Wed night/Thursday (the logistics)

Can I just say that a hell of a lot can happen in 2 days???

D never did call me to tell me how the apartment viewing went. I got home, a bundle of nerves, at 5:10. D was at the dining room table, on his laptop and babies were in their high chairs (normal). No sign of Sophie. I kissed babies on their foreheads, walked right past D, on my way to find S. She was...ASLEEP. At FIVE PM! I was livid.

As calmly as I could, I asked why she was still sleeping. He attempted to give a response, but his thoughts weren't logical. I said something like "you don't care how late she sleeps b/c you won't have to be up with her tonight until she falls asleep." He said "you need to shut the F up." I said "you need to get the hell out." And, he was up, grabbed his stuff and was on his way out.

I told him that I was considering calling 911 and reporting his liscence number as a drunk driver. He looked at me and said, *almost* a threat, "do you want me to STAY?" I just let him go. I agonized over that decision once he drove away. I kept thinking that he could encounter a car with a parent driving their child home from daycare, the way I do with S 3 days a week. But, I didn't call the cops. I suppose it was to protect him, but also, REALLY, I didn't need have the energy to deal with it, and it's possible outcome.

I was SO on edge. I locked all the doors and windows, closed the blinds and just waited for babies to go to bed. My adrenaline was pumping; I was jumping at every little thing. Even poor S, who was sitting at the table with me, jumped a little when there was a sound by our front door and said "ohhhh, that scared me." My poor sweet girl. In that moment, I remember thinking, I don't need this. This is ridiculous. I want my kids to feel safe in their home, but I ALSO need to feel safe in my home. I was prepared to call 911 if he tried to come home, but he didn't.

I had a ridiculously big deadline at work the next day, so I HAD to go. I didn't want to risk harm to anyone else by having them come stay with the babies, so after I dropped S at daycare, they came to work with me. I actually considered letting campus police know what was going on. I could just picture D arriving home, and not being able to get in (I have the only key). I got a thought in my head that he might drive to my work and make a scene.

Never a word from D. I finally left to go home about 11:45. As I was pulling on to our street, he happened to drive by. He was very clearly looking down the street to see if he saw my car. I got home. Took one baby inside. He pulled up as I was getting A out of the car. I did not acknowledge him, just took her inside and locked and chained the front door.

He knocked. I ignored him. He said "I need my meds." I said "you need to wait." I then proceeded to fix the babies lunch, and only after they had what they needed did I unlock the door.

He was sober. He came in and sat on the couch. I gave him a few minutes and then said "I thought you needed your meds." A conversation started. Mostly me telling him that he needed to go somewhere else, that I was scared of him, that i was done with the situation. That I had considered a restraining order. He said "that won't be necessary." I said "you were out of control last night. When you are sober, it might not be necessary but when you are drunk you are totally unpredicable." He agreed.

I told him I'd need money for childcare, about $2k for the twins alone. He said "I forgot to take my meds, went on a binge. I don't think that means i shouldn't be able to see my kids." REALLY? REALLY???!!! You make a choice, you deal with the consequence.

He was sweating. Shaking. God, it was bad. It was SO emotional. Thankfully, I had enough adrenaline pumping to keep moving forward. Not backing down. Dear LORD did I want to back down and give him one more chance. Just one more.

He got a suitcase, put some stuff in the car and was starting to leave. I said "where are you going?" He said "well, I can't be half kicked out can I?" I said "You need to wait until Sophie gets home so you can tell her something." "What am I supposed to tell her? That mommy's kicking me out? That I'm a drunk? "That I'm a failure as a father?"

It was so hard to hear him say those things. To know he was internalizing those things.

I said "don't you care walk out of here with out saying something to S. She deserves more than that." I told him that I've been talking with her about it, and she is prepared to hear that he might "not be sleeping here anymore."

He stayed. I went to lie down. I couldn't nap. I got up. We started talking again. He said he'd meet with the attorney with me on Monday. I asked about the apartment. He said it was tiny.  He talked a bit more and said "I could be homeless." Maybe I'm dense, but I don't think he meant that in a manipulative way. I think he really thinks that is what he's worth right now. Nothing. I didn't comment except to say "you had somewhere to live." He said "if only I could just stop drinking." I had no response for that. I told him he is always welcome, so long as he's sober. I think that made him feel better. Less alone. I finally was able to get out the words "I don't think you're a bad person" and then I lost it. It is SO important to me that he know that. He's a good person, with a very serious problem. And I'm sorry for that. I am. But I can't let him bring me down anymore. I just can't. And I feel like I'm failing him.

As I was leaving to go pick up Sophie, babies were up from their nap. He was holding Avery and started crying. "I guess I really am mentally ill. To give all this up." I buried my face in C's neck and cried.

he asked me again what to tell S. He wanted to tell her he was sick. True, but, she's been sick enough in her life and has always gotten better. I don't know. It just didn't feel right to me. She can't grasp this idea of sickness yet. I told him again to say that he's going to sleep somewhere else. And that he loves her. And that he'll come to see her.

I left. Got stuck in traffic. Started thinking, Oh, why not just let him stay home until he gets an apartment. Why bother with a hotel. No, what are you thinking. Absolutely not. I kept going back to his comments about stopping his meds for a few days and that's when the binge started. But that's not right. The binge has lasted almost a week. That was well before he stopped his meds (or so he says). Then I think, these are new meds, maybe they aren't working as well. Maybe we need to try something else. The back and forth in my head was just ridulous.

On the way home with S, I told her that daddy hadn't slept in our house last night (she didn't even realize). She said "oh, did he go to a meeting?" heart.breaking. "I'm not sure baby, I just know he didn't sleep at our house. And, I don't think he's going to sleep at our house tonight. OK?" "OK."

He was ready to go when I got back home. He called S over and told her he was going to stay somewhere else tonight. And that he loved her. And that he'd come back and see her tomorrow. (I had already agreed that he could come back tomorrow (today), so long as he was sober.) She said "ok" and walked away with her lollipop. Very anti-climatic:) It was leap of faith, but I felt I owed it to him. Yes, I realize that sounds ridiculous. Maybe I'll just be honest and say I'm still barely holding on to a thread of hope that he will come to his senses.

He left. I was holding A and walked into the twins room. I could see his car from the window. I watched him put his glasses on, his seatbelt on, and leave.

Shortly after he got home yesterday, I asked what he had bought at the grocery. He knew I had seen the charge on our credit card. he said "I got Sophie some cheese-its. and some gatorade for me." I said "and that cost $11." He said "and some lunch." I said "you didn't get any wine? There is none in your car?" He said "no." I told him I wanted to see the receipt and he said he didn't have it. I told him that I didn't believe him, then. After he left, I went to the trashcan, and found the receipt. There was wine on it. He lied. again. He must have brought the bag in while I had left to pick up S.

That receipt validated me. I took a picture of it. I know I will need to pull it out and look at it from time to time.