He had an appointment at 11 (50 minutes ago) to look at, and potentially sign a lease, on an apartment.
To say I am on edge is an understatement. I am a ball of nervous energy and anxiety. I can't focus on anything for more than a minute or two. I was up most of the night.
This is for the best. I KNOW it is for the best, at a very minimum for my children. They deserve to be in a happy, emotionally stable household. He cannot provide that right now. Doubtful, if ever.
Last night, I reminded S that "daddy might live somewhere else soon." Her response? "I'll be fine." I was floored, didn't expect that response, but SO thankful that she has been HEARING me when I talk about this with her. My big, smart, intuitive girl.
Part of my anxiety right now is knowing that my parents are there, caring for our children, while he is out looking for a new place to live. Days that they come to visit (usually Wed), I am typically a ball of nerves, especially if he is binging. He has almost no filter when sober, so when he's drinking, he REALLY doesn't stop to think about what he is saying. He's not a huge fan of my parents; they tolerate him. I always feel such a sense of relief when my mom calls to tell me they just left our house.
I just want today to be over. To know that he's signed it. It almost feels like a feeling when you know someone is going to do. It's imminent, it's sad, and then it's over and you can start to move on.
I am a control freak. I do not like when things are not in my control, and this is most definately not.
S is so smart. Sooo intuitive. She will indeed be just fine. Listen to her. She knows. <3 I too am a total control freak and I think that's why situations like this are just so draining for us. With my brother and his being bipolar, I would find myself sick with worry about him - feeling helpless and out of control. I would want to fix things for him. Fix him even. We know that's not possible. What sadly finally brought me some comfort and relief was when my brother was put in prison. Isn't that just sad? But with him being "away" I felt like it was finally out of my hands, there wasn't a thing I could do, it was what it was. We care too darn much sometimes - and I'm hoping that once D is out of the house for good, you'll be able to let go of some of that control you feel you need to have. It's so hard, I know. It all boils down to the fact that they are grown men and as much as we care for them and love them, we can only do so much for so long. You have put in the time. You have given it all the effort you can. Now is the time to move forward for your babies and for YOU. YOU deserve so much better.
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