We met with the mediator this morning. I was in a rush to get there, could feel my anxiety building on the drive. I was sad and anxious, and a little calm all at the same time. How is that possible. I was just turning into the complex when D's brother called me. I debating on answering, and then thought WTH. He was calling to tell me what he found out about the final dispersement of money from my mother in laws trust, of which he is trustee. There is language in there that allows for discretion on the part of the trustee, if the intended person to get the money is not in a good state of mind. This made me feel better. The first question on the table is 1) would I have right to any of that money, once D moves out. The short answer is no. But, what BIL discovered is helpful, in that he has many options as to how it can be dispersed. For instance, he can split the last dispersement and put "my" half in separate trusts for the babies, or a college savings plan or something. For D's protection, he could choose to not disperse "his" half and just offer him an allowance. This would PISS D off, but it ultimately would be for his protection. Anyhoo, that was good food for that.
D was there already when I arrived. He looked like death. Truly, like death. He was shaking, and sweaty. Very par for the course for him, when he is in an anxiety inducing situation. But, his eyes told the whole story. Either he'd been sobbing uncontrollably for hours (quite possible), or he had a serious hangover (also quite possible). his eyes were puffy, very bloodshot. I felt for him.
The attorney was good. We both got a good vibe. We seemed to put off a vibe that he liked as well, so he thinks that we're candidates for mediation. It was really ackward at first, and I should have guessed we'd have to bare it all, but the first thing he wanted us to do was each give a brief version of why we were there. We just looked at each other, lol. He took that as us not wanting to interact. I finally said "no, it's not that at all. It's just that being honest is going to be difficult." I looked at D and he gave me the ok to continue. So, big breath "D is an alcoholic. He can't stop drinking. We have 3 small children that cannot continue to be exposed to that type of environment." And boom, it was out there...all down hill, lol. He asked a fair amount of questions about the drinking. We talked about finances, about working, about parenting. We made it clear to him that our kids are our main priority and we are both prepared to do whatever is possible to protect them.
We left it that we were going to talk about it, and if we decided to move forward we just need to call to set up our first meeting. It will be 4-6 two hours sessions, to get our "plans" nailed down, and then papers filed, and then that's it.
He did say that a contested divorce for us, in court, would not be pretty. The second either lawyer hears "alcoholic" a guardien ad litem would have to be assigned. It was just be SO complicated.
I was shocked to know that it could happen in just a few months. Sad. So so sad. I hate this so much. 10 years of marriage, 14 years together, disolved just like that.
As I mentioned in my previous posts, one of my MIL's go to phrases was "you can't un-ring a bell." Not a common phrase. She's the only one I've ever heard say that. Well, the attorney said it this morning. I just looked at him, in shock. Good, bad, indifferent. It felt like she was trying to tell me something. Keep trudging through??? Or stop now and figure out another solution??
We walked out together, like we would have been leaving any other appointment. Again, surreal. We both agreed we liked him, and could see ourselves moving forward with him. He gave us some good advice about money, so that's the next step I guess. We talked about childcare for this week. he made a comment about being "dad by day, hotel by night." He mentioned that he would leave when I get home, but that's not fair to S on the days that she goes to daycare. I told him he needed to spend some time with her, tool. He said then I may as well stay home and get out of the hotel. I said "you can't drink at home" and he said "I can't not drink." At least he's not lying this time.
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