Ugh. I've been sitting here for the past 30 minutes, just FEELING the anxiety rising in me. My heart is beating faster, my thoughts are spinning in my head, I'm getting a bit shaky. Why? Why now? What's going on? I'm just sitting at work being quite productive. And then I realize...
When I last talked to D last night, he said he would be at our house at 11 am. It's now 10:45, meaning the time is close to finding out whether or not he WILL show up. I tend to think he will, but clearly my brain is not so certain. We have a sitter this morning, and she CAN stay all day if need be. I've been on and off Face.book every few minutes to see if he is "on." That will at least tell me if he's awake. So far, no sign of him there.
THis is what I hate. It's such a horrible horrible feeling to have my OWN feelings so desperately wrapped up in the behavior of someone else. If he has a bad day, *I* will have a bad day. If he's in a good mood, *I* will be in a good mood. That's not the way it should be.
This is also the anxiety I get when my parents come for their weekly visit with babies. Will he say/DO something stupid? Will he drink? Will he not? Will he be rude? Will he talk their head off. He's so unpredicable. My anxiety GREATLY reduces when I know my parents are safely out of the house. Another week gone by without my mom saying "Dan said something really mean today."
Ahhhh...it's 10:50 now, and I'd give anything to know where he is.
Breathe. Just breathe. I hate how we allow ourselves to get so wrapped up in other people, that our own moods reflect (and revolve) around them. It's easy to say "I don't care" but that's just a lie. We care. Probably too much a lot of the time. And with the babies in the picture, you have no choice BUT to care. What you are feeling is normal and I'm not sure how you can go about getting over the anxiousness. I deal with feelings like that quite often myself. For me though, I've been able to distance myself from the people causing the anxiety. In your case, it's not quite that simple. However, something is going to have to change because feeling the way you do, filled with worry and anxiety all the time, it's not healthy for you and you need to be healthy for those little ones. The control D has over you (intentionally or not) is just not fair or right. To me, this is just one more bit of validation that the steps you are taking to change things, as horrible and difficult as they may be, are the right steps and they will lead you to a better place for you and those tiny humans you are doing everything to protect.
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