After I found the receipt, I was ok for a bit. It was ok. It was clear I had made the right decision. I was protecting myself and my babies. And then I started looking at our pictures on the wall, on our bookshelves. With very few exceptions, they all conjured up memories of drinking. Even our wedding pictures. If those types of memories didn't come to mind, it was memories of his irritability at getting pictures taken. I know, alot of men are like that, but it was always so frustrating. "Picture day" made me anxious, lol, b/c I wasn't sure how long he could handle it before the irritability hit. This realization was sad. But again, validating.
And then, I started thinking about his mom. I feel like I'm letting her down. Before she died, it was the two of us against him (not neccessarily in a bad way), pushing through, rolling our eyes if he said/did something stupid, dealing with his anger together. She was not necessarily in denial of his issues, but at the same time didn't push him to do anything about it. I feel like she felt that that was my job, since I married him. In any event, I just had a really nasty ugly, doubled over cry while thinking about her last night. Thinking in my head how sorry I was for not being able to save her son. I want desperately to save him. I want him to let me save him. I want back the person I married, who I assure you was very different than the person I am currently married to. I'm just so so sad that I can't fix this. That I can't MAKE him better. As his brother told me yesterday "he loves the alcohol more."
More than me, more than his children, his itty bitty sweet precious little babies that will never know the wonderful father he has the potential to be.
But, the bottom line is he is not a wonderful father right now. He is a very sick father. I was lying in bed with S last night and it occured to me that he wasn't there, at the other end of the house. Its's funny, b/c for a bit I forgot that he was gone, and just thought he was drinking, watching TV elsewhere in the house. When I remembered he was gone, I realized that there wasn't much difference between him physically absent vs emotionally absent. I didn't miss him.
S asked me last night where daddy was sleeping. I told her I didn't exactly know, but that he had a bed and a couch and a TV. She seemed ok with that:) She said "I miss him. Do you miss daddy?" My first thought was no, I don't miss him (of course I didn't say that!), but then I realized yes, I DO miss him, but in a different way. I miss the way he used to be, the funny guy that he used to be. He could make me laugh like no other. The inside jokes we shared. The good times we had.
This post is filled with so much clarity on your part. You can't make him better. You know how similar my feelings are to yours in terms of dealing with my brother - I too want to make him better, but it is out of our hands. We can try to give our love, our support and encouragement but what it boils down to is that if they refuse to stop with the unacceptable behavior, nothing we do will/can help them. Even his brother pointed out that D loves the alcohol more. As horrible as that sounds and as difficult as that is to swallow, it's the truth. D knows that he is an alcoholic and that he's not being a good father. He said it himself. So, it's not like he's completely delusional and out of touch with reality. The simple fact is exactly what his brother said. Alcohol is number one in his life right now and I truly, deeply, wholeheartedly hope that when he hits rock bottom he will finally take the steps necessary to rebuild his life, not only for himself but for his family. Married or divorced, you will always be family. That man that you miss, that you fell in love with wasn't a figment of your imagination. You're grieving the loss of *that* man as well as putting up with the turmoil he's thrown your life into. You are totally entitled to each and every feeling and emotion you are having, but please don't feel guilty for a single moment. Don't convince yourself that you're letting his mom down by not saving her son. He can't be saved if he doesn't want to save himself. Only he can make things better at this point.
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