Also, D is part of my ability to focus. His true colors are coming out again, and that makes it easier for me to keep pushing through. He's still at home. We had nasty weather here late last week so that caused a bit of delay. I was fine with it, knowing that a plan (and a lease!) had been set. Saturday morning he didn't get up until at least 10:30. Same with Sunday. That doesn't sound all that late, but considering the babies get up between 7 and 7:30, that's quite awhile without help. He would get up, and then go back to sleep. Saturday, I gave him the benefit of the doubt, but only AFTER talking with him when he woke. He said he was having a hard time getting going. I'm worried his depression meds might need to be upped to get over this next hurdle. he seems pretty ambilent about everything. He mentioned he has no family left. What I wanted to scream was "THAT'S YOUR FAULT!" but I didn't.
Sunday AM, it was pure alcohol that was keeping him on the couch, sleeping the morning away. S asked "why is daddy still sleeping." UGH. This is the reason he needs to get out. Even his passive behavior is being noticed.
I'm just done. The glassy eyes, the change in the tone of his voice, the smell, the sounds. He is always amazed at my ability to know when he's been drinking. The rest of the world could be oblivious, but 5 seconds on the phone with him and I know. His speech changes, not slurred, but more relaxed. His voice is a bit higher, softer. He calls S sweetie when he's been drinking. I had to get close to him on Saturday night, and the smell that I've been avoiding almost nauseated me. Part him, but mostly alcohol just SEEPING from his pores. It's the smell that permeates the room of wherever he is sleeping. Last night, I was in bed and heard what I hope is one of the last times I will HEAR evidence of his drinking. The ice cubes hitting the glass (because we all put ice cubes in cheap wine to make it more palletable right?, the wine pouring, the clink of the bottle when it hits the trashcan.
He woke this morning and there was still wine in his cup. I didn't bother to throw it out, as I once would have. I assume he drank it. Yes, at 7:30 in the morning, because why not? He left early to meet the cable guy at his apartment by 8. As he was leaving I told him not to forget his laptop. He looked at me like I had 5 heads and I reminded him that the cable guy would also take care of the internet. Although not drunk, he was NOT connecting the dots. In all fairness, I take care of all the bills/logistics with our house. This is new territory for him, but dude needs to learn, and think ahead.
I am loving this song right now, although the lyrics don't exactly match the situation. Part of it is for my babies (I'm gonna make this house your home), but most of it is for me (don't pay no mind to the demons, they fill you with fear). The demons that come to mind for me is actually fear of the unknown. Is this right? Am I doing the right thing? Am I putting him in harms way by leaving the relationship?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HoRkntoHkIE
Oh girl, when you write of the way it smells, it takes me right back to when I was in that situation. The pure stench of stale alcohol coming out of pores. This is why I didn't sleep in the bed with exDH the last few years of our marriage. And the sound of the clinking bottles that made me cringe. I still have a nose for alcohol in someone's skin and I hate that I do.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what can be done about the feeling that you're putting him in harms way. I still have that feeling and I'm 8 years out. I have never stopped loving or caring for my ex. I don't wish will ill toward him and I feel sorry for his children now. But your kids have YOU who is making the wisest of decisions to make their life better!
I wish I were closer!