Christmas take 1

As promised, this weekend was full of cookies (baking and eating!!) and Christmas music, and general fun (I hope...I tried)!!

D did not come over on Saturday. Finally, Sat night I messaged him asking what his plan was for Sunday, since his brother and family were due in town. He responded that he'd be there by 11 and that he had asked his brother a few times about what to have for dinner and his brother never answered blah blah. I responded with 1) stopping blaming others and worry more about being a good father instead of what we'd have for dinner. 2) that his brother wasn't planning on coming until about 4:30 so no need to come early unless if he didn't want to.

He didn't show up until about 2. Once 11 am hit, I started getting anxious and ruminating about why he wasn't there. Was it b/c I pissed him off about the "good father" comment, or b/c he really didn't want to be there and b/c I had given him the out, he was putting it off, was he being passive-aggressive, etc.

He was as sober as D could be. I noticed as we got close to 4:00 he was not looking so great.  I did feel for him. He was trying, he had tried by not being drunk when he arrived. He started showing some signs of withdrawal, the shaking, the sweating, some gagging. I asked him if he was ok. He said "I could use some wine." It wasn't said in the addict way, it was said like "I could use some Tylenol" if I had a headache. I quickly weighed my options and chose to pour him a glass.  I wasn't worried about him getting drunk, I was worried more about a seizure or something like that. I handed him the glass and he could not grasp it from me. He asked me to put it on the counter. He had to hold it the way my toddlers hold a sippy cup, firmly with two hands.  My heart  broke a little bit and I had to fight the tears.  It's just not fair.  This illness is nasty, and it's eating him alive, and I am witness to it.

Brother in law and family came and things were good. Honestly, this was the MOST comfortable I've ever been with them. They live out of town and we only see them a few times a year. But here I was, in MY house, not having to feel anxious for D, not having to feel responsible for his actions, and I actually enjoyed myself.

He did as well as he could. At dinner, I noticed several times that he could not keep the food on his fork, which leads me to believe there's definitely some anxiety related stuff going on, as he had enough alcohol in his system to at least stabilize.

Prior to everyone arriving, I confronted him about why he hadn't been over in a week. He said that he couldn't leave the condo. He said his depression was worsening, and I mentioned that clearly the anxiety was also worsening, if he couldn't leave his house. I suggested he call his doc to get an increase in his meds to get through the winter (historically his worst time of year). He said he had thought about, but left it at that.

Like my heart broke for D, my heart also broke for S earlier that day when she asked if daddy would be over for Christmas (meaning last night). She was clearly troubled with the thought of not seeing him. I'm so glad he showed up, for her.

the weekend before Christmas

All of the shopping is done, most of the wrapping is done. Now, I bake and clean my house, and enjoy my kids.
There was more about the comment I made yesterday (regarding being happy and in good spirits this holiday season) than I had time to write about. D is not, and has never been, a family guy, or a holiday guy, or a guy that prefers anything that is outside of the norm. S has unfortunately inherited a bit of this last piece, but I'll do what I can to help with that. Holidays in our home, wherever that might have been, was always minimal. This was strange to me, coming from a family that OVER celebrates Christmas. Sure, I always required putting up a tree, and a few decorations, but that's really where it ended. Very minimal, and he never helped with the decorating, he just honestly had no interest. D doesn't like Christmas music, so I didn't play it. He doesn't eat sweets (so I (mostly) didn't bake.) I remember last year I did make some cookies and he asked why. Duh, dummy, it's Christmas, you BAKE at Christmas. You give as gifts, or just enjoy, but you BAKE. My mom was notorious for baking dozens of cookies each Christmas, and my dad and I gladly ate them:) S was old enough to enjoy cookies last year, so I made them.

So this weekend, I'm going to CRANK up the Christmas music, BAKE the crap out of some cookies, and enjoy my kids. And I am so excited to get to do it. S is SO excited for Christmas, although the twins don't "get" it yet. Last year I was excited for S to experience Christmas, this year I am excited to experience it, for the first time in a long time, how I was raised. I should preface this by saying that D NEVER said "we can't do this or that," but I always put his feelings/needs above my own.

And gosh, this time last year, wow. What a place I was in. It was probably almost exactly a year to the day that D agreed to go to treatment the day after Christmas. I remember feeling a sense of relief, but knew in my heart it would be short lived.

Interestingly enough, after I told my parents about him moving out, my mom mentioned to me that she and my sister noted that I did not act happy last Christmas. I was short, and clearly not happy, and sometimes even mean in things I said to D.

I'm curious what Sunday night will bring. D's brother and family are coming in town to have our Christmas dinner.  I've really stood my ground in regards to that situation. For decades, it's been their families tradition to have a very classic, elegant sit down dinner, with multiple forks and glasses, etc. After their grandmother died, D's mom picked up the tradition. After she died, it was on us. This past weekend, M asked me if D was going to cook dinner. I just looked at him, thinking this is MY house. He's out of there finally, and I've worked hard to make it known that it's not his anymore. Why in the hell would I want him back in HIS kitchen, bitching about where I've put things, how late people are, and being an all around ass. So, I laid down the law and said that D was not cooking (and I don't cook). The verdict: we're ordering out:) I hated to be the one to break their tradition, but we'll have a nice dinner regardless and I guess traditions are made to be broken. I'm still incorporating a lot of their traditions, but there will not be a coursed meal (prepared by D).

I haven't talked to D since he left on Sunday. I'm not sure if this is the beginning of the end of him being a father, or if he is just generally binging and it's a coincidence. I assume he'll show on Sunday night, but God only knows what state he will be in.

I'm so lucky

I got the most random call from D's (ex) best friend today at work. His number didn't come up on the caller ID and I almost didn't answer. I was shocked to hear S on the other end. I haven't talked to him in over a year.  After the crap D pulled with S and his wife last year, I was embarrassed, and had no real reason to reach out to either of them on my own (in the absence of D). Plus, I was just done making excuses for D, and felt that's what was needed for me to reach out.

S made small talk at first, telling me he's taking his kids to Disney this Spring. Clearly, that wasn't the only reason he'd called. He finally asked about D, and our status. I told him we were legally separated and that D had been out of the house since mid-Feb. He wasn't shocked.

I told S ALOT more than I've told anyone else (excluding this blog). They'd been best friends since 8th grade. S bailed D out of ALOT of crap. Not as much as me, but close. Like me, S would have done anything for D, but D burned that bridge last fall.

Apparently D RSVPd to something that S is also going to this Sunday morning. I know without a fact that D won't show up, but S was nervous and anxious about possibly seeing him, not knowing what to  say.

We ended the convo with him saying that I have the endless support of both he and his wife.  Although it makes me feel good, I once again have that feeling that I've "tainted" D with another one of his friends. Reality is, he's done it himself. I know this, but it's still a crappy feeling.

But really, how lucky am I to have this wonderful support system. It amazes and humbles me, and I don't feel worthy of the amount of people that are cheering for me.

Later this afternoon, my boss came in to bring a holiday gift. She asked me how my 2013 has been (slightly tongue in cheek, as she knows most of my business). i told her that overall, it's been really great, and seems to be ending on a very positive note. Little did I EVER expect to be saying that 10 months ago. At that time, it seemed completely impossible and unmanageable.

She told me that I was strong and capable of accomplishing anything.

This has been such a wonderful holiday season in my house. The kids are playing, being messy, they're happy, we're listening to Christmas music as loudly as we want, lol. It's the most comfortable I think I've ever felt in this house. It's my house, they are my kids, and I am kicking the shit out of this single mom gig. Of course, tomorrow I'm sure I'll feel like I'm sinking again;)

back from Disney!!

S and I are back from our trip, but unfortunately that's not where my mind is today.

We did have a fabulous time. And there were times when I actually cried; realizing that 5 years ago, I wasn't even sure I'd be able to experience taking my child to this place. But as we walked in the gate, me pushing her stroller, I cried. Tears of happiness. Tears of thankfulness and gratefulness that I was getting to experience this with her, with ANY child.

She didn't mention D the entire time. It wasn't until we were flying home and she colored a picture for him, that she even said "daddy." I think that speaks volumes, and makes me so sad.

He flaked out before our trip, and after the incident on Friday night, did not come over on Sat or Sun. I'm certain he was binging.

On our flight down, S and I sat directly behind the general manager for our baseball team. I knew exactly who he was, and somehow I found the courage (this is NOT normally me, lol), to ask for a pic with him. Of course, he obliged. In a drunken stupor I'm sure, D saw the pic on FB one nigh and commented that "you are fucked if you took a boyfriend on a trip with my daughter." The comment was SO laughable. At first I thought he was so drunk that he did not recognize this guy. I was more pissed than anything that he thinks so little of me as a mother that I would ever take a boyfriend on a trip with my child. And then there's the issue of WTH business is it of his, anyway? It's NOT! I called him out on his comment, which is promptly deleted. I assumed he had realized who was in the pic with me.

When I questioned him about it this weekend, I realized he really didn't know who it was. This is shocking for D, a HUGE sports fan, and major fan of all STL sports. I honestly feel like there's some sort of brain issue going on. Like, things aren't functioning as they should. He's not making appropriate connections. It scared me. He said his comment was "drunk talk" and that it should be ignored.

He surprisingly showed up for S's b-day. I was shocked. I had invited him, of course, but honestly didn't expect him to show up. But he did. And he looked like hell. I mean really, like HELL. It didn't help at all, but I feel like it's b/c he COULDN'T help. He's been zapped of all life. Later than night I was talking to his brother, who said he saw D trying to up wrap a cupcake for C, and couldn't get the wrapper off b/c he was shaking so badly.

One of my best friends was at the party. She has lots of personal experience with alcoholism as well as being an addiction counselor in the past. She's told me on prior occasions that she's never seen anyone as sick as him. On Saturday, she told me that her heart hurt for him. Mine does too, but it hurts for my children more. This addiction is robbing them of a nurturing relationship with their father.

I have SUCH a hard time making the distinction of him vs the addiction. I know there are lots of people that look at him and see a "drunk." I get it. Trust me, I do. But I've also had the experience of D. When I think about D vs alcoholic, my heart does hurt for him, it does. But I'm getting to the point that I can barely look at him. I don't like him. I don't like what he represents. And that makes me so sad. He is a person that is being ravaged by this disease. No, it's not cancer, but it's still a disease and it's KILLING him.

I feel like I'm watching him die.  But I also struggle with just wanting to hate him. Hating him would be so much easier. It's the caring that zaps me of all energy.

He came over on Sunday. I knew he was drunk. But, he wasn't causing any issues, was entertaining the kids. I let him stay. After the twins went down for their nap, I asked if he'd take a test. He didn't hesitate. That's when I realized how drunk he really was. There's a time in his drunkeness that he will refuse a test b/c he know it'll be positive. But then, he crosses the line and gets that feeling of being indestructible. That's where he was on Sunday. He blew a .14, which means that when he first showed up he was twice the legal limit (although with his tolerance was only acting like someone who'd had 3 beers).

He immediately said the test wasn't accurate. Tried all sorts of illogical justifications. He eventually left. I told him i wanted to report him as a drunk driver. "Why would you do that to me?" And then, 10 secs later, "I can be in xx in 4 minutes or xx in 2 minutes" referring to a different municipality than the one I would report to. These are the situations in which I want to hate him. When S why he was leaving, he said "because sometimes I'm not a very good daddy."

ugh. got caught in it again

Fairly certain D is on the front end of a binge, while I'm dealing with a crapload of work, sick kids, a dirty house and no time for Christmas to-dos.
He came over for S's bday yesterday, and all was well. We had previously decided that I would get gifts for her and he would give me some money, which he did. I'm still bitter though that he didn't think to get anything for the twins.

The plan was for him to come over tonight as well. I woke this morning to a feverish A, so had no choice but to stay home. C had a fever yesterday, so I also had to keep him home. It made no sense to take S to the sitter, so I was home with all 3 trying to get all my work done in preparation for being out of town next week.

I sent D a message about 8:30am asking if he could come over earlier (really WTF else does he have to do??). He saw the message at 11:30, but I never heard from him. He showed up at 5:30, his usual time, saying he had just recently saw my message. I totally called him out on the lie, telling him I know he saw it at 11:30. He just mumbled something. Then, I realized he had been drinking.

I really needed a break, like REALLY, so I let it go. I ran downstairs to do some laundry, leaving him to "help" with the babies while they were having dinner.

I came back upstairs and he started in with his sports talk, talking about the most recent deal made by some random team. I totally interrupted him and asked the status of his disability app. He told me it was denied, he found out about 2 weeks ago. I then told him he must have lied to me the last time I asked him which was less than 2 weeks ago and it was still being processed. He told me he has a bad memory.

I asked what his plan was. To get an attorney. When? Soon. When's soon? Why are you nagging me? I find it interesting how you can quote every freaking sports show, but don't seem to have any desire to do something that would possibly give you an income. That totally set him off. Then, his delusional, illogical drunk talk started. I'm only legally required to be here 4 days a month (where the FUCK he came up with that is beyond me). I said REQUIRED? You feel like you're REQUIRED to be here? You can leave now. I don't NEED you here. Oh, you needed me this morning. Yes, I asked for your help this morning, which was met with silence. Thanks for that. THIS is the reason I don't live here anymore. Should I leave? Do you want to take a test? No? Then you need to leave. He's getting ready to leave when S walks up and hugs him. He at least hugs her back and then head to the door. You have two other children? Are you going to tell them goodbye? Shut up. Are you going to tell them good-bye?
He left without a good bye to the twins and said "what a bitch" as he closed the door.

I was livid, and SO sad for Sophie. I started crying. Poor girl ran up and hugged me. She asked why daddy couldn't listen to my rules. We talked about the fact that it's ok to cry and mommy's have to cry too sometimes.

Bastard! Fucker! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I hate that I got caught up in it. I HATE it. But I did.

I am SO not going to feel guilty when S and I get on that plane on Monday. I've been feeling super guilty. Guilty that I took the money he gave me for presents. Guilty for taking S on a trip without him. Guilty b/c I don't have a Christmas present for him. And then, this shit happens. What am I thinking?!

And then, I realized last night that I needed to tell his brother I did not want him to meet us at Disney. This is MY life, I need to stop letting things happen TO me, and take control of my life. I sent a text this morning, nicely explaining that I understand his need to come with us, but that I hope he understands my need to spend time alone with Sophie. He then responds "let's talk this out." Um NOOOOO. I just told you NO. Deal with it. Neither one of us ever called each other, but it's not the end of it, I'm sure. I expect a call from him Sunday trying to change my mind. Just leave me the F alone. EVERYONE!!!!!

Disney bound!

Let me start by saying that despite the fact that D was invited to my parents house for Thanksgiving, he did not go. Also, he was invited to my house after I returned home from my parents. He did not come over. But yet, at 10:30 on Thanksgiving night, he posted a poor me post on FB, about it being the first Thanksgiving without his mom, dad, grandparents and cousins.  I can't begin to tell you how inaccurate his statement was. However, what got to me the most is that he had EVERY opportunity to spend time with his children on this holiday, the only 3 people who have yet to learn what an ass he really is, and he chose not to. But, he was still looking for sympathy. I didn't see the post until early the next day, and then when I looked again, he had deleted it.

Then, I had posted a picture of each baby on Thanksgiving. He "shared" one of S, but not the twins. HELLO, YOU HAVE THREE CHILDREN.

Another, WTF was he thinking...he was over this weekend, and helping me outside with the leaves. I was seriously shocked he offered to help. Anyway, he looked at my car, and my little stick figure family (of which he was absent). He said "did you peel me off of the car?" I said "yes, months ago" He said "well, I'm still their father" and I said "but it's not your CAR anymore." Seriously, he can't have his cake and eat it too, and he's only their father when he wants to be.

On the VERY bright side, I'm taking S to Disney next week for her 4th birthday. I've been thinking about it all summer, and finally pulled the trigger. She still doesn't know; I'll tell her on her actual birthday. I'm SO excited to think about spending time with JUST her. I love the twins with all my heart, but maybe it's because she was my first, or the oldest, or the most obviously affected by everything going on, that I just want to be with her. To give 100% of my time to her. She deserves it so much. Also, I realized that this is the ONLY time I'll ever be able to take her, without the twins knowing what they are missing, lol. We can all go back in a few years.

I mentioned it to my BIL a few weeks ago and he told me he's been looking for an excuse to go to Florida. He called today and said he wanted to meet us there on Tues. I'm torn. Of course I acted all happy and excited, but the more I'm thinking about it, just UGH. It'l only for one day, but still.

At first, he told me when I first told him I was taking her by himself his immediate thought was that I shouldn't go without a man. THAT set me on edge. While I would LOVE to have a caring, involved guy by my side (sometimes!), I do not NEED one. I will raise my daughters not to need one, and raise my son to respect a woman who doesn't need one. I got past that issue, and then he also admitted to me that for years he felt the need to "fill in" for his father, with his mom, and now he feels the same need to fill in for his brother. We talked about that, and I assured him he should feel no guilt, but clearly he does. It continues to amaze me how many people have been affected negatively by D (and his issues).

So now, I'll guess we'll spend a day with him tagging along. I appreciate his thought SO much, but I'm not thrilled with the idea.

8 minutes

It took 8 minutes to be granted our legal separation. Eight minutes to undo what took years to build. I realize that it started to come unraveled along time ago, but I'm still blown away that the entire proceeding this morning took just 8 minutes. A few things of note:

1) D was over yesterday. Before he left we talked about this morning, and what to expect. Neither of us had a clue. I mentioned that it shouldn't be much different than a divorce proceeding. D said "oh, it's not the same at all. In the eyes of the state we'll still be legally married." His lack of logic baffles me at times. He went on to say that "if you get with someone, it'll be considered cheating and it would cost you a lot of money." Implying of course, that he would divorce ME and get back some of the money that I'm "taking" from him. I took a deep breath and reminded him politely that the only reason this was NOT a divorce is because I'm too nice and don't want to see him uninsured.

He did agree with that, but in the next breath said "cheating would be infidelity and grounds for divorce." What the WHAT? Yes, this really happened! I swallowed hard, took another deep breath and then asked if he really thought he could keep me from dating. At that point, he shut down, I can only assume because he realized how asinine his comments were.

But really. This has suddenly turned into a classic case of "I don't want you. But no one else can have you either." WHATEVER.  The comical part of it all is that I can't even fathom LOOKING at a man. Ok, that's not true. I look, but that's about it. All the other stuff that comes with it...blah....no interest.

2) We get there this morning and are standing in front of the judge. She had our parenting plan and financial info in front of her. She's asking us questions, we're confirming. She asked "we're dealing with a legal separation because you feel the marriage is not irrevocably broken." Although not sure of the etiquette, and if I should be interrupting the judge, lol, I responded "the only reason this is a separation is so he can stay on my insurance." I totally threw her for a loop. She wasn't sure how to respond. She said "so you feel that your marriage is broken beyond repair." I said yes (all the while FEELING Ds eyes on me). She made a change to her paperwork and moved on. It was SO important for me to SAY that, and for D to HEAR that. This is not a flipping game. This is not a disagreement that we're going to get over.  This is a marriage, a now broken marriage.

In all, it took 8 minutes. She declared us legally separated, wished us both luck, and that was it. We were getting on the escalator to go down stairs and D said "well, I guess that's it. Life moves on." I don't know what I expected him to say, but not that. Not anything. It would have been better if he hadn't said anything. To just let it roll off so casually hurt me.

While we were sitting in the courtroom waiting for the judge, I noticed that we were sitting like people who were familiar with each other, but not touching. It occurred to me that we haven't touched in a very long time. Much  longer than the nine months he's been out of my house. It was completely loveless and I wonder now how I thought that was ok. How he STILL thinks it's ok.  I clearly remember S being shocked to see us occasionally hug.

I deserve better than that, as do my children.

he missed the class

OMG I'm livid (again). D finally called on Sunday and asked if he could come over. I wanted to be mean, I really did, but I couldn't. I asked if he was sober, I told him that he is not allowed to make promises of any kind, and then I gave him permission to come over.

The joy on my babies faces when they saw him made me want to cry. He got running hugs from all three. He does not deserve them.

He didn't look any worse than usual, except I noticed that he hadn't shaved or cut his hair in several days. This is odd and very very rare for him. He usually cuts his hair every 5-6 days, and can't go more than 2 days without shaving. There was at least a weeks worth of facial hair I would guess. The self-care seems to be going down the drain.

He didn't go to the parenting class. "I was very, very sick." When I questioned more, apparently he had shakes that he could not control.  He insisted that re-scheduling wouldn't be an issue. I knew it would.

Fast-forward to today when he e-mails to tell me he rescheduled his class for 6:15 pm on 11/25. Our court date is an 9 am on the 25th!!!!  That was the next available class. I called him, and he just sat there in silence as I told him I was sick of him not thinking about how his actions affect others. That he's screwed me AGAIN. And doesn't seem to care. He didn't even apologize!

I called the court clerk and she advised me that it's better to keep the court date and have the judge figure out what to to. I've been under the impression all along that we both have to do the class before this can be official. She said that sometimes the rules can bend. I not so secretly hope that the judge reams him up and down for not doing what he was supposed to do.

I'm just so DONE. With his excuses (I've been like this as long as you've known me), with his passive-aggressiveness, with his lack of motivation to help himself, with his inability to see how what he does (or doesn't do!) affects others. D.O.N.E.

She's living my worst nightmare

My heart is incredibly heavy today, about someone I do not know. I will start by saying that I was lying in bed last night, playing out scenarios in my head about finding D. I'm not worried that anything is imminent, but this happens to me occasionally. Interesting that it's happening now, since I'm not feeling particularly anxious. The whole scenario played out, me finding him, our dog being there, my calling 911, his body on the stretcher, etc. I guess it was essentially a flashback of the first time I found him, although that time he didn't succeed. Fast forward to my having to tell my children. There were tears running down my face as I was thinking about this.

Then, this morning I got a message from a good friend of D's from high school, who is now a good friend of mine. She knows what's going on, and has been nothing but supportive of me. She's tried reaching out to him, but he just put his wall up. She had contacted me a few years ago, right after D's mom died when my life was truly pure chaos. She told me about a friend whose husband was an alcoholic and had tried to commit suicide with pills. She was asking my advice, asking me to reach out to this woman. I was not in a place to do that, although she didn't know that at the time ( I didn't know her well at that time). I was still processing WTH I was going through. L never brought this family up again until today.

Apparently, L's friend got tired of cleaning up her husbands messes and chasing him down, so she divorced him. He became estranged from their 3 children and moved out of state. I'm not sure of the details, but he was somehow back in town (not sure living, visiting, etc), and committed suicide. Ex-wife found his body. She had to tell their children.

This is my nightmare. This is it, and this woman is living it. And the emotions she must be dealing with. To not only FIND your ex-spouse, but to know they were most likely only "ex" because of an addiction that they weren't strong enough to fight.

It could be me. It may be me. This is real life. THis happened. I think part of me always felt a teeny sense of relief that maybe I awas just being dramatic about the possibility of this happening. But now I'm aware that it has happened to someone. I'm simply at a loss.

I've had no contact with D since Sat afternoon when he left. He's been on/off FB, so I know he's alive,  but that's about it. His parenting class is tomorrow morning. He better pull his shit together for that. Without our attendance at this class (mine is next week), we can't legally separate. It truly baffles my mind that he doesn't want to see his kids. I don't understand. I don't GET it.

S doesn't even ask about him everyday. It's a good thing, but at the same time it's so sad.

And the update

As I suspected, he *did* wish himself a happy Veteran's Day. I held my tongue, but was silently seething. Then, when I thought it couldn't get any worse, he "checked in" at a bar, not more than 2 miles from my house. Not only was he a no-show on Sunday, but on Monday he chose to have a "boys night out" with his "friends" rather than drive a bit further to see his children.

I put "friends" in quotes, b/c they aren't serious friends. He would never call on them in a time of need. Those friends, the ones who've brought him back from brink of death, he has screwed over so badly that the relationship is over.

I was so on-edge about the entire thing. I was pacing in my kitchen. I finally did the dishes by hand, just to keep my hands busy so I wouldn't type something i would regret. But hand washing the dishes just increased my anger, b/c I actually HAD to hand-wash the dishes b/c I had no dish detergent for the dish washer. Of course, I blamed that on him as well, b/c who wants to haul 3 toddlers out of the car at rush hour to run into the grocery for dish detergent. Not me!

I expect I won't be hearing from him for a few days. Fine with me.

speak of the devil

He's back with the land of the living. I just hopped on FB for a minute to check something and there was his profile pic with the green button all lit up.

It made me irrationally angry to see. I KNOW it's the disease, I KNOW this, but I just want to scream how in the world can you be so SELFISH, so goddamn SELFISH. To be so in to yourself that you just dismiss the thought of seeing your children. That you don't call ME to let me know at the very least that you are drunk and can't keep your plans.

God help me, it's moments like this that I wish he would just go away, far far away, so I can wipe the worry of him from my plate. Not that it would wipe it completely, but it would be something.

I'm so mad, I'm almost in tears.

I've had a slight addiction with Pinterest lately. It replaced my addiction with Candy Crush;) I find some pins on there that just hit me too personally to pin. I feel like I would be laying my very deepest feelings out there, my soul, for everyone to see. JennyG, we've had this convo about the Brave Girls Club, too. But, today, I have to post two of them, b/c that's where I am right now.

Clearly, on some level, I am taking this entire ordeal personally. Most days I don't, but when I get so so mad like I am now, these feelings come to the surface. Did he ever love me? I think so. I think he did. But how can I be sure. Did he only love me because I took care of him? And did I only love him because I needed to take care of someone? Such horrible questions. I was ready to spend the rest of my life with him. Obviously, his need for alcohol was more important than his need for me.

And for the record, I really don't feel destroyed. I don't think I ever had the thought of "what am I going to do." I think I always knew that I would survive, I didn't have a choice. I feel f'ing strong for doing what I did. For getting myself and my kids out of that situation. I am proud of myself for what I did; I know that many don't make it as far as I do.

I swear to God, if he even posts one damn thing on FB about Veteran's Day and how he's so proud of serving his country, I may throw my computer across the room, or worse, call him out for not serving his kids.

so much stuff

So many things to write about...so many things that I wanted to say that I've already forgotten.

Single mom-hood is HARD. I get a "break" when I come to work.

Of note.
1) I last saw D about 4:30 on Saturday, when we were outside playing with the kids and he started puking. He told me he was leaving, and he'd be there at 10:30 on Sunday. He was a no-show. I've been stalking him on FB, and it looks like he was last on, Sat night about 8:30. So, about 40 hours with no communication from him/or indication of him being, well, alive. My crazy thoughts are stirring. But they really aren't so crazy, knowing him. BUT, I am managing them much better than in the past. I'm sure he's alive, but binging. I sent him home Friday night b/c he refused a breathlyzer.

2) Last night, in the bath S said "mommy, what day did daddy leave?" I said "what??" She said "when did daddy leave and not live with us anymore?" Her little brain just amazes me. I thought for a second and said "I think daddy last lived here on a Wed."

3) This morning, S said "if daddy calls tonight, I want to talk to him." "OK, what do you want to say?" "To ask him why he didn't come over yesterday. I bet he was sick." It seriously breaks my heart. Into teeny tiny pieces.

4) Two weeks ago, he said "I'd like to go to your parents house for Christmas." Um WHAT, EXCUSE ME? YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING. I didn't say that of course, but it's what I was thinking. Instead I told him that I didn't even know if he was invited, and that I would need to talk to my mom. He totally floors me at times. But at the same time, I go back to the excuse(???) that he may not be around much longer, for whatever reason, and I want his kids to have as much time with him as they can. But really, does he expect to still be included? Well, clearly he does.

My mom was floored when I asked her if he could come. She still hasn't given me an answer. I don't blame her if she says no, but Lord I will be a ball of nerves that day wondering what he is doing if he doesn't come with us.

5) In the same convo as #4, he said "are we supposed to put on a happy family front" when talking about having our annual holiday dinner with his brother and family. Brother and family ARE coming in town to have dinner with at least me and the babies (and present exchange for the cousins). M and I had already planned the date. I said "there is no happy family and no front to put on." M knows what's going on, there's no reason to lie.

But the simple fact that he had thought about lying? I mean, to a normal person, at this point, WHY lie? What would be the point? It would serve no purpose.

I.don't.understand.him. He does not think rationally, or logically, about this topic or anything else. He was talking on Wed night about something so trivial as switching cable companies. The reason he gave for switching made absolutely no sense. NONE. It's like he's lost his brain cells.

He is/was such an intelligient person. I feel like the alcohol is eating away at more than just his liver.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

So.frustrating.
I just got off the phone with D. I told him that he needed to come up with a solution re: visitation that includes 1) being sober and 2) not in active withdrawal. His response was "sobriety." I honestly just sat there. I had no immediate response. I finally gathered myself and told him I didn't feel that was a feasible solution. That he had tried for 10 years and that it hadn't worked yet and I didn't expect it to ever work. That he has lost everything but his money and he doesn't seem to care. Then, the social worker kicked in and I added that it was a great long term goal, but that he needed to come up with something more short-term.

I told him I don't want our kids lasting memories of him to be puking in the backyard or sweating profusely on the couch. He didn't respond. He told me he'd ask the dr for some ativan. Great, more medication. He then went on to try to defend himself, telling me he thought the situation the other night was anxiety related, not withdrawal. I agreed that there was definately anxiety involved but the fact that he couldn't hold his KEYS was purely withdrawal. He told me he was fine when he got in the car. He may well have been. I don't know, and I wasn't going to argue about it.

I told him that I thought about calling the cops when he left. At that point he got defensive and said something like "yeah, they're going to ticket a sober, insuranced driver who's driving perfectly fine." Again, I wasn't going to argue. I simply said that he needed to stop being so selfish and start to think about others who he might possibly endanger.

He's just clueless. None of this is his fault. It's anxiety, so obviously that clears him of any wrong-doing. His lack of caring for his own well-being/outcome is unfathomable to me. I don't GET it.

These are the days I just want to say fuck it. We're DONE. I mean, obviously, we're done, but more "I'm done with every aspect of you. I'm done THINKING about you. You can't see your kids anymore."

I'm just so frustrated. He fell in the bathtub last weekend. Big surprise, right? He got an MRI done this morning that was negative, and the dr thinks it's probably just a deep bone bruise and is going to give him something for the pain. Fantastic, MORE medicine. Trust me, he's honestly not drug-seeking. He HATES pills/meds of any kind.

I have a call in to the agency that specializes in divorce. My professional relationship with the organization is over, so I want to get an intake appt asap. S is doing alot better than she was this summer, but if he can't figure out a way to be in their life positively, to be a somewhat productive and encouraging father, then he's out. And she needs to be prepared for that.

Newly "phased"

In regards to D, not much phases me anymore. A DUI, jail, fired from a job, broken bones, etc...I've seen it all. Last night though, freaked me the F out.

He came over about 3 pm, sober. About 4:30, the tremors and sweating started. I heard him puke in the bathroom. The babies couldn't tell anything was different, and if they did they certainly weren't phased. I was pissed, but resigned. He was making an effort, after all.

At 5:30, I had the babies in their high chairs for dinner. I happened to look out the kitchen window to see D dry heaving off the deck. Lovely. I could SEE from the movement of his shorts he was shaking. I actually took a video of it. Not sure why. The eerie part of the 20 sec video clip is about the sound of A's sweet voice yelling for her daddy. They could see nothing, she just chose that random time to call for him. This entire incident was just minutes after I asked him if he was ever scared of having a heart attack. "It hasn't happened yet."

He then came in and layed on the couch for an hour, clearly incapacitated. Finally, once I had the twins in the bath, I walked into the family room and said "why don't you just go." He said "no, I'll stay." I told him that he was useless to me in the state he was in. Just at that time, S walked in the room and said "I want daddy to go." OMG, I could *see* his heart breaking. So mine broke for him.

She walked into the bathroom and said "babies, daddy's going home. He doesn't feel well." Her ability to feel-out the situation just floored me.

I walked back into the living room where he was putting on his shoes, gathering his phone and keys, etc. He was very obviously shaking, but nothing I hadn't witnessed before. Then, he tried to pick up this travel size bottle of cologne I had found hiding in the bathroom and was going to take home with him. His "slight" shakes turned into these Parkinson-like gross tremors, in which he could NOT hold his hand still. The lid came off the cologne and I yelled "stop." He said he couldn't stop. It took both of my hands on top of his, applying pressure to make it stop. Once I let go it started again. We're not talking can't sign your name legibly. Think fish out of water. This was unlike ANYTHING I've ever seen before. It's conservative for me to say that his hands were shaking (I can't really even use that word for this) SO much that they were a good 10-12 inches from where he wanted them. I spent along time last night looking for a video to describe what I saw. Anything I found on youtube about "alcohol tremors" did not hold a candle. It was horrific.

I can't stop thinking about it. I close my eyes and I SEE his hands. He went on to say it was uncontrollable. I reminded him that he could control it, he was just choosing not to do so.

November 25th @ 9 am

That's our courtdate. It was like jumping through hopes to get it. I didn't realize it wasn't automatically assigned and have been waiting for months to get a letter notifying me of the date. I found out last week that the district we're assigned to does not automatically do that. So, it's done now. We both have to take a parenting class. Mine is Nov 20. I e-mailed D the info so he can schedule his class.

After the phone call, I had another head in my hands how is this my life moment. Surreal that I'm here.

After "skipping out" last Tues-Thurs, D IM'd me late Friday night to ask what time S's soccer game was on Saturday. I SO did not want to respond. I DID make him wait, but I told him, but geez I didn't want to. He showed up, sober, before I did. He played with Connor for the entire hour (this was a good thing!).

I had nothing to say to him, and what did come to mind was certainly not appropriate in front of S. After the babies went down for their nap, I asked if he had changed his visiting routine without telling me. "I had a bad week." That was it. I had a bad week. Wish *I* could use that excuse. I'm so done with him that I don't have the effort to fight, or even discuss. He has exhausted me, and I just don't care enough anymore. I did manage to tell him to NEVER call me his wife again. That although I was technically, he clearly doesn't give a shit about me, and I'm beginning to believe for his children either. He had no comment to that.

Later in the day, I was helping him with his phone (he is technologically illiterate). He got a new phone and had no idea where to look for texts. He actually had the volume off and so had no idea I was calling or texting. He had to answer some security questions. One was "where did your parents meet." He answered, and then said "although I don't have parents. If I did, I wouldn't be so fucked up." OMG GROW UP. You are almost 45 years old and STILL blaming your parents.

 A bit later, he told me he needed more money from our joint account. We talked about that a bit. He actually said "between booze and food I'm spending about xxx a day." He LITERALLY has alcohol in his flipping BUDGET. He is OUT of money, but refuses to stop drinking even though it means he's brok. No words.

Nov 25.

mixed emotions

My emotions have gone from one end of the spectrum to the other since Sunday. I took the babies to the pumpkin patch on Sunday morning (thank you S, for helping to wrangle my children;)). I sent D a text at 12:30, as we were leaving, so he would know what time we'd be home. In his defense, he never said he'd be there by 1 (or any specific time). We got home, had lunch, I put the twins down for their nap and lied down in my own bed. When D hadn't shown up by 1:30, I took a nap myself.

I woke up at 3 pm, feeling like I'd been drugged. I had no idea what time it was, what DAY it was. I'm not entirely sure I even knew my own name. I remember looking over at S, who was happily coloring in bed next to me. That grounded me a bit, and then I looked outside and I still couldn't decipher night from day. It was BIZARRE. Once I finally got my composure, I looked at my phone to see that D had called at 2:30, but didn't leave a message. I  called him back, but no answer.  About 4, I sent him a text letting him know that S was looking for him (this was true). No response. I didn't think  much about it until I walked out the front door about 5 and saw that the trashcan of dirty dipes have been emptied and put in our dumpster. My guess is he was there and knocked, but I didn't hear.

Immediate guilt. OMG he showed up to see his kids and I didn't hear him. He went out of his way to drive here to see them and he couldn't. After this, I tried to call him several more times (a bit obsessively). No answer.

He never showed up, nor called back, nor answered my texts or contacted me on FB.  I was also feeling very anxious about poor S's hives, and was obsessivly googling about that Sunday night. I couldn't sleep, was completely wound up and could not relax. It was horrible.

Monday is not one of his usual days so it didn't surprise me when he didn't show up. Last night, Tues, I fully expected to see his car in front of the house when I pulled on to our street. Interestingly, I was secretly hoping I wouldn't. I just had no desire to see him. I just wanted to spent time with my babies in a relatively chaos-free environment. He wasn't there, and didn't show the rest of the night.

S mentioned "daddy was supposed to be here tonight. That's weird that he wasn't." All I could say is "yes, that IS weird." I had no other response for her.

THEN, I wake up this AM to see a post of his on FB about "his wife's house." Um, I literally scratched my head. ENOUGH with calling me "wife" already. Yes, I am, technically, but certainly not in practice. It just pissed me off. I wanted to respond so badly "your wife would like to know when you're coming to see your kids." THIS close to doing that. But, I am the better person, right?!

I wonder why he isn't answering his phone. My guess is that he lost it. I don't think he ever got the text I sent on Sunday, since it wasn't marked as "delivered." I wonder, does he not have ANY interest in what's going on with his kids? What if one of them were sick, or S was in the ER (which is not a stretch given her medical history). I understand him not wanting to talk to me, but e-mail, or FB message or something to check on his kids. Although, if I think about it rationally, I would guess most divorced couples don't have a lot of communication with each other, unless it's absolutely necessary. But our situation is different. If he only wants to see them xx number of days per month, then we need to make a plan for that, and introduce it to S so she knows what to expect.

defining status quo

Today is a better day:)

The last several weeks have been both good and bad. My days are usually only bad when D's behaviors cannot help but affect me. He's on a rollercoaster. Alot of it is the bipolar, alot is the drinking. His psychiatrist told him this week that his bipolar is getting worse. She increased his meds.

He showed up drunk last Friday night and I had to send him away. He didn't show the next day, which was also S's soccer game that he told her he would attend. When she saw him on Sunday she asked why he didn't show. "I was sick." "Why were you sick, daddy?" "My medicine made me sick"
:-/

I meant to post here about his behavior on the twins' b-day, but I think I just couldn't bare to deal with it. We met our photographer that morning in the park. I had invited D, but let him know that he wasn't expected, and to only show if he wanted to be in a few pictures. He DID show (I was SHOCKED, given his behavior in the days leading up to that morning). He looked like a zombie an was very unengaged from the kids. He was sweating bullets, and his eyes were like slits, he was bloated. After the fact, S my friend who took the pics told me that his eyes were so blood shot that she had trouble editing the pics.

We left the park and headed to have some fun with the kids. While on the way, he chugged a gatorade bottle of water. Yes, I know it was water. When we get to our destination, he puked in the parking lot. Over and over and over and OVER. I was pissed and livid and embarrassed. Not a speck of my being felt sorry for him. I told him that he could stay in the car for the 1.5 hours or he could come in to play, but that I was NOT taking him back to his car. He chose to come in, but then ended up sitting on a bench most of the time, leaving me to wrangle all 3 kids.

We get back in the car and he lets me know that he needs to go home. He doesn't feel well. Maybe he'll visit later, but he needs to go lie down. Thankfully the trio were making lots of noise in the back seat, so I took the opportunity to tell him what a special kind of ass he really is. I said "have you told your kids happy birthday? Because today IS their birthday and I haven't heard you tell them." He looked at me like a dear in headlights. I don't know if he forgot, or didn't care, or what, but he knew he had no excuse. I drove him back to his car, and before he got out he turned around and told them each happy birthday. We didn't see him the rest of the day.

I got home, did naptime and then let them open their presents when they woke up. They had cupcakes after dinner and I sang them happy birthday by myself, while I held back the tears. The fucker wasn't even there to SING. And he didn't even get them a present. Not a coloring book even. Nothing. I reminded him weeks before and he told me he didn't know what to get them. I told him if that was the case then I would be grateful if he gave me even a bit of money for the presents that I bought for them. I got nothing. THEY got nothing. Bastard.

A few nights ago, he was over and told me he was leaving (earlier than normal). I asked why, not that I cared, but I was curious. He said "there's preoccupied with TV, I'm not getting any quality time." "CREATE some quality time. Engage them. PLAY with them." Good GOD, it may not be the most entertaining for HIM, but it is NOT hard to play with 2 and 3 year olds. Be a fucking DAD.

That is my status quo. I realize I post mostly negative things here, but honestly, there's not alot good. Two nights ago he called me to let me know that one of my favorite movies was on TV. I was shocked. It was honestly one of the nicest things he's done for me in months (or longer).

Long time, no see.

Things have been pretty status quo. Nothing too outside of the norm (for us). Today, though, this morning anyway, was bad for me. I just suddenly got SO overwhelmed with the thought that I am the sole caretakers for my children. If they need something in the middle of the night, I get up. If they need to go to the dr, I take them. If they pee in the floor, I clean it up. It's all me.

S is dealing with asthma issues (and hives). She gets one liquid meds 3x a day, another liquid med 1x a day, 1 pill a day, plus multiple puffs of multiple inhalers 2x a day. C is a teething mess. A is her usual clingy, high maintainance self, " 'old me, mama, 'old me." It's hard. When there's no one else to give them meds, or comfort, or just HOLD, it's ridiculously hard, and it all came crashing down this morning.

I was exhausted when I woke up, was late to get in the shower. My lateness usually cues chaos for the rest of the three, b/c then I'm hurrying them around. Got all 3 up and ready to go, only to discover that the twins both pooped. Change them, get them all in the car, to realize that S needed a head band, and one of her meds. Run back in, get everything, spill the medicine down my arm. "Oh, for God's sake." "What do you mean by that, mommy?" :-/ Tears were RIGHT there, but didnt come. Get to daycare, only to see that C only had one ONE shoe. The other was not in the car. He lost it somewhere between the front door and the car. Great. Luckily, daycare had an extra pair, but he needed socks. So, he spent the day running around in an extra pair of S's pink socks.

Most days, I could laugh about it, but not today.  Before finding out that daycare had an extra pair of shoes, I was literally standing in the middle of the room fighting tears like a two year old, feeling quite ok with just letting them flow.

Enough already. Someone needs to cut me some slack. I shouldn't have to deal with this on my own. What in the hell did I do in a previous life to prove that I can handle this amount of stress? Because I can't. I'm short with my kids, I just want to hole up in bed and not come out for a long, long time. But then, the guilt kicks in and I sit down and put on a happy face and try to engage my children in something fun.

QOTD

My grandma died early this morning.  Her death was imminent, and she had rapidly progressing Alzheimer's, so it really is a blessing. Her level of lucidity really varied from one hour to the next. I'm not yet ready to start working through this emotionally. I'm still caught up in the logistics of it all.

How in the heck will I take 3 toddlers to a funeral. DO I take them? My parents never really thought twice about taking me to funeral homes. Coming from an older family, I've dealt with it many times. I've always thought that my parents forced it on me a bit, never really giving me the option to NOT go, at least while I was living at home.

Now, I think about S. When my other grandmother died last summer I felt strongly that she was too small to view a body. My family is very in to open caskets:-/ We took her to the funeral/wake, but kept her away from the front. She didn't know what was going on. During the actual funeral, D kept her in the back and left with her when it was time to view her body for the last time.  D was also irrationally worried that she would see her, and think of his mother. The two looked nothing alike, so not sure where that came from.

S is almost 4. She's very intuitive. She will see/sense the sadness. (My mother is a wreck). I will take her, explaining that Grandma R's body just got tired and she died. I read today that toddlers don't have the same negative idea about death as adults do. makes sense. I will take that twins, against my better judgement, b/c I also firmly believe that a toddler's presence and smile will make the entire situation a bit easier, especially for my mom.

The Question of the Day: Do I tell D? He has made no attempt at contacting me since he left last Saturday. In a moment of weakness earlier today I did call his cell. He didn't answer, and I didn't leave a message. She was his family for 14 years. They liked each other; got along well. He won't be heartbroken by any means, but I feel like he should know. That leads to: do I want him to come to the funeral? And if so, why? And if so, what will we tell relatives about our situation? If he doesn't come, what will I tell certain nosey relatives. I feel most like I can handle 3 better than I can handle 4. If he were to come, I'd worry about his sobriety. And if sober, I'd worry about withdrawal.

ugh, this is bad, bad, bad...all around.

the other shoe...that wasn't long

If my math is right, D had 5.5 days of sobriety. He left my house on Tues night, letting me know he wouldn't be there on Wed. He had a dentist appointment. I guess the added stress of seeing his kids on the same day as the dentist was too much. Whatever, it didn't matter.

Wed came and went. Thursday is usually a day that he comes over. Thursday came and went with no contact from him. Same with Friday. I can "watch" him on FB a bit, and could tell from things he posted/times he posted them, he was drunk. I had written him off for Saturday. I woke up early, took the babies to the park and then we went home and were playing on the patio. He came waltzing out on to the patio at 11. It was my fault. I should have locked the front door. I asked what he was doing there. He said "to see my kids." I told him it was nice that he had the option to come and go as he pleased. He was not sober.

Because he was not obviously drunk, I let him stay. I didn't know what to do! I wasn't allowing him to stay for him, but S yelled out a big DADDY when she saw him. Both babies ran over to him. I let him stay until 1, when the babies went down for their nap. Then, I asked him to take a breathlyzer. He refused.  I told him he needed to go, and that he was not allowed to show up unannounced. He just sat there, contemplating. S screamed "I don't WANT daddy to go." She started crying as he put his shoes on. Just yelling/crying daddy, daddy, daddy. 

He didn't seem to hear her.

I told her that what he is doing is not fair to his kids. His response? "Life's not fair."

Bastard.

He left, and I was left to comfort an inconsolable child. I just kept reminding her that I would take care of her. Over and over. And over and over she kept crying daddy, daddy, daddy. She finally cried herself to sleep.

Later that night, she asked why daddy left. Ugh. I can only say "he's sick" or "he has things to do" so many times. So, I told her that mommy has rules, and that daddy is not following them right now. Because he's not, mommy told him to leave. She seemed ok with that explanation. I didn't know what in the hell else to say. I'm at a loss.

Anyway, that was Saturday. I haven't heard from him since, and it's Tues afternoon. I know he's alive, but that's about it.

How pathetic is it that if I see he's been on FB my first thought is "well, I guess he's still alive." Also, if I happen to have time to watch the news in the morning, I always catch my breath if I see a story about an overnight accident, situation, etc, until I'm certain it's not him.

the calm after the binge

Last week was full of emotional chaos. D was binging. Of course, now that he has moved out, I have no actual proof. But I knew, and he later confirmed. He failed to visit the babies last Wed and Thursday. He missed a dr appt. He ran out of meds.

I feel such RELIEF that I don't have to be so close to that behavior anymore, but it still affects me. I found myself eating out of control, b/c I knew HE was out of control.

I guess he came to his senses late Friday night/early Sat morning. He called me and asked if he could visit. I reminded him that S and C were with my parents, so it was just A and myself. He said that was ok and came over for a few hours. Looked like death. Sounded like death. I just didn't have it in me to be sorry for him. To even worry about him. I just didn't care. He's just honestly "someone I know." And that's so sad.

He came back on Sunday, where he admitted that while binging, although he'd been taking some of his meds incorrectly. "I took less than prescribed of my depression and anxiety meds, but none of the important ones." I reminded him that they were all important and that maybe increased anxiety and depression may have exacerbated the binge. I'm just so emotionally removed from the situation. It's a wonderful feeling, but still sad. He came over last night and as he was leaving told me that he was "day 5 cold turkey." I told him that was great and asked how he was feeling. He said that "drink-wise I'm good. No cravings. But, my head is just a chaotic mess." I reminded him that that's most likely why he drinks in the first place.

I feel sad that he can't fight those demons. That he's not strong enough to beat the negativity in his head.

He's been engaged, been a GREAT dad. Reading and playing, and clearly enjoying his time with them as much as they do with him. I looked in our family room last night and they were all on his lap, listening to him read a book. So bittersweet.

Unfortunately, despite his best efforts, this period of sobriety will not last. I hate to be negative Nelly, and I know that everyone has to start somewhere, but I'm no longer able to feel encouraged by his positive behavior. For me, I will always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. Because it will.

And something that's really been pissing me off is his view that providing financially for our kids is his responsibility as well as mine. In an ideal world, it would be up to both of us. But it's not ideal. Yes, I'm getting half of his families money. But my half will be used to pay for daycare and doctor bills and diapers and clothes. Not his. He will use his money to pass his mortgage, and drink. He made a comment on Saturday how our daycare SHOULD provide breakfast/lunch "as much as we're paying." We? Um, no. It is my name alone on that check I write each month. And then, on FB last week, he made a comment about having to pay for 2 weddings and 3 college educations. Why do I feel like it will be ME stuck with footing the bill for all of that. He just continues to be in denial. Even said something to A the other day about us taking her to the beach. No, no. no. We are DONE.

Sad for him

I needed to call D a few minutes ago. His phone rang several times, and I tried to picture where it was in the condo. It has to be so lonely there. So quiet. I guess that's the way he wants it. Or maybe not? Maybe I've forced him into lonliness, quietness? I'm crying. Where in the HELL is this coming from. As I waited for him to answer I just tried to envision what it's like for him to be there by himself so much. Nothing but a TV and computer and phone that rarely rings. It has to be lonely. He's the type that craves social interaction, but yet feels SO much anxiety when faced with interaction. He loves to cook, but doesn't cook anymore. Says it's impossible to cook for one. He's not trying to make me feel sorry for him. Or maybe he is, but I don't think so. The rational part of me says he has done this to himself. Shut him self off from everyone that has ever cared for him. His mom is dead; his dad estranged. He has no one. Gah. This is when I just want to hug him, and hold him and make him feel better. But I can't make him feel better. I gave him every opportuntiy for my love, and every time he chose a bottle instead. And DAMN the questions that are coming from S lately. Will daddy live at his condo forever? When will you put your rings back on? I answer her as honestly as I can. But she keeps asking the same questions over and over. Which tells me she's not processing what I'm saying. I hate this for her.

I filed.

It's done. Not final, but it sure felt final. I was on a mission as a walked in, but of course there was something else wrong with the paperwork. Apparently, in MO, there is no official "separation" paperwork, so the mediator had used dissolution of marriage paperwork. The clerk made me scratch out every instance of dissolution and write "legal separation" next to it. Nothing like rubbing my nose in anything.

Finally got the window, everything was in order and she starting running everything through a machine to stamp it. The sound of that damn machine kept getting louder and louder, and with it, I could here my marriage disintegrating. It was horrible. I got teary eyed, but never actually cried. On the way out, I started cursing D again. That seemed to help a bit, but just made me so angry.

I came back to work and was doing fine and then a stupid song came on my internet radio and I lost it. I actually walked over to my shelves where one of our wedding day pictures has been lying face down for months. I picked it up, looked at it, STARED at it, and just started bawling. Even looking at the date stamp on the picture got to me.  FUCKER. I kept saying to myself, how am I to this point. Did I have ANY idea 10 years ago that I would be HERE. WHY couldn't  he love me, love US, more than the alcohol. Why couldn't he grow up and outgrow it, like just about every other person I know? WHY? It's just not right. It's wrong. I just put my head down and sobbed. And then, when I was finally ready to look up, I looked straight at the pictures of my children. And I smiled. Because they make me smile, make me happy, something D has not been able to do in a very long time. I realized that THEY are why I'm here right now. They are the only thing that's keeping me going right now.

Anger

So mad, I've been silently fuming all day. I woke up this morning to see a post that a friend posted on FB last night. She's a friend of ours (knew D in high school), and also our financial advisor. She has a 17 year old daughter that babysits occasionally. D and I have both noticed her daughter texting while we're there, but I've never said anything. I probably should, that's the passive person in me, but my kids are clean and cared for when she's there, and they LOVE her. Her time at my house is minimal anyway.

Anyhoo, friend posted last night that "E needs a job since she's digging through the couch cushions for change right now." D responded the first time about maybe if she'd worry more about diaper changing than texting that maybe she would have a more permanent gig with us. Then, later on in the succession of posts he chimed in again that E seems less than interested to be there, since she texts all the time. Friend didn't respond to either post of D's.

I'm angry for SO many reasons. First and foremost, who's HE to critique someone elses babysitting skills Mr. I left my children ALONE. Second, he does not have a say in who I get to babysit. If he wanted a say, he should have stepped it up a long time ago.  Third, he messaged me before I left work yesterday, saying "I'm sick as a dog. Not coming over. Will revisit tomorrow." Um, what excuse me? Sick as a dog, but CLEARLY drunk when he posted that last night, and able to play on FB? Couldn't be THAT sick.

I just absolutely hate that I feel like I have to pick up the pieces of this. Friend hasn't called me or questioned me about it, and in fact E will be babysitting for a few hours tomorrow afternoon. I WON'T pick up the pieces. I'll direct her to him if she has questions. He's just an ass. WHEN will he understand that he has to deal with the consequences of what he says/does while drinking?

The entire situation has made me anxious, but nearly as anxious as I've been in the past.

I felt the sudden STRONG urge to say something on FB this morning, so all of his friends could see him for what he really is. As my good friend C said today, if the friends know you both, they most likely have some idea of what's going on.

In good news, I re-fi'd yesterday. My house is officially in MY name only. Guess that means I'm an adult:)

what is that look on your face?

D showed up on time yesterday, drunk. At least enough so that he refused a breathlyzer, which he has never done.

I took the babies out for some fun yesterday morning, timing it so we'd get home about that same time that he was (supposed to) arrive. Ironically, I pulled up to a stop light just a few cars away from his, and watched him pull into the drugstore. Hmmm...my radar went off immediately. He arrived about 30 minutes later, with a bag from the store, so at least I knew that he had gone in for something other than just alcohol.

After a brief convo, and watching him interact with the kids I went to get the breathalyzer. He took it, turned it over and over in his hands a few times, and said "I'm not gonna pass it. I won't take it."  My response was to tell him that he needed to leave. I didn't push him out the door. It was lunchtime by then and he stayed long enough to watch the babies eat. Didn't do a damn thing to help, but why would he. He finally told S he was going to go. She didn't question, but did walk him to his car like she always does. Then, as usual, she ran inside and ran to the window so she could watch him pull away. I don't know. Something in her face, her expression as she looked out the window just brought me to tears. I could tell she was upset, but she was trying hard not to be, or at least not to let it show.

She walked back to the kitchen, where I was FIGHTING to hide my tears and said "mommy, what is that look on your face?" I just let it go at that point. I want her to know it's ok to cry, and be sad, and that I'm sad too. Now granted, I'm sad for HER, not sad for me, but we don't need to go there, lol. I grabbed her, and hugged her, and asked if she was ok. She said no, that she didn't want daddy to go. I told her that I know she didn't, and it's ok to be sad.

A bit later, we were lying in my bed resting while the babies were napping. She said "you don't have that look on your face anymore." Damn, smart, intuitive girl. "No baby. I feel better now. How are you?" She told me she was still sad, and missed daddy.

Last night, as we were getting ready for bed she asked me why daddy didn't stay that day. I said "I don't know. I guess he had other things to do." She said "no. that's not what happened." UM,huh, what?! I asked her what happened and she said "you asked daddy to do something and he didn't do it, and you told him to leave." Dear lord. This could snowball so many different ways. Her thinking she has to listen to EVERY little thing I say or I'm going to send her away. Her thinking I'm the bad guy telling daddy to leave. etc, etc.

It's hard to be here, and this point, with her. I will NOT talk badly about him to her, I just won't. At the same time, it seems like she may be ready for more "truth" than I thought. This is so hard.

Plan foiled

I tried to file on Friday afternoon. Lawyer friend S was in town, and went with me for moral support (and a bit of friendly legal assistance). One of the "exhibits" was not notarized, so I couldn't file. That's now been taken care of and I need to find the time to get back and do it. My first attempt at it though confirmed that I have everything else in place, so hopefully 2nd time around is the winner.

D is...D. Can we talk about denial (again)? Just yesterday, he said "maybe when they're older we can take then to Costa Rica." Um, HUH? Yes, that's just want I want to do. Take a "family" trip with my alcoholic ex. I don't understand his logic. Does he really think that I'm currently living my dream life, single mom to 3 kids, with a less than part time dad in the picture? What will he do when I get to the point of being ready to date? It feels like he thinks this is the way it's going to be forever, and I won't want to move on.

I didn't post about a HUGE incident that happened two weekends ago. I didn't have it in me until now. He had come over that Friday night, drunk. Not drunk to the world, but drunk to me. Very short, very on edge, very confrontational. I didn't send him home. Why? I need to work on this. I'm working on boundaries with my 3 year old, I need to work on boundaries with her 44 year old father. He finally left, after being there about 2 hours, saying he'd be back at 10 am.

He didn't show up at 10. The pissy side of me always hopes he'll be late, just so I can complain about it. But, under normal circumstances he's never late. 11, 12, 1 pm passed. At that point, I refused to call him. I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing I was at the very least curious, at the very worst, concerned. I never heard from him. Went to bed about 11 pm, extremely worried. I was at the point of starting to think the worst. jail, hospital, dead. In his world, those are all very real possibilities. I thought about what I would tell S, if any of those situations might have been true. I finally called him about 8:30 am on Sunday. No answer. I packed up the twins (S was with my parents that weekend), and started to drive to the condo. I called from the car, halfway there, and he answered. I was livid. LIVID. SEETHING.

Thank the lord S was not in the car because I could NOT hold back. He told me he "flaked out." I told him I was ready to call the cops to do a welfare check on him. I don't remember most of what I said, except that several times I said "THIS is why you need therapy. THIS is why you don't live with us anymore. You're SICK and you need help." The idea that he can just check out when he wants to is just more than I can understand. I don't understand how he thinks it's ok. AND, that he just so easily attributes it to mental illness, once again taking the responsibility off of himself.

The next day he stopped by my work to drop off some papers. We talked. He told me he quit taking his meds. I wonder if it's true. It's the first time I've ever wondered if it's true, or if he just uses it as an excuse to completely lose control. I told him that he needed to pick 2-3 days a week to come over each weekday evening. He is to tell me those days on Sunday each week. I know him so well, I think this will help. WHY am I trying to help? I feel like if he thinks of it more as a job (for lack of a better word), then he will be more apt to stick to his schedule. I also told him that he is no longer allowed to discipline S. That little girl is really mixed up right now, as evidenced by her behaviors. She needs consistent discipline, not the "threat" of time out. I've learned recently that she is "strong willed." She fits all characteristics. As such, she needs strong boundaries set for her, and someone who can discipline her if she tests those boundaries. But, that's a story for another day. I'm her primary caregiver, I will do the disciplining. Besides, he just usually ends up in a "dance" with her, with him getting pissed and her getting her way. Not good.

tons of updates

I'm not sure where to start. I mean well, wanting to come post here, but then it seems so overwhelming at times. Part of it is just the procrastinator in me, but the bigger part is that it is so draining. It's hard enough to LIVE these experiences, but then to actually record them...it's hard sometimes.

1) We signed the separation papers on Monday. Dissolution of Marriage. Such a sad, SAD term. It was fairly unemotional for me, until I watched D sign the papers. Funnily enough, MY signing them didn't phase me. Each page I initialed, each place I dated was just another baby step away from the man who cannot care for me or our children the way I need him to. But, to watch him sign, so easily, so non-chalantly, was a little dagger in my heart. How can he just throw "us" away?

The lawyer mentioned that the entire packet was 78 pages. D said "dead trees." I was thinking "dead marriage."

We had to record an official date of separation. When the lawyer asked for it Dan looked puzzled, like "hmmm what should we say." I assume he was maybe thinking the day he moved back into the condo. I immediately said February 13. It just came out. I realized after the fact that it was the night he was so drunk that he left, and I wouldn't let him back in the next day. That was the night that I finally realized things were over, at least from my perspective.

Now, we both have to take an online course for self-representation. I took mine. Once he takes his, I'll go to the courthourse to file. From there, they have to wait 30 days. During that time, we both have to take a parenting course, and then at the end of the 30 days we should get a letter from the Court with a date/time of our hearing.

2) This Wednesday he was supposed to come over after I got home from work. He sent me an IM on FB that he wasn't coming, and "tell Sophie I'll see her tomorrow." I have never picked up my phone so fast in my life. "Why aren't you coming?" "I've been drinking." "I don't care that you've been drinking. I care that you told S you'd see her tonight and now you won't." "I'm a drunk. A shitty dad."  blah, blah, blah. I let him have it. I told him I will NOT allow him to make promises to her that he can't keep, that she deserves more respec than he gives her. I finally hung up on him.

Thank GOD she wasn't phased by not seeing him that night. But, I was livid. LIVID. It's not acceptable. I "separated" us on Facebook:) Funny how I can't do things like this when he does something to ME, but it's the way he treats my children that makes me take my rings off, etc.

3) Again, last night he didn't come over. This was probably partially because S wasn't there (is staying with my parents this weekend). But hello, he has other children too! The weird part is that he made a special trip while I was at work to put something in my mailbox, but couldn't be bothered to help with his children later on that night.

OK, i have more updates than this, but really need to get back to work...

hate

I felt SO bad after I realized what I'd said on Friday about hating D. I don't hate him. I don't hate anyone. It's too strong a word for me to use. In fact, I will correct S on the rare occasions she uses the word, even if it's in relation to food or something insignificant.

And then, Sat morning happened. He came over on time, but had been drinking. I tend to think he'd been drinking that morning as opposed to it being "left over" from the night before. He was on edge, ready to pick a fight. I could FEEL it. He usual leans towards an ambivilant drunk than a mean, angry drunk. Not that he was angry on Saturday, but something was off. If I were a dog, the hair would have been standing up on my neck. It didn't help that I was feeling pissy, and had been for several days. Not in relation to him, just some things going on at work. And then he had not come over on Friday night so that really set me off.

He made some all knowing comments about C, and I just about lost it, thinking how do you KNOW how sick he's been when you weren't even here. Something to that point came out of my mouth. He told me I was making him feel guilty. That I was bothering him, blah, blah. He told me he didn't have to deal with my crap and said he was leaving. This all happened in front of S:-/ She started crying. I started crying, out of anger. I was SO angry at him. He headed towards the door and she is just sobbing. I BEGGED him not to leave her. I told him that I didn't need him and care if he was there or not, but that SHE needed him. It didn't stop him. Out the door he went. In that instance, I DID hate him. Hate, hate, hate. His discomfort should come second to hers. She chased him out of the house. I let her. I didn't want to put her in that position, but it was his situation to deal with. I knew that I would pick up the pieces.

A few minutes later he came back in carrying her, and stayed the rest of the day. Truthfully, most of the time these days I feel absolutely nothing for/about him. He just "is". I don't feel tied to him, and don't really feel sad for him anymore. He's made his bed.

Grrrrr....

I just got this IM from D. "I have to cancel for tonight, vomiting chills, etc. I'm still on for Sat a.m. and Sunday a.m."

I want to say, "from drinking too much, or not drinking enough." But, I know he would ignore it, so what's the point really. 80% of me is fine when he isn't there. I have to admit though that it's nice to have extra hands, even if they're at 50% capacity. Oh well.

Thank GOD I am careful not to make promises to S of when daddy will and won't be there. I feel though, that we need to work on a more consistent schedule, for her sake. She wants him there every day, she's said as much. I would like to be able to tell her that daddy will come see us on x, x, x, and x days. The reality is though, that he won't always keep those dates.

I curse him often, and sometimes almost hate him. As far as our relationship is concerned, I have very few emotions left. I don't get a twinge of "what if" when I see him. Honestly, it's relief when he leaves my house. 

He's still in some sort of denial. I asked last weekend when he was going to change our relationship status of FB. He told me he hadn't even thought about it, and then said "we *are* still married." Then, one night this week he informed me he'd been playing phone tag with a therapist recommended by his psychiatrist. "She's an LCSW, and some sort of specialist in marriage and family stuff. I thought that was good." Um. Really? For your next marriage? I just rolled my eyes.

In good news, I found out today that our mediator has completed all paperwork. Next step is to set up a meeting to review and get the papers from him. After that, I suppose I file.

And in REALLY great news, I found out that I can re-fi our home mortgage all on my own. I have enough income, and little debt, so even the fact that my name is still on our condo mortgage won't stop me from re-fi'ing. GO ME!

checking in...

Things are going ok (knock on wood). D's being as good as I can expect. He spent most of the day Sat and Sun at our house. I still wish he would engage more with our kids, but that could just be asking TOO much of him. I want him on the floor rolling around, PLAYING. When he does play, it seems so forced. At least he is trying, I guess?

I'm going through a good streak of keeping my shit together. Sure, there's chaos every day, but I'm trying hard to pick the battles I can (bathing my children), and not worrying about the others (toys all over the floor before bed). I'm very clearly trying to remain in control though. My house smells like a bottle of Pine-Sol, I do laundry and a load of dishes every night, most nights our trashcans are emptied before bed.  These are the things I can control.  I'm trying really hard to let go of the things I can't.

Re: S, I have not so great news about the agency I contacted. What I didn't mention in the last post is that I work with this agency on one of my projects. I found out a bit ago that because of this relationship, they won't provide services to us until that relationship is over. That will be September, at the earliest. She can't wait that long. I don't WANT her to wait that long. They will e-mail me with names of our resources in the area, and there is always my EAP that offers 5 free sessions each year.

Yes, of course I thought about sexual abuse. What kind of mother would I be if I didn't. And no, I'm not in denial, but I don't think that's it. This is S. I hate to label her as "shy" because I don't think that's true. She looks nothing like me, but I think she's definately inherited some of my social anxiety. In her entire little life, there have been VERY few people that she is genuinely comfortable being around.  Like me, she's a wanna be joiner, but never/rarely feels confident enough to make that step. Up until now, she's been leary of men AND women. Recently though (since D moved out), she's really taken to my female friends. As you might imagine, I've had a steady stream of friends/sitters in and out of my house. From the beginning, she wanted nothing to do (at least immediately) with either gender. Now though, she is becoming emotionally clingy to females and either avoiding/showing discomfort with the males. There were actually times this weekend she would have nothing to do with D. Just flat out refused to look at him, talk to him, etc. I did have a talk with him about what I think is going on, and that I felt she needed some help to work through it. He just looked at me. Not like he didn't believe me, but more of an "ok, whatever you think."

Over the weekend, I questioned her more about B. He's really the only male she's around, and that is r.a.r.e. On those occasions, C (his wife) is always there. On separate occasions I had conversations with her about appropriate touching.  This is NOT a taboo subject in my house, we talk about penises and 'ginas all.the.time.  I'm probably TOO open about subjects like that. Regardless, I honest to GOD don't think this is any sort of abuse issue. That said, for her own mental health, I will try to minimize her discomfort as much as possible. The only day she may (if at all) be in contact with B are Fridays. This Friday, we have an appt, so she will only spend a portion of the day there. Next Friday, b/c of crazy schedules, she won't be there at all.

I just want her to feel better. To feel comfortable. I know the crazy anxiety I get (even medicated) and I hate the thought of her feeling like that:(

I'm baaaackkkkk!

New Orleans was great. Very relaxing, but not very restful. Lots to see, eat and drink, but I enjoyed it all:) I can honestly say I left home for the airport that morning without a tear in my eye;) I.needed.it.

My friend, L, that went with me is a talker. I've known her since 7th grade. Although she has her own set of issues, she is extremely insightful. Her dad was an abusive alcoholic. Her mom finally divorced him when L was 4, after he held a gun to her 8 year old brothers head. She was completely floored that I had held in so much. I guess I really didn't realize I had. It's just part of the illness/enabling. We did a lot of therapy while there. It was good. Really good. I came to several new conclusions, and some of the things she said really stuck with me.

We were sitting in a bar at 2 in the afternoon, listening to dueling pianos, singing along to all my fave songs (think old school Elton John, Billy Joel) and I said "D would have HATED this place. We would NOT be sitting here." I explained that he hates loud places, that he views as obnoxious, hates listening to the same songs over and over that he's "been listening to since he was five." Both of the nights before we had been out at other sing along places. I sang so loud I woke up hoarse both days. L looked at me and said "this is YOU. This is HAPPY you. The old 'S.' And he doesn't like it." It made me sad, so sad. I didn't change FOR him. It wasn't blatant. But, in an attempt to fit in to his idea of fun/normal, I DID change. I needed to hear it.

What's weighing on my mind more than anything else though, is that S is clearly suffering. While I was gone, my brother in law was over at our house for a bit. My mom called to tell me that S was acting funny, wanting NOTHING to do with him. She LOVES him, talks about him a fair amount, despite not seeing him that often. It got so bad that she went in the other room until he left. When my parents found her, she was flushed and had a slightly elevated temp.  Prior to this happening, I've noticed her obsessing about our sitter C's husband, B. B is GREAT. He's my co-worker. She talks about him ALOT, and has over the past few months. "Where's B? Is he at home? Did you see him at work? etc.' BUT, when she is around him she wants nothing to do with him and becomes clingy to me. Now, I'm not deluded enough to think that just because he's "nice" something might not have happened. I've questioned her about it several times, when it seemed natural to do so. She's never given me an answers that we reason for alarm, and in general she seems to like him.

This morning, I dropped the 3 off at C's house. B was home, and S saw him as soon as she walked in. Cue the clingyness. I walked into the playroom with her, and the babies, along with C and her 3 kids. I looked down and S was crying. Clearly distraught. I KNEW why, and tried to explain to C as best I could, while still being slightly cryptic.

My theory is that S is mad/upset, whatever adjective you want to use, with D. She doesn't feel like she can voice/show that to him. In fact, when she sees him she JUMPS in his arms. Talks about him alot (more than I wish she would). She's projecting those angry/sad feelings on to other men that she views as "like" him, b/c she sees them as close in age. She, mimimally, seems fearful around them, but usually it's more avoidant than anything. She simply wants nothing to do with them. She does NOT do this with my dad or grandfather. In fact, it's quite the opposite.

I don't know. Maybe I'm completely off base. I did mention this to cousin H this morning. She actually said that she's wondered, although it's a HUGE stretch, if some of S's physical issues (lots of colds, respiratory issues, infections, etc) are not a result of the stress/tension that she's felt in our house.

So. There is one agency in my city that specializes in treating children of divorce. They work with kids as young as 3.5, which is how old she is, as of a few days ago. I have a call in to them to talk about what's going on. I just want to slap the crap out of him for doing this to her. I do NOT want her to have "man" issues the rest of her life.:(

drying out

UGH. He spent the night last night. The ONLY reason I allowed it was because he TOLD S he was staying before he ASKED me. She was so excited, I couldn't send him away. He slept on the couch of course. I was dumbounded when I heard his response to S's "daddy are you going to stay tonight?" He said "I think I AM going to stay!" A room away, my mouth dropped open. He didn't ask. Just assumed. Told me he needed to "dry out." I was floored at his audacity. In all honestly, he was quiet as a mouse, but still. He was THERE, and I couldn't sleep. It was seriously like PTSD. I barely slept. I would hear a sound and think "what's that? Was that the door? Is he drinking? Is that a glass? Is that another bottle opening." It was HORRIBLE. At the same time though, I had perspective, and realized without a doubt, how much better my life is without him.

He was awake when I woke up, having barely slept I'm sure. S went to say good morning to him, and then went to get dressed. During that time, I heard him dry heaving. A sound I hoped I would NEVER hear from him again. Horrible. I quickly turned up the TV S was watching, shut the bedroom door and went to find him. He was dry heaving over a trashcan in our family room. Shivering, tremors, sweat, the whole bit. "What's wrong?" "I'm sick. I don't ever want to feel like this again." "You need to leave. S cannot be witness to this." I walked away and a few minutes later I heard him leave.

What a self centered ASS to think he can just walk in MY house, uproot MY routine, on his whim. I've PAID for him to "dry out" and it hasn't worked yet. What's worse, I know this is only for a day or two. This was not for good. He just realized that he's been drinking too much and wants to get it under control for the short term, only to return to the old ways as soon as he forgets how miserable he felt this morning. How DARE he do that.

I have to think this may be in preparation for my parents stay this weekend. He wants to be on his best behavior, I'm sure. But, it's at MY expense, and he still doesn't see that.

Gonna wash that man right out of my hair...

A few things.
1) I don't think I ever confirmed here that I am indeed taking a TRIP. Girlfriend L and I are headed to NOLA on Thursday morning, and won't be back until Monday afternoon. D handled it better than expected. He's gotten more "ok" with it the closer it is to trip time. I felt like he was pissy about the money I'd be spending, so I told him that I am a) flying for free and b) staying in a fantastic hotel at an extremely cheap price. I didn't need to tell him that, but I always feel like he has an underlying issue with the money I spend, b/c he views it as his mom's money (even though I have a well-paying full time job). OR, maybe it's MY issues with the money I spend, and feeling slightly guilty. I don't know. At any rate, I am going, and I am ecstatic.

2) My parents will be "moving" into my house while I'm gone. We all thought it would be better to keep the babies in their routine, and I love that they're willing to stay at my house. That said, I have been cleaning like a mo-fo. I mean, they're at my house weekly anyway, and HELLO I lived with them for 18+ years, so they know I'm not the cleanest person. BUT, there's something different about knowing they'll be there 24/7 for 4-5 days. I have been hands and knees scrubbing the floors. Very reminiscent of my nesting phase with the twins. Literally 30+ weeks pregnant, on dr ordered bedrest, and giving in to the intense need to clean, scrub, shine, whatever I could.

I started with the dining room floor last week. While doing it, I realized that it was SO much more than  preparing for my parents to stay. I was trying to wash D out of my house. It's continued since. Yesterday alone, I scrubbed our laundry room, my bathroom and my bedroom. Pine-Sol everywhere, lol!  And, this was in addition to a 3 hour play date we'd had to start the morning. I wasn't tired at ALL, more exhuberant than anything.  Even now, sitting at work, I feel the intense need to go home and clean more. Part of it is also that I want to come home to a clean house, but I think more than that, I want to come home from this trip D-free, for lack of a better term.

More progress, Sunday night I took down one of our wedding pictures. The one of just the two of us. I replaced it with a wonderful picture of the twins that I took a few weeks ago. I made a special trip to find a fantastic frame, knowing where it would go. This morning, I took down our memory board from our wedding. The picture in it was of the night we were engaged, and it was matted and signed by our wedding guests. One of my bridesmaids gave that to us for our wedding present. I just took it down. No thought. It's now downstairs in the deep dark recesses of our basement. There's only one last picture to come down, and that's of the group of groomsmen and bridesmaids. Our friends. The only reason it's still on the wall is because it's hiding a giant hole, and I have yet to find a picture to replace it's spot.

His most empty side of the closet is gradually being taken over by my clothes. He still has many things at our house. Clothing is taking up several drawers. I condensed them all, lol, and took over a few of the drawers. I need the space!

I'm feeling good. Really good. I had lunch with my aunt today, and told her about the separation. She's only 15 years older than me, and growing up was always more like a big sister. I thought she would cry. She asked "the" questions: what happened, how are you. I seem to throw people for a loop when I say I'm ok, it was my decision, I didn't tell anyone until I was absolutely sure. I'm so sure this seems odd to people who don't know the story. My aunt is less judgemental than my parents, and I did tell her that his mental health was a big part of it. I didn't expand. I still can't do that yet.

too much time...

Too much time has passed since my last post, and I don't know where to start with the updates.

In all, things are going ok. D's ok. According to him, he's drinking less, thanks to one of the new meds he's been on for about a month. Who knows if that's really the case.

He's spending alot of time at our house during the weekends. Mostly, I don't mind. It's good for him; I'm happy for our babies. But I wish to hell that he was responsible enough to just GO somewhere with them. I want to be home. Alone. In a quiet house. Without having to pay someone to watch my kids. The financial factor takes a bit of relaxation from the possibility of being alone.

We went to the zoo last weekend. We ran into my sister and her husband and my nephew. After we left them, D made a comment about M's (sisters husband) lack of work ethic. I stewed on that the ENTIRE time we were there. I let him have it on the way home. Telling him that I didn't want to hear any criticism of ANYONE's work ethic until he looked in the mirror and took a long and honest look at himself. And that shut him up. I was pissed, knowing that my BIL is going to school, and working full time to support his family.

Also, I may have mentioned this before, but he sure is a hell of a lot more frugal with money now that he doesn't have access to my income. Our dog (who stays with him) stinks. He told me he can't afford to get her groomed. he complains about the cost of gas. About how he only has enough savings for 3-4 more months. If he stops and gets food one night (Chinese, for example) to bring to our MY house, he expects me to pay him for part of it. Fine, no problem, but it really rubs me the wrong way. These were not concerns of his prior to his moving out.

I've been going along fairly ok, feeling good about things. Then, I started having a convo with our friend in Hawaii, lawyer S. He's been checking on me periodically since my calls to him a few months ago, to prep me for the mediation appointments, wanting to make sure I'm ok. He's going to be "home" for a few weeks this summer, and of course I want to see him. I don't know how to say this exactly, but I feel like there's something just under the surface of our conversations that's leaning to a more than friendly visit, if you know what I mean. Make sense? It's not making me uncomfortable. Confused, maybe.

I finally asked him today if he was letting D know that he would be in town. His response was "No." Then went on to say "You do know I've been friends with you guys because of you not him, right?" Punch to the freaking gut. To me, that may as well have said "you've told me so much bad shit about him, that I have no interest in being his friend anymore." I REALIZE that's not what he said, but that's what I interpreted. I started crying. feeling that, once again, I've single-handedly alienated D from yet another friend/family member just by opening my big mouth and being honest. I told him that and he reminded me that D has only reached out to him one time since he moved to Hawaii.

Anyhoo...back to the meeting up thing. Maybe I'm reading into things, but I feel like, at least if I WANTED something to happen with S, then something WOULD happen with S. The problem is I don't know, lol. He's one of the only true male friends I've ever had. He was our (D's) attorney. He knows most all of our shit. It's nothing I've ever had to really hide from him. And he likes me anyway:)  He tells me the truth. He reminded me today, that he once told me that I had married one of my clients. That's honest. We've had so many heart to hearts over the years. He has his own demons, mostly from childhood. He's done alot of work to rid himself of those.

I don't know. Lots to think about.  I don't know why suddenly I'm missing a mans attention. Hell, I haven't had it for years (not good attention, anyway). Probably has something to do with the fact that I'm ovulating right now:)