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LOL, I have no title for this. Just happy. Last night, a night with no plans, suddenly morphed into J meeting us for dinner at one of our favorite places. We went from having chicken nuggets and mac n cheese to meeting J for dinner. It was his first time being out in the world with us.  He was already in the parking lot when we got there. I got C and S out of the car, and by the time I did, he was already working on A's seat belt. He picked her up to carry her across the parking lot. I saw Sophie grab his hand to hold. I almost lost it right there. Neither one of us had asked her to do it. She just did, and he let her. Tears in my eyes right now.

The experience with him there was so different. There was no chaos, no meltdowns. Sure, typical kid stuff, but nothing crazy.   He came back to our house after dinner. Avery, on her own, gave him a hug and kiss before bed. OMG.

He's SO sucking me in, lol.

I had lunch with one of my very good friends today, and we had a SERIOUS talk. More like her talking to me, and me listening. This friend is realistic and analytical and practical. She is the friend I turn to when I need a "this is what is going on/you need a reality check" conversation. She's always been one of D's biggest supporters, agreeing with me that he is a good person with very horrible problems. I had already told her about the "L word" convo that J and I had.

She just laid it out there for me. She told me I needed to forget the timeline that I have in my head. That this is what happens when there are kids involved and two people know exactly what they want. Random I know, but she predicted J would still be around at Christmas.  She told me I need to tell my parents. She told me I need to stop the sneaking around b/c it's doing nothing but stressing me out, and it's not HELPING anything. She told me that S (and the twins, for that matter) need to see an example of a positive relationship. And it's ok if ultimately this doesn't work out, b/c if it gets to that point, we'll behave like adults and be civil, and that will also teach a lesson.

I guess I have two ultimate fears: 1) that my kids will see a parade of men into my house (and their lives). Rationally, this is a completely idiotic fear, simply b/c it's not me. 2) That S will "tell on me" to my parents, "J spent the night last night." How pathetic is is that I am almost 40 years old and afraid of my parents opinion.  Attached to that fear is the one that my parents will most likely not approve, at least at first. He does not match up with their vision of who I should be with. And, I think this is where my "he's not my type" comments keep coming from. In my parents eyes, he's not my type.

And talk about irrational, I was sitting here working this morning and got this thought in my head "omg, he doesn't like me anymore." CLEARLY NOT THE CASE, and I knew it was an asinine thought. So I sent him a text saying "don't even ask, but I had a minor freak-out that you didn't like me anymore!" The fact that I can just admit that to him says something about how comfortable I am with him. He responded with 3 texts:
Stacey...
I'm pretty sure I'm 100%...
in love with you.


Woah...speechless (and I told him that too, lol).

D update: as of this Sunday, it will have been 3 weeks since he's seen his kids. Bastard.