fabulous weekend

OMG, it just gets better and better:)

So, he said the L word last Monday.  I wanted to say it, it just wouldn't come out. Then, on Tues I was nearly busting at the seams to say it but he ended up not coming over. And then Wed I just couldn't get it out either. Finally, on Thursday morning at like 6 am, I said it to him. It was ridiculously sweet. He was SO happy...actually happy is an understatement. I don't have a word for what either of us were.
I feel like I'm 13 with my first boyfriend...but this is SO much better lol:) We met him and O at the Zoo on Saturday morning. Then, he came over Sat night and spent the night and then spent all day Sunday repainting my family room (long story). On his day off, he did that for me. It was his idea, I never asked.  He woke up and made us all breakfast, down to my coffee in my favorite mug, fixed just the way I like it.

At the Zoo, C got some sunscreen in his eyes and started screaming. J was SO patient. OMG. I was just a puddle of goo watching him take care of him. D would have never been that patient. I hate to compare them. There is simply NO comparison.

So, onto the next major topic of conversation. Due to my infertility and the fact that it took me 4 years of mostly medical intervention to finally get pregnant, I am not on any form of birth control. There just hasn't been a reason to be. Since January, I have started tracking my cycle, but again, not putting too much stock in it, just more to be aware. Well, let's just say that after the fact, I realized there was a very well timed "situation." At first I was like "oh yeah right, like THAT'S going to happen." But then, the closer I got to my period starting, I starting thinking more about it. Not worrying at all, just being more aware of an impending period (or not). Luckily (?), it showed up as planned, right on time. Yesterday morning, we were talking and I brought up the fact of exactly how well timed the sex was, and how I hadn't wanted to mention anything until after my period actually showed, for fear of freaking him out. I should have known it wouldn't freak him out.  It led us back to a VERY early texting convo in which he had brought up the question of whether or not I wanted more kids. He actually let me know his response before asking for mine. His thought was something like this, and yes, trust me, I realize it seems REALLY early into a relationship (esp at the time this convo actually happened) but it doesn't seem odd or awkward or forced or anything. Just natural. He said "as much as I'd love to have a child with you, I understand what you've been through and would never want to make you go through any of that again." At the time, I just sort of put it in the back of my mind, for future reference. Well, future reference was yesterday. There I was saying "I'm not on any form of birth control, and would prefer not to be, and don't mind if we don't use anything, blah, blah." He reminded me of the texting convo and said his feelings hadn't changed and if something were to happen, that it would happen and he would be more than fine with it. OMG. OMG. SO then, fast forward later in the day, I mentioned how I want to have a garage sale or sell some stuff on Craigs list, but that I have so much baby stuff that I can't bear to get rid of yet. Mentally, I'm just not there. I'm not ready to give it up. He basically said that in light of the convo earlier that morning perhaps I should hold on to the baby stuff for a bit longer. OMG. OMG is actually an understatement. How in the HELL did I get HERE.

Last night, he told me he adored me. ADORED. I don't think any guy has ever said that to me. We all went out to dinner last night. It's like I have this new, amazing little family, and I realize it's only been 7 weeks, but I can't see anything changing. There are no red flags for me. He's amazing as a person. He's amazing to me. He's amazing to my kids.

The L word

I love you. He said it last night. OMG. Then, he proceeded to tell me all the WAYS that he loved me. I was a big puddle of mush, and he was teary. I didn't say it back. I wanted to. I REALLY did. But it wouldn't come out, and I didn't want to force it. He didn't seem to mind at all...I know he's being patient and I appreciate it SO much. That said, today suddenly, I'm bursting at the seams to say it, but not sure if I'll see him tonight.

And WTH. I'm still trying to process that it's ONLY been 6 weeks. SIX. But, it for some reason doesn't seem rushed at all. It seems like it's the way it should be. And I'm just going with it.

Another "first" last night...he came over about 6, and we ordered pizza. We sat out on the patio and played with my kids and then when the pizza arrived, we actually sat at the freaking dining room table and ate, again, like a family. While I was busy getting the kids what they needed, he was putting food on MY plate. He definitely is a care-giver. He likes to take care of me, and not in a weird-o sort of way. When we had dinner on Saturday he knew what I wanted and ordered for me. It took me off guard, not that I minded at ALL, but seriously, who is this AMAZING guy that just wants to make my life a little easier. I forgot to mention that we totally closed the restaurant that night. They were literally mopping around us. He told me last night that that was the best dinner date he's ever had. YAY ME:)

I told Sophie this morning that he might spend the night sometimes, framing it that he might be too tired to go home and will stay and then get up and leave for work from our house. She didn't bat an eye. I told her that he might be able to help me get breakfast ready or get babies in the car, etc. She said "yeah, that's what I was thinking too." I also told her that I really liked him a lot and that I might give him a hug or a kiss. She got a funny look on her face, lol. I asked if she ever saw me kiss daddy and she said no. I told her that when people care about each other it's ok to do that, and I reminded her how often I hug and kiss her and C and A.

When we were having dinner last night, C started in with a silly game that we started along time ago, looking at me and saying "mommy, mommy, mommy." I then point to him and say "Connor, Connor, Connor." Next up is "daddy, daddy, daddy." After he said that, I reminded him that daddy wasn't here. So, he pointed to Justin and said "Justin, Justin, Justin" and started giggling:)

Some pics from Saturday. Oli is in the red hat:)

 I adore these next two...and J took them. It's SO something I would have wanted to take, but wouldn't have, b/c I wouldn't want him to think I was being weird.

Avery fell and he ran to comfort her. :)

 He PLAYS with them...doesn't just watch:)

Meeting Oliver and other big things...

Well, another milestone out of the way...the kids and I met Oli (J's son) this Saturday. He's 3 weeks younger than Sophie. I had mentioned last week that I was thinking of taking my kids to Purina Farms to see the Easter Bunny, and they have a petting zoo and other fun stuff as well. J never really responded affirmatively that he was interested in joining so I dropped it. He then sent a text on Fri asking if that was still our plan and that he and O wanted to join.

Oli and S took to each other right away. He's an only child, and sort of take charge (not bossy), and it fit really well with S's timid, unsure personality. I took my digital camera and J got some awesome pictures. Will upload those soon and post here.

There was such a feeling of family, if that makes any sense. It wasn't me taking care of my 3, and J taking care of Oli. It was both of us, taking care of them all. It's what I envisioned a "family" should be. It was just really freaking awesome.

Yesterday, the kids and I went to my parents for Easter. I dropped the bomb. I had too...I was ready, and I knew I needed to just put it out there. So I told my mom. She had all of her usual questions, but interestingly (for my mom) her first question was "does he make you happy." Of course, I answered yes. It was all good after that. It took her 20 minutes of questioning before she asked what he did for a living (also very out of character for my mom). I told her he was a carpenter. She didn't bat an eye. I asked her "you don't have a problem with that?" She said "why would I have a problem with that. I'm sure he's a hard worker." Who is this mother of mine, lol?!

Speaking of his job, he brought it up on Sat night. We were out to dinner and he said something about his paychecks (apparently he usually has several each week). He mentioned how much he made hourly (not in the same oddball way that Shane had done so). First of all, it was ALOT more than I expected. He mentioned that he had made more prior to the recession, but then had gotten laid off, and when he was offered a new job he actually asked for less than what he had been making, just because he really enjoyed what he does and that it's not about the money for him. I LOVED hearing that. And, I also felt horrible, after thinking originally that he had little ambition/motivation. He's doing what he loves. What more can a person ask.

THEN, after dinner we were sitting in the car trying to figure out what to do. We somehow got into a serious conversation and it turned to D. He said "I feel for him." He went on to say that yes kids are a lot of work and it can be crazy and chaotic but they are gifts and we are lucky to get to experience them, and one day he hopes D realizes this before it's too late for him and his kids. I might have died a little inside. Not only does J NOT feel threatened by an ex, but to feel what he does for him is beyond me.

Ohhhh...and the big news (not like all of this isn't big, lol), is that J openly spent the night last night. Easing into it for me, b/c S stayed at my parents, but it was incredibly nice to 1) not have to sneak him out of the house this morning and 2) (and the big one for me) when the twins woke up, they hopped into bed with us and the 4 of us just played, and were goofy together. Again, this is the vision I've always had in my head of how my "family" would be...

no title

LOL, I have no title for this. Just happy. Last night, a night with no plans, suddenly morphed into J meeting us for dinner at one of our favorite places. We went from having chicken nuggets and mac n cheese to meeting J for dinner. It was his first time being out in the world with us.  He was already in the parking lot when we got there. I got C and S out of the car, and by the time I did, he was already working on A's seat belt. He picked her up to carry her across the parking lot. I saw Sophie grab his hand to hold. I almost lost it right there. Neither one of us had asked her to do it. She just did, and he let her. Tears in my eyes right now.

The experience with him there was so different. There was no chaos, no meltdowns. Sure, typical kid stuff, but nothing crazy.   He came back to our house after dinner. Avery, on her own, gave him a hug and kiss before bed. OMG.

He's SO sucking me in, lol.

I had lunch with one of my very good friends today, and we had a SERIOUS talk. More like her talking to me, and me listening. This friend is realistic and analytical and practical. She is the friend I turn to when I need a "this is what is going on/you need a reality check" conversation. She's always been one of D's biggest supporters, agreeing with me that he is a good person with very horrible problems. I had already told her about the "L word" convo that J and I had.

She just laid it out there for me. She told me I needed to forget the timeline that I have in my head. That this is what happens when there are kids involved and two people know exactly what they want. Random I know, but she predicted J would still be around at Christmas.  She told me I need to tell my parents. She told me I need to stop the sneaking around b/c it's doing nothing but stressing me out, and it's not HELPING anything. She told me that S (and the twins, for that matter) need to see an example of a positive relationship. And it's ok if ultimately this doesn't work out, b/c if it gets to that point, we'll behave like adults and be civil, and that will also teach a lesson.

I guess I have two ultimate fears: 1) that my kids will see a parade of men into my house (and their lives). Rationally, this is a completely idiotic fear, simply b/c it's not me. 2) That S will "tell on me" to my parents, "J spent the night last night." How pathetic is is that I am almost 40 years old and afraid of my parents opinion.  Attached to that fear is the one that my parents will most likely not approve, at least at first. He does not match up with their vision of who I should be with. And, I think this is where my "he's not my type" comments keep coming from. In my parents eyes, he's not my type.

And talk about irrational, I was sitting here working this morning and got this thought in my head "omg, he doesn't like me anymore." CLEARLY NOT THE CASE, and I knew it was an asinine thought. So I sent him a text saying "don't even ask, but I had a minor freak-out that you didn't like me anymore!" The fact that I can just admit that to him says something about how comfortable I am with him. He responded with 3 texts:
Stacey...
I'm pretty sure I'm 100%...
in love with you.


Woah...speechless (and I told him that too, lol).

D update: as of this Sunday, it will have been 3 weeks since he's seen his kids. Bastard.

Oh dear...

I've debated posting about this, but I'm not sure why. But, I've put my private life out there in ridiculous fashion before...not sure why this should be any different. Right? Wrong? I don't know. I'm putting off typing what I want to type, lol.

So, a key piece of information that I have left out until now...for the past 3 weeks or so, I've been sneaking Justin into my house after kids are asleep, and sneaking him out before they wake up. It has been WONDERFUL. It's been over 5 years since I've actually slept with a man in my bed. The bed I have now was purchased when we moved into the house almost 3 years ago. Justin has slept in it more than D ever has. And D and I never even had sex in it...how pathetic is that. Can't say the same for me and Justin:)

I really struggled with the whole sex thing. Didn't want to be slutty, but as my friends all said, "you are an adult. you are almost 40 for God's sake. DO WHAT YOU WANT." So I did, and I am, and I will continue too...:)

THAT is not the part that I'm dragging my feet to actually type. This is...this morning, at about 6 am lol, he told me that he thinks he's falling in love with me. And he had tears in his eyes. Good God, how did I end up here, and so quickly. If truth be told, I almost said something similar to him last week, but kept my mouth shut, for fear of what, I don't know. That it's only been 5 weeks? Maybe? The 5 weeks have been jam PACKED with feelings and talking and hanging out and getting to know each other and it's been awesome. I didn't want to say something until I know exactly WHY I am thinking about the L word. Is it because it's good sex? Is it because I turn into a puddle of goo when I see him playing with my kids? Is it because of the possibility of things to come? Is it simply because he is giving me so much positive attention (I don't really think so...I think I've kept a very level head about that).

My response to him this morning was that I don't NOT feel that way, but that I'm still trying to work through things in my head to make sure what I feel is real and true, and for the right reasons. I do know that I want to be with him as much as possible, and I don't care what we do. I want to fall asleep with him and wake up with him. AGAIN, HOW IN THE HELL AM I HERE?!?!?!  I do not ever recall feeling this about anyone before. The chemistry and the emotions that we have together blows anything that I EVER had with D out of the water. there is simply no comparison.

Last night, OMG I just wanted to DIE of...something, love, I don't know. He came over as I was getting the babies ready for bed. He helped me get their pajamas on, and fix their beds. I looked up from putting a clean sheet on S's bed and he was holding all 3 at the same time. A twin on each arm and Sophie hanging around his neck. All 4 were giggling like idiots:) I'm getting teary just thinking about it. D has NEVER done that.  This weekend, J came over to meet one of my bff's. Again, he helped me get the babies ready for bed. I walked down the hallway to find him sitting in the bathroom floor, with C on the potty chair. I might have died a little at the sight.

I'll spare the details, but he needed to wash a load of clothes at my house last night. I went downstairs this morning to get them out of the dryer for him. The sight of his clothes in my dryer just made me giddy. WTF?!

All of this good stuff, this really really GREAT stuff and I am scared to freaking death,probably BECAUSE it is so good. I told him today via text how it doesn't make sense to me that he could want me, or want to spend time with my children, when their own father doesn't want to. I just can't wrap my head around it. His response was this "I have a young kid! I want to feel a love for somebody that is unfathomable...and I want kids in my life and I want to share experiences in my life with that person and be part of experiences in that person's life and the children in that life..."  Ugh, so do you SEE why the L word is popping up?!?!

Stay tuned...

happy (and tired)

That's me on this gorgeous Friday.
I still have not heard from D. His birthday is Sunday and I feel like there are several of us on high alert, waiting for something to happen. His exBFF (S) called me out of the blue on Tues. Long story short, D's brother had called S's wife (weird connection) and they started talking about D. M told her that D wasn't doing well. L told S, and S called me. This was news to me that D and M are talking...so I sent M a text asking if he had been in contact. He said no, but that his convo with L had naturally turned to D. Back to S calling me...he asked if I thought he should reach out to D (backstory: D was an ass to S and L fall of 2012 and hasn't talked to either on since). I told S that was totally his decision and that I understood if he wanted nothing more to do with him. I also said it might ease D's mind to know that S was thinking about him. He went on to say that he's so sorry that this is happening to me, and that he can't believe D couldn't suck it up and be the man that I married, boa, blah. He said he needs to dry out and that is an intervention a possibility. I informed him that, although no real intervention, D had tried to "dry out" several times and just couldn't do it. He hasn't seen him in so long, he just doesn't have a clue. But, I love him for caring about me and my kids, and still caring about D despite having absolutely no reason to do so.

And, I'm still amazed that so many people are still so willing to check in on me and make sure all is ok, and to let me know that they care. It's nice.

Sat is usually a day for D to come over. No word yet from him, and I have my own plans for tomorrow. Tmrw morning, I'm taking the kids and meeting a friend for a fun outing. Then, tmrw night, one of my best friends is coming over, with a friend of hers and Justin is also coming over:) First time for him to meet one of my besties:) He didn't bat an eye when I suggested it.

Have I said that I like him a lot, lol?  I am scared as HELL but just trying to go with it. He's aware of this and has told me that he's comfortable without however slow I need to take this (whatever THIS is). He told me yesterday that he is smitten with me, how fun is that?! He also told me (when i texted him about some issues I was having with my kids) that although he knows I can do it on my own, that he wishes he could help me tag team them so it wasn't all on my shoulders. Who is this guy?! So much (again) for guys not wanting to help care for another guys kids). It shows just how selfish D is.

I/We also decided that 1) I'm fine for his son to play with my kids, so long as it's framed as a playdate with new friend and nothing focused on mom/dad. 2) I'm close to feeling 100% ready for him to hang out with me/us, whether playing at home or him coming along to the park/zoo/etc, so long as there is nothing more than friendship shown between us (no hand holding, kissing, etc). We figured out last night that our first "date" was just over a month ago. It seems like SO much longer, in a good way. We've covered lots of ground in a short period of time. It's big stuff, but feels right. So, GULP, going with it...

a boyfriend

Um, I think I have one. Actually, I know I have one...we established it yesterday. I have that high school giddy feeling:)

First things first...Shane is out of the picture. It didn't feel right from the very start, and I felt like I was trying to play the round peg/square hole game. So, he's out of the game.

All of my dating time has been spent with Justin. It DID feel good (and SO right) from the start, was just missing the chemistry. Once that was found, it's sort of been full steam ahead. If something good (or bad) happens, HE'S the one I want to talk to. I ran my first 5K last weekend and he was the first person I texted to let know I finished. It's SO like high school, with an adult spin on it. We went out Sat night to celebrate the 5K and it was just FUN. No worries about anything...we laughed, and I didn't have to worry about anything. I really, really like being with him. A lot.

He's generally just a very accepting, nonjudgmental person. Very different from D. We're motivating each other to eat healthy and work out. I'm not self-conscious with him. I can be myself and I feel pretty darn strongly that he will accept it, whatever it is. He's understanding of the D situation. His brother died 10 years ago, from drugs/alcohol. He gets it. He understands that my situation is not typical. He asks about D, and encourages me to talk about things related to him, if I need to.

He holds my hand. He says I'm beautiful. I catch him just looking at me.  I've been very clear that I'm scared shitless of being in a relationship, and he is nothing but understanding.

The babies have met him, as "mommy's friend." He offered to install a new ceiling fan for me...mine broke a few months ago. He's seen them twice now. The first night, the girls followed him around like  little puppy dogs. I have this picture in my head of him sitting on my bed (the ceiling fan is in my bedroom), and they are standing next to him completely mesmerized by a story he is telling. They were hanging on to every word. I cycled between wanting to break down and sob just watching them interact with him and wanting to physically jump on him from watching HIM interact with them, lol.

He's SO not my type, but I'm going with it. It feels right, for now at least. Who knows what's down the road. He asked me twice recently(on different occasions) if I was 1) dating anyone else or 2) if I was his "girl." I easily answered the first part telling him that I HAD been talking to someone else, but had stopped. I skirted the other question. He asked me again the other morning and I gave him a very passive response, but didn't realize it was only going to appease him for a short time. Yesterday, he asked me via text...are we exclusive. He gave me EVERY reason/way to back out and say no. There was absolutely no pressure. But, ultimately, my answer was yes:)

OMG I have a boyfriend!

Now let's get to the not so fun part. D has not been over since the vodka debacle. He e-mailed on Fri night asking if he could come over the next day. I ignored it until about 10 on Sat morning. I asked what time he was thinking and he said 11:30. I told him it was fine, if he was sober. If not, don't bother. Surprise, surprise, he didn't show. We're going on a week and a half without him seeing his kids.