car is there." Then, I screamed "and my dog is in the fucking CAR?" The tech/nurse was clearly upset by the situation, but simply said yes. I told her I needed the car key, and how could I get it. She let me know if I came to the ER she would get it to me. 

About that time, J called to say he was on his way, asking how he could help. I told him what was going on and then HE lost it. 

Sierra had been in that car since at least 12:30 am, and by this time, it was after 8 pm. Neither of us discussed worst case scenario. He told me he'd go to the car, and that I should go to ER to pick up key. I asked what the point was of him going to car and he said he'd bust the window. I told him that made absolutely no sense whatsoever. He was at my house within 5 minutes and off we went. 

When I got to ER the nurse went back to get key, told me he didn't want to see me. Fine with me. 

J and I were both on edge during the short drive to his car. We found it, pulled up next to it and nothing. You could feel the freaking tension, and then suddenly my sweet girl's head popped up in the window. Luckily, he'd had the sense to crack the windows. Also luckily, I don't think it broke 80 degrees that day. 

So now, I have inherited my dog back. He is going to have to prove himself ALOT, and I'm not sure he can do it, if he has a chance in hell of getting her back. i tongue in cheek joked with J that this might give him incentive to come see his children. 

So, the mystery is still unsolved. He drove his car to the bar, which was actually within (far) walking distance of condo. He took her with him. Guessing maybe, that he expected to have a drink or two and leave...but why take her at all? He clearly was taken by police or ambulance, since his car was there. Bar fight that needed medical attention? BUT, if he was as drunk as he was to take her to the bar, he was in no shape to fight so that's probably not it. passed out, hit the floor, they called 911?  Also guessing that his BAC was so incredibly high that they refused to let him go home. Most likely being detoxed as we speak. When I heard him Sun night he had that voice of being sober, (which I haven't heard in FOREVER) and knowing that he was in a shit load of trouble. I've heard it many time. 

I still have his car key, and condo keys, so he will have to let me know when he is discharged. 

So, that's that. 

Divorced

I was sitting at work, minding my own business on Wednesday afternoon, when an email from my attorney popped up.

"Judge R entered the Judgment of Dissolution today, so you are officially divorced."

Just like that, it was done. Just like that, I started sobbing, a nasty, ugly cry. I'm sure people could hear me outside of my office. I couldn't stop the tears. They weren't tears of happiness, or even relief. I was so, SO sad.  Despite my STRONG desire to end the marriage, it was still so sad. The loss of a marriage, the loss of a family, the loss of dreams that we had always talked about, places we wanted to visit, where we thought we'd be in 5 years/10 years. It was all gone. All of it.  And shared memories...the days our children were born, relatives deceased (his mom and grandmother, 3 of my grandparents), that any significant other that comes after will never know. Hell, there's a picture of us the day we got married, with both sets of my grandparents. It's so special to me, and I can never hang it on the wall again. A picture of him and his mom at our wedding that is wonderful, that was banished to a drawer along with other wedding memories a year and a half ago. I'll keep those for our kids, of course, but it still hurts to know that that part of my/our life, is over. 

And, I've moved into a new category. I can't check "married" anymore, or even "single." I'm divorced. I don't care really, makes no difference. I don't think one is any better than the other. But still, a new category. 

After I collected myself a bit, I started writing him a letter, but the tears started coming again, so much I couldn't even see the screen. But, I will finish the letter, and send to him. I don't know if he'll read it. But, it will make me feel better. I want him to know I don't think he's a bad person. I know at one time he knew that, but I fear that in his distorted view of everything, he may have forgotten. I want to remind him that he will always be welcome in our children's lives, so long as he is sober. If it's not for 5 years, so be it. But i want him to know that it's ok to contact me to see them. 

I still love him as a person, as the father of my children. If not for him, I wouldn't have the exact 3 that I do. And they are the kids I was meant to have, I firmly believe that. I want the best for him, and if he ever asked for my help, I would jump to give it. 

I think it was a year and eight months ago that I first talked with a therapist about all of this. Even then, I knew in a very small corner of my brain what I wanted the end result to be, I just needed someone to help. I knew I was not meant to be with him for the rest of my life. It didn't feel good anymore, and hadn't for years, to be honest. As I told her my story, she slowly encouraged me to walk down the path that would lead to this day. I fought it at times, but I got here. I ALWAYS said that before I even made the first move toward divorce that I wanted to know that I tried everything to save our marriage (which essentially meant trying everything that I could to save him). I honestly feel like I did. I have no regrets about that, no "what if we'd tried this or done that." Knowing that brings me some peace in this.

papers signed

Late last week brought a whirlwind of emotions/anxiety.

After a lot of back and forth with attorney (due to my misunderstanding), I received our affidavits and judgement, all which needed to be signed, and the affidavits notarized.

I had had no contact with D since the threats. I began e-mailing/texting on Wed, letting him know I had the papers and we needed to sign, and could he met Thur or Fri. He didn't respond. As usual with anything to do with him, my anxiety went through the roof. It was HORRIBLE. I let it go until Thursday morning. Historically, I KNOW that repeated attempted contacts with him do NOT work. If anything, it causes him to take LONGER to respond. So, I lied. I sent him a text and told him that I understood that he many not be comfortable leaving his condo, so that I was more than happy to bring a notary to him. He responded less than 15 minutes later that he would meet me on Friday.

Going in to Thursday night, I was still mad/upset about the threats and how he felt it was acceptable to say things like that. I woke up Fri morning to see this on FB. I should preface this by saying that I usually get a warning text from a friend when something that might upset me is posted. This time, I didn't, as he posted about 1 am and I saw it before 7 am.

"As I'm about to sign the final divorce paperwork tomorrow morning. I want to thank Stacey for being the best wife a man could ever have. The best mom in the world who after many struggles blessed us with the three most perfect children in the world. We purchased two homes together. It has been the best 14 years of my life. Thank you!!!"

My heart stopped when I read it. Instant tears, and I must have gasped or something b/c I remember J looking very concerned. I threw my phone at him, he read it, and then just rolled over and gave me a hug. I can't even put into words what I was feeling. For a brief second, I assumed it was sincere, but then I got pissed b/c I thought he was being manipulative. My main thought was "how DARE he say that?" Initially, I wasn't even upset that it was so visible, it was just really "how does he have the balls to say that." I went through every emotion. 

I will honestly say that there was about 10 seconds, that's all it lasted, that I thought, OMG maybe we can make this work. Maybe he really does want to make this work. But then, that thought was gone. 1) I know he's not capable and 2) I've moved on, with no regrets, and plan to keep it that way. 

J, God bless him, told me he thought that D was being sincere and that perhaps the 14 years really were his best. Hours later, I realized this probably was/is the case, and that even though he thinks that, I have my own perspective on those 14 years. The passing out, the being called a bitch in a drunken stupor, the DUI's, the jail bail-outs, the hurt feelings he caused others, the blood on my floor b/c he did something stupid. It brought up things that I had COMPLETELY forgotten about, or out and out denied happening, even in my own head. 

I met him at the bank with mixed emotions. I had SO wanted to be pissed at him, and partially was, but mostly I was sad. Divorce is sad, especially when it's yours. He was waiting for me. We walked to the banker, and I could FEEL D looking at me. I refused to look back. I didn't want to start crying. I had tears in my eyes as it was and didn't want to give him the satisfaction.

It took all of 5 minutes, and then he followed me out of the bank, trying to make small talk. This is D. Can never have a serious conversation. We just ended an 11 year marriage, and he wants to talk about the construction across the street. I supposed I didn't do much better. I immediately went on the defensive and started showering him with questions about the threats. He told me to forget it, that it was done in a drunken haze and shouldn't have been said, and that he would apologize. Then, I immediately started confronting him about how S had been in the ICU. His response? "I'm on FB. I saw." "Really? Then you couldn't visit? Couldn't call me to check on her? Couldn't send a fucking balloon??" And then, I went THERE. "The next time you want to threaten J, you should know that HE was the one that was there with me. That HE met me in the ER and stayed for 48 hours. That HE needed to leave, but didn't because she cried for him to stay." God help me, I know I went too far, I KNOW it, but it just came out, it was just POURING out of my mouth. It was NOT the time to bring him up, and I knew that, but the connection with the threats and then her being in the hospital, in my mind at that time, it made sense. 

He responded with "yeah, and he's telling me I'm not welcome to see my kids." He was referring to the very first e-mail that J sent to him after the threat "stay away from her and the kids." I told him that he was NEVER told that he wasn't welcome, and that he knew what he had to do to see them. At that point, he slammed the car door and drove away.

I don't know what made me think I could go back to work after signing the papers. I was exhausted. I did meet a friend for lunch, but then headed home. I closed the curtains and crawled under the covers. I relived some of the 14 years. A lot good, especially at the beginning, but SO much bad, throughout. How he thinks he hasn't changed is beyond me. 

I know I did the right thing, for me and my kids. I'm not sure it was the best thing for him, but I can't dwell on that. He's an adult. He has to take care of himself. I do predict that he'll be dead in 12 months. He can't sustain the level he is drinking. He could barely sign his name. He used to have such a distinctive signature, and now, even knowing him, I can barely tell that it's his. 

I'm REALLY working on something. I get SO mad when he/his friends talk about his kids like he's the best dad ever. It infuriates me. But in conversations with J, I realize that, at the end of the day, it's not the worst thing in the world if he has his friends thinking this. It's not hurting me. it's not hurting our kids. If he gets any sort of satisfaction from that, so be it. So for now, I'm really going to try to overlook it, as right now, it's only causing me anxiety/anger. I will try to let it go. 

threats

So. J and I were out on Sat night when my sister sent me a text saying WTF?. I knew it could only be D, so I hopped on FB to find the following comment to J's "relationship status" post from last week.


"Always keep in the back of your head that I can and will show you the worst ass beating of your life."

I was in shock. J was livid. We didn't really even know what to say. I mean seriously, what do you say? J thought D was referring to me. I thought he was referring to J (since it was a comment on J's post). Regardless...who says that? J sent him a private message. Lovely first contact between the two, don't you think. He let me see each thing he sent before sending. The first was just simply "stay away from her and the kids." There were a few other exchanges, when it came out that the threat was actually to J, not me, and he went in to more detail. We haven't heard anything from him since J's last response.  I'm debating a restraining order, but really want to wait until the divorce is final.  I don't want anything to hold it up.  He's clearly delusional.

And, WHY the threats in the first place? Because J is in my life, and D isn't? The majority of that is his own fault. Because J has more contact with the kids than D does? Again, that's his own doing. There's no logical reason for the anger towards J. None. Also, he e-mailed his cousin privately, basically mother-fucking her because she appears to be on my "side." "I'm family, she's not. We wouldn't have these kids if it weren't for my mom." Referencing the fact that his mom helped us pay for an IVF cycle.

I am ready, just so SO ready to out him. I'm not talking about the mental illness or even the alcoholism, but I want people to know what kind of dad he is. It's been TEN weeks. TEN, since he's seen his kids.  At dinner on Sat night, before we saw that message J and I were talking about at what point do I just say enough is enough, and forever deny him access to his kids. And if it got to that point, what would I say, how would I tell them? It's not to that point yet, but J's thought is how much longer can we keep saying that daddy is sick? And he's right. It's a cop-out on my part. And in the back of my mind I wonder what it would do to D to be denied total access.  And then I think of his threats.  He doesn't deserve my thoughts, but he still gets them, although significantly less and less.

And then there is J, who has been ridiculously supportive since D's little outburst. I've been really overwhelmed and emotional since Sat night, and he's right there. And, just as important, he's held his shit together. I know he's pissed, and has every right. But he's reacting and responding in appropriate ways.  I just can't imagine life without him. Ever.

At our new school, they e-mail me each morning with that plan for the day, including topics that will be discussed. Today, the twins are learning how to say dad in french and spanish. I cringed when I saw it, and told J. His response? "They need to teach them how to say step-dad.

I love him, and his goofy sideways hat:)

10 years off my life

I struggle to walk to my mailbox. It's often not checked for 3-4 days at a time. I checked this morning, first time in maybe a week, and was looking through it as I walked back inside. I saw an envelope from D, business size, his writing addressing it to me. I started shaking. Given the recent suicide of Robin Williams, it's been forefront in my mind. It was sent on Friday, the day S went to the hospital. Now, logically, I knew he was still alive, since I'd seen him log on to FB on Sun night, but that wasn't registering.

I ripped it open and saw a few pieces of notebook paper. Fear/anxiety kept rising. Out fell two keys and a check to me. He had made copies of his front door keys, and sent me a check to help with daycare. I seriously almost just fell right there in the kitchen floor, from relief.

I've always envisioned finding out he killed himself, but never this. In my mind, it's alway a call from a hospital/police. When I see a strange number on my phone, regardless of time of day, my heart always skips a beat.

So, phew. For now, I guess.

In more happy news, lol, J outed us on FB last night. I'd made up my mind I wasn't going to say anything. Even once my divorce is final, I was still not sure if I'd be so public about our relationship, just b/c it seems a bit juvenile/immature. BUT, he did it. I was shocked actually. He's not a FB addict like me, lol. I actually got the notification that he had done it, but pretended I didn't know when he came back to the bedroom. He was trying to be sneaky saying he had just seen such and such on FB and had I watched the video yet. Nope, sure didn't. Finally, he pulled up his page and showed me. I just started giggling. I'm a huge dork, but love that he did it.

Also, I told him last night I'd downloaded an app to help me run a 10K. D would have either laughed, or rolled his eyes. J said "when do we start? What race did you pick?" I love him, and his support.

bad, bad weekend

My sweet little S spent Fri and Sat night in the PICU, due to an asthma attack on Friday at school. I KNEW something wasn't quite right, but couldn't put my finger on it. I wasn't shocked at all to receive a call from her school about 1 on Friday, asking if they should take her to urgent care. I was in my car when she called, so I flipped around and headed to school to see what was going on. She was in obvious distress. I try really hard not to abuse the ER, hoping to save it for true emergencies, but I could tell this was one.

When we got there, the nurse listened to her lungs, threw down the stethoscope and ran for the dr. In the end, the hospital I took her to could not provide the level of care that she needed, so she had to be taken by ambulance to another hospital. I had a feeling it was leading up to this, as all of the interventions they were trying were not helping. But when the dr broke the news, I started sobbing. It is scary SHIT when your child can't breathe. I was also frantically trying to figure out the logistics of how the situation would work. The twins were still at school. My parents knew what was going on and were actually in the area, so I had asked them to please not head home until a decision was made. J also told me to keep him updated and he was ready to revise his plans as needed, offering to stay with the twins overnight, should S be admitted.

In the end, she was admitted to ICU. My parents took the twins to their house. J, who had O that day, dropped him off at 7 and headed to meet me in the ER. We headed to the ICU about 7:30 on Fri night and were there until 2:30 am on Sunday morning, when she was well enough to handle a regular room (and there was immediate need for her ICU space for another child). With the exception of an hour or 2 late on Friday night when J ran home to grab stuff for us, he was there until Sunday morning, when he had to leave to get O and spend the day with him.

He was awesome and amazing, and helped me take care of S. He brushed her hair and made her laugh and even brought her Cinderella dress from home, in case she wanted to feel pretty. He helped me answer questions from the drs. He helped me hold her when she was combative from all the albuterol they were putting in to her little body. He took the place of her dad. She never asked for D. But, when J suggested on Sat night that he might need to leave to take care of some things, she begged him to stay, and he did.

Visitors have to wear stickers, stating patients last name and a few other pieces of info. You get these stickers from the front desk at the hospital. Interestingly enough, J's sticker labeled him as her parent/guardian. I have no idea if this was assumed by the person making the sticker, or what, but it was sweet and I liked it:)

At one point, one of the respiratory therapists asked me to compare J's breathing to S's. She said "look at your husband's neck. See how it looks right now?" I must have gotten just a stricken look on my face. J busted out laughing and explained he was boyfriend, not husband. Therapist was mortified.

Another time, J was showing her some pics on his computer. One was of his mom and step-dad. He briefly tried to explain step-dad to her, and then under his breathe said "you might have a step-dad some day." He looked at me and I could FEEL the blush on my face.

I swear, if I was not "sold" before, this weekend sealed the deal. And even before the weekend, last Thursday, I was in ridiculous pain from a pulled muscle in my back. J got up, woke up all 3, got them dressed and in the car for me to take to daycare. And he does it so easily. there is no frustration, no agitation like with D, 150% patience most of the time (and when he loses patience, it's completely understandable).

We always joke about "real world" and I've warned him from the beginning how chaotic my real world has the ability to be. But Sunday morning about 3 am, when S was moved to her new room, and we were sitting next to each other with his arm around me (half asleep ourselves), and we were watching her sleep in this almost dark hospital room, that's when I knew he had for sure made his way into our real world.

He texted me Sun morning, after he and O had breakfast, asking if S could see out her window. He had driven back to the hospital and was holding O and they were waving to her from the street.

Switching gears...I did not call/email/text D about what was going on. I was under no legal obligation to tell him, and since it's going on 10 weeks since he's seen his kids, I didn't give a rats ass. I do know that he was not on FB for several day, and didn't get on until Sunday night, so he missed the posts I made (primarily for his benefit). But, he's seen them know I KNOW, and I haven't received any form of communication from him asking how she is. Nothing. I at the very least had expected him to call bitching me out b/c I hadn't informed him, but I didn't even get that. Bastard.

He took these Thursday night. We were all sitting at the table, I was looking down and when I looked up there were in my lap and he was taking pics. I might have died just a little:)

The last one is of his goofy self trying desperately to cheer up S.

Soooooo.....

a bit more insight into the surprise.
Saturday was a bitch for me. We had a bday party in the morning, then met D's brother at family at the park, went home for nap and then headed to a friends surprise party. I was exhausted.
The bday party in the morning was at a Children's Museum. I don't know what made me think I could take all 3. We got there about 30 minutes before the party, so played a bit. They were barely manageable, but I did it. Then, we got to the party. A refused to sit by herself, C had paint all over him, despite a paint smock and S was clearly in need of some attention. It was a mess. I felt myself slowly melting down. It didn't help that I overhead other moms there complaining about how rough their life was (and they only had ONE kid at the party). Complaining about their younger child, who they mentioned was home with their dads. Yeah, rough life girls, real rough. I know that's mean, and I usually don't think that way, but that morning it was really lucky that I kept my mouth shut.

We left the party at 11:30, thinking we were meeting M and family at 12. He texted to say he was running late would be more like 12:30. I was livid, since we were on SUCH a tight schedule and needing to get naps in. I would have canceled but I had already told kids that we were going to the park. So, I texted M and told him we'd be there by 12, as planned, and would need to leave by 1 to get home. I knew he was pissed, but whatever. He lives 2 hours away so we don't see each other much, and I would have been more forgiving but this is the norm for him. His mom used to talk about it as "M time." If he says 5:30, you can typically plan on him showing at 7. It's just a blatant disregard for anyone else's time.

Anyway, as we were trading texts, J texted to see how things were going. I told him I was close to tears and wasn't sure how I thought I could handle all 3 by myself in a place like that. Then, he called me and let me vent. He was driving with O, out to wherever they were going that afternoon. I talked while driving to McD's to get food to take to park. He asked what park and I told him. As I was pulling out of the drive thru, through the parking lot, I looked over and he was standing outside of his car smiling at me. WTF? He said they'd been on their way, but were in no hurry, and he wanted to give me a hug. I know for a fact that this was the complete opposite direction of where they were headed. He just floors me, over and over.

He and O came to the park with us, where M and family did show up about 12:30. So now, J has met D's brother. That one was a bit awkward for me.

We made it home for nap, and then to friends party. I forgot I had a sitter for that night. I texted J to ask if he wanted to go out. Half of me needed to run screaming from my house and the other half just wanted to crawl under the covers:) We decided to go out, talking generally about getting a steak somewhere.

We're driving aimlessly, with no particular place in mind. We finally decided on a bar and grill neither had been to, and there was live music outside. It was just so nice to sit and veg out. He brought up my  ongoing issue of my paranoia that he's going to change his mind, reminding me that I could change mine just as easily. Although it didn't make complete sense, he said "At this point, I think it will take something like traumatic brain injury to change either of our minds, make us bored or complacent."  Then later, he asked if I wanted to know the "surprise" he had been talking about.

Apparently, that day he'd been talking to a close (girl) friend about me, about his feelings, etc. He told her he was thinking about having a ring for me, to give me on the day my divorce is final. I'm sure I just had a blank stare on my face. He said that he had asked her opinion on if he should tell me this or not. She said no, that it would stress me out. Clearly, he chose to tell me. My response was "oh, whatever!" as in, he would never do that.  Who knows. Last night, again, he asked, "you really don't think I'll do it?" But, I know him well enough to know that if he brought it up, he's thinking something. I also know he can't afford a ring right now, so maybe some token something. We'll see!!

He also talked more generally about getting married, saying that he'd be fine with not, and that he would not view the relationship as anything less if we didn't. He's concerned, as he has mentioned before, that his financial situation might impact me and my kids. While he has a very stable, reliable job, he doesn't get taxes taken out of his paychecks, and wouldn't want any tax implications to impact me. That's definitely something to work through. He went on to say that a marriage is the "ultimate declaration of love" and he regrets doing that with his ex, and that if that's what I wanted, he was more than onboard. I know myself. If it gets to that point, yes, I need to be married. False sense of security? Yes, but I still need it.

So there you have it. Something is most definitely brewing!

Oh, and also...he's been mentioning to me for awhile now that there's a Disney trip planned for next summer. His mom and step-dad have a timeshare in Orlando, and it would be O's first trip. He's jokingly said that if I play my cards right, me and my kids can go too. I've never brought it up, he has. On Sat night at dinner, he said that his mom mentioned something about if they wait another year (so summer 2016), then they could double their points and get a place big enough for all of us. He admitted that he has said relatively little about me to her, but she must be able to tell from WHAT he says, that it's serious (and so she's thinking I'll still be around in two years).  This is all just craziness.

It's August!

I hope to be divorced this month:)

My papers were filed on July 23, and there's a 30 day wait. My lawyer has already talked to the judge, and with any luck, this will all be done this month.

D has not seen his kids in 8 weeks. I've had no contact with him since seeing him at the bank 2 weeks ago. I did talk to our financial advisor earlier this week, who said he had made NO contact with her, meaning that the money he said was on the way was only a lie. Go figure.

Both of the twins (even C) talk about him. "Daddy's not coming tonight. Daddy's sick. Daddy's at his condo. When will we see him? Daddy doesn't want to get us sick."  My heart breaks for them, for each of them in different ways, b/c they are all handling it differently. I suppose this is their first taste of "life's not fair" but what I way to learn that lesson. For a few weeks, any time A got mad at me, she'd scream "I want my daddy!" She seems to be done with it, so hopefully just a phase that possibly came from daycare.

J, of course, continue to be fabulous. I continue to struggle, although less and less, with things like believing this is real, that he won't up and leave, that he does love me and my kids.  He's quite aware of my fear of rejection, lol, but deals with it very well:)

Something is going on in his brain, that he's not completely sharing. Earlier this week I had one of those days that I just needed some reassurance. I read back through some older texts and thought well "just b/c he said it then doesn't mean he still does." Just seeing me, he KNEW something was going on in my head "what's going on up there??" I told him, generally, and he said "to me, things are great, they continue to be awesome." He, apparently, was having the opposite kind of day that day, as he said something like "I was actually thinking the opposite today. Things get better and better." Then he started to say something else and said noooo, we'll keep that as a surprise. When I asked about it later that night, he just said "all in due time." Jerk, lol:)

Then, a few nights later, I mentioned that I'd gotten confirmation from attorney that papers had been filed. "So, you'll be a free woman in 30 days." Um yes, yes I will. He mentioned something about C and O when they are 18, and crazy, and how we'll have our hands full..with a silly grin on his face.

I the same convo, I told him about D's cousin, and her husband, who met online and were engaged 8 months later. I didn't say it in the context of us, but rather because she was just diagnosed with MS. Again, silly grin, "so they met online and were engaged 8 months later."

Anyway, something seems to be brewing but luckily I'm too busy to focus on it too much. Who knows what will happen.

and just like that...

I'm bawling.
He showed up. I can't see he looked like death; I've certainly seen him look much worse, but he did look bad. Very, very bloated. His fingers looked like sausages; tremors.

He sat next to me and the first thing out of my mouth was "you couldn't respond to helping me financially with the kids, but this you responded to right away?" He told me he's working with our advisor to liquidate some stocks and will be getting $5k to me soon. "I hope that helps a bit."  I was honestly shocked.

He told me that he's working with an advocate of some sort to work through the disability issue. According to him, he was told that each child would get $250 a month, and the commission was another $250, but that he would get nothing. That does NOT seem right to me. He must have misunderstood. He should get a check, as well as the kids. Regardless...that seems to be moving along too.

The notary called us back and that point and it was short and sweet. Afterwards, he needed to stay and do something with the bank but told me Sierra (our dog) was in his car. So, I went out and found her and started petting her and started sobbing. I miss her. I collected myself and happened to look down at the car. The passenger side of the car looked like he'd side-swiped something. When I asked him about it later, turns out he hit the side of the condo building when parking. Not making excuses, but I've almost done this a number of times, over the 10 year period I lived there. But, I imagine he was drunk when he did it. I also noticed that he must have backed up into something. The bumper underneath the license plate is busted. There were many empty gatorade bottles in the car...no doubt at one time filled with some sort of alcohol.

He came out and we started talking. We talked more about the disability and how I didn't think what he'd been told (or what he THOUGHT he was told) was accurate. He told me he thinks about the kids every day, and that the only thing he has too look at are the pictures that they've colored for him. I lost it again. He couldn't see, since I had sunglasses on, and I kept myself in check, but he started crying too.

I just, I can't even say what I was feeling. It wasn't anger anymore, but not pity either. Maybe just sadness. I just looked at him with the tears rolling down his cheeks and I felt BAD. For him, for me, for our kids. NOT for our marriage...I need to make that clear. This divorce is the best thing that could be happening to me. I kept looking at him, thinking that there was not even the tiniest piece of the person I married in his body. That person is all gone. And THAT made me sad.  It's almost like a piece of MY life has disappeared, along with him.

And now, as I type this, I am sobbing again. Big ugly tears.

He told me he can't see the kids until he can get himself healthy. He told me he's being seeing his psychiatrist every 6 weeks. Based on some things he's told her, she thinks he may be having seizures in his sleep. His MRI was relatively normal; no sign of a stroke, or anything like that. There is some plaque on his brain, but apparently this is normal for his age.

I don't know how it popped out of my mouth, but I asked if he would consider just talking to the kids on the phone. J had actually suggested this awhile ago, so that they get some sort of interaction with him. I was really up in the air about doing it, but out came the suggestion. He said "I need to take care of me before I can take care of them" which DID piss me off. It's a fucking PHONE call. I asked if he was saying it wasn't an option and he said that it WAS an option, but then he dropped it.

In all, it was more than civil. I was glad to get caught up on his medical stuff, and to see my sweet Sierra.

fucking livid

D never responded to my e-mail practically begging for money. Not a word. It's been 6 weeks this week since he's had any contact with his kids.

On Monday, I talked to attorney, who received my notarized paperwork that will be filed next Monday. This will put the modification from legal separation to divorce into action. Attorney sent me another doc for Dan for Dan to sign, waiving his right to service. I e-mailed him Monday night, not really expecting a response, but he did that night. So, the welfare of his kids doesn't kick start an immediate response, but the thought of possibly getting served with papers did. Whatever. It pissed me off, but I moved on. We made a time to meet today to have him sign papers. Then yesterday, I realized that this doc also needs to be notarized. I e-mailed him to get his thoughts on where to meet, his bank, my bank, etc.

In typical Dan fashion, he took control (clearly feeling OUT of control in every other aspect). He named the time, as well as the location of the bank. Fine. This was yesterday afternoon.

Then this morning, I woke up to a text (and two frantic emails) from our financial advisor. She told me she was working on getting my Roth IRA transferred from my account to D's.

Sidenote: in our original agreement, I gave D my Roth. Don't ask me why the fuck I did that, just trying to be fair, I'm sure. Anyway, when our accounts were split last winter, this didn't get transferred to him.

So now, when he has avoided calls from our advisor for MONTHS, the thought of an impending divorce certainly gets his ass in gear. Advisor is a friend of ours, and so this morning mentioned "so, today is a big day, right?" I'm like, WHAT? "Your divorce decree is final today at 12, right?"

Then the pieces all came together for me. Bastard (again after NO contact with advisor in months), LIED to her about today, in order to get this Roth transferred, no doubt scared that he will lose out on that money.

All this work to get $8000, and he can't even respond to an e-mail to me about buying milk or fucking diapers for his kids. I had told my mom about the Roth and told her I wasn't going to say anything and if he forgot, the money would just stay as mine. Not much I can do with it, without penalty anyway, so I wouldn't use it, but I still like I had a bit of SOMETHING, in lieu of his giving me NOTHING.
FUCKING BASTARD. OMG, I just want to OUT him to his friends His friends that are so WORRIED about him and his well-being.

Anyway, meeting him in 30 minutes.

reaching out to D

I sent D an e-mail this morning. I typed it, stared at it, sent it to a friend to get her "permission" to send, and finally sent it.

The topic was PURELY financial; nothing about his drinking or his health, or when he plans to see his kids. I'm currently working out daycare plans for this upcoming "school" year. S is aging out of our current daycare. It accepts kids 6 months to 6 years, and she's 4.5, but there's only one other child their her age. Also, it's a home setting, and as she gets ready for kindy Fall 2015, I feel like she needs to be in more of a classroom setting. She does not have the personality that you can just throw her into a new situation. She needs time to process and get used to new situations. So, I found a brand new pre-school that is 10 minutes from my house, on a direct path to my house.  A friend of mine is the director, and she's given me a great discount. That said, even WITH the discount, I'm looking at more than $30,000 for 3 kids, for 13 months. Yes, you read that right. I could keep them at our current place for another year, and save $10, 000 and still have to rely on my parents one day a week b/c our current place only has room for all 3, 4 days a week.

So, THAT amount freaked me out. I have settlement money from D's mom's estate to pay for this. It's not like I would have to come up with the amount, but I hadn't expected to drop so much in one year. On top of that, J is rehabbing my bathroom. The ugly bathrooms in my house were almost a deal breaker to me agreeing to buy the house 3 years ago. Yet, here I am, STILL with 2 ugly bathrooms. We've been talking about the rehab for about 8 weeks. He's ready to dive in, we're going shopping for the first materials tomorrow, actually, but I'm feeling guilty about spending the money. I feel like OMG I'm going to spend over $30000 in daycare, who am I to drop money on something frivolous like this now?! But dammit, I want it done, lol.

Anyway, the e-mail I sent to D basically asked the status of his social security disability appeal...knowing full well he hasn't started the appeal process. I told him exactly how much daycare will cost and how I hope to not drain the account before they even make it to kindergarten. I suggested that he might send me $1000 as very minimal assistance for daycare. I suggested that if he didn't trust me, that he could write a check straight to daycare. And that if he didn't want to spend that much, maybe he could buy a case of diapers a month or a gallon of milk a week. Something. ANYTHING to help.

I realize that it was my idea that 1/2 of his moms estate was all that I wanted. This was primarily b/c I knew his paychecks were minimal (now nonexistent), but at this point I'm starting to worry.

My friend suggested I could revise the separation agreement prior to filing for divorce, but that seems complicated, and possibly costly.

If he responds at all, he'll come back with a comment that this is what I wanted/asked for.

In the mean time, I am purging the SHIT out of my house. Primarily to just get rid of crap, but also to make a little money (garage sale, craigslist, etc), and to make room (hopefully) for some of J's stuff in the not too distant future. I'm feeling out of control with all of the stuff we have accumulated. The toys, the clothes (kids AND mine) and just general junk.  Books that were read 10 years ago and I know I'll never read again. CD's that were last listened to OVER 10 years ago, DVDs that were watched maybe once. It's ALL going and I'm really hoping this helps clear my mind a bit.

checking in...

Wanted to give an update, since some are asking. Yes, there's been MORE drama with D, of COURSE there has, but honestly, I don't want to even think about him right now. Truth be told, aside from the Facebook stalking that I do to make sure he is still alive, I really put very little mental energy into him anymore. It doesn't feel good/bad/right/wrong, it just IS, and I have to go out of my way to think about him most times. He's not forefront in my brain like he used to be.

J continues to be nothing short of fabulous. There was something that came up last week, that is PURELY left over from D. J worked like a DOG last week, 10 and 12 hour days, each day, doing really physically demanding work. On Thursday, he sent a text at 4:30 that he was going to have a beer. My response was "Great! Enjoy!" And then I didn't hear from him for 3 hours. At the 2 hour mark I started getting antsy and anxious, looking out the window every 5 minutes. At the 2.5 hour mark I started getting pissed and the imagination started running wild. I would have thoughts of the where the hell is he? Did one beer turn into 6, or worse yet, shots?  God, the FEELING of that old anxiety was horrible, So horrible. Those thoughts were then met with thoughts of "you've got to be kidding. This is not D, this is J, who never even has a random beer while watching TV at night. This is the first time in 3 months that he's even had anything to drink without you present." And more importantly "Who are you to get upset about this. You're a girlfriend. Nothing more."

He sent a text during all this rumination asking if I needed anything, which he always does before heading over. I thought about sending back a snide response but thank GOD I didn't.  He walked in, gave me a hug, told me he'd had 3 beers in 3 hours, and that he was exhausted. And that was really that. After the kids went to bed, we talked like we always do and he told me about his day, and the situation that led to the beer (it was actually completely unplanned). I HATE that D still wiggles his way into my life in such ways but am so thankful that I was cognizant, and in the right frame of mind, that I was aware of all of this and didn't create a horrible argument about absolutely nothing.

And about his hard work week last week...he didn't complain about it one time. Not once. I'm so used to D bitching about every little thing related to whatever job he might have been doing. J woke up each morning, got dressed, headed out the door, worked hard, came back to my house and played with my kids, paid attention to me, and aside from simply telling me about his day, never once complained. I assume most men are like this, right? This is the way it's supposed to be. You have a job, you do it. That's it. This is new to me.

He met another of my BFF's last weekend. She LOVED him; thinks we're a great fit. Said "it's SOOO obvious that he is SOOOO SOOOO crazy about you." This is my go-to friend when I need to be told just the way it is. I asked her for some advice about broaching the subject of moving in. (Yes, I'm almost there.) My biggest fear since getting back into dating is rejection. I fear it with all my heart. I was rejected for so many years, whether blatantly or not, that I cannot bare the thought of it. Her response to me was "he's not going to say no. He'd trap you in that house and keep you forever if he could." Meant in a very sweet, not psycho killer way, of course;)

I have a good friend from high school that married her high school boyfriend and went on to have 4 kids. She's forever posting things on FB about their great marriage/family and you can TELL it's not an act. They are TRULY happily ever after, and I feel like I/we may be headed in that direction.

And I NEVER expected to be here. I went over 5 years without sleeping in bed with D, to one night a week I have to sleep by myself b/c J is home with O, and it is horrible. I sleep horribly. I've had chronic middle of the night insomnia for several years. Since meeting J, it's gone. I don't even have the luxury of waking in the middle of the night and looking over to see him sleeping, b/c I am SO comfortable and happy that I sleep all night, peacefully.

And we can just "be" together, and it's fine. With D for the last many years, we did not talk, and when we did, it was forced, and short. And it was tense (for me, at least), b/c I thought "this is my husband. At the very least we should be TALKING to each other." With J, quiet is ok, it's peaceful, it's comfortable.

When we're out, he touches me, whether it's holding my hand, or touching my hair. Last night, we were out to dinner, sitting on a patio bar. After we finished eating, he grabbed my chair and pulled it to his so we were as close as we could possibly be. I can STILL specifically remember a time when D and I were sitting at a bar and I went to put my hand on his leg, and he pushed it away. And, that was VERY early in our marriage.

Often, I catch J just staring at me. I ask "what?" and his response is "I'm just looking at you. Get used to it."

So, getting back to the whole moving in thing...I'm not talking next week, or next month, but I really don't want to wait too long. Maybe fall? Even still, this is something we have to talk about, to THINK about, aside from the obvious logistics of moving. We have kids to consider, and ex's (at least his) to consider and all the stuff that goes along with moving in together. It will take time to get it sorted out. BUT, I CANNOT bite the bullet and bring it up. My friend is right, he WON'T say no, but still. I assume he's waiting for me to do so, since it's my house. A little funny...he's had two drawers for awhile now, and last weekend, I cleared a third for him, since he's starting to accumulate quite the pile of clothes. I even hung some of his shirts in the closet. This morning, as I was getting ready I opened the close and looked down, and he had put two pairs of his shoes neatly in the closet. I don't know why. it just made me smile. I smile when I see his clothes in my washing machine. God, I'm such a sap, lol.

This is just a whole bunch of rambling, lol:) But it's good rambling, and NOT venting!!!
A few pics. J and the twins:)  I adore this.

 J helping S pick some of our veggies this weekend. He was more into it than she was. I love him:)

the latest drama

I really intended to post about this last week, but was so fired up I was afraid I'd say something I would regret. Not that it matters, but I don't want to stoop as low as I feel like stooping;)

On Tues night, D told me he was taking a trip. He's planning on going to Tampa. He dropped this bomb on me as he was leaving Tues night. I was livid. He was trying to downplay it for me, saying he was going to Tampa, as opposed to Sarasota (which was our "usual" beach spot). I made several snide comments about how it must be nice, and how I have to be "on" 24/7. He responded to saying "Orlanda. New Orleans." I said that Orlando (Disney World for God's sake) had been S's b-day present. New Orleans was over a year ago. We just went round and round, but honestly I was at a loss for words. He had the nerve to tell me it was a FUCKING Father's Day present to himself. WHAT THE HELL?! REALLY?

I've been feeling like something was "off" with him for several days. I wasn't sure he'd been drinking (supposedly had not since he'd fallen down ~3 weeks ago), but I couldn't put my finger on it. I thought maybe he'd stopped his meds. We had a plan for him to come over on Thur, Fri and Sat.

On Wed morning, I woke up to a picture of him on FB, when he was 18, the night he flew to the Persian Gulf. The kicker is his comment on the pic referred to the girl in the pic with him as his "former wife." Now, I will say that I knew he'd been married before. BUT, I will also say that he never told me. His brother did. The first time he made his little escape to Sarasota when we were just dating. BIL came in town, sat me down, and aired ALL the dirty laundry.

**Don't ask me why I never confronted him with this lack of honesty. I have no idea. NONE. I'll call it stupidity.**

He even lied the day we went to get our marriage license. When they asked if he'd been married before, he said NO. When my mom (who doesn't have a filter) asked if he'd been married before, he said NO. He mentioned a live-in girlfriend throughout the years. I put 2 and 2 and 2 together and know this was the wife.

Anyway, fast forward to Thurs night. I never let him know that I knew about her. So, I said something like "interesting to learn of your former wife on FB." He said "yeah, and...you knew about her." "No, you never told me about her." "Yes, I did, when we got our marriage license." "No, I'm quite sure I would have remember that." "well, whatever." "Um, don't you think it would have been nice to inform your SECOND wife about your FIRST?" Then, he got pissy.

I asked the last time he had a drink and he said late the night before. I asked if a breathalyzer would be negative and he said no, which means he lied about last drink, OR drank so much the night before that it was still in his system.

THEN, he started getting really hostile and paranoid. I had asked him a few days before to give me his new bank account numbers and approximate balances. The attorney converted our case to divorce needs the info. He suddenly starts talking about that, telling me how he has hired an attorney and I'm not getting one more penny of his money. I reminded him that the money I *did* get was for our kids, blah, blah. I finally told him he had to leave. Poor S was in the bathroom when he left, he didn't even wait for her, and she started sobbing when she realized he was gone. Not b/c he left, but because she didn't get to pet our dog.

I was just livid. Again. I sent J a text telling him that D was really hostile and I had asked him to leave. He called right away to say that he was done being nice. Let me preface this by saying J is not a macho guy. He doesn't have the need/desire to be the manly man, the fighter, whatever. He would likely always take the passive way out, when possible. He said "I'm doing giving him his space." J had been at my house when I texted to say that D was on his way. "I left so he would feel comfortable. But, if he's being hostile, I'm done being nice. I love you and those kids and will do what I have to do to keep you safe." I should say that I have not feared for my safety around D in a long, LONG time. For me, it was always more emotional. I think J has a slightly different take on it.  He has literally planned what he would do if for some reason D ever barged into the house, drunk.

Fri and Sat passed with no word from D. While I was slightly on edge, wondering if he would pop up at some point, things are so much simpler when he's out of the picture.

He's doing some hard-core attention seeking on FB. He made a post either Fri or Sat night that was simply a ":(". Within the post, he said "I need some loving, and I'm not talking about sex." The same night as he posted the pic with his first wife, he commented on some girls picture "you need some DM loving. Want to come to Tampa with me?" I confronted him about that one, also. I told him if he was going to come on to girls, he might want to do it privately, and not on a public picture for everyone to see. I'm not even FB friends with this girl and *I* saw it, so God only knows who else did. It's almost embarrassing for me.

I just wish he'd go away. It would be SO much easier. Thank God, thank GOD for J. I totally hit the jackpot with him.

the ex

First, let me start by saying that D e-mailed me two days after his outburst to apologize, stating that he was having trouble dealing with the fact that I have a boyfriend. He understands it's not his business and there's nothing he can do about it, so he'll do his best to keep his mouth shut. An apology from him is almost unheard of, and in talking about it by phone, I could tell he was sincere. I told him that he needs to consider meeting J, and that he's not going anywhere. He told me he'd think about it

There was a tentative plan for them to meet last Monday. I admit, I pushed a bit, and then freaked the F out about the meeting. Ultimately, it didn't happen, but at least D was open to it. Soon, I guess. I just want it over with so we can tackle that hurdle. 

So....I've been meaning to write about J's ex-wife.  Turns out, I know her.  He told me about her the first night we talked. She has a somewhat unique name for her age, so when he said it, my ears perked up b/c I know someone with the same name. He went on to tell me where she worked, and then I put 2 and 2 together. She works for one of the 15 agencies in the research project that I manage. Basically, she received weekly e-mails from me for 3 years, and saw me in person 2-3 times a year when I would meet with her and her team. Hello, small world. 

He has started a slow introduction of me. The two of them were at O's teachers meeting a few weeks ago and J mentioned that he's recently started to see O get to play with other kids on play dates. As they were leaving, she asked about the playdates. He mentioned that a friend of his that she knows, and her daughter have had playdates, and that another friend (Stacey) and her 3 kids have also joined.

I asked several weeks ago if he needed to tell her my last name. When she hears that, she'll know who I am, there is no doubt. He, in typical J fashion, said he didn't feel it was right to NOT tell her the last name of the female that would be spending a lot of time with her son. 

Fast forward to this past weekend:

He and O went to a kid bday party with me and the kids this weekend. He of course told her where he went, and went on to name the girl friend he mentioned above, along with me, first and last name, as people that he knew that were there. He walked into my house after dropping O off with her, and said "She TOTALLY knows who you are." After he said my name, she repeated it, and then said, she has 4 year old twins. She works at WU." She went on to state a few other completely random facts about me. He corrected her on the ages of the twins, and told her that I did have a 4 year old, but that the twins were younger. He didn't say we were together, but simply that we'd all met up at this birthday party.

Ahhh, it's odd to "know" each other, lol. I'm not sure why he's not being more direct with her in regards to me. It's his business, and it doesn't bother me either way, so I haven't asked him about it. It does seem that he doesn't want her to know that we met online, which is the reason for the story line of meeting me through his other friend.

Anyhoo...the b-day party was fun. We all went in the same car for the first time, which was odd and fun all at the same time. J and I looked back once and O had given S his baseball cap to wear. He's just so stinking PATIENT, it's amazing. There was a bounce house at the party and he was totally on the ball helping to keep our 4 kids wrangled and safe. On the way home, they were all just wired and I joked that I wondered how people actually took road trips with that many kids. It was TOTALLY hypothetical, but he said "oh, we could do it!"

I'm not sure where it comes from, but I need fairly frequent reassurance that all is fine in this relationship. I was off work on Friday, and had absolutely NO reason to think anything was wrong, odd, etc, but I was feeling a bit apprehensive. I get a text from him out of nowhere saying "never thought about it happening and it's kind of strange to tell somebody bit I think I love your kids too." I started crying (duh).  He went on to say "I've found myself wanting to tell them I love you when giving them hugs or leaving...it's just coming naturally."  I was speechless. He is amazing.

Then, last night I asked if everything was "good." I knew it was, I just needed to hear it. We had been together (with kids) from 2 on Sat, and then all day/night on Sun. I worry that he'll think our "real life" is boring, or that he feels obligated to hang out.  I usually think questions like that, and never ask them and then I ruminate about them so I'm trying really hard to be more vocal. So he said something like, "what do you mean, good? things are great. Where is this coming from? I love you. I love being with you, regardless of what we're doing...You make me want to be more." That last line totally got me, lol. He went on to say that he loves doing things for me, speaking of helping me clean (can you imagine!), or take care of things I need, like cutting grass. Of course, I confirmed what he meant by that and he assured me that it was simply to do something for me, not some random good deed because he felt sorry for me. So, I went to bed as a happy girl:)

Balls

I feel like I've used this title before. I'm using it again, in regards to, you guessed it. D has lost his ever-loving mind.
It had been almost another 3 weeks that went by before he contacting me to see the kids. He left a message that he was "ready to face the music." When I called back, he told me he was ready to be bitched out. I calmly told him that I have no bitching to do, and that I've wasted too much breath on him already. I confirmed his sobriety (7 days), and agreed that he could come over. He walked in to open arms of all 3 babies. I was honestly happy for him that they did that. I was a bit afraid, honestly, that they would be more standoffish. His presence, after all, is getting to be less and less.

The visit went well. He was in a good place, engaged with them, behaving appropriately. I honestly didn't even look at him or talk to him for well over an hour. He finally told me that he'd been sober for 7 days, as he'd had a wake-up call. Apparently he fell, face first, on the sidewalk in front of his condo. He said he barely got up on his own, but did. He was dizzy for 2 days, having to hold on to the wall if he needed to get up for anything.

When he left, Sophie asked if he cold come over the next day, which he deferred to me. I said "probably" knowing that I would let him. Fast forward to the next morning when his brother texted me telling me that he hadn't gotten any work from him in 6 weeks. I called D and asked him about it, remembering that he had told me he was thinking about quitting. Mind you, this is an 8 hour a week job, that he can do from HOME naked, if he wants. He told me he quit. I asked if his brother knew. He said he didn't know. I asked if he had TOLD his brother he quit. No. Then HOW IN THE HELL WOULD HE KNOW?!?! The logic....it's just not there. I pushed him on the job thing for a minute or two, questioning where his money was going to come from. He started shutting down, so I asked if he wanted to come over that night and he said yes. I told him that it was ok with me, but that he should know that J might be there. He said "well then never mind."

Suddenly, I got this very malicious, baiting, question. "So, did you have fun at the game, on your birthday?" referencing that I went to the baseball game with J for my b-day. I said yes, and that it was fun.

Then he said "did you get some?" UM, HELLLOOOO? I actually asked "get some what?" hoping against hope that I had heard him incorrectly. Nope. Get some sex. That's none of your business. Did you? It was your birthday, I assume you did. How is that your business?

Well, you better not get pregnant. HOLD THE PHONE, WHAT?! And how is THAT your business? It's my business. Are you planning that? It's totally my business if you get pregnant, because it will negatively affect my children. Ummmmm.....really....b/c you haven't negatively affected your children?

He hung up after that. WHO does he think he is. I was livid, completely floored, mouth hanging open.

He's completely deluded. I called J and told him about it and he stated the obvious, I just hadn't realized it. He said that D finally realized that he had lost me, and is just pushing back. I don't understand how he could NOT know he had "lost" me by now, but I think J was right. He had planned on being at my house last night, and volunteered to leave so D could be there to see his kids. Under different circumstances, I might have done that, but not after the crap that he pulled.

This is NOT going to be pretty.

Earlier that morning, I'd ask J his thoughts on meeting D, knowing that it will have to happen. Of course his immediate response was "Whenever. Whatever you need me to do." We had already discussed that D is going to have to minimally accept that J is in my life (and not going anywhere). He's at my house ALOT, and if D wants to see his kids, they will run into each other. I'm not going to rearrange MY schedule or what I want to do to cater to D. I've done it for too many years, and I'm done. He's going to have to deal with being uncomfortable.  J has offered to support me in whatever I choose to do. He's happy to meet D; he's happy to leave when he comes over. But again, the two of us are on the same page that this is something D will have to get used to.

Of course, I didn't hear from D the rest of the day, and so far today not at all either. I can only imagine that he's drinking again, but maybe not. I hope his fall was the eye-opener he needed.