Ugh. Ugh. UGH.Yesterday went off without a hitch, after my near heart-attack anxiety issues. He showed at 11. I ran home to pick up the sitter and take her home, b/c there was no point in her being there. He looked better than the day before, but still very anxious, sweaty.
Late in the afternoon I called him to find out the status of the apt application. He said "I don't know what I'm going to do." Really? REALLY! NONE of this is in your hands? You have NO control over this situation? I was floored. I called the complex for him, to see if he was even telling the truth. His "agent" was out yesterday and is supposed to touch base with him today.
I get home and he at least had babies in their high chair at the appropriate time. Two days ago, I got home at almost 5:30 and they hadn't eaten yet. "I didn't even think about it." Really? What in the hell ARE you thinking about? Anyway, I was helping S do something and I heard Dan yell (well, it was 1/2 yell/ 1/2 frustration), "what do you babies WANT?" They were still in their high chairs. He was very clearly frustrated. I asked him what the problem was.
He said "well your life might not be changing, but mine sure is." Really? I was just floored. "You did that to yourself." "I haven't changed in 14 years." (This is a regular argument from him, I wasn't even going to get into it). "Maybe you haven't, but the situation has, and there are 3 little people to protect." End convo. Of course, 2 minutes later I think REALLY? I'M GOING TO BE A 39 YEAR OLD SINGLE FULL TIME MOM TO THREE KIDS UNDER THREE AND MY LIFE ISN'T CHANGING?!
I stewed about that all night. He arrived at 8:30 this morning. Before I left, I told him I needed to respond to his comment from last night, and pretty much repeated what I just wrote above. His response? "Feel better?" You jackass. Didn't say it. I'm better than that.
But, how is it possible to go from guilt, to sadness to intense ANGER so quickly? If I could just pick an emotion to stick with for awhile...Before I left work yesterday the guilt was intense. He will not have health insurance. No way to get meds, see a doctor. An hour later, I was just looking at him in disbelief that he is so delusional to think that this is not affecting me.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
My sleep is for shit. I'm getting about 5 hours, and then waking up at 3 am and not able to fall back to sleep. Not going for work, or for being the sole provider of 3 little ones AFTER working a full day.
Aghhh!! I am so angry for you! What on earth is D thinking - the nonsense that spews out of his mouth. To actually say that your life isn't changing? Wow. He is being a jackass and you have every right to be ticked. You were wondering how you can go through all those emotions in such a short period of time? Remember when I compared this to the same process of grieving a death? Well, the same happened to me after losing my sister. Guilt, sadness, and anger in a matter of days - sometimes even minutes. It's normal and with all the stuff D likes to throw at you, it's no wonder you're angry! He is so consumed with all things D that he can't see how this is effecting you or the babies. So.very.selfish. You and the kids deserve so much more than the crap he has been slinging.
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