No title

This entire situation is just draining me.

He has an appt to look at an apartment tomorrow. last night he told me "I have an appt at 11, and it's available immediately.  I heard "I have an appt at 11 am, and I'm moving in." After a bit of questioning, I realized it *was* just an appt, not an actual plan to move. I'm not sure how that made me feel. Relief that he might actually go, coupled with relief that he might still stay.

I couldn't figure out which idea was the one I wanted to be true.

In early December, when he was totally flipping out, I brought up to our daughter that some mommys and daddy's don't live together, and that's ok. We talked about one of her friends at daycare, whose daddy doesn't live with her or her mommy. We talked about this sporatically in December. I brought it up again last night on the way home. "Z's daddy doesn't live with her, right?" "No, she just lives with her mommy." "Yes, that's ok." "But my daddy lives with me!" "Yes he does, but maybe soon he won't. If that happens, mommy will take care of you." "But I'll miss daddy if he doesn't sleep where we sleep." "I know you will but mommy will take care of you and babies." "But I don't want daddy to sleep somewhere else." Tears from her then. A wrenching knot in the bottom of my stomach, how dare you do this to her.

You are SO messed up, but when she looks at you she only sees perfection. Don't you DARE do to her what your father did to you. I will not let you hurt her. She is too special and does not deserve this.

Last night, as she and I were falling asleep she asked "where's daddy. Is he sleeping somewhere else?" "No, he's just in the family room watching tv. He will sleep in our house tonight."

Driving to work this morning, I felt myself slipping back into that codependent routine. Wanting to call him and ask "is this really what you want? Can't you just try one more time?" But really, what good would that do? In a matter of weeks, we'd be right back where we are now. I think I just finally need to rip the bandaid off and let it bleed.  If *I* am going to move forward emotionally, this relationship has to move forward (in one way or another) or I am going to be stuck.

Until recently, I haven't really felt stuck. I never had that feeling of "this is it. end of the road." I do now. And now that I'm here, I need to just keep trudging forward, even though I have no idea what is in store for me. An almost 39 year old full time working mom to 3 kids 3 and under. HOW IN THE HELL WILL I MANAGE THIS?  I can't depend on him, he's not dependable. I need to plan everything by myself, with no thoughts of him being in our lives. If he is, fantastic. I'll need the extra hands. Honestly, if he moves, I see him staying around for a few weeks, maybe months. After that, who knows. He's going to drift out of our lives, and maybe try to drift back in from time to time. I don't care for me, but the thought of him abandoning our 3 beautiful little people is enough to make me sick to my stomach.

A friend asked me this weeknd if I was sad for what I thought my future would be (and now it's turning out differently). I'm not sad for myself. I have never been able to plan that far ahead with him. His behavior is too erratic, and if he thinks about the future, it's really just in generalities. But, I am beyond devastated for the future that I had planned for my little family of 5. I'm pissed off and devastated that their dad will not be in their lives. Yes, I know this, even now.